.: 12 :.

.: 11 :.

.: 10 :.

One is the loneliest number...

"Every Day"

Requiem for a Dream

Before I delve into the deep stuff, this one song is just one of my favorites lately. Many people consider it to be the epic song, and if you've heard it, you'll know why. Just a really nice piece of music, that's all.

However, there is something more to it.

Requiem for a Dream

A requiem is a mass written for the dead. A solemn chant for the repose of the dead. Something that resembles such a solemn chant. A musical composition in honor of the dead. Lot's of definitions.

But for a dream?

Yeah.

A beautiful and solemn chant written to honor a dream progressing towards death.

"I have a dream, A song to sing. To help me cope, with anything..."

You see, I like to make random connections to my life. I have a few dreams about where I want my life to go. I don't want this to be my song. And yet in only 20 hours that I've had it, I've listened to it non-stop. I can't stop.

Right now, I'm working really hard to write a letter that will drastically change the course of my life, and what I choose to do with the rest of it. Of course, it all depends on the answer, but if it's the answer that I seem to want, then who knows what my life is going to look like? Will I still be living in Calgary when I graduate? Or will I leave it all behind to chase this dream? If no, will I be able to revert back to my normal self? To pretend I never had those thoughts?

Do I want to spend all my savings for a few flights to BC? Or should I just block it out of my head and pretend it never happened, dreaming of the things that come easier?

This dream feels so good, so right, so wonderful. I take it with me every day, every minute. I cannot stop thinking about how I want to live that dream. Yet I can't shake the feeling that there's no sense wasting my time on something so stupid and difficult.


Requiem for my dreams.

*Play*

.: 9 :.

Hiking in Paradise ValleySo on August 16th, at about 10:00PM, our neighbours asked us if we wanted to go over for a 'camp-out' in their back yard. Seeing as it was so nice out, I decided to go. Let me tell you, sleeping out in the open with just your sleeping bag and pillow is an amazing experience. Even with all the light pollution in Calgary, the stars are brilliant, and the moon is a beautiful white orb. The clouds slowly drift by, highlighted by the moon behind it, accented with red from the streetlamps below.From there, we woke up around 8, and were told we were going hiking right away. Hour and a half later, we're in the parking lot for the Paradise Valley trail. From there, it's 6.7km to Lake Annete (or is it Anette?), where we stopped for lunch. Another 4km brought us to the Giant Steps, an amazingly beautiful series of waterfalls (below)

So that was 4 hours of hiking. At this point, some clouds started to move in, bringing a half hour rain storm. Pretty refreshing actually. Unfortunately, the trail we were expecting to take (which would take us on a loop of the valley, rather than back-tracking) was closed, so we had to take the longer route of going all the way back where we came from. All in all, it was a 21km hike, taking us about 6 hours I think. Then it was into Banff for some dinner at Earls (Chicken clubhouse sandwich, no tomato) and then ice cream at Cows (Gooey Mooey and Don Cherry). Hour and a half later, we're back in Calgary.

And so now, if anyone is interested, I want to do that hike again sometime. But this time, it's going to be a photography hike. I want to take a girl up, and take pictures of her in a really nice, big dress (a.la. wedding or something). Don't ask me why, but I just think that they would pair up so well. Double the beauty in a single shot. That and just some nice portraiture on the mountain. Nothing makes for a better profile pic (in my opinion) than a background of the rugged Rocky Mountains.

Peace, and good night :)

&

Plans

I really wish they could be made quickly and easily. I finally am sure that I will be coming home Friday, which is great!

Problem: I don't know if I'm going to be coming back. And I really want to, because there will be other people here if we do. Not like now, when the only person my age I can talk to is myself. It sucks though, seeing as we just had a fight, and so it's a little difficult to have a normal conversation with myself...

-----

Red Right Returning
Pirates Don't Try To Make Amends
To Best Determine Motor Vessel Speed
No Dumb Men Have Sail Powered Planes
T V Makes Dumb Children
60D ST
Red Fish

-----

If you're one of the very few who know my situation and were there to witness it, please let me know what you think. I only have two very biased eyes.

Yes, I'm random

August 8/9th, random iPod entries


"I'm shakin' my fist in the dark, and I'm asking why, why, why, why?"

-----

I'm starting to wonder if I have any readers now. I mean, really, unless someone brings it up in conversation, I get no feedback on it at all.

-----

Ok, so to give me some greater privacy and space, I have moved into a tent on our cabin yard. And directly above me, on the outside of the mesh ceiling vent, is a little frog. Like, how cool is that? Talk about random. (I hope he eats all those noisy mosquitoes...)

-----

Here I sit in a chair at our cabin on Shuswap lake, bored out of my mind. I is rainy and miserable outside, making me feel miserable too. I have my music to listen to, but not a whole lot else. I think what I'll do next is write a song. I had a start of an idea last night, so maybe I'll be able to remember some of it.

-----

Things for me to look into:
-August Rush soundtrack
-Music by U2
-Powers of ten YouTube
-Music made from sounds in XP YouTube
-Walking on Sunshine
-Golden Compass
-Barrage
-Pine Nuts
-Watchmen (film)
-DekePod
-Toothbrush!!!
-Departures (tv show on OLN)
- [] to be (check box)
-Put some cash on iTunes account for movies (Oceans 11, Minority Report)
-A rider is doing well when he's looking ahead, and about to tire out when he's looking at the pavement right in front of him.
-Foam for Pelican
-Memory card from dads camera
-Emma Trelevan
-Here comes the sun
-Portrait Lens. 100mm?
-Photographymentor.com
-audiblepodcast.com/twip - free ebook

Where to begin?

I'm really starting to wonder who I am now. I can't count on anything to be the same, nor can I cound on myself to deal with the changes. I'm second guessing myself about every decision I make, which keeps me from doing anything really...

Of anything in the world, it's my friends I want to value the most. In all honesty, I take my family and beliefs for granted, because I have always had them. Not so for friends. I care about you more than anything, and honestly, I would do anything for you. I've mentioned a few times that you can (and should) text me any time, day or night. I would gladly talk to you at three in the morning, even go find coffee somewhere if you wanted. There is nothing more important in my life than you.

More than ever, I feel like I've really messed up. All it takes is one little thing, and I'm way off the edge. Talking openly to my friends is one of the few things that can calm me down.

For example, I went sailing for ten days, as you have obviously heard. The night before I left, I felt like I should make a special point of saying goodbye to my closest friends. A was on MSN, so I said bye to him, but M was not. I sent her a text message saying goodbye, and also just checking that everything was going well. So I guess I was more than a little disappointed when I still hadn't received a reply the next day. Of course, I had already warned that my phone would be off for the duration of the trip, so it was my fault really. Either way, it left me feeling like a friendship was being threatened, and I snapped. When I returned to our cabin, I wrote about my trip and all, but in my final paragraph, concluded with the statement, "maybe I got my revenge though, because for once, I hardly thought about you."

Someone slap me already!!!

I didn't mean it, I wrote while I was angry, and I am so sorry. I did think about you specifically, and I really wish you could have been there. You would have loved it. All it took was for me to just have some time talking to friends, and I completely forgot about the whole thing. Now I feel like a jerk all over again. I am so sorry, and I really don't want this to become a habit...

Another major life change that took place on the boat was that I got to see Jenny again. A very wise person noted that a lot can change in a year. A lot does. And yet, thankfully there are things that also stay the same. This was one instance of that. I really don't know if there are words that can adequately express my feelings of grief and loss now that we are thousands of miles apart. I had to constantly remind myself of this in order to keep myself from taking actions that would undoubtedly hurt me in the near future. Yet whenever we sang that happy refrain of,
"I would walk 500 miles,
And I would walk 500 more,
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door..."
I found that something in me wasn't just singing the words, but that I was actually singing them to her, with complete and utter honesty. Now the memories are fading like a sunset, and no matter how many pictures I take, it will never be quite like being there.


And now I'm at Shuswap, disconnected from all those I miss the most, and entering the uncomfortable spiral of self-pity that is going to kill me one of these days. If there were a viable way for me to come home right this instant, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. I want nothing more than to give you a hug, and to just have, at the very least, a day to hang out with my very best friends. If you feel so inclined, the sound of an incoming text is music to my ears. Other than that, I'll just continue sitting in this tent, longing for the day that I come home.

Writing in the wind

For those of you who are still unaware of it, I am currently writing to you from our cabin at Shuswap Lake. I returned from sailing on the 4th after a long day of travel, and will likely be coming home to Calgary on Wednesday the 13th.

At this very moment, a pretty interesting storm is coming in. The flag is full out, the boat is tugging at the anchor as hard as it can, and huge white-caps are all over the place. We are expecting thundershowers today and tomorrow, so I have a pretty good feeling that I'll be seeing more of this in the next few hours.

Now I'm stuck on what to write next. I find it interesting that even though the wind is blowing like crazy right into my face, I'm hardly cold at all. A few weeks ago, weather like this would have me bundled up and inside as quick as possible. Now I'm outside in shorts and a t-shirt, hardly feeling the wind at all. When I walk across the beach of rocks by our dock, I no longer feel the sharp rocks, I hardly notice it any more. It's interesting how the body adapts so quickly to it's surroundings to make your life easier, more efficient, and more enjoyable. If you've ever looked at the hands of a wood-carver, they are calloused and rough from their work. It's like they have their own kind of built in gloves that harden their hands to protect them. What causes the body to do this? Is it some sort of micro-micro-evolution?

In the same way, our body adapts long-term to surroundings. If I remember reading correctly, we have eyelashes to prevent dirt from entering our eyes during sandstorms and the like. Would the human body have developed those if there were no need for them?

Of course, then we have to go into the discussion of evolutionism vs. creationism, something I'm not particularly wanting to argue, and therefore I won't.

I just think it's so cool though how our bodies, without any conscious effort, make these adaptations. And so if it does it physically, does it not make sense that our bodies adapt in small ways mentally? It certainly makes sense that they would. Logic is a good example of it. Imagine if you had no logic, only memory. Math would become grotesque! Simple addition would mean the memorization of every combination of numbers, would it not? Memorize 2+2, but what about 2+3? It would be something else to memorize. Instead, logic does it much faster; 2+2 is 4, 3 is greater than 2, so 2+3 is 5.

Or maybe I'm way off base with these arguments. You decide.

One thing I am sure about is that our world would fall apart, literally, if friction were to suddenly disappear. Friction holds our world together. Nails would be easy to pull out, cars would have little or no grip on the road, and you wouldn't be able to stand up in the way that you do. I am of the opinion that if we suddenly lost all friction, our world would quickly collapse. Thank goodness for constants.

Anyways, I've jabbered on for a good long while already. I wasn't really planning on writing anyways, I just did for the sake of it (I'm actually really bored of Shuswap, seeing as I have no one to occupy my time with...)

So have a great day/night, don't forget to cheer Team Canada, and talk to me!

&

Must Muse

Hello blank page.
Hello undeveloped thoughts.
Hello dial-up.
Hello clouds.

Goodbye night.
Goodbye sailing memories.
Goodbye friends.
Goodbye zero play-count.

Greeting dear friend.
Farewell acquaintance.
Good morning lover.
Good night enemy.

Conversations with you start with "hey", and end with "you too". How many more will there be?

I have my own hope in life now. I've seen beyond the veil. I am no longer constrained by emotions. I have my own life to live now.

How many tries does it take to get it right? What is 'right'? Why do I still dwell on this?

Twice now I've been so close to having it, but something keeps it from me. Thing is, it's the challenge that seems to drive me. I know it's out there, a few times over even. And if this is just practice, can't it at least be enjoyable? I guess I'm just still eeved that I didn't do anything more to pursue it. Apparently it was visible enough to other people (what's the use of concealing it?) but how can you know unless you're completely clear about it? I guess I could have told her, but there are two major downsides:

1) If she said no, that would be a bit awkward for the rest of the trip, don't you think?

2) If she returned the feelings, sure it would be great for the rest of the trip, but what happens when we get off? I don't even want to know what the distance is between Vancouver island and Calgary...

.: 8 :.

An amazing day under sail. Absolutely flying through the water at 7.7kts, with a beautiful blue sky. You feel alive.

Come what may

There is no specific reason that I am writing this post, but I kind of want to do an update on my life at the moment, particularly for those of you who have fallen a little behind.

Now that I've returned from my sailing trip, I know that I can say that my life has greatly changed. I am a completely different person now. I have changed who I devote my thoughts to, what I spend my time doing, even what I drink. And yet, maybe I haven't changed at all. Maybe what really happened is that I have disposed of my mask, and am now living as the person that I have always been.

On the Swift, I met 37 people when I got on. Yes, I knew 9 or 10 already, but what continues to astonish me is that every single person on that ship became m family. I love each and every one of them. Living together with people in the way we did, the closest community you can imagine formed. Imagine that you are walking down the street one day, surrounded by people. You start singing "Heel ya hoy, boys.... Let 'er go, boys...." (Mingulay boat song), and within seconds, every other person around you has joined in. That sort of thing blows me away.

I'll cut to the chase on this one point. She was on the boat. I felt it once, a year ago when I was sailing, but dismissed it because of distance. Now it's happened again, and this time it's not going away so easy. I guess it just felt right, sitting there beside her.

"And there's no mountain too hight, no river too wide,
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side..."

But now thousands of miles of ocean, mountain, and foothills separate us. I honestly don't think I could handle long distance. If she were in Calgary, I would have no problem chasing her. But look where we are! I hate to be one to say there's no hope, and hey, love can do many great things, but is something even as wonderful as this worth it? Might it be better to go for the fish closer to shore?

Oh Jenny....

And she even loves photography! Why don't I live on the coast???


*sigh*

London Fog
Ever tried it? I'll venture a guess at no. Come to my house and ask for some. I'll make you a mug. It's simply steamed milk and earl grey tea, with a little shot of vanilla. Most amazing drink ever!

Anyways, that's my update for now. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to the person who didn't respond to my saying goodbye via text, but it was really quite upsetting to hear nothing back from you. Maybe I got my revenge though, because for once, I hardly thought about you at all. So there.

Post-sailing

Well, it was certainly an amazing trip.
10 days of sailing, from the very bottom of Vancouver Island to the very top. If you've never been in desolation sound, you have no idea just how beautiful it is.

So I woke up at about 4:30AM July 25th, and didn't have any problem getting out of bed. My dad drove me to the airport, and by 7:00, I was sitting in my seat. At 7:30 (BC time now), I landed in Victoria International Airport, picked up my bags, and headed to the White Spot for a quick breakfast of waffles with whipped cream and strawberries. Next, I heaved my bags over to the desk of the shuttle bus, bought a ticket to take me to the Empress, and commenced sitting in the bus for another hour, iPod in hand. We got underway, and I was dropped off in front of the magnificent Empress Hotel, right across from the Victoria public warf. Lug my bags across the street, and have a seat on the docks, knowing I have an hour still to go before I can get on the boat at 11:30. In a few minutes, the Swift motors into the harbor, and a flurry of shutters and beeps announces it's arrival. Yes, I took 2 pictures as it came in, but that was the most touristy thing I did. A few minutes later, I spotted someone I knew! Krystal, who happened to have sailed with me last year, was on this trip as well! It was really nice to see a familiar face right then. Of course, it was right around that time that a whole lot more people I knew joined us, until we had a group of about 6 of us, all from trip 1 last year. Fun times! Anyways, 11:30 rolled around, and everyone clamoured aboard the Swift, anxious to get going. We all stood in line to go down to the aft cabin, to 'check in' and get notes and such. Knowing the routine, I strateigically placed myself near the head of the line in order to get a good bunk. Luckily, I was the first guy down below, so I got my favourite bunk, number 25. My head is right beside the galley (kitchen), and it's in the middle, so it's not too squished like the top row is, and it's not at the bottom, where everyone sits. I think it's really the best bunk personally...
Ok, so now I'm on the boat, trying to start learning names. You can tell the people who have never sailed before - they're much too scared to talk to anyone right off the bat, so it's the returnees who do a lot of the talking. That goes away pretty quickly though! By the time we went below for 'the talk', I was pretty confident with a lot of the names, unlike last year. So yeah, the crew go through a bunch of things that we need to know, and then by 1 or 2, we start the engine and motor out of the harbor.

From there, I don't think I'll recount the rest of the 10 days to you, because I can hardly separate the days myself. Either way, it was an amazing trip, and I'll have to tell you about it in person sometime soon!


And before I go, I just want to give a quick update:
I am currently at Shuswap, hoping to be coming home on Monday, but possibly as late as Wednesday, depending on how things go. I am dying to talk to everyone, so either send me an e-mail, or arrange a time to be on MSN, and I'll do my best to match that.
Wow, that trip changed SO much of me, I can't even begin to describe it. There are definitely parts of my life that will never be the same again, and there are some things that I worried about that I will never think about again. There are some things that really bother me about the trip, like the distance between where I live and other people live, particularly because I'm never going to see them again. That's what really bothers me about the trip. But I also love it, because when I was on that boat, I had a family of 38, and I loved every single one of them. To sing when you want to, heck, to start singing and have everyone else join you? It doesn't get much better than that. I miss it already.

I miss you already.

I want to talk again.

Hello

This post was written in the past, published in the past, but posted for you now, in the present.

By the time you are reading this, I will have been on the sailing ship for 8 days, enjoying the most beautiful scenery in the world. I will not be able to communicate with anyone off the boat, nor will I make any attempt to do so. Isolation that I can enjoy.

Hope you are all having amazing summers :)