Dollars and cents

WestJet Flight, Round trip
$323.75

Taxi Ride from YVR to Horseshoe Bay
Approx. $50

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Spending Money
$40?

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Taxi Ride from Horseshoe Bay to YVR
Approx. $50


A trip to visit?
Not quite so priceless... :(

Hehe

I really should be asleep, and yet I have to (again) write something down. Maybe it'll never be fully understood, but the meaning is here.

I guess there are just times when things can't be said directly for one reason or another. I really should suck it up and say things, but I never do.

Why do I always try to be sneaky?
Because it makes me feel smart for some reason.
Do I somehow think I'm going to gain something out of it?
Yes.


I do all kinds of random things.
That last quiz you just copied?
I love it when people don't even notice.
Yeah, I made it.
Sometimes I even do things with great intentions!
It was actually a trick of sorts
I have wonderful reasons, at least in my mind..
I wanted to know if you were mad at me
Things don't always work out according to plan unfortunately.
So I made up a quiz that answered what I wanted to know
There are times when my purposes are leaked.
and share.
People sometimes see through my scheming.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but I needed to know.
Many times they don't.
I felt like I had lost my best friend in the world.
I don't like coming across as insincere or dishonest
A title you deserve in so many ways.
Maybe I should just stop this game and be open.
I want you to be happy. That's honestly all that's left.
If I want to make things work, maybe it's time to reveal.
Above anything else.
Maybe it's time to just be concise.

Deja

I don't really think it could accurately be described at true "deja vu", because it never actually happened. And yet for some reason, today I suddenly found myself in a place that was somewhat familiar, and I was pulled back to a, well, very stressful moment in my life.

(To be 'clear', I mentally linked a number of various locations and words together at one moment in time, and experienced a very strange, near deja vu feeling.)

For obvious reasons (though only obvious to me, because I'm not going to give enough clues so that you know what I'm talking about), I can't mention names or occurrences, but I just feel like writing this out.

We were driving up a main road, and at one point there's a stop sign, and you can either go left or straight. To the left is a huge residential area, and ahead is just more road, with houses further up. None of that is important. What got me was that someone mentioned something (I'm calling it X for now, anything more and it would make sense), and it was like I got stuck inside a blender. You see, X had caused some pretty major problems for me and a number of other people a few months back, and so now any mention of X whatsoever just kills me.

I mean, maybe it's stupid, but I just can't shake it, even to this day. I know the time, the date, and every single word. I can recall every detail. And I really don't want to.

Mention X, and it's all I can think of. Why? Because X changed my life. Thankfully it didn't have as much effect as it could have, but it still changed me. I can hardly dare to imagine what would have happened if X had taken it's full effect.

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but it scares me to this day. Seriously. You say you're going to sleep now, and mention X, and my head goes haywire. I have to calm myself down and just reply with a typical and pre-programmed answer just to keep it hidden away.

Gah, it's so stupid, but I can't seem to change it.

*sigh*

I'm scared of X, not because of what it did, but of what it could have done.

(And I'm fine talking to anyone about the 'true identity' of X in private, I just don't think this is the place for it.)


In fact I think it might actually be nice to talk about it.

Who knows anymore.

My god do I ever miss her...

And I have to agree...I really love that picture too

Wrong

Something is wrong. I have no idea what it is, but I am so completely depressed right now it's insane. I had a really great afternoon; total reorganization of my room leaves me with tons of space, and coffee/hanging out with Mel was awesome as always. And yet here I sit, bored out of my mind to the point where I can't summon the energy to turn on my laptop or even to just fall asleep. I don't know what it is, but I'm just missing something.

In a week I'll be going back to class, and truthfully, it's a huge relief. At least when we're in school I'm busy. And being busy is nice. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Today I was thinking about Jen. More than usual that is. You see, the last time we actually saw each other face to face was August 3rd, and personally, I think that's a pretty long time (148 days to be exact). To be perfectly honest, the whole thing scares me quite a bit, because it seems so drastic and almost stupid when I really look at it. I mean really, is it really smart to even consider becoming involved with someone who lives so far away? I'm just asking for trouble.

Yes, we talk, and it's one of the few reasons why I still believe there's any hope in my actions. I mean, total length of conversations is 59 pages, or 25,000 words. And while length seems to keep increasing, I just find it harder and harder to keep focus on my goals.

Sorry about babbling on, I just can't sleep, and need to write.

I miss her so much, but I don't know if I can do it. I imagine what it would be like to wake up on January 22nd, drive to the airport, get on a plane and spend 4 days just being happy. But I don't know if it could ever live up to my crazy expectations. I'm scared that it would be awkward really. 20 days knowing her in person, how many in between? How can I be sure that this is right? Yes it's probably best to just take the risk and hope that it all works out, but I just can't shake the feeling that it'd be a waste.

No, that's not it. I'm scared, that's what it is.

What do I want?

I've had the craziest dreams lately, most of which I won't be sharing anytime soon. But things are just so...grrr. I don't know what to think anymore.

The folllwing is written with my etes closed and my head down. I have no idea what buttons I'm pushing only guessing and hoping that I get the right ones. I'm guessing my accuracy so far has been prety good, a positive oucome of spending so much of my life on the computer. I bet if someone walkedin right now it would look quite halarious actually. Me in bed, lying on top of two stacked pillows, my laptop in front of me, my fingers flying like mad across the keyboard, and my head fallen agains my arm. You know how it looks when people fall asleep reading a book? Well that's what I ilook like now, only my fingers are still working. Bleahg. if that made any sense at all, get to a hospital, somthing is probabl wrong with you too. *sigh* Still eyes closed, I'm starting to wonder how long this is. Oh man, that would really suck if I was just off by one key. so that everything I've written is just ginnerish. Heck, I bet a ton of words are totally illeigible because I'm not even going to go back and proofread this. I'm just going insane, that's all/ I guess this is what it's like to be blind... Now I'm going to purpoosely shift my hand over one key, and see what it looks like. \o ,oss jer ps ,igj rogjt mpw. ot's mpt evem gimmy/ \o wpi;f fibr smuyjomh yp drr jrt shsom/ Oh wow, that's a little nuts. Maybe I should get some sleep?

Nah.

I want to just spend some time with someone right now. Anyone really. Just spending time with people is so relaxing, I would give anything to just be able to talk to someone for a while right now. But that's not going to happen, everyone's probably asleep anyways. Once in a while Taryn comes over and we'll watch a movie. That's nice, because of course then we're both just toolazy to get up off the couch and go to sleep, so we end up talking until 1. That's what I could use right now. Gah, why must you bein in Saskatchewan Fergus? I'm disappointed in you.

Or maybe this is me having the drugs leave my system. I've been drug free for what, a week now? It's absolutely killing me. I would give anything for a fix right now, absolutely anything. It keeps me egoing, I'm totally dependent on mt drugs now, and it's likely not good for me at all. But the drugs are so addictive! I deal it too now, so I can see how quickly people get hooked. People come to me for their fix, and I'm all too happy to oblige. (Now read that again. Tech is my drug).

Ooh, I have a muscle! And a bone! And just LOOK at that fingernail...

Lollipop, lollipo, kikkuois,

Facebook!

Sorr, now I'm just being stupid. I'm bored of his, I need something new. I miss her, and I want to be less bored.



I'm scared.

We want crisps

Well, I'm just sitting in bed, in a very open and clean room, with absolutely nothing to do.

That's not true I guess, but there's nothing that I want to do...

On my iPod there's an application called "Tap Tap Revenge". It's pretty much just guitar hero for your fingers, and I'm practically addicted. One of the fun things that I like doing is playing online - I can play the songs against a few different people in real time, and see how I do in comparison to other people. Stupid probably, but hey, it's fun :P

I have another 7 minutes before the next song, and now I'm bored. It's 11:00, and I really should just go to sleep, but it's almost like I'm too bored to sleep. That and I'm still having a text conversation with M, and I just don't feel like cutting off quite yet. So we'll get my heart pumping with a few Tap Tap songs, and go from there. 6 more minutes. Let's go on facebook...

Light Show

I just feel like writing down how I work on light shows, and specifically, my light show for the grade 9 tours.

1: Visualization
I start by making a playlist of the one song that I will be using (August's Rhapsody), put it on repeat, shut off all the lights, and just listen. In the dark I imagine what the theatre looks like, and I see different lights turning on and off with the music. I see pulsating lights at one point, a flash here, spinning colours and so on. I know the technical limitations of the theatre through my past experience, and can visualize what things I'm capable of doing. I get general ideas of what each thematic section of the piece will look like, and silently conduct my invisible orchestra in the dark. I would be put away in a mental institute if anyone saw me during this step, I'm sure.

2: Write it down
I play the piece again, and quickly type what I've been thinking. This keeps me centered around my original idea. However, this is more just to help me lock into the ideas more than an actual reference, because once I get programming, it's all inside my head.

3: Data
Since everything I do has to do with time, I need to know how fast the piece goes. I find the bpm values of sections, and find out how many tenths of a second I'll use (the smallest value of time on the light board).

4: Randomly start
I don't like to waste much time, so I pretty much just dive right into programming. I start at the beginning, and work my way through to save some numerical hassle later on. Perhaps it's slower that way, but it works fine for me...

5: Get tired of blogging, leave it, then post it when bugged by a nagging reader lol

Something new

It's that time (day) of year again, where everyone finds a way to find a little bit more hope and happiness in their daily lives in the midst of overwhelming darkness. We celebrate Christmas, a cocktail mix of religious celebration, crass commercialism, and annual tradition, with such overwhelming gusto that we have to start in November just to fit it all in. I'm not complaining, I just think that people need to take a bit of a deeper look into why they even celebrate Christmas (something I won't be doing this evening).

As you have probably already noticed, I've pretty drastically changed the look of my blog, and I think I'll be sticking with it for a while. Really just a new look to keep me awake more than anything lol.

But now, I think it's time I did some Christmas greetings. Much the same as last year's, written way down in Phoenix. This year it's coming to you all the way from my bed. How lucky are you?

1 - To my most faithful reader, and one of my greatest friends, it's been another great year. I think if we mapped out the year, it'd be a nice simple tan graph (fitting, isn't it?) and I love where the equilibrium has put us. I don't tire of saying how much you've changed my life, and I hope we can stay friends for many, many years to come. I hope that the new year will find you love and happiness, peace and rest, and above all else, tech and gaff. I'm always going to be here for you, just as you have always been for me. Hope it's been a great Christmas for you, and get better soon! (Can't wait for Monday!)

2 - Another year of thinking alike greatly, and I must say...I just never got around to finishing this. Figures :P

Mellow

I guess it's just been a weird few days/weeks/months/terms...

Lots going on. I think I might just list them as they come to me.

• Recording today in the theatre went awesome. I mean, yeah I've done recordings before, but this just felt so..good. The result was way beyond anything I've ever made before, and I just can't stop listening to it, over and over and over again.
• I'm really having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Less than a week left until Christmas day, and I still haven't given any thought as to what to get my family for presents. Not that I have the money anyways...
• Well, I guess the unanimous result from my poll was pretty conclusive...now to just figure out when. So excited, you actually have no idea at all!
• I'm watching a number of my friends struggle to finish off those physics projects. I help in any way I can, and hey, I'm probably the fastest Google/Wiki searcher you'll find, but honestly, there's not much I can do.
• I definitely failed the math test today. I felt like total crap when I walked out of that room, it was NOT fun. I just couldn't do any of it.
• I sometimes feel bad about being so mean, but honestly, I've done my absolute best to cut the strings in a nice, humane, easy way, but you just keep insist on worming your way back into my life. I just can't handle it, so please, respect that I've asked you to stop.
• It's 11:11
• For some reason I always like to wish right now for that one very special thing.
• And no, it's not starbucks.
  
• I still need to reply to her e-mail, I just always procrastinate on these things, and I shouldn't.
• So, a car ride to the airport, plane ride to Vancouver, taxi or bus to the ferry dock, a ferry ride to the island, and then who knows what. Sucks that travel has to be so expensive. Definitely a limiting factor that I'm NOT looking forward to.
• My favourite picture of Jenna was used in an online magazine recently, I'm quite happy about it :) (The Epoch Times)
• I love piano music. I'm listening to some nice piano solo Christmas carols, and I couldn't ask for better music for the moment. Good fun.
• Tomorrow will be the last day. I'm so sad. I mean, 2 weeks without seeing so many people. And then no theatre? I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I simply don't have enough of a life outside of theatre to fill my time with.
• I'm addicted to Starbucks
• And now adrenalin I think. I realized that I like keeping the intensity going in everything I do, and that sometimes comes across as being angry or annoyed. It's more that I'm just sprinting through life and it looks like everyone else is just crawling. It annoys me when the rest of the world is slower than me.
• I love tech.
• I love a lot of things actually.
• And yet, I don't know if there is anyone outside my immediate family that I can honestly say I love. I know I've said it before, and yeah, I guess I did mean it. I love people as friends, there's no question about that. But romantic love? I don't know yet. Maybe it's waiting for me to arrive at the ferry dock? Maybe I'll be leaving it at the airport? Who knows where it is.
• Oooh, I have to pick colours for my room. I'm looking at a deep, dark red, and one wall in a red that's just a little lighter. Still not sure. Or maybe I liked the brown one? I don't remember.
• Should Alberta be nuclear powered? Hmm
• Oh Facebook, what would I do without you?

Ok, I should stop this now, reply to that e-mail, then get to bed.

Oh great, and I have a vocab quiz tomorrow that I still have to study for. Yay...

I'm a bit of a copy cat... (hehe, cat)

I read this on one of the blogs/photography websites I follow on a regular basis, and it kind of made me realize one of the reasons why I still can't think of anything that I would like for Christmas.

2008: I don't know what's in store, but I do know one thing: I am happy. I honestly don't want a single gift this year because I have everything that truly matters. A healthy family, a hopeful future, an amazing husband, fabulous friends, and the world's most adorable dog. I couldn't ask for more.

Full Post here

Should I go?

I guess I've said that I would, and it's not as if I'm not excited to, I just naturally question every decision I make now, because I'm so much more concerned about other people's opinions and feelings than my own. And that often leaves me in predicaments like these.

I've asked my parents, and they're supportive. I just need to find the money and time, and it'll happen. Problem is, I have hardly any of either.

What would happen once I'm there? Would it be awkward? Would I wish I had never come?

No.

I need to, because if I don't, I'll just get too comfortable with the Berlin Wall of internet, and never be able to fully know if there's any point to it.

A single message makes my day. To see words created by those hands fills me with a sense of joy, and I try to take time to simply focus on them and nothing else. It's a nice break to talk to someone who isn't prejudiced by my social circumstance or physical appearances. At the same time, it's a curse.

----

And yet while I have all those thoughts, I am constantly nagged by thoughts of...


...no, I can't write that. I'll think it instead. Oh dreams, where art thou?

Sick at home, and very very bored

1. Where is your cell phone? Sitting on my stomach, waiting for it's next message.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Don't think it could be called that yet.
3. Your hair? Boring and flat.
4. Work? School/Tech theatre
5. Your father? Working on putting new floors in our basement.
6. Your favorite thing? Tech and friends
7. Your dream last night? No idea, I hardly ever remember nowadays
8. Your favorite drink? Venti Vanilla Earl Grey Tea Misto
9. Your dream car? One that works? I could care less about cars
10. The room you’re in? Living room/temporary bedroom/furniture storage room
11. Your pet? World's greatest dog, Jenna
12. Your fears? Loss
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Technical Director, or something of that sort
14. Where did you hang out last night? In the chapel at church with all the other choir and orchestra people
15. What you’re not good at? Many things, like keeping my mouth shut when necessary
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex? Depends on the person
17. One of your wish list items? Laptop, plane ticket
18. Where you grew up? Calgary, aka, Brentwood
19. The last thing you did? Went to school to drop off the math project and find out what I would miss.
20. What are you wearing? Jeans, shirt, hoodie, blanket
21. what aren’t you wearing? A parka?
23. Your computer? Belongs to the school
24. Your life? Up and down
25. Your mood? Bored, annoyed
26. Missing? Health, certain people
27. Who are you thinking about right now? Anyone who has read my blog for the past few months would know.
28. Your car? Don't have one just yet
29. Your work? Again, school and tech
30. Your summer? Could have been better, and the beginning of something I hope will be great
31. Your relationship status? Wish I knew, it's iffy at the moment
32. Your favorite colour? Green and or Black
33. When is the last time you laughed? This morning when I messed up the days of Christmas
34. Last time you cried? Full out? Grade 5 I think
35. School? Should be canceled today
************************

MOUTHOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Major chain would be A&W
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? The KEG, Cheesecake
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it? Starbucks
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Meat of most types
What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter and grape jam
What is your favorite type of gum? Don't really have a favourite, but I like minty/cold gum. Fruity is nice too.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer? My French Horn
How many televisions are in your house? 2
Do you use a laptop or desktop? Laptop at the moment, but desktop from time to time too

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Do you like your smile? Nope
What’s your best feature? I don't really know. I like my eyes...
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, and lots of them
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Sight, but hearing is really good too
When was the last time you had a cavity? Few years ago
What is the heaviest item you lifted last? Not sure, probably sand bags in the theatre, or my backpack.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Not that I know of

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die? I think it would be helpful for the planning of the rest of my life, so yes
Is love for real? Absolutely. I just don't know if I've ever known it for sure
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't
What color do you think looks best on you? Black or dark brown
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Maybe, I don't recall
Have you ever saved someone’s life? On the spot, I don't think so, but maybe in other ways I have.
Has someone ever saved yours? Yes

DAREOLOGY

Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000? Unlikely
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Depends on who, but sure
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000? Not a chance
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Definitely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? No
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? I'd consider it
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Heck yes! I don't watch it as it is...


DUMBOLOGY

What is in your left pocket? My knife and random change
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Haven't seen it in a while, but I didn't really like it
Do you sit or stand in the shower? Who sits?
Could you live with roommates? I guess so, depends on the person/people
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? None
Where were you born? Kingston, Ontario
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Never have actually
What do you want to be when you grow up? See 13...

LASTOLOGY

Friend you talked to? Melissa via text
Last person you called? Ms. Fraser about the cast pictures being printed
Person you kissed? Apart from my family, never.
………………………………

When? N/A
Would you kiss that person again? N/A

FAVORITOLOGY

Number? Meh, I've never had one
Seasons? Summer

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone? Yes
Mood? Still bored
Listening to? My heater keeping me warm
Worrying about? Dress rehearsal today, and if I should go or not

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning? Bathroom, at about 2
What can you not wait to do? Do something other than lie in bed
What’s the last movie you saw? Just watched an old episode of House actually
Do you smile often? Depends
Are you a friendly person? I always try to be, yes

Good, the first half is over, now have some more fun:

1. Where is the boy/girl you like now? On an island, probably in her room
2. What were you doing Friday night? Watching Dark Knight with Taryn
3. Name something you did yesterday? Orchestra
4. Last person you text messaged? Melissa
5. Who was the last person to call you? Mr. Riegel, because the concert had been cancelled
6. What are you doing right now? Um, this quiz?
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? Who knows? Probably Ireland.
8. What color are your eyes? Blue
9. Are you allergic to anything? Not that I'm aware of
10. Are you dating the last person you kissed? Refer to Lastology
11. Last place you ordered food from? Cheesecake
12. Who was the last person you shared a dinner with? All the awesome techies at Cheesecake
13. What color is your hair? Plain-old brown
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Sure
15. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Refer to Lastology
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? Don't have many secrets
17. When was the last time you lied? Haha, in the last question
18. Do you like fire? It's pretty :)
19. Did you have a nap today? Sort of, I was half-awake for a few hours this morning
20. What is your favorite drink? Refer to question 8
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans, don't even own sweats
(The person I got this from cut out a bunch of questions...)
25. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing now? Old Navy
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? If I could teach tech theatre, sure

28. Is anyone jealous of you? Perhaps

30. Have any regrets? Definitely, though I try not to dwell on them
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? Same place I am now, in bed
32. Where were you 8 hours ago? Again, still in bed

35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Yes

37. Is cheating ever okay? No
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom, this morning
39. What are you looking forward to? Dress Rehearsal/going back to school

41. Have you kissed anyone in the past week? No! enough about the kissing, ok?

43. What are you listening to? Refer to Currentology

45. Favorite Sports Team? Could care less. Flames and Hitmen
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? Not sure yet
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, that hurts
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? Not sure yet
50. What woke you up this morning? Pain

52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Not a chance, band concert :(
53. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Once again, no

55. How many myspace accounts do you have? None
56. Do or did you like school? Some aspects of it, yes
56. Would you take a bullet for anyone? Yes
57. Where would you like to live? In the theatre
58. Do long distance relationships work? Oh I wish I knew...
59. Does your crush like you? Says she does, but now I'm wondering again
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In a theatre
61. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? No
62. Does a kiss make your cuts feel better? Not that I know of
63. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? Nada
64. Can you cook? Definitely
65. What shoe do you put on first, left or right? Depends, normally my left
66. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? No
67. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? Heck no
68. Have you ever thought about your death? Yeah
69. Whats your hair color? Refer to 13.
70. Where do you put your towel after taking a shower? On an old tripod that has become my towel rack
71. What color is your shower curtain? Plain white
72. Have you ever had stitches? Not that I know of
73. Are you straight? Yes
74. Did you believe that girls have cooties? Nope, I was never a part of that fad
75. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Not well
76. Can you finish the phrase, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants?

79. Who was the last person you couldn’t take your eyes off of? That's between my eyes and me
80. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No
81. Have you ever run over an animal? Nope
82. What is your favourite cereal? Haven't had cereal in months
83. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? Nope
84. Have you gotten a text today? Sure have
85. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Meh, go for it if you like
86. Where’s your favorite place to be? In the theatre of course

88. It’s Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Witness rehearsal
89. Who are the last four people to send you a text message? Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Brian

91. What are you listening to? Refer back to any of the repeats
92. Your christmas list consists of? Nothing at the moment
93. Your ex just asked you out and you say? I say I've worked so hard to finish things that I couldn't do it.
94. You’re going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? A map store
95. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Old Navy likely
96. How do you feel about your hair? Refer to question 3.
97. What time do you wake up for school? I didn't...hehehe
98. What movie is in your DVD player? Probably a House dvd
99. Last two numbers in your phone number? 44
100. Who calls you by a nickname? I think lots of people call me Gram, but I can't tell the difference anymore
101. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The top side
102. Do you like roller coasters? Been a while, but sure
103. Favorite T.V. show? House
104. Your last IM was from? Alex
105. Favorite Beverage? Again???? VVEGTM
106. When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone of the opposite sex? Who knows these things?
107. What do your pants look like? Jeans?
108. Are you tired? Of this quiz, yes
109. Do you have to pee? Nope
110. Would you kiss the cook of tonights dinner? Sure, she's my mom, why not?
111. Laugh much? Not as much as I'd like to
112. What are your plans for Saturday? Once again, nothing yet

114. Favorite sit down restaurant? Stop repeating yourself
115. Bubble gum flavor of choice? See above
116. What do you want to be when you grow up? See Above
117. The most excitement you had this week? What a boring week this has been...
118. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? Never been
119. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? Nope, never seen it
120. When was the last time you were up all night? Long time ago I think
121. Where is your favorite place? See above (The theatre)
122. Do you ever think about the price of gasoline? Not really
123. Do you sleep with a fan on? Wish I could, but can't
124. What’s the best thing about winter? The pretty snow
125. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? I try to from time to time, but many times it slips
126. How many states have you been to? 3 I think
127. Are you currently planning a trip? Yes, to Vancouver, assuming all goes as planned/hoped
128. Who was the last person you read something out loud to? Don't remember
129. Last time you forced yourself to do something? Today, to wake up
130. Have you ever googled your name and found somebody? I think so
140. Who’s your number one? The person before my number two
141. Can you drive? Sort of
142. What makes you feel like you are young again? Being the young person that I am
143. Do you ever type “kik” or “;p’;” instead of “lol”? um, sure?
144. Do you know how to play chess? Nope, not yet
145. Whats on your mind right now? Publishing this so I can go back to school

Last post for a while

I'm going to take a few days off blogging while I sort some things out, and get through these shows. I'm sorry if my posting so much has offended anyone in any way, it's just my way of thinking.

But something is wrong. With me.
I'm starting to realize that every time I talk to anyone through any sort of text format, be it e-mail, texts, facebook messages, or blogs, I can't help but feel like everyone is mad at me. Like I've done something so horribly wrong that the world is now punishing me for it. People who I would never dream would be so terribly angry suddenly come across as if they're accusing me of something.
I got a short e-mail from Ms. Fraser, and honestly, it was like she was reprimanding a problem student, and I know that she doesn't view me that way. But why am I suddenly thinking that everything is like that? Am I so tired that I am now believing that everyone is out to get me?

So can I just say that I'm sorry? I didn't realize it was this bad until now, and I want it to stop. I apologize with all of my heart if I've said things that are hurtful or accusing. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, because each and every person I know has done great things for me, and I don't want to repay it by pushing you away. I'm going to try to stay away from text communication for a few days, but I'd be more than happy to just talk in person, if you so desire.

Here we go again...

1. What should you be doing right now?
Likely going to bed, I said I would about 15 minutes ago...

2. Is there any particular reason you do these interviews?
Because they take time, it's something to put on my blog, and it gives me a chance to look at myself objectively in certain areas.

3. Do you like someone?
Yes, I do. I haven't seen her in months now, but I'm hoping to change that in a few weeks. I have no idea where it's going, but I can hope that it will lead to something, right?

4. Do they like you back?
They say they do, and I have no reason do doubt it in any way. I guess the only way to know for sure is to actually see her again.

5. Are you angry at someone?
I'm really trying not to be, because I know it's not going to help at all. And yet I just feel wronged in a way, and as much as that feels wrong and stupid, it's just how I'm feeling. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, because that's the least of my intentions, but something else is driving this car right now.

6. Are they angry at you?
I honestly couldn't tell you. They might be now, but I don't think they were mad first. I really wish I knew.

7. What's bugging you right now?
So many things. Mainly the shows taking over my life, and Christmas in general. I'm such a scrooge, but I honestly don't want to think about Christmas right now.

8. Would you change who you are if it would make someone accept you?
Not so much accept as much as just return. I would change anything to go back to the way things were.

9. What are you longing for the most?
Probably money, but also sleep and understanding.

10. What are you apprehensive about?
Asking my parents if I can fly to Vancouver alone to meet someone they don't know.

11. First thing on your left:
Rosco Gel swatch

12. First thing on your right:
Paperwork for college applications

13. One thing in your pocket:
Mini slotted screwdriver (fixing twist-lock plug)

14. Something flammable near you:
Box of 250 matches! Yay for flammable photography!

15. Last thing you had to drink:
Koala Springs pop

16. Last time you were outside:
About 2 hours ago, bringing laminate flooring inside

17. How many tabs/windows open in your browser?
11 tabs lol...maybe I should close a few

18. How many friends online?
4

19. How many texts today?
None :(

20. Last e-mail?
Right now, a Facebook message notification from Graeme, talking about what to get Witness secret santas...guess I should get working on that


How Many:
21: Facebook Friends?
317! W00t!

22: MSN Contacts?
Hahaha, 15

23: Cell Phone Contacts?
41, but 204 in my iPod

24: How many songs on your iPod/MP3?
2041

25: Texts in your inbox?
45 (default cleanup level)

26: E-mails in your inbox?
6711 lol, mostly from Facebook

27: Unread e-mails?
Zippo, I read them all

28: Voicemails?
None, I don't use the phone much at all

29: MSN Conversations going on right now?
Just the one with my main man Alex

30: Hours have you been awake?
14...that's about 4 too long at the moment


31. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Either a text message, a plane ticket, or a bag of Swedish Berries

32. One song that's stuck in your head
Haha, "Danny Boy" for some reason

33. Last thing you bought?
"Every Day is Exactly the Same" - NIN

34. What are you going to do tomorrow?
Attempt to sleep until around 7:30, get up, shower, go to classes, get the theatre ready to go in 3 hours, run shows, come home, complain about my life, sleep.

35. What time is it?
Exactly midnight. Definitely time for sleep...

36. If you knew you were going to die in exactly 24 hours, what would you do?
Well I wouldn't sleep, that's for sure! I'd do everything I could to make sure the shows still run smoothly, sort out all my differences, consider booking a flight to say goodbye (4 of my last hours well spent? I would hope so...) and just generally allow myself to leave well.

37. Why don't you do these things now?
Well, explanations then:
Shows: well, the only reason I'd have to work on it is because I wouldn't be there.
Differences: Can I just say I'm doing everything I can already?
Flight: In progress, just not in such a rushed manner
Leave well: Isn't that what we all want?

38. If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?
Oh wow, um, a toss up between two things. Either the distance between us so I wouldn't have to do the whole LDR thing and worry about booking flights, or to resolve whatever is going on between my friend and I, or at least to understand why it's ending so abruptly.

39. One wish for everyone in the world
That everyone would be able to see the long term consequences (both positive and negative) of their actions, before they make those decisions.

40. One picture that you find very meaningful/special/beautiful
I have a few (don't take that the wrong way), but the last one that really 'spoke' to me was on Post Secret:

Photo

Dystopia

the vision of a society that is the opposite of utopia. A dystopian society is one in which the conditions of life characterized by human misery, poverty, oppression, violence, disease, and/or pollution.
Could there be a better word for it?

---

Yes, I know I've changed. Heck, who hasn't? Does anything ever stay the same for a second anymore?

I don't know where to turn now. Do I give up or press on?

Oh somebody just shoot me. Please. There's nothing else here for me to live for now. If things really are just going to keep going downhill like they are, might as well quit while I'm still ahead, right?

I'm not going to say anything more until there's been time. Everyone's tired, and it's not going to make anything better if I complain about it rudely. I don't want this to happen, because I'm really not emotionally able to deal with it right now, but I can't make it worse by bugging you about it. I'm sorry, I just can help but feel like something has changed, and I don't like the updated version one bit.

cos[♥] = ?

Here I am, trying to study for my huge math midterm tomorrow, and I just feel like crap. It doesn't matter what I do, I am constantly lapsing into severe depression whenever I'm alone. I talk to my friends, but everything they say seems to come across as a reason for me to believe that they're going to leave me.

I'm so scared that this is going to have me end up losing my best friend. I hardly see him now because of rehearsals, and I just can't connect with him anymore. There's nothing that upsets me more. If I could just know that all it would take is for me to stop working on the shows to get things back to normal, I would. I just can't imagine losing that.

I'm so worried about this world. It's like a blanket, and the end is frayed. Someone is pulling on one of the fibers and everything is unraveling in front of me.

I think I need help. I'm so stressed out, and this hypochondria is really getting to me. Today I convinced myself that I have bipolar disorder. Sure, I might, but how can I know anymore?



I'm just spiraling down. This plane is speeding towards the ground in a huge inferno of flames. I can see the ground in front of me. I can count down the distance to the bottom; a measly 16 days. But how much longer will this plane hold out?

I can't stand this

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?

Want

You know what I want more than anything right now? To be able to tell
someone that I love them, without any danger of pushing them away. I
want to know who it is that I love, because honestly I have no idea. I
want someone to just come right up to me and make it easy for me. I
want there to be something more in my life.

I want to fall asleep every night dreaming of the one I love, not
lying awake wondering what I've done wrong. I want to look into the
eyes and see an entire world inside. I want to hug. I want to kiss. I
want to love.

I want to know. I don't want to be blind. I want to understand. I want
to start. I want to be happy.

I know who I like.
I want to know who I love.

.: iPod :.

Found another one!

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station:
Bottle of Coke, and probably 2 chocolate bars

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
Probably either a whale of some sort or an otter.

3. Who's your favorite redhead?
Ms. Frizzle/Mrs. Martin

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?
Never been, sorry.

5. Last book you read?
The manual for the theatre walkie-talkies? Last real book was "Blink".

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear
Can't say I actually pay much attention to them...

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
Last one I remember is when the mic stand pinched my skin. But I could be forgetting many things.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Well, someone who can swim would be nice

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Definitely a symphony. Unless it's something like TSO with amazing lights.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?
Haha, one of the default patterns that comes with the phone.

11. Soda?
Jones?

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
A Arcteryx black base-layer thingy

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Teleportation?

14. Most recent movie you've watched in theatres?
I think it was that one about the CIA agent...oh! Burn after reading.

15. Name an actor/actress you've had the hots for:
First one that comes to mind would be Amanda Bynes. But considering I actually had to go hunting for names on IMDb say something...

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?
SKOR cake!

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Soup I think, but I don't really remember. Am I forgetful or what?

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
iPod, 2 flashes, speaker, bear spray, candle, Starbucks mug again!, keyboard, moose head

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Typically not

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Another thing I can't remember

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
Nope

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Quite likely

23. When's the last time you had a sour gummy worms?
A while ago?

24. Whats your favorite fruit?
A toss up between peaches, strawberries (with chocolate!), and apples

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
Nope

26. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Nope

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Definitely, it's quite delicious

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Dark green (can't wait to get a new bed...)

29. What's your favorite flower?
I'm partial to the delicate beauty of the rose personally. Or maybe wild indian paintbrush.

30. Were you or are you in ballet?
Once actually, in grade 5 I think. Being the only guy SUCKED

31. Do you listen to classical music?
Yep

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
A what?

33. Do you watch Spongebob?
No, hate that show

34. Last food you ate?
Ice cream cake!

35. Do people consider you smart?
In general I'd say yes.

36. What time is it?
11:30PM exactly

37. Is your away message on?
No?

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Nope

39. What curse word do you use the most?
I definitely say "awe crap" a lot

40. Do you own an iPod?
Sure do! Broken iPod club all the way!

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?
I have 4. 6:20, 6:25, 6:45, and 7:30. Each one for a different 'type' of morning.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
I don't have a CD player. But Star Wars is playing on my iPod at the moment.

43. What movie do you know every line to?
Um, none at the moment?

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ranch

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Perhaps. Guess I'd have to meet them first.

46. How old will you be on your next birthday?
18! Isn't that exciting?

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
I definitely do, but I also definitely don't give them out as much as I want to.

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Today I think?

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
I think pretty much every single person who knows me calls me "Gram", but honestly, I don't even notice anymore. Heck, I learned to respond to "Greg" in under a week...

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?
Hmm, that would be interesting...
"Oh look! The Graham did tech for this show!"

I have 15 minutes

Let's see how fast I can do this one...

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Well, I really don't like getting phone calls, because it kills my phone. But if it were a text message...then I guess I would want it to be someone special, even though I know there is very little chance they know my number.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Always, I hate dis-ordered carts

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Depends on the setting, but more often a listener

4. Do you take compliments well?
I try to minimize them I guess, but it depends on who they're from.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
No, I have other things to consume my time

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
What kind of wilderness? I'm pretty sure I could...

7. Do you like to ride horses?
Why not?

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Sure did, but I don't have many memories of it

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Being a SPY!!!

12. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? Can I say it depends? No, actually, I think I wouldn't.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
Precise, Perfectionistic, Quiet

15. Do any songs make you cry?
There are a few that get close, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.
Wait, "Everyday", Rascal Flatts

16. Are you continuing your education?
Theatre Production!!! Woot!

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Theoretically, yes. Practically, no

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
At the moment, my tech binder, laptop, keepsake box and old teddy bear. Oh, and my starbucks of course!

19. How often do you read books?
Do manuals count?

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All three almost equally, but probably the present mainly

21. What is your favorite children's book?
It's really been a long while, can't say I remember

22. What color are your eyes?
Blue (wow, I definitely had to think about that one..)

23. How tall are you?
No idea. Taller than Melissa, that's all that matters :P

24. Where is your dream house located?
Right above the booth

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Nope, but I think that should go on my to-do list

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never?

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Doctors office way out by COP

32. Do you like mustard?
A hint of mustard is ok, but not too much please

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep. I can eat during rehearsals, but I can't sleep

34. Do you look like your mom or your dad?
Probably more like my mom

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
8.5 minutes + 1.5 to dry off = 10 minutes total (and almost exactly too)

36. Can you do the splits?
No, but I can LIMBO!

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Hmmm...Nothing comes to mind, I just wouldn't mind getting out and seeing a movie in general

39. What/who did you do for New Year's?
Same thing I've done for the past 10 years; hang out with two other awesome families, and have a wicked awesome time!

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Sorry, never seen it

42. Do you own a camera phone?
It's a phone, with a camera...yes.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
I doubt it

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
R

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Currently 6 or 6.5, depending on what is going on in the morning

48. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
First thing I do when I get in a car

52. Where do you sleep?
In my super tiny bed

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Well it's a big city, I'm sure stuff happens. We have a newspaper for a reason!

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
1. Pitiful, isn't it?

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope

56. Do you always read people's blogs?
If they permit me to, always

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Either or, but serious with a funny side is great

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Nope

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Sure did!

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I try to avoid them altogether...

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Buy off of iTunes, rip from the library

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Heck no!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Lately my lifestyle (ie, eating, sleeping)

65. Are you a gullible person?
I hope not?

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Not at all. But I think it would be a definite advantage in the happiness department

68. Are you easy to get along with?
I try to be

70. What is your favorite time of day?
3AM, when I'm totally awake, and everything is so completely silent. And it's snowing. And the street lights light up the entire house. I love that time of day/year

I've always felt like doing one of these...

81 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME UNTIL YOU READ THIS:

1, What color is your toothbrush?
Blue, white, silver

2, Name one person that made you smile today
Melissa when I poked her with a 1/4" to XLR converter :P

3, What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Programming lights for LPC, probably somewhere around LQ34

4, What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Writing e-mails to people involved in Musical Theatre shows

5, What is your favorite candy ?
Swedish Berries

6, Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope

7, What is the last thing you said aloud?
Hmm, I guess I didn't [have lunch today]

8, What is the best ice cream flavor?
Neopolitan

9, What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water (how boring is that?)

10, What is the longest you have gone without sleeping?
I'm thinking close to 20 hours.

11, Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
Yes

12, Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Hahahahaha

13, The last sporting event you watched?
Wow, can't even remember...

14, What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Popcorn flavour...?

15, Who is the last person you sent a message to on facebook?
Group "MT Directors" and "Techies"

16, Ever go camping?
Yep, can't wait to go again

17, Do you take vitamins daily?
Nope, but probably should be.

18, Do you go to church every Sunday?
Indeed, sometimes even a few times a weekend!

19,Do you have a tan?
The booth does not really assist in tanning all that much

20, Do you like Chinese food over pizza?
Not usually, no

21, Do you drink your soda with a straw?
I prefer not to

22, What did your last text message say?
"Thank you so much ill explain the reason tomorrow"

23, What are you doing tomorrow?
Oh god, you don't want the whole list...band, school, idol, school, rehearsal

24, Where is your dad?
Who knows? Haven't seen him in 2 days now

25, Look to your left, what do you see?
Starbucks! (Well, an empty Christmas Starbucks mug)

26, What color is your watch?
Invisible!

27,What do you think of when you hear Australia?
I see a face. Don't know whose

28, What is your birthstone?
Topaz

29, Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Well considering I can't drive...

30, What is your favorite number?
Right now, probably 27 and 44. They are very pretty when on at the same time.

31, Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
It's been a LONG while...

32, Any plans today?
Finish this thing, English homework, sleep

34, Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
The fact that there are only 24 hours in a day

35, Last song listened to?
Currently "Red and Black" from the Les Miserables Broadway Soundtrack

36,Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I'm sure I could if someone pointed a gun at my face

37, Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Nope

38, Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
1 Pair does me just fine thanks

39, Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes

40, Is anyone jealous of you?
I think so

41, Do you love anyone?
I wish I could say for sure

42, Do any of your friends have children?
Yep

43, What do you usually do during the day?
Tech, that's about it

44, Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Hate, no. Greatly dislike, yes.

45, Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Of course, who doesn't?

46, What color is your car?
Another invisible paint job!

47, Do you like cats?
Better be careful how I answer this one...yes?

49, Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Nope

50, How did you get your worst scar?
Disturbingly-sized scar free!

51, Last cigarette?
Never had one thanks

52, last CD played?
Don't listen to CD's persay, but last album was the Sweeney Todd movie soundtrack

53, last BUBBLE bath?
Oh my...that was a LONG time ago

54, last time you cried?
5 years ago

54, last meal?
Ice Cream and Raspberries?

55, have you ever dated someone twice?
No

56, have you ever kissed someone & regreted it?:
*Sigh* no

57, have you ever fallen in love?
But of course

58, you ever lost someone?
Indeed

59, have you ever slept until 1pm?:
I wish...

60, Have you ever been drunk and threw up ?
Nope

61, list FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to –
Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Jenna, Brennan

62, list THREE favorite colors/shades —
Dark Green, Black, Steel Blue

63, Laughed until you cried:
Not sure, maybe today?

64, Went behind your parents back:
Rarely, but yes

65, Your last kiss?
*Sigh* No Comment

66, Gay Marriage?
I *should* be against it, but I'm really of no opinion on the matter

67, Lowering the drinking age?
How about raising?

68, Straight, Gay, or Bi?
Straight

69, Who are the best huggers that you know?
Don't get enough hugs to know

70, Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lately, I'm thinking so

71. Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yes, but I can't because of other things I've said, and suddenly it's all getting too complicated...gah

72, What brand of shirt are you wearing?
Old Navy

73, Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
No Comment

74, How many kids do you want to have?
Haven't given it much thought. Two perhaps?

75, Do you want to change your name?
I'm quite happy with it actually

76, Last time you saw your father?
Like I said, about 2 days ago

77, What time did you wake up today?
Well, first time was 3:15AM, then I actually woke up at 6:25AM

76, how old are you?
17

79, What were you doing at midnight last night:
Tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep

80, What is your favorite thing in your room?
This laptop

81, Where is your best friend right now?
One is surfing the internet in their room, the other is either in bed or doing chem homework.

Grief

Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what we know has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen.

Complaining

Sorry, I guess I've been complaining a lot more than usual lately. It seems that since I'm so tired from all my tech that it leaks into every other facet of my life and taints it.

But really, truly, I am happy.

But I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone wants. Myself included. I'm confused about everything and everyone. And truly, I'm not happy with who I am. Or maybe I'm just not happy with my outward appearance? I need to be happy. What is it that's going to make me truly happy again? Will it come on a plane? Is it already here? Have I been blind?

I wish I knew these things.

Schizophrenia

Have I blogged about this before? I'm too lazy to go back and check...

We're watching "A beautiful mind" in psychology, and the main character suffers from schizophrenia. And honestly, watching psychology movies is really starting to get to me...

I mean, as soon as I walked out of the class, I went right to the drama room, and started working like crazy on an outline of when all the musical theatre rehearsals are so that my techies can know when they'd need to come in. And I swear, I really think my mind started to act like it thinks a schizophrenic would. I can't describe what that was like, but it just felt weird and cheap. I don't get it.


And then of course comes the matter of hat to do with my life. So many paths to choose from, and I just can't figure out which one would be best for me. I'm really starting to worry about if everything I had previously hoped to find in her may in fact be an illusion; that she has somehow changed her mind, and now I'm only chasing her shadow. I look for meaning in all the wrong places -messages, statuses, comments, pictures...it's stupid, but it's all I have. If I'm paranoid, I have something to believe in.

And sure, there are plenty of other relationships I could pursue, but I just don't know which ones are open to that and which ones aren't. Another Shakespeare analog; we're still reading "King Lear", and at one point, one of the men says, "It is better to be openly despised than to be given the impression of being liked while still being despised." And really, it's the same thing in this situation. I would rather just know 100% for sure who likes me and who hates me, and I could move on so much easier with that in mind. But people today just aren't like that, are they?

Gah, and now I feel like I'm falling away from one of my very best friends. What is happening to cause all this? We haven't 'talked' for nearly a week now, and it's really starting to bug me. Curse you musical theatre shows! You have ruined my social life!
I couldn't bear to lose you A, you need to know that. Can't you just tell me what's going on? Is there nothing I can do to help? Why aren't we talking right now?

And then of course there's you, probably the only thing that's actually keeping me somewhat sane at this point...what would I do without you? Thanks for so much today, I really owe you huge right now. It means a lot :)

*sigh*
I actually feel like I could sleep right through the night right now, and everything would be great! But no, I still have a whole scene of King Lear to read, plus studying for a math quiz and e-mails and programming and paperwork and blah blah blah...I need a life...


If I'm paranoid, at least I have something to believe in...

Drunk 16

I am completely and utterly disgusted.

I was looking at pictures on facebook, and came across an album from a "Sweet Sixteen <3" party. First photo in the album: "Look how much alcohol we're allowed to have!" I just find is so gross. You're sixteen, and suddenly you've got 2 bottles of vodka, plenty more that I don't even recognize, about 50 plastic shot glasses? I'm sorry, but I just totally lost all respect for everyone one of the grade 11's who attended that party. I mean really, this is why teenagers get a bad rap from the older generation. A number of people our age go and get totally wasted, post numerous (and might I add, of very poor quality) pictures of their exploits for all the world to comment on, and that's what the world sees. I just don't understand this culture that I'm living in.

Mumble

Bleah, soooo bored.

Tonight was good, and then it crapped.

Went to my grandparents house for some pizza, then watched Wall-E (pretty good movie, but I think I've seen better). Of course, then I decide that I'm going to drive home, and my dad sits in the passenger seat.

Gah.

I just can't stand having him telling me to do things constantly. "Turn on your headlights" (which were already on). There's just something about him sitting there beside me that makes me so...grr.

Anyways, enough of that, we should both get some sleep methinks.

Wait!

I still have to program Voulez Vous!

Sleep can wait :P

Diganosis

You know what's funny?

Lately in psychology we've been studying abnormal psychology, things like multiple personality disorder. And one thing I've noticed is that I am starting to somewhat convince myself that I have these disorders.

Now, that could be called hypochondria, though not quite as severe.

However, I found a much closer diagnosis. "Medical Students' Disease".

And isn't that ironic? That I'm diagnosing myself with a condition whose symptoms are incorrect diagnosis?


I really am going insane...

I can't believe this

It always seems to come to this. To the point where I'm lying awake in
bed trying to figure you out. And all I do is make things worse.

I know you like someone. I know that no one has told me who yet. I
just need closure. I need to eliminate all the open-ended routes in my
life so that I can just be happy with where I am. I honestly hate
asking, because I feel self centered, and that I'm forcing myself on
others.

I have no definite proof to guide me, just a whole lot of annoying
clues that may or may not in fact be clues.

As a group, we've discussed things such as understanding of the sexes,
and which should ask the other out. Personally, in this case (if there
is a case at all), I think the female should initiate things.

Blah blah blah, I'm really not getting anywhere. Someone clarify this
for me. Please.

.: iPod :.

?

Am I an idiot to think that there could be anyone out there that likes me as more than a friend?
Am I insane to think that you think about me?
Am I stupid to even think about you?
Am I intrusive if I want to know if you're talking about me?
Am I annoying if I am who I am?
Am I doing this to you?
Am I missing every clue that has passed my way?
Am I the usual me?

I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know your intentions.
I don't know who you like.
I don't know what you think.
I don't know if I should like you.
I don't know if this is just a silly thought.
I don't know if I should ask.
I don't know what to say.

I've promised to be a friend.
I've promised to love.
I've promised to visit.
I've promised to be true.

I've failed in being kind.
I've failed at keeping your trust.
I've failed you.
I've failed myself.

I think about you more and more.
I think about you when you sign in.
I think about you when I see you.
I think about you.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it.
The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
The more I think about it, the more I see wrong with it.
The more I think about it, the more I think of you.

I could be wrong.
I could be right.
I could be your friend.
I could be your lover.
I could smile as I do.
I could smile more.
I could be confused.
I could share it with you.
I could be stressed.
I could relax.
I could be content.
I could be happy.
I could be silent.
I could ask.
I could be wrong.

I could be right.

Who?

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Self-Assessment

So today/yesterday/the 15th was my birthday, and I just wanted to do a bit of thinking before heading off to bed.
Overall, not a bad day. The first half really wasn't that great, seeing as I basically just got up, went and had family pictures taken, then got dropped off at the Jubilee. Strike was good, but I was just so tired that I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted. Then a short ride home, and a brief bit of grocery shopping before going to Lauren's.
From there, things got a whole lot better. I mean, I arrive, we go to Montana's, we all talk and joke around for half an hour, eat some really great food, drive back, and hang out with the greatest group of people I could ask for. I just had so much fun.
Now, I do feel really bad that I was as tired as I was at the end. I haven't been sleeping well, but I really hope that I didn't bother anyone by being so tired... Haha, and then people kept saying I would "make a great drunk". Well, I think the one flaw with that idea is that in order for me to be drunk, I kind of have to drink...and at this point, I'm thinking it's not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry if that spoils your entertainment. But really, I hate not having control of who I am. When I'm as tired as I was, I become someone else, and that bugs me. I don't ever like losing control of who I am, but I really started to tonight. Ah well...

I guess that's about it. I'm 17 now. It doesn't mean a thing to me though. 17 is just another number, and honestly, it means very little to me. What counts is the people who I have in my life; the people I can just relax and enjoy myself with. That's what makes it special.

Thank you for that, I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time.

Hard to believe

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.


Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...

6 Lane Highway

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

c90n93n96afrs24

So I've been programming lights on and off for about 3 hours now, and it's starting to make my head hurt. So many cues, so many lights to memorize.

c3n7n22n23n28t30a75rq1i1
= Channel 3 and 7 and 22 and 23 and 28 thru 30 at 75% record cue 1 upfade time 1
= SR Wash @ 75, fading over 1 second

Much as I love it, I can't believe there's less than a month now until these shows go up. I'm so far behind...

White water rafting

For a few days at least, I was totally sure I knew what I wanted, and
nothing was going to get in my way. But then you sat a little closer,
smiled a little more, and it all flew out the window. Now I'm stuck
with too many choices; all desirable in their own way, yes, but still
more than I care to comprehend. If i've been ignoring you all this
time, I'm sorry.

.: iPod :.

My week...yay!

Sunday
Church
Tech paperwork/Programming
Orchestra

Monday
My one day off so far...

Tuesday
Amazingly Awesome Techieness! (aka, t-shirts!)

Wednesday
Mamma Mia! Lights Run-through
Coffee House Concert
Faust

Thursday
Band Practice
Driving Lesson
Able Making
Orchestra

Friday
I know there's something...but WHAT???

Saturday
Jubilee Strike
Party!

J

You know, this whole experience has been a great trial of my patience and ability to be happy. I’m really starting to see where my weaknesses lie, and what I need to fix so as to not affect negatively those around me.

I’ve decided to stop counting the days it’s been. Knowing a number isn’t going to change a single thing, so why bother? Does a number of days quantify my longing for you? Does it make things better? 80 days is really no different from 90 or 100 days, so why do I need to worry about one more? In the end, I’m simply going to miss you all the greater, regardless of how time passes. Perhaps I miss you as much as I did on the first day, perhaps more, and maybe even less. But does it matter? I still miss you with all my heart; the past is gone, and all I want to think about is the present and future.

For my birthday, I think there is only one thing I want. You can probably guess what that is. Sure I hardly have time for anything anymore, but this is one thing I would MAKE time for. To see you again, with fresh knowledge of how I look in your eyes would be simply the greatest thing. To look at you, to see your mouth articulate the words that I have only been able to read on a screen for so long would be a miracle beyond description.

“Nothing almost sees miracles, but misery”
- William Shakespeare, King Lear

For those of you who aren’t totally in love with Shakespeare, what is being said is that when faced with misery, even the smallest and most insignificant things can be seen as miracles.

To see your smile, hear your laugh, watch you talk; they are such small things that you would hardly take notice – until you lose them. To touch your arm, look in your eyes, feel your warmth; those are miracles.

I sometimes feel as if I am being disloyal to the one I love, giving thought to how others view me instead of simply being happy with your acceptance. But you’ve said yourself, multiple times, that you are not ‘involved’ with anyone at the moment. Well, define involved! Are you just as unsure about this road as I am?

And then, do I really love you? Can I truthfully say it? I’ve said it once before, and perhaps that was the reason that it didn’t last? I will likely never know truly what caused it, nor do I think there is really an answer. But I still stumble when I think about truly loving someone. At the time, I meant it with all my heart, even if my definition of love was incorrect. But now I can’t help but wonder if I have perhaps too quickly jumped to the conclusion of ‘love’?

Our adult counterparts often belittle youthful relationships as not being serious, viewing them as “puppy love”, and do not give them the full appreciation I believe they deserve. If we are truly not loving now, when will we truly learn what love is? Is there some magic time when a false feeling of love turns into something real? Does the love fairy come and visit adolescents in the night, bestowing upon them feelings of love?

Am I being silly in wanting to go visit someone I don’t know extremely well? To want to book a flight out to Vancouver Island to see someone who I as of yet can’t say I’m in love with? Will I be viewed as the romantic fool who threw away his life for love? Or will people look upon it as being a wise choice, putting love as the number one priority?

I have very few pictures of you. And as much as I don’t want to be a creeper, I try and stay connected to your life in the only way I can – Facebook. Yes, I found the most amazing picture of you, and I now carry it with me everywhere I go, and will happily show it to those who truly desire to see what I am so fascinated by. Those eyes…a miracle.

A promise – I said that I will come and visit you. I said that I will give you a hug on sight. That is all I desire.

I mentioned in one of my e-mails that I see your face everywhere. And that’s not a lie by any means. I see someone with a sweater like you have, I see someone with short hair, I see someone wearing a turk’s head. And my heart just leaps for joy, believing that she has at last come to make my life complete. But alas, it is never you. I long to see your face in all it’s living, non-photographic glory, but will that ever happen?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy, when skies are grey,

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you,

So please don’t take, my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, while I was sleeping,

I dreamt I held you in my arms,

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,

So I hung, my head, and I cried…”

And I really did dream of you. I never dream, and then suddenly, out of the blue, there you are. Right in front of me. Sure the dream was full of symbolism that I still have not been able to figure out, but it was the greatest dream I have ever had. Why? I got to kiss you.

I continue to miss you more than words can describe. I wake up in the morning, and I look at a picture of you, and it is the highlight of my day. To see you smile is a miracle I shall never forget.

Your eyes like great jewels radiating beauty,

Evermore shall glow within my soul,

Warming the very core of this hollow shell,

Until it is but a shimmering pool of love.

(Weak attempt at Shakespearian poetry...)

A, I’m sorry if you don’t like a specific physical attribute of hers, but please, kindly keep it to yourself. I just find it a little rude, ok? Thanks.

I was watching Faust last night, and there was a single scene that really got to me. I didn’t get to see all of it, though I really hope to see it in full soon, because it was just such a beautiful love scene that I wanted to cry. I am consistently amazed at how there are people who can so accurately put into words just how love feels, and this is yet another beautiful example. (We simply MUST go, or else)

You said you liked me. I said I liked you. Now what?

O how my heart longs to hear it’s love’s song…

Cos(life)

You know, there are times when I really don't know what to think anymore. It's nothing new that my mind jumps to conclusions way more often than it needs to, but I don't know, maybe once in a while it's right?

I've been trying to make it totally clear that I want nothing more than what we have right now. I do everything I can to keep it from looking like anything else, but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough. My emotions are basically a cosine graph; up and down, up and down, up and down. In fact, a lot of things about my life are parallelled by the cosine graph.

My longing for her? y= 0.5cosx+0.45
My energy? y= 3cosx-1
My overall happiness? y= 2cos(2x)
My paranoia? y= 0.1cosx+10

*sigh*

I guess right now, I'm realizing that I had a dream. And that dream will never come to fruition, and I've accepted that. But somehow, I see that exact dream being fulfilled in someone else's life, to such a high degree of accuracy, it doesn't matter if it's all a stupid scrap of paranoia, it's slowly tearing of a piece of my heart.
A while ago, I dreamt of how my life could look, and how it would all work out perfectly. Of course, the one little detail that was needed to put it all together decided not to show up for roll call, and it never happened. Time passed, and I was pretty much able to put it behind me. But then I see the thing that I wanted so badly starting to happen right in front of my eyes, and it's tearing me in two. (Then again, I could be seeing things, which wouldn't be too far off base).
One part of me couldn't be happier, seeing great people who deserve great things.
Then the other part loathes the happiness, and thinks that no one but Graham should be happy. I hate that part of myself, and I suppress it as much as I possibly can, but I'm sorry, it's not easy at all.

I really just wish you could fill in the blanks, I'm going crazy trying to guess at the answers.

:(