Dollars and cents

WestJet Flight, Round trip
$323.75

Taxi Ride from YVR to Horseshoe Bay
Approx. $50

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Spending Money
$40?

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Taxi Ride from Horseshoe Bay to YVR
Approx. $50


A trip to visit?
Not quite so priceless... :(

Hehe

I really should be asleep, and yet I have to (again) write something down. Maybe it'll never be fully understood, but the meaning is here.

I guess there are just times when things can't be said directly for one reason or another. I really should suck it up and say things, but I never do.

Why do I always try to be sneaky?
Because it makes me feel smart for some reason.
Do I somehow think I'm going to gain something out of it?
Yes.


I do all kinds of random things.
That last quiz you just copied?
I love it when people don't even notice.
Yeah, I made it.
Sometimes I even do things with great intentions!
It was actually a trick of sorts
I have wonderful reasons, at least in my mind..
I wanted to know if you were mad at me
Things don't always work out according to plan unfortunately.
So I made up a quiz that answered what I wanted to know
There are times when my purposes are leaked.
and share.
People sometimes see through my scheming.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but I needed to know.
Many times they don't.
I felt like I had lost my best friend in the world.
I don't like coming across as insincere or dishonest
A title you deserve in so many ways.
Maybe I should just stop this game and be open.
I want you to be happy. That's honestly all that's left.
If I want to make things work, maybe it's time to reveal.
Above anything else.
Maybe it's time to just be concise.

Deja

I don't really think it could accurately be described at true "deja vu", because it never actually happened. And yet for some reason, today I suddenly found myself in a place that was somewhat familiar, and I was pulled back to a, well, very stressful moment in my life.

(To be 'clear', I mentally linked a number of various locations and words together at one moment in time, and experienced a very strange, near deja vu feeling.)

For obvious reasons (though only obvious to me, because I'm not going to give enough clues so that you know what I'm talking about), I can't mention names or occurrences, but I just feel like writing this out.

We were driving up a main road, and at one point there's a stop sign, and you can either go left or straight. To the left is a huge residential area, and ahead is just more road, with houses further up. None of that is important. What got me was that someone mentioned something (I'm calling it X for now, anything more and it would make sense), and it was like I got stuck inside a blender. You see, X had caused some pretty major problems for me and a number of other people a few months back, and so now any mention of X whatsoever just kills me.

I mean, maybe it's stupid, but I just can't shake it, even to this day. I know the time, the date, and every single word. I can recall every detail. And I really don't want to.

Mention X, and it's all I can think of. Why? Because X changed my life. Thankfully it didn't have as much effect as it could have, but it still changed me. I can hardly dare to imagine what would have happened if X had taken it's full effect.

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but it scares me to this day. Seriously. You say you're going to sleep now, and mention X, and my head goes haywire. I have to calm myself down and just reply with a typical and pre-programmed answer just to keep it hidden away.

Gah, it's so stupid, but I can't seem to change it.

*sigh*

I'm scared of X, not because of what it did, but of what it could have done.

(And I'm fine talking to anyone about the 'true identity' of X in private, I just don't think this is the place for it.)


In fact I think it might actually be nice to talk about it.

Who knows anymore.

My god do I ever miss her...

And I have to agree...I really love that picture too

Wrong

Something is wrong. I have no idea what it is, but I am so completely depressed right now it's insane. I had a really great afternoon; total reorganization of my room leaves me with tons of space, and coffee/hanging out with Mel was awesome as always. And yet here I sit, bored out of my mind to the point where I can't summon the energy to turn on my laptop or even to just fall asleep. I don't know what it is, but I'm just missing something.

In a week I'll be going back to class, and truthfully, it's a huge relief. At least when we're in school I'm busy. And being busy is nice. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Today I was thinking about Jen. More than usual that is. You see, the last time we actually saw each other face to face was August 3rd, and personally, I think that's a pretty long time (148 days to be exact). To be perfectly honest, the whole thing scares me quite a bit, because it seems so drastic and almost stupid when I really look at it. I mean really, is it really smart to even consider becoming involved with someone who lives so far away? I'm just asking for trouble.

Yes, we talk, and it's one of the few reasons why I still believe there's any hope in my actions. I mean, total length of conversations is 59 pages, or 25,000 words. And while length seems to keep increasing, I just find it harder and harder to keep focus on my goals.

Sorry about babbling on, I just can't sleep, and need to write.

I miss her so much, but I don't know if I can do it. I imagine what it would be like to wake up on January 22nd, drive to the airport, get on a plane and spend 4 days just being happy. But I don't know if it could ever live up to my crazy expectations. I'm scared that it would be awkward really. 20 days knowing her in person, how many in between? How can I be sure that this is right? Yes it's probably best to just take the risk and hope that it all works out, but I just can't shake the feeling that it'd be a waste.

No, that's not it. I'm scared, that's what it is.

What do I want?

I've had the craziest dreams lately, most of which I won't be sharing anytime soon. But things are just so...grrr. I don't know what to think anymore.

The folllwing is written with my etes closed and my head down. I have no idea what buttons I'm pushing only guessing and hoping that I get the right ones. I'm guessing my accuracy so far has been prety good, a positive oucome of spending so much of my life on the computer. I bet if someone walkedin right now it would look quite halarious actually. Me in bed, lying on top of two stacked pillows, my laptop in front of me, my fingers flying like mad across the keyboard, and my head fallen agains my arm. You know how it looks when people fall asleep reading a book? Well that's what I ilook like now, only my fingers are still working. Bleahg. if that made any sense at all, get to a hospital, somthing is probabl wrong with you too. *sigh* Still eyes closed, I'm starting to wonder how long this is. Oh man, that would really suck if I was just off by one key. so that everything I've written is just ginnerish. Heck, I bet a ton of words are totally illeigible because I'm not even going to go back and proofread this. I'm just going insane, that's all/ I guess this is what it's like to be blind... Now I'm going to purpoosely shift my hand over one key, and see what it looks like. \o ,oss jer ps ,igj rogjt mpw. ot's mpt evem gimmy/ \o wpi;f fibr smuyjomh yp drr jrt shsom/ Oh wow, that's a little nuts. Maybe I should get some sleep?

Nah.

I want to just spend some time with someone right now. Anyone really. Just spending time with people is so relaxing, I would give anything to just be able to talk to someone for a while right now. But that's not going to happen, everyone's probably asleep anyways. Once in a while Taryn comes over and we'll watch a movie. That's nice, because of course then we're both just toolazy to get up off the couch and go to sleep, so we end up talking until 1. That's what I could use right now. Gah, why must you bein in Saskatchewan Fergus? I'm disappointed in you.

Or maybe this is me having the drugs leave my system. I've been drug free for what, a week now? It's absolutely killing me. I would give anything for a fix right now, absolutely anything. It keeps me egoing, I'm totally dependent on mt drugs now, and it's likely not good for me at all. But the drugs are so addictive! I deal it too now, so I can see how quickly people get hooked. People come to me for their fix, and I'm all too happy to oblige. (Now read that again. Tech is my drug).

Ooh, I have a muscle! And a bone! And just LOOK at that fingernail...

Lollipop, lollipo, kikkuois,

Facebook!

Sorr, now I'm just being stupid. I'm bored of his, I need something new. I miss her, and I want to be less bored.



I'm scared.

We want crisps

Well, I'm just sitting in bed, in a very open and clean room, with absolutely nothing to do.

That's not true I guess, but there's nothing that I want to do...

On my iPod there's an application called "Tap Tap Revenge". It's pretty much just guitar hero for your fingers, and I'm practically addicted. One of the fun things that I like doing is playing online - I can play the songs against a few different people in real time, and see how I do in comparison to other people. Stupid probably, but hey, it's fun :P

I have another 7 minutes before the next song, and now I'm bored. It's 11:00, and I really should just go to sleep, but it's almost like I'm too bored to sleep. That and I'm still having a text conversation with M, and I just don't feel like cutting off quite yet. So we'll get my heart pumping with a few Tap Tap songs, and go from there. 6 more minutes. Let's go on facebook...

Light Show

I just feel like writing down how I work on light shows, and specifically, my light show for the grade 9 tours.

1: Visualization
I start by making a playlist of the one song that I will be using (August's Rhapsody), put it on repeat, shut off all the lights, and just listen. In the dark I imagine what the theatre looks like, and I see different lights turning on and off with the music. I see pulsating lights at one point, a flash here, spinning colours and so on. I know the technical limitations of the theatre through my past experience, and can visualize what things I'm capable of doing. I get general ideas of what each thematic section of the piece will look like, and silently conduct my invisible orchestra in the dark. I would be put away in a mental institute if anyone saw me during this step, I'm sure.

2: Write it down
I play the piece again, and quickly type what I've been thinking. This keeps me centered around my original idea. However, this is more just to help me lock into the ideas more than an actual reference, because once I get programming, it's all inside my head.

3: Data
Since everything I do has to do with time, I need to know how fast the piece goes. I find the bpm values of sections, and find out how many tenths of a second I'll use (the smallest value of time on the light board).

4: Randomly start
I don't like to waste much time, so I pretty much just dive right into programming. I start at the beginning, and work my way through to save some numerical hassle later on. Perhaps it's slower that way, but it works fine for me...

5: Get tired of blogging, leave it, then post it when bugged by a nagging reader lol

Something new

It's that time (day) of year again, where everyone finds a way to find a little bit more hope and happiness in their daily lives in the midst of overwhelming darkness. We celebrate Christmas, a cocktail mix of religious celebration, crass commercialism, and annual tradition, with such overwhelming gusto that we have to start in November just to fit it all in. I'm not complaining, I just think that people need to take a bit of a deeper look into why they even celebrate Christmas (something I won't be doing this evening).

As you have probably already noticed, I've pretty drastically changed the look of my blog, and I think I'll be sticking with it for a while. Really just a new look to keep me awake more than anything lol.

But now, I think it's time I did some Christmas greetings. Much the same as last year's, written way down in Phoenix. This year it's coming to you all the way from my bed. How lucky are you?

1 - To my most faithful reader, and one of my greatest friends, it's been another great year. I think if we mapped out the year, it'd be a nice simple tan graph (fitting, isn't it?) and I love where the equilibrium has put us. I don't tire of saying how much you've changed my life, and I hope we can stay friends for many, many years to come. I hope that the new year will find you love and happiness, peace and rest, and above all else, tech and gaff. I'm always going to be here for you, just as you have always been for me. Hope it's been a great Christmas for you, and get better soon! (Can't wait for Monday!)

2 - Another year of thinking alike greatly, and I must say...I just never got around to finishing this. Figures :P

Mellow

I guess it's just been a weird few days/weeks/months/terms...

Lots going on. I think I might just list them as they come to me.

• Recording today in the theatre went awesome. I mean, yeah I've done recordings before, but this just felt so..good. The result was way beyond anything I've ever made before, and I just can't stop listening to it, over and over and over again.
• I'm really having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Less than a week left until Christmas day, and I still haven't given any thought as to what to get my family for presents. Not that I have the money anyways...
• Well, I guess the unanimous result from my poll was pretty conclusive...now to just figure out when. So excited, you actually have no idea at all!
• I'm watching a number of my friends struggle to finish off those physics projects. I help in any way I can, and hey, I'm probably the fastest Google/Wiki searcher you'll find, but honestly, there's not much I can do.
• I definitely failed the math test today. I felt like total crap when I walked out of that room, it was NOT fun. I just couldn't do any of it.
• I sometimes feel bad about being so mean, but honestly, I've done my absolute best to cut the strings in a nice, humane, easy way, but you just keep insist on worming your way back into my life. I just can't handle it, so please, respect that I've asked you to stop.
• It's 11:11
• For some reason I always like to wish right now for that one very special thing.
• And no, it's not starbucks.
  
• I still need to reply to her e-mail, I just always procrastinate on these things, and I shouldn't.
• So, a car ride to the airport, plane ride to Vancouver, taxi or bus to the ferry dock, a ferry ride to the island, and then who knows what. Sucks that travel has to be so expensive. Definitely a limiting factor that I'm NOT looking forward to.
• My favourite picture of Jenna was used in an online magazine recently, I'm quite happy about it :) (The Epoch Times)
• I love piano music. I'm listening to some nice piano solo Christmas carols, and I couldn't ask for better music for the moment. Good fun.
• Tomorrow will be the last day. I'm so sad. I mean, 2 weeks without seeing so many people. And then no theatre? I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I simply don't have enough of a life outside of theatre to fill my time with.
• I'm addicted to Starbucks
• And now adrenalin I think. I realized that I like keeping the intensity going in everything I do, and that sometimes comes across as being angry or annoyed. It's more that I'm just sprinting through life and it looks like everyone else is just crawling. It annoys me when the rest of the world is slower than me.
• I love tech.
• I love a lot of things actually.
• And yet, I don't know if there is anyone outside my immediate family that I can honestly say I love. I know I've said it before, and yeah, I guess I did mean it. I love people as friends, there's no question about that. But romantic love? I don't know yet. Maybe it's waiting for me to arrive at the ferry dock? Maybe I'll be leaving it at the airport? Who knows where it is.
• Oooh, I have to pick colours for my room. I'm looking at a deep, dark red, and one wall in a red that's just a little lighter. Still not sure. Or maybe I liked the brown one? I don't remember.
• Should Alberta be nuclear powered? Hmm
• Oh Facebook, what would I do without you?

Ok, I should stop this now, reply to that e-mail, then get to bed.

Oh great, and I have a vocab quiz tomorrow that I still have to study for. Yay...

I'm a bit of a copy cat... (hehe, cat)

I read this on one of the blogs/photography websites I follow on a regular basis, and it kind of made me realize one of the reasons why I still can't think of anything that I would like for Christmas.

2008: I don't know what's in store, but I do know one thing: I am happy. I honestly don't want a single gift this year because I have everything that truly matters. A healthy family, a hopeful future, an amazing husband, fabulous friends, and the world's most adorable dog. I couldn't ask for more.

Full Post here

Should I go?

I guess I've said that I would, and it's not as if I'm not excited to, I just naturally question every decision I make now, because I'm so much more concerned about other people's opinions and feelings than my own. And that often leaves me in predicaments like these.

I've asked my parents, and they're supportive. I just need to find the money and time, and it'll happen. Problem is, I have hardly any of either.

What would happen once I'm there? Would it be awkward? Would I wish I had never come?

No.

I need to, because if I don't, I'll just get too comfortable with the Berlin Wall of internet, and never be able to fully know if there's any point to it.

A single message makes my day. To see words created by those hands fills me with a sense of joy, and I try to take time to simply focus on them and nothing else. It's a nice break to talk to someone who isn't prejudiced by my social circumstance or physical appearances. At the same time, it's a curse.

----

And yet while I have all those thoughts, I am constantly nagged by thoughts of...


...no, I can't write that. I'll think it instead. Oh dreams, where art thou?

Sick at home, and very very bored

1. Where is your cell phone? Sitting on my stomach, waiting for it's next message.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Don't think it could be called that yet.
3. Your hair? Boring and flat.
4. Work? School/Tech theatre
5. Your father? Working on putting new floors in our basement.
6. Your favorite thing? Tech and friends
7. Your dream last night? No idea, I hardly ever remember nowadays
8. Your favorite drink? Venti Vanilla Earl Grey Tea Misto
9. Your dream car? One that works? I could care less about cars
10. The room you’re in? Living room/temporary bedroom/furniture storage room
11. Your pet? World's greatest dog, Jenna
12. Your fears? Loss
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Technical Director, or something of that sort
14. Where did you hang out last night? In the chapel at church with all the other choir and orchestra people
15. What you’re not good at? Many things, like keeping my mouth shut when necessary
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex? Depends on the person
17. One of your wish list items? Laptop, plane ticket
18. Where you grew up? Calgary, aka, Brentwood
19. The last thing you did? Went to school to drop off the math project and find out what I would miss.
20. What are you wearing? Jeans, shirt, hoodie, blanket
21. what aren’t you wearing? A parka?
23. Your computer? Belongs to the school
24. Your life? Up and down
25. Your mood? Bored, annoyed
26. Missing? Health, certain people
27. Who are you thinking about right now? Anyone who has read my blog for the past few months would know.
28. Your car? Don't have one just yet
29. Your work? Again, school and tech
30. Your summer? Could have been better, and the beginning of something I hope will be great
31. Your relationship status? Wish I knew, it's iffy at the moment
32. Your favorite colour? Green and or Black
33. When is the last time you laughed? This morning when I messed up the days of Christmas
34. Last time you cried? Full out? Grade 5 I think
35. School? Should be canceled today
************************

MOUTHOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Major chain would be A&W
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? The KEG, Cheesecake
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it? Starbucks
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Meat of most types
What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter and grape jam
What is your favorite type of gum? Don't really have a favourite, but I like minty/cold gum. Fruity is nice too.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer? My French Horn
How many televisions are in your house? 2
Do you use a laptop or desktop? Laptop at the moment, but desktop from time to time too

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Do you like your smile? Nope
What’s your best feature? I don't really know. I like my eyes...
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, and lots of them
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Sight, but hearing is really good too
When was the last time you had a cavity? Few years ago
What is the heaviest item you lifted last? Not sure, probably sand bags in the theatre, or my backpack.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Not that I know of

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die? I think it would be helpful for the planning of the rest of my life, so yes
Is love for real? Absolutely. I just don't know if I've ever known it for sure
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't
What color do you think looks best on you? Black or dark brown
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Maybe, I don't recall
Have you ever saved someone’s life? On the spot, I don't think so, but maybe in other ways I have.
Has someone ever saved yours? Yes

DAREOLOGY

Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000? Unlikely
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Depends on who, but sure
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000? Not a chance
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Definitely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? No
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? I'd consider it
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Heck yes! I don't watch it as it is...


DUMBOLOGY

What is in your left pocket? My knife and random change
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Haven't seen it in a while, but I didn't really like it
Do you sit or stand in the shower? Who sits?
Could you live with roommates? I guess so, depends on the person/people
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? None
Where were you born? Kingston, Ontario
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Never have actually
What do you want to be when you grow up? See 13...

LASTOLOGY

Friend you talked to? Melissa via text
Last person you called? Ms. Fraser about the cast pictures being printed
Person you kissed? Apart from my family, never.
………………………………

When? N/A
Would you kiss that person again? N/A

FAVORITOLOGY

Number? Meh, I've never had one
Seasons? Summer

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone? Yes
Mood? Still bored
Listening to? My heater keeping me warm
Worrying about? Dress rehearsal today, and if I should go or not

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning? Bathroom, at about 2
What can you not wait to do? Do something other than lie in bed
What’s the last movie you saw? Just watched an old episode of House actually
Do you smile often? Depends
Are you a friendly person? I always try to be, yes

Good, the first half is over, now have some more fun:

1. Where is the boy/girl you like now? On an island, probably in her room
2. What were you doing Friday night? Watching Dark Knight with Taryn
3. Name something you did yesterday? Orchestra
4. Last person you text messaged? Melissa
5. Who was the last person to call you? Mr. Riegel, because the concert had been cancelled
6. What are you doing right now? Um, this quiz?
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? Who knows? Probably Ireland.
8. What color are your eyes? Blue
9. Are you allergic to anything? Not that I'm aware of
10. Are you dating the last person you kissed? Refer to Lastology
11. Last place you ordered food from? Cheesecake
12. Who was the last person you shared a dinner with? All the awesome techies at Cheesecake
13. What color is your hair? Plain-old brown
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Sure
15. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Refer to Lastology
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? Don't have many secrets
17. When was the last time you lied? Haha, in the last question
18. Do you like fire? It's pretty :)
19. Did you have a nap today? Sort of, I was half-awake for a few hours this morning
20. What is your favorite drink? Refer to question 8
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans, don't even own sweats
(The person I got this from cut out a bunch of questions...)
25. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing now? Old Navy
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? If I could teach tech theatre, sure

28. Is anyone jealous of you? Perhaps

30. Have any regrets? Definitely, though I try not to dwell on them
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? Same place I am now, in bed
32. Where were you 8 hours ago? Again, still in bed

35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Yes

37. Is cheating ever okay? No
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom, this morning
39. What are you looking forward to? Dress Rehearsal/going back to school

41. Have you kissed anyone in the past week? No! enough about the kissing, ok?

43. What are you listening to? Refer to Currentology

45. Favorite Sports Team? Could care less. Flames and Hitmen
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? Not sure yet
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, that hurts
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? Not sure yet
50. What woke you up this morning? Pain

52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Not a chance, band concert :(
53. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Once again, no

55. How many myspace accounts do you have? None
56. Do or did you like school? Some aspects of it, yes
56. Would you take a bullet for anyone? Yes
57. Where would you like to live? In the theatre
58. Do long distance relationships work? Oh I wish I knew...
59. Does your crush like you? Says she does, but now I'm wondering again
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In a theatre
61. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? No
62. Does a kiss make your cuts feel better? Not that I know of
63. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? Nada
64. Can you cook? Definitely
65. What shoe do you put on first, left or right? Depends, normally my left
66. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? No
67. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? Heck no
68. Have you ever thought about your death? Yeah
69. Whats your hair color? Refer to 13.
70. Where do you put your towel after taking a shower? On an old tripod that has become my towel rack
71. What color is your shower curtain? Plain white
72. Have you ever had stitches? Not that I know of
73. Are you straight? Yes
74. Did you believe that girls have cooties? Nope, I was never a part of that fad
75. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Not well
76. Can you finish the phrase, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants?

79. Who was the last person you couldn’t take your eyes off of? That's between my eyes and me
80. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No
81. Have you ever run over an animal? Nope
82. What is your favourite cereal? Haven't had cereal in months
83. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? Nope
84. Have you gotten a text today? Sure have
85. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Meh, go for it if you like
86. Where’s your favorite place to be? In the theatre of course

88. It’s Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Witness rehearsal
89. Who are the last four people to send you a text message? Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Brian

91. What are you listening to? Refer back to any of the repeats
92. Your christmas list consists of? Nothing at the moment
93. Your ex just asked you out and you say? I say I've worked so hard to finish things that I couldn't do it.
94. You’re going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? A map store
95. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Old Navy likely
96. How do you feel about your hair? Refer to question 3.
97. What time do you wake up for school? I didn't...hehehe
98. What movie is in your DVD player? Probably a House dvd
99. Last two numbers in your phone number? 44
100. Who calls you by a nickname? I think lots of people call me Gram, but I can't tell the difference anymore
101. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The top side
102. Do you like roller coasters? Been a while, but sure
103. Favorite T.V. show? House
104. Your last IM was from? Alex
105. Favorite Beverage? Again???? VVEGTM
106. When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone of the opposite sex? Who knows these things?
107. What do your pants look like? Jeans?
108. Are you tired? Of this quiz, yes
109. Do you have to pee? Nope
110. Would you kiss the cook of tonights dinner? Sure, she's my mom, why not?
111. Laugh much? Not as much as I'd like to
112. What are your plans for Saturday? Once again, nothing yet

114. Favorite sit down restaurant? Stop repeating yourself
115. Bubble gum flavor of choice? See above
116. What do you want to be when you grow up? See Above
117. The most excitement you had this week? What a boring week this has been...
118. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? Never been
119. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? Nope, never seen it
120. When was the last time you were up all night? Long time ago I think
121. Where is your favorite place? See above (The theatre)
122. Do you ever think about the price of gasoline? Not really
123. Do you sleep with a fan on? Wish I could, but can't
124. What’s the best thing about winter? The pretty snow
125. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? I try to from time to time, but many times it slips
126. How many states have you been to? 3 I think
127. Are you currently planning a trip? Yes, to Vancouver, assuming all goes as planned/hoped
128. Who was the last person you read something out loud to? Don't remember
129. Last time you forced yourself to do something? Today, to wake up
130. Have you ever googled your name and found somebody? I think so
140. Who’s your number one? The person before my number two
141. Can you drive? Sort of
142. What makes you feel like you are young again? Being the young person that I am
143. Do you ever type “kik” or “;p’;” instead of “lol”? um, sure?
144. Do you know how to play chess? Nope, not yet
145. Whats on your mind right now? Publishing this so I can go back to school

Last post for a while

I'm going to take a few days off blogging while I sort some things out, and get through these shows. I'm sorry if my posting so much has offended anyone in any way, it's just my way of thinking.

But something is wrong. With me.
I'm starting to realize that every time I talk to anyone through any sort of text format, be it e-mail, texts, facebook messages, or blogs, I can't help but feel like everyone is mad at me. Like I've done something so horribly wrong that the world is now punishing me for it. People who I would never dream would be so terribly angry suddenly come across as if they're accusing me of something.
I got a short e-mail from Ms. Fraser, and honestly, it was like she was reprimanding a problem student, and I know that she doesn't view me that way. But why am I suddenly thinking that everything is like that? Am I so tired that I am now believing that everyone is out to get me?

So can I just say that I'm sorry? I didn't realize it was this bad until now, and I want it to stop. I apologize with all of my heart if I've said things that are hurtful or accusing. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, because each and every person I know has done great things for me, and I don't want to repay it by pushing you away. I'm going to try to stay away from text communication for a few days, but I'd be more than happy to just talk in person, if you so desire.

Here we go again...

1. What should you be doing right now?
Likely going to bed, I said I would about 15 minutes ago...

2. Is there any particular reason you do these interviews?
Because they take time, it's something to put on my blog, and it gives me a chance to look at myself objectively in certain areas.

3. Do you like someone?
Yes, I do. I haven't seen her in months now, but I'm hoping to change that in a few weeks. I have no idea where it's going, but I can hope that it will lead to something, right?

4. Do they like you back?
They say they do, and I have no reason do doubt it in any way. I guess the only way to know for sure is to actually see her again.

5. Are you angry at someone?
I'm really trying not to be, because I know it's not going to help at all. And yet I just feel wronged in a way, and as much as that feels wrong and stupid, it's just how I'm feeling. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, because that's the least of my intentions, but something else is driving this car right now.

6. Are they angry at you?
I honestly couldn't tell you. They might be now, but I don't think they were mad first. I really wish I knew.

7. What's bugging you right now?
So many things. Mainly the shows taking over my life, and Christmas in general. I'm such a scrooge, but I honestly don't want to think about Christmas right now.

8. Would you change who you are if it would make someone accept you?
Not so much accept as much as just return. I would change anything to go back to the way things were.

9. What are you longing for the most?
Probably money, but also sleep and understanding.

10. What are you apprehensive about?
Asking my parents if I can fly to Vancouver alone to meet someone they don't know.

11. First thing on your left:
Rosco Gel swatch

12. First thing on your right:
Paperwork for college applications

13. One thing in your pocket:
Mini slotted screwdriver (fixing twist-lock plug)

14. Something flammable near you:
Box of 250 matches! Yay for flammable photography!

15. Last thing you had to drink:
Koala Springs pop

16. Last time you were outside:
About 2 hours ago, bringing laminate flooring inside

17. How many tabs/windows open in your browser?
11 tabs lol...maybe I should close a few

18. How many friends online?
4

19. How many texts today?
None :(

20. Last e-mail?
Right now, a Facebook message notification from Graeme, talking about what to get Witness secret santas...guess I should get working on that


How Many:
21: Facebook Friends?
317! W00t!

22: MSN Contacts?
Hahaha, 15

23: Cell Phone Contacts?
41, but 204 in my iPod

24: How many songs on your iPod/MP3?
2041

25: Texts in your inbox?
45 (default cleanup level)

26: E-mails in your inbox?
6711 lol, mostly from Facebook

27: Unread e-mails?
Zippo, I read them all

28: Voicemails?
None, I don't use the phone much at all

29: MSN Conversations going on right now?
Just the one with my main man Alex

30: Hours have you been awake?
14...that's about 4 too long at the moment


31. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Either a text message, a plane ticket, or a bag of Swedish Berries

32. One song that's stuck in your head
Haha, "Danny Boy" for some reason

33. Last thing you bought?
"Every Day is Exactly the Same" - NIN

34. What are you going to do tomorrow?
Attempt to sleep until around 7:30, get up, shower, go to classes, get the theatre ready to go in 3 hours, run shows, come home, complain about my life, sleep.

35. What time is it?
Exactly midnight. Definitely time for sleep...

36. If you knew you were going to die in exactly 24 hours, what would you do?
Well I wouldn't sleep, that's for sure! I'd do everything I could to make sure the shows still run smoothly, sort out all my differences, consider booking a flight to say goodbye (4 of my last hours well spent? I would hope so...) and just generally allow myself to leave well.

37. Why don't you do these things now?
Well, explanations then:
Shows: well, the only reason I'd have to work on it is because I wouldn't be there.
Differences: Can I just say I'm doing everything I can already?
Flight: In progress, just not in such a rushed manner
Leave well: Isn't that what we all want?

38. If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?
Oh wow, um, a toss up between two things. Either the distance between us so I wouldn't have to do the whole LDR thing and worry about booking flights, or to resolve whatever is going on between my friend and I, or at least to understand why it's ending so abruptly.

39. One wish for everyone in the world
That everyone would be able to see the long term consequences (both positive and negative) of their actions, before they make those decisions.

40. One picture that you find very meaningful/special/beautiful
I have a few (don't take that the wrong way), but the last one that really 'spoke' to me was on Post Secret:

Photo

Dystopia

the vision of a society that is the opposite of utopia. A dystopian society is one in which the conditions of life characterized by human misery, poverty, oppression, violence, disease, and/or pollution.
Could there be a better word for it?

---

Yes, I know I've changed. Heck, who hasn't? Does anything ever stay the same for a second anymore?

I don't know where to turn now. Do I give up or press on?

Oh somebody just shoot me. Please. There's nothing else here for me to live for now. If things really are just going to keep going downhill like they are, might as well quit while I'm still ahead, right?

I'm not going to say anything more until there's been time. Everyone's tired, and it's not going to make anything better if I complain about it rudely. I don't want this to happen, because I'm really not emotionally able to deal with it right now, but I can't make it worse by bugging you about it. I'm sorry, I just can help but feel like something has changed, and I don't like the updated version one bit.

cos[♥] = ?

Here I am, trying to study for my huge math midterm tomorrow, and I just feel like crap. It doesn't matter what I do, I am constantly lapsing into severe depression whenever I'm alone. I talk to my friends, but everything they say seems to come across as a reason for me to believe that they're going to leave me.

I'm so scared that this is going to have me end up losing my best friend. I hardly see him now because of rehearsals, and I just can't connect with him anymore. There's nothing that upsets me more. If I could just know that all it would take is for me to stop working on the shows to get things back to normal, I would. I just can't imagine losing that.

I'm so worried about this world. It's like a blanket, and the end is frayed. Someone is pulling on one of the fibers and everything is unraveling in front of me.

I think I need help. I'm so stressed out, and this hypochondria is really getting to me. Today I convinced myself that I have bipolar disorder. Sure, I might, but how can I know anymore?



I'm just spiraling down. This plane is speeding towards the ground in a huge inferno of flames. I can see the ground in front of me. I can count down the distance to the bottom; a measly 16 days. But how much longer will this plane hold out?

I can't stand this

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?