In retrospect, there are a lot of things that could have been done a whole lot better. But oh well, too late for that now, guess I've got to clean up the mess and try all over. Somehow I always end up the villain in my mind.

So I've finally found someone who can actually put into words (and video) the complete story of my life. It's sad, though a little comforting, to know that there are at least others out there in my shoes. But still, what the hell? Could everyone in the world (or at least those who read this) take a break from facebooking and just watch this three part thing? Might help you understand what a lot of guys go through.

Part one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI

Imagine, if you will, that I am confused. A horribly impossible thought for you I'm sure.

I haven't been swimming in months. Actually, I think that, other than hot tubbing (which I don't count as swimming any more than I do a shower) the last time I was swimming was on the summer sailing trip. That's not that important really. What I'm getting at is that it feels a little like I'm swimming through life right now, and not in the happy perfect world sort of way.

It all started where many things in life start. The end. The completion of a year of my life with a girl I loved very much, and had enjoyed a great deal of time with, both virtually and physically. Now this post is not a complaint about this either, there's enough of that out there. Even on this blog.

What I'm very laboriously getting at is that I've lost my direction following that incident. Yes, I'm still chasing the theatre dream, and that's not going anywhere, but there is more to life than just school and future careers. I'm really concerned about my relationships with others right now, there's been too much sudden change, and I don't think all is well.

The crappy part about being in school is that no one else is. That's a lie I suppose, but it's like, the people who aren't there are the ones I think about and miss the most. I've drifted from two of the three closest people in my life, and I don't know how I can fix that. I'm doing my best to work step by step to recover from that, but I don't know where to start. I try to make the time, I really do. Everyone knows how insane my schedule is, I'm honest to goodness booking in December right now, it's that nuts. However, the inner nucleus of my orbital friend sphere should know that they get top booking in that calendar; nearly any appointment can be moved...

Tech has been interesting. I'm back in the "like-them-but-not-sure-what-they're-thinking" mode yet again, and it's so exhausting! Figures I'd be the organized one, and assign numbers derived from how long I've liked them for... Number one, well, I'm just waiting on a status report. Number two, you're looking to be the best bet so far, but you're switching diversities back and forth worse than the Sennheiser during Witness! (Techie joke, translated means: giving different impressions back and forth all the time). If only I had the balls to just ask you and get this whole thing just sorted out. Number three, well, I think you're just being friendly. Besides, you already have a boyfriend.

And then number zero (? not liking that notation), I wish that had gone a whole lot better, now I just feel awkward for saying anything. Yeaaaahhhh.... (wtf?)

Wow, anger Graham, let's tone it down

I wish there was some way I could tell people the truth about who I am, and yet the arguments for and against are nowhere near finished battling it out. More discussion on this in certain other forums later. Not that you know what that means (except you, the exception to the rule).

I suppose I could continue blogging on the bb.com site, but I just seriously don't feel like it anymore. Night all

Just like that, a new blog is born!

I have a pretty good feeling that this blog will pretty much cease to exist following this post, but we'll see where I end up. I'm also considering purchasing a domain name, but again, things come with time. But enough about that, and on to the blog!

http://bloggingbackstage.blogspot.com

More upgrades!

It's interesting to see that, even after months of not a thing being written on this blog, people still visit in the off chance that there may be something new. So, I guess with all the free time I have now (yeah right) I might as well do some writing.

Question is, what about? There are billions of blogs; what's going to set mine apart? Sure, complaining about my love life can be entertaining to read, but really, there's enough of that. I could start a food blog, but I have a feeling at least one reader would give me a death glare. So why not just do with what I do best? Wait, now I'm trying to figure out what that is...

I do a lot of tech. My life is about to become very much all about tech. So, I think it's time I start a new blog. Something...gaffy. I'll repost when I know what that looks like...

Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? Am I just not understanding some invisible signs around me?

Now that I'm really thinking about it, maybe something really is wrong. I really don't want to jump to any conclusions on anything, but maybe I should be trusting my gut on this one. Has it really, truly come to this? I mean, c'mon, less than 48 hours away from 365 days, and this is where we are? I mean, sure I'm no expert in these things, but surely this isn't what is supposed to be happening right?

If I'm totally off base with this, please, I'm begging you, yank me out of my misery, set me back on track. I know that sometimes my head plays games with me, so if it's a lie please let me know.

But the more I think about it, the more real it becomes. I would much rather have a broken heart than a broken relationship, but it seems that is what it's come to. I'm sure many of the thoughts in my head are simply misunderstandings and over-exaggerations, but I can't help but see application to them. Maybe it really is over. TELL ME, PLEASE.

I have no idea what's going on. I've very clearly laid out my emotions on the table, I've thrown away every last shard of dignity in the hope that it would complete things, but perhaps it has come too late, or worse, has done more harm than good.

I told you I love you, and they are the truest words I have ever said. Yet if you decide that you cannot love me, then have at the very least the kindness to inform me of it.

I really hope I'm wrong.

Bleagh

I just got home from a crazy hilarious movie, "The Hangover", and now
I feel like total shit. I am completely phych-drunk. It seems to
happen a lot when people around me are drunk and enjoying themselves.
Problem is, it's now almost 1 in the morning, I said I'd be at the
school by 9, and I am so totally wired it's insane. I had an awesome
afternoon, hanging out with my best friend and just doing whatever.
Now I'm wishing I could turn it off and go to sleep. Stupid sour
cherry blaster candies, you make me sick...

In other news, I really can't think of a lot else to say, but I'm
going to keep writing until I can't anymore. Like right about now,
okay? C'mon Graham, you can do this, fall asleep now!

You know how much I'd love to talk to someone..anyone right now? I
just...bleagh. No stupid ipod, I'm not saying bleach, I'm saying
bleagh, it's an expression of how I'm feeling. And I'm totally pissed
off that I forgot my sunglasses at the theatre. Like, c'mon, how
stupid is that?

Grr. I feel so crappy right now I want to puke. What is going on with
me? I need to make my brain shut up some days. Like, seriously, where
do some of my ideas come from?

Not going to England. Kind of glad about that actually, I gives me a
lot more freedom this summer. Well, 2 weeks anyways. And hopefully,
that freedom might yield a visit! Gah, I'm so excited...

Still wide awake, time is 1:10AM. I wonder if anyone is awake right
this moment. And of course I'm too scared to text anyone in case I
wake them up, because seriously, other than feeling like crap, there's
nothing wrong. My heartbeat is through the roof, my chest aches, and
my head is throbbing, plus the disgusting pit of gross-ness that is my
stomach churning away in my gut. I'm just a perfectly happy camper,
aren't I?

So I just updated my status, maybe, hopefully there's someone out
there who will see it and will text me. Melissa, why aren't you
reading my mind???

I seriously don't know why I go on like this all the time. But hey,
you're entertained aren't you? Considering it's my first post in...ages?

Meh, I've had enough of this. There might be more another time or in
another place, but don't worry if that maketh no sense, you will find
out all you need to know in due course.

Graham Kingsley
Sir Winston Churchill High School
(403) 809-9544
CanadianScouter@gmail.com

And since you're reading this, now would be an acceptable time to text me so I can attempt to explain that better... ;)

So I've been wary of saying anything at all about this because I know that it could be mis-construed so easily, or taken the wrong way, or cause a change, and I don't want any of that. But sometimes I think the best way I'm going to figure this out is to just write a huge long rant and see what happens. So let's see what happens.

Today marks the 60 day anniversary of not seeing each other. Yay me!

That's right folks, I'm in a relationship, and I haven't seen her in 60 whole days! Or 1440 Hours! Or 5 184 000 seconds!

To be perfectly honest, it's brutal. But totally not in the way you'd expect. But this is where we enter the Bermuda Triangle of me-trying-not-to-fuck-everything-up-by-saying-the-wrong-thing-on-my-blog.

The hardest part for me is seeing other couples. That's pretty much it.

I love that some of my closest friends have found someone, and I smile every time I see how happy they are. I feel like some sort of proud parent who is watching their kid grow up, and they've finally found something that makes them truly happy.

For the most part, I can contain it and life moves on as normal. Everything kept in check.

But now things have gone off the deep end a bit, and I'm losing my grip.

Grad was probably when it started. The combination of grad dates, hookups and make outs has driven me ever closer to that line of totally gone. I love seeing two really nice people dressed up and looking their best, walking around enjoying themselves and each other, and having a great time. Grad is a very significant time of our lives, and we're all going to remember it for the rest of our lives. The thing is, I'm a little miffed that I can't spend the 3rd most important day of my life with the person that I care about the most! (For the record, getting married and the grand opening of my theatre are tied for first place). I would have enjoyed the night that much more if I could have just cuddled by that fire pit with her rather than being the one who pours more shots and keeps the fire going.

And with it being spring and all, those other relationships just seem to come out of the woodwork like nobody's business. Not that I mind, heck, I'm probably the biggest closet romantic around. But for some reason seeing a couple making out on a bench, or kissing before going to class, or holding hands as they slowly walk down the sidewalk is just...difficult. I do my very best to just ignore it (as much as is acceptable), because I know that if I were in their position, I wouldn't want to have to stop. Frankly, I think it would bother me more if people stopped doing those things out of respect or compassion or whatever you want to call it, for me, than if they continued doing it. That probably makes no sense.

I just miss her, and seeing other people enjoying what I have but can't enjoy is murder some days. Like today.

I've pretty much planned out everything I want to say and do, but now I have to wait. If I can get my parents to let us drive, it'll be another 43 days. Can you imagine over 100 days without seeing the one you love? At least it's shorter than last time, a whole 230 days...

I don't know what else there is to say. Simply put, I'm tired, and that's making me angry at people being able to hold hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend. But I would also be just as mad, if not more so, if people stopped. Therefore the whole argument is moot and I just made you lose brain cells for no reason whatsoever. So that was stupid.

I'm Yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours

And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

Home

I've been thinking back to that trip a lot lately, remembering little moments that, at the time, just pass you by.

Walking around the island, noticing that our steps are always in sync, that our pace is identical.

The moment of "this is right"

Seeing her for the first time in months, walking into the airport, shaking all the way down the escalator, so unsure of what's behind the frosted doors.

The first hug, the last hug.

I would love to even just be able to play back those few days, and relive every moment. To sleep in a room a few thousand millimeters away instead of a few thousand kilometers. To just feel every moment again and again.

This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
(This Is Home, Switchfoot)

I so desperately want this to work, and I want to be happy with every moment of it.

So I recently updated a part of my information box on Facebook. When you think about it, how significant can it be? It's only Facebook, right?

Well, maybe, but I choose to believe otherwise.

♥ Graham is in a relationship with Jenny Fo · Comment · Like

To me, that's pretty much the only way that I can really publicly say that it's there. Obviously I don't feel the need to make every single person in the world know what's going on in my life, but I do want there to be some understanding, some semblance of order in my life.

What I'm trying to get at is this. Yes it's a long distance relationship. Yes it's hard. Yes she's my girlfriend. Yes I miss her more than anything.

But because we can't be side by side every moment of every day, what is there anchoring me to reality? How can I make it clear to people that I'm not just making this up, that it exists?

For me, I like having things in writing. I like it when it's stated totally clear, when there's no doubts anywhere, and when there's something to read and look at. By making that one change on Facebook, it's a tiny way for me to say, "yeah, this is real, that's the truth."

When I can look and see that, it just gives me an ever so brief moment of heart pounding joy

230

It's been 230 days since I last heard your voice. Today, just before I picked up the phone, I tried to remember what it sounded like, and I honestly couldn't remember. I was so concerned that I wouldn't recognize it when I heard it.

I'm so phobic of talking on the phone for some reason, and it took so long to finally dial that number. Sorry, I was shaking a little, and I just wanted to pass the phone along to my parents as quick as possible. Now I wish I had stayed and talked...

But there were a few seconds where I could hear your voice again, and it made me so happy. I miss you so much :)

My Dream

You know, for the past few days, there's something I've thought about a lot (besides spring break!), and that is my idea of owning a theatre. I honestly can't shake the idea of having a place that I own, where I can do exactly what I want on my own terms.

There are people who want to be doctors, for example. They work so hard in school to have the training and certification to be able to call themselves doctors, and then they go out into the world, in an attempt to turn their passion into a career. Many of these doctors will go to work in a hospital or a clinic, or maybe go to another country and provide medical assistance there. There are also those who decide instead to start up their own practice, and to have an office with their name on the front door that they own themselves.

That's what I want. I want to pick a city or town, buy a plot of land, and literally start from scratch. I want to build a gigantic theatre that every touring production will want to visit, one with the greatest hand-picked crews, one with only the very best equipment, a theatre with a residence built right on the side where crew and performers can stay in comfort.

It would be a theatre where you never know what to expect. The entrance is at the top of a set of stairs, lit by classical streetlamps with big warm white christmas lights strung between them. You would arrive at the front entrance and be invited in by large polished brass doors. Immediately when you enter, there is a sense of warmth and belonging, and you are transported to a world where anything is possible.

Your ticket is carefully torn by a smiling usher, as you will want to keep the stub as a memento for years to come. In the lobby, people are generally milling about, though in no rush to get anywhere. Portraits and biographies of the cast and crew are hung on the walls, and guests are entertained by the humorous tidbits they find in each one, and the biographies are changed nearly every show so that even regular patrons have something new to look at. Plush chairs and couches are scattered throughout the lobby, and a few patrons decide to sit in them for a few minutes before the show begins.

The walls are various warm earth tones, but the floor and ceiling are a different matter. The floor is a beautiful ebony hardwood that has been meticulously polished, reflecting back the wide-eyed face of the young child who is entranced by his surroundings. The ceiling shimmers like millions of stars, and the ethereal swoop of the aurora borealis lightly dances among the stars. A delicate chandeliere hangs in the center of the lobby, casting a warm glow on the expectant audience.

At the appointed hour, a set of ushers begin their choreographed house opening procedure. 5 sets of magnificent oak doors are pulled open, and the lights inside the the theatre fade on, beckoning the audience to enter. More ushers, ready to help guests to their seats, stand smiling at their posts all the way down the hall. Feeling the pull of the theatre, the audience quiets to an awed whisper as they find their seats, looking all around them at the lofty ceiling, and the thick red curtains that conceal the show they are so looking forward to seeing.

Once the audience has been seated, and starting time has been reached, the house lights begin their practiced fade, and the energy in the theatre intensifies exponentially. The show has begun.


Backstage, actors have spent the past few hours preparing for yet another show, and are quietly waiting in the wings for their entrance. Video monitors are at various points where the actors congregate, allowing them to watch and listen for their entrance. They have practiced for months now, and know every cue and line by heart.

The tech crew is calmly awaiting their first cues that will come through their lightweight personal wireless headsets. A fly crew is ready and waiting on the 60 line-set fly rail, thinking through the actions they've done thousands of times already. The running crew are invisible as they stand against the wall in their blacks, listening to the usual pre-show headset chatter, and ensuring that all their props are in position. Their movements have been practiced day in and day out, and they never miss a change or a cue, and will never make a sound. The follow spot operators are flexing their fingers, ready for the lightning fast follows they'll have to do, and the quick changers are checking every stitch for the hundredth time, ensuring that no costume goes onstage torn.

The lighting booth is serene as the finger of the lighting op hovers over the GO button on a pristine ETC Congo, a list of cues meticulously programmed ready to go. They check the dimmer status module again, watching the temperatures as they hover right where they always do in the green. They reach into their filing cabinet and pull out a single Bernard Callebeaut chocolate that they silently savor.

The sound op brings up his first show cue, and the sliders silently jump to their programmed positions, anticipating all the levels they'll need to set in the coming hours. Carefully chosen house music moves the audience closer and closer to a musical climax in expectation of the performance, and the green indicator lights of wireless microphones flash excitedly, silently translating the excited words of actors further backstage.

The stage manager peers at yet another video feed, watching the man running from his taxi into the lobby, where ushers kindly then show him to his seat. An infrared camera shows that all the actors are in their places, and another in the orchestra pit confirms the same of the musicians. The SM gently presses the call button, which emits a gentle buzz that immediately stops all the headset conversations. Giving the maestro the cue, the orchestra tunes a third time, and the calls being.

Ready all cues
Orchestra begins
Light cue 4 Go
Fly cue 1 Go

The red drapes gently lift off from the stage, and to the awe of the audience, this staged world is suddenly reality.

Light cue 5 Go
Actors On
Sound cue 1 Ready

The play begins, actors enter and leave the stage, lights fade up and down, the audience laughs and cries, running crews sneak on and off, and this reality is suspended, held by the commitment of the performers and crew, and accepted by the awed audience.

At the end, the actors make their bows, followed by the technicians. A standing ovation continues for several minutes as the actors and crew bow repeatedly, beaming in happiness at the outstanding performance.

And when that is all over, the audience leaves, back through those oak doors, across the ebony floor, down the stairs, and into their cars, where they excitedly talk about the show they just saw.

The performers applaud one for another outstanding performance, put their costumes carefully away in the wardrobe room, and slowly make their way towards the backstage bar. Family and friends cheer when they see the actors and crew enter, and everyone takes a seat in the room, enjoying a drink to cool them down after the show. The conversations grow louder as time wears on, until the stage manager steps onto a raised platform, and the hubub quickly dies out. Notes are given en mass, and for 15 minutes everyone is completely focused on the notes the SM is giving. The microphone is then passed onto another member of the group, who gives a short speech of praise for a fellow actor/technician, and then awards them the trophy that passes between every person in the room at some time or another.

With all the official business finished, cast and crew begin to say goodnight and disperse to their dormitories, where they will be able to sleep comfortably in anticipation of another performance the next day.

Everyone is completely committed to the performance, and will do whatever it takes to make it totally amazing.

And with the theatre silent, the owner walks through his theatre, flipping up that one seat that didn't quite make it all the way up, putting away the roll of gaff someone mistakenly left out, and stands centre stage. Looking out at his theatre, he brings his watch up, checks the time, and at exactly 1AM, the lights fade out, leaving a single bright night light casting a faint glow on the entire theatre. He turns, walks offstage, says goodnight to the few runners still chatting outside the bar, rings the elevator, and pushes the button for his room. The elevator pulls him up to the top floor where he disembarks, and quietly gets changes for sleep.

Another day in the theatre.

Shoot me now. Please

I never wanted any of this.

The drama, the hurt feelings, and the anger.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now, but I don't like it. I'm lying in bed, just trying to make sense of all the things going on, but I just can't. Everything is so jumbled, and it's so confusing.

I wanted it to be simple and easy, I didn't want to have to deal with this sort of thing. I found amazing friends, and I thought it would be great, but now I find that it comes at a cost.

I need a break from it all, and that's why I'm looking forward to this so much. I just want to have time when no one is going to bug me, when I can just be myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. Lately I have no idea what I'm thinking, or where I'm going, I just wander in circles until I bump into something that makes sense.

I want to hug someone, and feel their warmth, and just to cry with them and understand what all is going on.

I've been hurt so much by all of these things going on, and I don't even know who's to blame. I don't know what hurts.

I want to scream in frustration so much right now. I want to just sob until my eyes run dry. I'm such an emotional wreck right now.

I feel like I've lost everything.

I'm paranoid beyond belief.

I want everything to revolve around ME.

I need to understand why I'm still feeling this way.


I still haven't given up those feelings, and I wish I could. If you asked me today, in all seriousness, I think I'd say yes. I will never, ever ask. But there's that tiny part, the 0.001% error inside of me that hasn't given up yet, that's going to fight until the day I die. And it hurts, so much. Sharp, hot blades as you press them into my chest, surrounded by the anaesthetic of the other, gentle words. They still hurt, they still leave a mark.

I want this so badly, I'm dreaming of it day and night. It's what keeps me awake during the day, and when I'm trying to sleep. I've waited longer than anyone should ever have to wait, and now, at last, I seem to be on my way.

But what if my destination isn't what I'm expecting? I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, and it scares me.

And I'm scared that I'm just doing this for the feeling.

Am I going to be ok with the challenges, the time, the distance?

I am so messed up. I need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat, go into a coma for a day, and wake up refreshed and ready to do shows. But that's not going to happen. I'm going to struggle to finish each of these horribly long days, sleeping in classes and exhausting myself to the breaking point.

I'm stupid and I'm fucked.

I have no idea what I should do about all of this now. Tomorrow will probably be extremely awkward, and I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest. I honestly just want to be over and done with this show so we can all move on and get back to our lives. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it!

Why do I find myself hating him? Like, complete and utter loathing?

Because I still can't shake that feeling. Of getting second place.

Of being REplaced.

I want to smash something again.

All those guys who went all postal at their schools? I think I can finally associate with them. It's this kind of untamed anger and frustration that is just so awful that you need to let it go.

And something needs to give.

A tiny bit escaped today, that tiny little rant about why things played out as they did.

Yes, the tiny rant. There's more where that came from. This is a part of it.

You know, I'm still really angry about a lot of things. Like why I still have no idea why certain things had to happen, when they happened. Or why I never get explanations, just apologies. Or how people assume that I just know everything, or that I don't want them around, or that they're being annoying.

Seriously, if I don't want you around, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL.

I'm very good at hiding. I hide many things.

Lots of things.

I don't know what to say to any of you. I want to go into the back back room and bang my head repeatedly against the cement wall. I want to climb to the top of the pillar and jump down, and feel the stinging pain shoot up my legs from the impact. I want to hit my finger with a hammer, and feel that hot searing pain wash over my body. I want to know what a kiss feels like for once in my life. I want to be shocked by an electrical outlet and have the tingle in my arms. I want to have the wind knocked out of me and ache all over. I want to block out the entire world.

I shouldn't post any of this.

I'll be taken away to a mental institute for sure.

Hehe

I got a little pissed off at the person who created the group attacking a certain person who broke up with another certain person. I don't know the whole story, but I don't think anyone deserves to be called a 'bitch', especially if it's obvious that the people who made the group don't know the whole story either.

So I saw that the creator had left the group, leaving no admins, so I joined, then deleted the group. Ha!

I think I realize why I don't blog during shows. I say things too quickly, and don't give them adequate thought.

Ever get that feeling where you know you've said something, but just aren't sure what the repercussions will be? I really don't know what to think anymore, just...



Life, leave me alone.

D:/My Documents/A letter.doc

I wrote a letter a few months back, and I only just found it again. I don't even remember writing it which is the weird part, it seems like something I might remember putting time and effort into.

What it's done is make life more complicated. Lately I've allowed myself to succumb to the bliss of ignorance, and I'm realizing what a mess it's causing. If only you knew.

I thought I had it all figured out, that all I had to do was wait and that when the time finally came, it would be perfect. But the thing about waiting for something to happen, is that time passes before it does. And when time passes, things change.

I feel like I'm looking at two polar opposites. So many different aspects to each scenario, and yet each with so many attractive qualities. Consequences too.

I find myself drifting back and forth, every minute thinking something different, questioning my previous decisions and trying to plan for the things that I have no idea will happen. I want a simple answer, I don't want to have to think about things, it shouldn't have to be multiple choice.

When I read that letter, it pulled me back to a place I had been for a long time, a letter that said in such a concrete manner exactly what I was feeling. There's no denying that it states exactly how I was feeling then, but what about now? I look at all those things I said, and wonder, is it still true?

I don't know where I should take things, and I constantly worry that I'm just going to screw it all up and end up right back where I started. I just want the simplicity of a child, to only have to worry if the tooth-fairy will come tonight, or if I mixed enough finger paints to finish my masterpiece.

I want this. I just hate the fog.
Damned fog...

I'm listening to my sister have a huge tantrum about something upstairs. No idea what it's about, but I have such an urge to go upstairs and scream at all of them to shut up so that I can have some peace. It's not like there's anything particularly bothering me right now, but it seems to be the culmination of a lot of little stresses finding their way into my head all at once.

Let's back up. Last night, I randomly decided that I wanted to watch The Notebook. Now, some guys might think "why the heck would he want to watch a movie like that?" Well, I just decided that I wanted to. I have the whole movie ripped from YouTube (too lazy to rent it), so at about 10:30, I started to watch. Sure, I still had 2 MSN conversations going, but it was really nice. Some great filmmaking right there.

I guess what gets me is that even though it was so beautiful and amazing, that it made my chest ache, and that every part of me screamed in frustration at the fickleness of love, my eyes remained dry for the whole movie. I know, I've complained about it before, but honestly, it gets to you. To not be able to freely express emotion like that really takes a toll, and I miss it so much right now.

The movie finished around 12:30, but the whole night, I just couldn't sleep. I was still awake at 2, and after that, it was still a restless sleep.

Today in general was dull. I helped set up what hopefully was a really amazing date for a friend, but other than that, I just sat at home in front of my computer. It's now 10:15, and my binder is where I put it Friday afternoon. I doubt it'll move until tomorrow morning when I put it in my backpack.

I talked to Julie, the yearbook editor, a little more today, and every time I do, it bothers me, because still, things just aren't looking good for my picture to get into the yearbook. Now, if the picture taken at the beginning of the year were any good, I'd be fine, but it sucks, like honestly. I look like a perverted, gay, grade 10. I don't want my last year to be immortalized by that....

Maybe I complain too much.

I gave some constructive criticism to a younger photographer through honesty box in the nicest way I could, and then he comes back and starts laughing at me, and assuming I know nothing about photography. It just bothers me, because I naturally want to help people, and then this comes back. Well, you be the judge.

I just have a few suggestions for you regarding your photography, take it or leave it.

One thing I've noticed is that you post a lot of photos. Personally, I quite enjoy looking at your work, but I worry at times that it be a little excessive. While it is an entirely personal choice, sometimes it might be better to pick just a few good ones, and only post those, instead of full albums from a single photo-walk.
Another thing is that you many times post only a single photo in an album, which personally, I think is a wee bit of a waste. Maybe you could try combining a few days, or similar themes?
And as much as I enjoy your photos, I don't think you need to advertise with your status quite so much. People who want to see your photos will take a look on their own time, and the people who don't might start to resent you for the continuous barrage of reminders. Post a link on your profile, and let word-of-mouth do the rest.
Haha, and last is just a personal suggestion, in PS if you haven't already, try playing with curves and photo filters (in CS3 it's Image > Adjustments). I randomly played with a few of your photos, and to my eye, I think it really helped bring out some of the character. For example, one of your more recent photos...
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

But yeah, sorry if that sounded harsh or something, not my intention at all. Good luck with the photography!

------

Lol.
I have over 5000 photos. I take over 200 each time I go out.

A good photography picks his top 50, then from the top 50 picks the top 25 or 30.
I post my top 25 usually in an album, and create single themed albums "Photo of the Day"

Ps: The way to edited my photo made it become WAY under exposed and WAY over contrasted.

If you don't like getting my updates, then simply turn them off. It's quite simple, go into the Facebook users settings, notification controls and chose to not get updates from selected user (eg. myself)

------

Hey now, no need to get defensive. I've taken 13466 to date, and that's in a year and 2 months. Average number of shots per shooting day is around 130, maxing out at 600 on a really good day. I'm no stranger to lots of shots, I just weed out all but the VERY best, which is how I choose to do it, and everyone can do what they like. Just personal preference.

Contrast is a relative choice, I like my photos with more, you like yours with less. Just thought I'd show you another method. Actually, check out
http://www.phillprice.com/ . He has a style somewhat similar to your own.

Oh and don't worry, I don't mind updates, and I have more than enough understanding of how to operate Facebook.


And might I add, in response to your most recent status update, I did not say I didn't want updates from you (I turned them off months ago). I use CS3, you use whatever you want to. As for using PS in general, well, let's just say I do have a few years background in it.

(Status and Comments)
Lol. If you don't like getting updates about albums I post on Facebook, go into the Facebook settings, notification control and chose not to get updates from me.
-"Well said."
-"Lol...somebody messaged me and stated I should stop putting so many Photoshop on Facebook and that he doesn't like getting updates so frequently...Then stated I should use CS3. (I prob. know more about CS3 than the person does)

They even took the liberty of editing my photo into this:
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

Underexposed, over-contrasted -.-

I laughed.

It's so simple to not receive updates about photos. Just choose not to receive album updates from a selected user (eg. me)"

I just find it so insulting that someone would say such things when they have no idea who they're talking to. I mean, if you want to have people spread the word about your photography, at least be nice to people, right?

That's my rant for the evening. Maybe I should go to bed sooner rather than later today...

Readers

So I was literally just about to go to bed, when my nose suddenly tickled, and a small red drop fell from its tip and landed on my desk. For the second time today, a nosebleed.

Yeah, I'm writing this all with one hand, since I don't want to just sit around doing nothing for the next 18 minutes.

make that 17

I've had a few people ask me sort of timidly if it's alright that they read my blog. Honestly, I'm more than happy to have you as a reader. Having an audience of any size is so much better than having none at all.

11:11, anyone want to guess what I wished for?

(besides this nosebleed stopping...)

It's nice when someone acknowledges the effort that goes into a blog such as this, either through conversation or a comment. To know that someone actually takes the time (or is bored enough) to read what I have to say, it means a lot.

Now, if you have a blog if your own, and only if you want me to, I'd love to read it. Hearing about the lives of my friends is really great.

another 10 minutes, ugh

Yeah, so really, I love having people read my blog, and being able to talk about it too.

(Of course, one of you should remember that I did ask you to stop reading my blog when you asked me to not read yours, and I would ask that you respect that...you know who you are)

Schedule

I have found the most amazing way to trap myself. Time.

Currently, my dilemma is this; I have agreed to go to Llyodminster (5 hours driving distance from Calgary for those who don't know) from the 19th to the 22nd of February (Thursday to Sunday). I will be setting up and programming/designing for a small play called "Hockey Dad", one I've worked on before, and feel a sort of responsibility to. Plus, the building being used apparently only has moving lights, so I'm really the only one on the team who would know how to program them.

Other side of the coin.

Found out today that I have a band festival first thing in the morning on Sunday, February 22nd. My parents feel that I have a commitment to the band, and I highly doubt they would permit me missing something as big as a band festival (haven't asked, but not sure if I want t0).

So, something has to bend.

If I were to ask my dad to drive up Saturday, see the show, then drive me back, that is a horrible amount of driving. 10 hours? Ouch.
One way ticket on the greyhound? With student discount, comes to just under 100 bucks.
I've already been quite clear with Jamie, the director/actor in "Hockey Dad" that I would be available, and I really don't want to bail on him if I can manage it. Honestly, if I could, I would just tell Ms. Wishloff to deal without me, seeing as she already thinks I'm only good enough to play second horn anyways, and enjoy doing some tech, and being paid to do so. This tech is what's going to pay for me being able to go to Vancouver. Without it, I can't go, simple as that. I'm not willing to wait another few months, I'm going to go.

So really, I guess I have two choices.

1 - Screw band and take the mark deduction that'll go with it. It hurts, but hey, tech is my future, music isn't.

2 - Figure out some way to get from Lloydminster to Calgary by 8:30 Sunday morning.

Yeah, that's my predicament in terms of not having enough time.




Other than that, talk about a hectic semester. I had no idea I would miss having a spare so much, already I feel like there's more to do that I'll ever get done. I've got a massive headache right now from trying to learn social on my own (14.5 mintues she's been gone, and only 2 days? Gah), and I still have to study for a safety quiz in chem tomorrow.

L, I haven't really heard much about your condition, besides what you apparently have. I really hope you're doing alright, if it is imm. deff., then hopefully you'll be able to take visitors soon. Heck, you wouldn't be reading my blog anyways, so this won't mean much. Meh. Remind me to give you all my chem notes when you get back, I'll do my best to help walk you through what you've missed. Get better soon :)

You know, I don't even know if you read my blog or not. I have visitor tracking, and I've had a lot of visits from Vancouver, but I guess you've never said either way. I guess since you're reading this though, you do, so problem solved! I wish I could take the time to reply tonight, but with this headache and my chem still to do, I guess it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe I'll take a bit of time to myself during rehearsal or something. ~45 days :)
Do you still find this at all surreal? That somehow we beat the odds and have made this work for who knows how long, and that in a few short weeks, we'll see each other again? It just makes me so happy to think about it, that I could be so lucky as to have met you...

Hope everyone is feeling well, and I look forward to talking to all of you very soon.

Propaganda

So I was writing up my speech on why grade 9's should take tech. And to be honest, it felt like half the stuff was just propaganda. Haha, maybe it was?

You can learn to do it all!

Anyways.

Today was really, really great. I absolutely insist that we do it again soon, and I'm more than willing to donate my mattresses to the cause! Hanging out with you two was very excellent, I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow...and the next day...and the many rehearsals and performances after that lol.


Sorry, I hope I didn't seem too pushy with what I said yesterday, but honestly, I think that you need to do what you've told yourself you will (in your good time). Sometime soon we need to have another Starbucks afternoon, ok?


I miss you so much. Did you know that there is a month and 26 days left until March 23rd? Well now you do, and I can't wait for that day (or any day yet to be determined around that time). It's been way too long (5 months 24 days actually), and I don't want to keep going on like this, wondering how long I'll have to wait before I can know and feel it. I guess the things we want the most demand the greatest patience?


Maybe it's because we watched 3 action movies today, but I started to think that everything I said (over MSN at that) sounded deep and intense.

Blah blah blah metaphors about building things up, and the difficulties involved blah blah blah how eventually they all end up falling down anyways blah blah

you have to keep building these things until one of them can stand on it's own.

Oooh, epic!
At least, in my head it was...


Ok, either I'm suddenly really tired, or..I don't even know what. I just suddenly felt like crying? Odd.


Tomorrow will be a good day I think. Perhaps once I finish replying I'll go to bed. That or I could watch another episode of House...can you guess which one?


And of course, I'm obliged to post this. Have at 'er
(Feel free to write more than just the usual point form, because short answer, long answer, and even essay responses are always enjoyed...)


1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me?
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. Have you ever had a crush on me?
19. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be.
20. Your favorite memory of me.
21. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would I would bring?
22. Do I believe in God?
23. Who is my best friend?
24. Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?

:)

Today has been a rather good day in some regards.

Just surpassed 33,000 words, or 82 pages. Wow.
169 days of communication.
176 days since the trip ended.
57 days until spring break!

How am I going to make it that long? I really hope February goes by quickly...

In no particular order

Lookin' for a breakthrough

What's it going to take? So many things still to do, to say, to be.

I just wish I could show you how much you've missed. Please just don't end the great thing you already have.

Let's listen to 'em all

Working on listening to every song on my iPod, here's my progress so far

1. A-Tisket, A-Tasket; Ella Fitzgerald; Best of Big Bands
   
2. Abandoned Masquerade; Diana Krall; The Girl in the Other Room
   
3. Above All; Michael W. Smith; Worship
   
4. Above All; Michael W. Smith; Worship (2 versions? Odd..)
5. Across the Universe; Jim Sturgess; Across the Universe OST
   
6. Ad Arcana; Hans Zimmer; The Da Vinci Code
7. Adagio Molto E Cantabile; Cleveland Orchestra; Symphony No.9 (Since when do I have this?)
8. Adeste Fideles; Boston Brass; Stan Kenton Christmas Carols
9. African Rundown; David Arnold; Casino Royale
10. Against the Wind; Bob Seger; Forrest Gump Soundtrack
11. Agent of Chaos; Hans Zimmer; The Dark Knight
12. Aggressive Expansion; Hans Zimmer; The Dark Knight
13. Agnus Dei; Michael W. Smith; Worship
14. Agnus Dei; Third Day; Exodus
15. Agnus Dei I; Canadian Brass; Sacred Brass
16. Agnus Dei II; Canadian Brass; Sacred Brass (See a pattern by any chance?)
17. Ain't Misbehavin'; Louis Armstrong; 16 Most Requested Songs
18. Ain't No Sunshine; Eva Cassidy; Time After Time
19. Ain't Nobody But Me; Supetramp; The Very Best Of Supertramp
20. Air On A G String; Canadian Brass; Amazing Brass
21. Alive; Melissa O'Neil; Melissa O'Neil
    
22. Alive; S Club 7; BEST (Shut up Aaron...)
    
23. All I Ask of You; Andrew Lloyd Webber; Phantom of the Opera
24. All I Ask of You (Reprise); Andrew Lloyd Webber; Phantom of the Opera
    
25. All I Care About; James Naughton & Girls; Chicago
    
26. All I Have To Give; Backstreet Boys; Backstreet's Back
    
27. All My Bells Are Ringing; Lenka; The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs
28. All My Loving; Jim Sturgess; Across the Universe
29. All of Me; Louis Armstrong; 16 Most Requested Songs
30. All Of Them!; Hans Zimmer; King Arthur
    
31. All Or Nothing At All; Diana Krall; Love Scenes
    
32. All Right Here; Sara Groves; All Right Here
33. All Right Now; Free; 70s Gold
34. All That Jazz; Bebe Neuwirth & Company; Chicago
35. All The Drains Lead To The Ocean; Thomas Newman; Finding Nemo
36. All the Things You Never Wanted; Peirson Ross; All the Things You Never Wanted
37. All The Way To Kingdom Come; Rich Mullins; The Jesus Record
38. All You Need Is Love; 1; The Beatles
39. Allegro Ma Non Troppo E Un Poco Maestoso; Cleveland Orchestra; Symphony No.9
40. 
    

*Gasp*

I've been tagged! Imagine that! Let's skip the usual copy/pasted intro, and dive right into these points.

1. I am going to force myself to only do one of these at a time, and study between each one so that I don't totally waste all my time. You see, I have an awful thing called a math exam tomorrow, and to tell the truth, I'm nowhere near ready. I'm still learning how to use the formulas again, and I need to work on conics, trig, and combinatronics of all things. Maybe a little more on logs too, though I finally cracked them I think. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow though, hopefully it isn't TOO bad...
2. I fail at making deals with myself. Though I did learn the difference of a and b in a hyperbola, so I guess that counts for something. And in the mornings, I'll set my alarm for a reasonable time, but then it doesn't matter what I do, I just cannot get out of bed. I set about 6 more timers after the initial alarm, promising myself that after the next one, I'll get up. And yet, when I finally do get up, it's never as bad as I expect it to be.
3. Excited beyond belief about going to Vancouver over spring break. It's been all I can think about lately, I just...yeah. I need to make a fair chunk of money, but I think that if I can talk my parents into letting me miss 2 days of school (in February no less), then I'll get paid to do 4 shows, and make enough to get me there. Whenever I think about it actually working, about being able to see a dream I've had for so long come true, I just get so...happy. "I just want to see you too :)"
4. To tell the truth, I'm really not looking forward to grad pictures in a way. I know that a lot of people dislike being in front of the camera, and there's not a lot that can be done. I've always hidden behind my camera, taking pictures of other people so they don't take any of me. I've just always had a really hard time liking my appearance, because the thing I see in the mirror does nothing to reflect how I precieve myself from the inside.
5. I have to wear these really annoying clear plastic retainers, and I just keep pulling them off, then putting them back on, etc. They're also really gross right now, because I just had dinner and didn't feel like brushing my teeth for the 4th time today. So now it's just...pleasant.
6. I think I'm allergic to aspartame. Today I had a whole package of gum with aspartame in it (I have a terrible habit of just eating it, and swallowing it in bits until I've had the whole package). And so now I'm starting to have some not-so-pleasant side-effects. No more gum for a while.
7. I am rather scared of a few things, though I don't tell people most of them. I'm horribly afraid of train crossings though. Ever go on YouTube and see those videos of people almost getting hit by trains? Yeah, those scare me a lot. That and I'm scared to give my friends too much relationship advice, because I'm afraid that if they follow my advice, and things go south in their relationships, then they'll become upset with me, whether consciously or unconsciously.
8. I have never kissed someone outside of my family. Some days, that really bothers me. To the point of insanity almost, where seeing anyone, even my best friends, kissing someone, just makes me want to scream. It seems like something so special, so intimate, that I want to just have a bit of it in my life. And I get even more annoyed at the people who don't take it seriously, to either extreme. You get the people who kiss like there's no tomorrow, getting all over each other's faces in the middle of the halls, making lovely sloppy kissing noises while they're at it, and then the people who just take it for granted, not even seeming to notice when they've been kissed. I just want to experience it at some point in my life I guess. Oh, and then other days, I could care less :P
9. I have a strange addiction to Starbucks. And really, it only started this year. I mean, I've dished out hundreds to that delicious company, and it's more than a little stupid. But I just can't help it, I keep going back for more. It's not just the drink either. I'm convinced that a large part of the addiction is psychological. You don't see people getting addicted to Tim Hortons coffee, do you? No, it's because with starbucks you get the psychological bonus of knowing you spent more money, and it makes you feel a little more special when you walk down the street with that signature paper cup (I'm annoyed that they're still using Christmas cups though).
10. I get paranoid really, really easily. If someone texts me something that sounds even a little upset, I instantly assume that I've done something to them. Things like, "sounds good", "alright", "no worries", and even a "you too" at times can set me off. It just feels dismissive in a sense, and I worry that people don't want to talk to me. It's probably not true most of the time, but I get really paranoid.
11. Working on my light show for grade 9 tours right now, and I'm really happy with it so far. I'm doing it to a piece from the Dark Knight soundtrack, and so I'm attempting to light the theatre accordingly. Spent most of the afternoon working on various things to get the light show ready to go, and I'll be spending the next few days in the theatre preparing it for next Thursday.
12. My parents have been pressuring me a lot lately to get a job. Truth is though, I can't handle one right now. Tech is a full time job shoehorned into a part time schedule. As much as I need the money, I don't have the time to take one on. That and I just can't get motivated to go out and get one. I sent in a resume to Vertigo Theatre, but something tells me I won't be hearing from them anytime soon, which is really unfortunate. I was in a rush to go do tech (irony much?), so I didn't bother to write a good cover letter, which probably didn't help my professional appearance much. So hopefully I can actually make enough money to get me out to BC this time around...
13. I have a very full schedule at the moment. Most of it is light show programming at this point (I'm revising my time to work ratio to something more like 10 seconds per hour...). But then again, a fair chunk of it is hanging out with friends, something I'm quite looking forward to.
14. I just got the warm fuzzies :) All it takes is one email to make my day. Thankfully they come on a fairly regular basis, provided I reply.
15. I feel like such a psychologist at times. I ask all these questions to try to understand what's bothering people. I mean, I can almost imagine people lying on a couch, telling me all these things in person rather than through MSN. Me asking all these questions in that soothing voice, encouraging them to explain further. And yet I don't want to be like that. I want to be a friend, not a psychologist.
16. Maybe I'm just going a little insane over here, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Had a nice little Freudian slip whilst typing the word "kidding"...maybe you can figure where that one went. That's a little bit creepy though, isn't it? The fact that it seems to be at the forefront of my mind? I don't want it to be, and I like to think that it isn't.
17. I have a ton of paperwork to do for work experience. I need to do my big booklet of assignments, then finish hour sheets, plus grade 9 tours means a few sheets of paper to be distributed, and then before you know it, we'll be right into Witness. This treadmill never seems to stop.
18. I love photography, but lately I've pretty much cast it off to the wayside for a while. Maybe it's because I've been so busy with tech, but I just haven't taken the time to take any pictures lately. Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey, what can you do?
19. I have grad pictures tomorrow, and I'm kind of wondering what I should wear...I need to find some nicer jeans, pick a tie (yes, I have more than one of my own), and figure out what colour I want. Oh the decisions.
20. And now I'm a little rushed to just get this over with. Gah, I miss her. Post = over!
    

Love and War

I came across this 'animated opera' a few minutes ago whilst being distracted from studying. I just find it so beautiful that, even though it's in a language that I cannot understand at all, I understand it completely.

Another *sigh*

Of course, I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it, but to tell the truth, that's fine by me. I just hope that I'm not leading my friends astray.

Try to make ends meet

I guess it's been a while since I last posted something. Although to be honest, I'm just avoiding studying math, and being bugged about getting a job, and just human interaction overall. I really have no idea why, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, so I'm sitting alone in my room, being bored.

Online communication overall right now just seems to be lacking a lot. These past few days I've just avoided going online on MSN, but I don't know why. Just not a whole lot to say other than "how goes studying?" I have messages sitting in my inbox that I just haven't felt like replying to, even though there's no reason why I shouldn't. I don't mind hanging out and talking with people in person, it's really quite fun and enjoyable actually, but as soon as we enter the digital realm, I get bored and avoid it.

I was telling someone (you) the other day about how they (you) shouldn't lose heart when they're (you're) in a long distance relationship, and don't hear from their (your) significant other for a few days. And yet, after telling them (you) that, I realized that I'm guilty of the same thing right now. It's been 4 days since I last heard anything from her, and even though I know I shouldn't be bothered by it, that I should just understand that this is how it works, it still gets to me. I guess the biggest problem I have with it is not that she's taking a little longer than usual to reply, but the number of times that I've just been too tired to reply to her.

As soon as I finish this, I think I'll go work on my resume for a bit. My mom somehow found out that the Vertio Theatre is looking for people on their casual crew list, so I'm going to apply and see if they'll take me. Age is one thing that isn't going to be a huge help in this job however. Then I'll also do an application for starbucks, and ask at Best Buy and the Library. Ugh, I hate money.

Applied at Mount Royal and Red Deer yesterday. Really hoping for Mount Royal though, I'd have a really hard time affording res and tuition in Red Deer. And now I need to get working on a portfolio of my work so that I can actually get into the program. Now I'm just wondering if my marks are going to be good enough to get in...

Tomorrow is going to be great, I'm really looking forward to just getting into set building, and finally seeing it all come together. Hopefully my set design actually works the way I want it to

And I guess I haven't really told anyone what's happening with visiting, not that it really matters to most people. Obviously I'm not going next week, it didn't work out, which really bothers me. But as far as can be determined, I think spring break is the aim, meaning I finally have a really big incentive to earn some money.

Bleah, now I'm bored of writing in my blog. This is getting really stupid. I jst want to go to sleep. Maybe I will. Or maybe I'll get bored of sleeping too.

Hmm, I just realized it's been a whole 2 days since I last wrote in this.

Hardly know her

I don't think we've ever really met, and yet here I am at home, just feeling devastated that something like this could happen to even an acquaintance of mine. You have some really great friends, and I know they care so much about you, and so in turn I guess I care about you too.

I don't know any details, I only get snippets on how you're doing from time to time. I don't even know what you look like apart from a few glimpses in the halls. But I hope with all my heart, that you would be fine. I am praying for you constantly, and I know many others are too.

I don't ask why, because I know I'll never understand the answer. Bad things happen to good people, and it hurts when it happens. There's a reason, I'm sure, but I know we can trust that things are in His hands, and continue to pray for your healing.

And I don't know why but thank you for opening my eyes. Somehow, you helped make things just a little bit more clear for me.


I know that everything will happen as it is supposed to.

Stress

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.

Flight Cancelled

I am just so beyond words right now, this is insane.

In about 3 minutes, West Jet's sale on flights is going to end. And I won't have a flight. Why? Because my parents have decided to finally say that I need to pay back certain debts, and to get a job before I can go. Plus, I need to help them get to know her parents a little better somehow, since I'd be staying with them.

Or at least I was.

Now what? I just can't do this. I honestly just want to cry right now, I can't imagine a worse time for this to have to happen. Is it ever going to happen?

And now the sale is closed. Good night.

Updates

I've just been doing a little bit of maintenance on my blog over the past few days, not sure if you've noticed much or not.

1. Topics/Tags have been added to the most recent 100 posts I think, so if you're looking for something on a certain topic, there's a list on the right hand side. As well, the label is below each post (for example, this post is a "Random Thoughts/Bored" post).
2. Whenever I feel bored, I'll probably change the image at the top. Why? No reason.

And yeah, that's about it for now!

What time is it?

Random
What a gosh-darned cunt

Challenge
Come over sometime soon so we can make london fog's and do some of my film education

Colour
The four colours in your scarf; Red White Grey and Black (but mostly the red)

Appreciate
How perfectly natural I feel when I'm around you

Memory
Wow, so many... How about TGJD? That has to be my clearest memory

Animal
I'm so bad at this question, so how about a ferret? (None of the creepy characteristics mind you, it's just the first animal that came to mind. Plus, then we could build wings for you!)

Question
Are you bored?

LDR

I don't know how many people know what that acronym means, I hadn't really known about it for most of my life. But even if you know what it means, do you know what it means? How many people have experienced it themselves?

It's a tricky thing to talk about I guess. Whenever I can, I've avoided it as much as possible in open conversation because it seems...different in a way. When you're in a relationship with someone close by, you can have them standing by you all the time, show them off, and just always have them nearby. But this is different. Maybe none of your friends have ever met them. Maybe you've only known them for a few weeks. The circumstances are infinitely varied.

I'm so happy for you, don't get me wrong. I mean really, welcome to the club.

She doesn't call it a 'relationship' yet, and I guess that's acceptable. We've only been in contact face-to-face for 19 days, and all of those were just while sailing mates, nothing more. From there we keep in touch through facebook, and eventually it's said flat out that we like each other. Simple, right?

Well then it hurts. A lot. Because instead of say, telling them one night, then waking up the next morning and seeing them in person, suddenly you're faced with a horrible period of time where you won't be able to see them, and there's no end to it in sight. Today is day number 156 of not being able to see her. Believe me, it's hard.

So we keep talking, and eventually we hatch a plan to visit each other again. Problem is though, time and money are both a little scarce at the moment. Where's the 300 dollars for a short flight going to come from? What about a taxi? And money for going out for dinner? It's nowhere near as 'simple' as most people have it. It needs to be carefully choreographed so that everything fits together perfectly.

Maybe when I get there it'll feel wrong. Because I haven't had the luxury of seeing her as special to me, maybe when I get there, it just won't work. Am I scared? Heck yes I am. Then again, I'm even more scared of it working. Because if it does, I'm still going to be going to Mount Royal for 2 years, and she's at UVic for 2 or 3, so it's not like it's going to get easier anytime soon. The distance is always going to be there.

I've read stories about other LDR's that have worked (quite helpful actually, really helped to calm some of my fears), and it always sounds like it's right out of a love story.

Maybe it is.

It's scary. It's hard. I'm not going to deny it. It takes a normal relationship and just loads on the extra weight. It can be hard to be trusting, and difficult to believe in yourself. Sometimes it feels like it would just be better to call it off and save your heart the agony.

And yet, every time I get a new e-mail in my inbox with that special label, every time I get a text with a special vibrate, every time I see that name on Facebook, I get a brief flash of happiness.

And when I look at her face before I fall asleep, I can't help but smile in my sleep.

Another one? Fine

Random
You like ketchup

Challenge
Try starting your own blog

Colour
Dark Green/Camo

Appreciate
You've stuck around for a really long time. I mean, I've known you longer than most people, which is pretty sweet if you ask me. It's been what...10 years? 11? 12?

Memory
Attempting to build an elevator in your basement for our hot wheels cars

Animal
A fox, not really sure why

Question
How serious are you about joining the armed forces? Is it for sure what you want to do, or are you looking into other options?

My Perfect World

• The smiley face is no longer necessary in typed conversations, because everyone is always smiling anyways :)
• Text messages are free, and come and go with no delay whatsoever
• Everyone owns their own laptop, and knows how to use it
• People don't talk during movies or plays
• Music plays constantly through invisible speakers, and it somehow never gets boring or dull, too loud or quiet, and everyone likes it.
• Travel is simple and uncomplicated
• People can see the long term outcomes of their actions before they make them
• Facebook is an optional distraction
• Tech has a final exam
• Academics don't
• Winter break is warm and long
• People make snow angels without snow going down their back
• The snow is always the perfect consistency
• Cookies never burn
• The day never ends before it needs to
• Gaff grows on trees...in blackout
• Everyone has a blog that they update on a regular basis
• People are unafraid to just do what they should
• Every morning you wake up and breakfast is waiting for you
• Classes start at 11
• And end at 11:30
• Electronics never break
• Love is a prerequisite
• Broken hearts are replaceable
  
• The world becomes a musical 3 times a month
• The techies are in charge of the world
• Starbucks is free
• And everywhere
• And Super-venti exists
• People are fully rested, no matter how long they sleep for
• English projects are due when you're done them
• Your theme song never gets old
• Anyone can go wherever they want in the world, without worrying about money, etc
• Tech is the pinnacle of intelligence; lawyers have nothing on the techies

Among other things...

Because I can write in full sentences

Random
*poke* = random noise = hilarious

Challenge
I challenge you to try pepperoni pizza...with whipped cream on top! hehehehe

Colour
It is a very, interesting colour, and I will always associate it with you because of that one day when we randomly hung out in the mall, then went and had lunch with your mom at cheescake. Everything was Orange!

Appreciate
There really are quite a few to be honest, such as how you listen better than anyone else I know, or how you put up with my flaws, or how I know that I'll always be able to count on you if I need to talk.

Memory
Guess it would have to be the fire drill, but also math class, and walking on nose hill, and being more excited, and seeing Elizabeth, and days and weeks and months and years of awesomeness!

Animal
I'm sorry, I've just never really associated animals with people... I guess maybe a bird of some sort, because of how insanely fast you talk when you get hyper :P

Question
Honestly, what did I ever do to deserve a friend as great as you? I look back at old conversations, previous blog entries, expired pictures, and what do I see? Someone who has been there day in and out, always there to make me smile, to give me a dose of reality, to give me that little extra push when things are tough. I've got so much crap in my life, I've screwed up so much more than anyone will ever know, and yet somehow you walked into my life, and I still can't believe it. To be given complete trust, to be totally open, to be accepted for the messed up person that I am; it astounds me. Honestly, why me? So many other people would have packed up and left ages ago, and yet somehow you're still here, closer than ever. From the highest to the lowest, I have always been able to count on you, and hopefully, you on me. So thank you.

Liability

And since I simply must copy and paste a few words by order of the great M, here is the great questionnaire:

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your own profile.