Wow, I feel so self-centered having written that.
I hope you can sort of understand where I'm coming from...

iPod #3

I think I need to put some context into the mix. Help it all to stick
together.

Sailing was fun. 10 days of the greatest mental, emotional, and
physical freedom you will ever know. A time to let yourself go, to get
back to who you are. And when you're in that raw stage, where it's
just you without any other baggage, I guess things happen at a faster
pace. You see people for who they really are. And so now it's been
nearly two months, and we still keep daily communication. It's not as
great as face to face, but you make do with what you have.
My problem now is that I'm finding myself drawing further and further
away from what I thought I had wanted, getting distracted from the oh-
so-twisty road.
Do you have any idea how scary it is to even contemplate a long-
distance relationship? Your emotions spread thin across all that open
land and sea. To not see someone you think you could love for months
at a time is not fun at all. And what does the future hold? How I wish
I knew...

And then I'm back at home, living life as usual, trying to make sense
of it all. I begin to wonder about how other people feel towards me.
"Does she like me?"

Then I start noticing little tiny things that probably mean nothing at
all, but I store them none-the-less. I try and figure out what it is
that you want. I probably read much too far into everything you write,
but I just can't help it. Eventually I notice that the long-suppressed
feelings are trying to coax me into letting them loose for a while.
But I don't know where you stand, and the last thing I want to do is
put you in an awkward situation again. So I just sit and wait, letting
the ideas flow freely through my head.
That goes on for weeks. Then one day, while talking to one of my best
friends, he drops, right in the middle of the conversation, "she
apparently has no feelings for you outside of being friends." It's a
shock I guess, because I was following a path that I was feeling was
going the right way. That statement ruined a good few hours, and it
really didn't need to.
Later on we meet up, and it was just an all-around nice time. I'm
feeling like I can handle this again, and it's all going smoothly.
Then the kicker. A blog post that I had the good fortune of reading in
a slightly less-than-excellent mood because of extraneous
circumstances. I took it personally. It was like suddenly the weight
of every lie in the world came tumbling down on top of me. I was about
ready to call it all quits then and there.
Do you remember when we had that misunderstanding after one of your
parties? You said "I'm sorry that I wrote what I did but I was
hurt..." I can finally understand how you felt. I got surrounded by
assumptions, and that nearly threw me overboard. The description
played on all my insecurities, and I just went into the mental fetal
position.
I guess I just need to say this as clearly as possible. I want this to
be as unawkward as it can be, so please don't take this the wrong way.
I value this friendship more than anything. I want you to be happy. I
wouldn't be able to survive without you. Again, please don't take this
the wrong way, I just need to be clear with myself and everyone else.
If you were talking about me in the first half, then please tell me.
If it's me, I would have no problem with it. If not, I have the
greatest friend in the world. It's the fabled win-win situation! And
whoever he is, he's the luckiest guy in the world.

Sent from my iPod

...the one who's too paranoid for his own good.

Thanks :)

Separate

...fact from fiction.

...fantasy from reality.

...emotions from common sense.

-----

I hate being that guy. You described it so perfectly; the one who has the hidden agenda, who tags along when they're not invited, makes themselves welcome when they're not. The one who is trying to achieve their own means, who just doesn't get it.

The guy you want to have just stay put, to not get more involved than they already are, to not meddle in your affairs. The one you're so nice to, only making it worse.

The one who makes your life so much more complicated. The one not happy with just being friends. The one who thinks you like them. The one who is flirty. Gah.



The one that is trying so hard now to just be the best friend he can be. The one who is trying to put aside every emotion he's ever had. The one who feels awful to put you through the things he does. The one who should have realized what an idiot he's been. The one who's missed every single sign pointing them in the opposite direction.

The one you might not see as much for a while. The one who will become invisible to correct it. The one who isn't angry with anyone but himself. The one who isn't even going to entertain the idea from this point on. The one who doesn't care what's happened in the past, only what to change in the future.


The one who is just going to keep on living.
The one who wants you to slap them across the face from time to time.
The one who got caught up in ambiguity.
The one who just needs to be named to make it concrete.
The one who feels like shit, and not because of you.

The one who just wants to be your friend.


Yeah, I hate being that guy.

Perscription: Read and take grain of salt, call in morning

ctrl-c, ctrl-v
(aka, from MSN)

ok, so a guy breaks up with the love of his life, and it's all he can do to move on with his life
he really can't see how things will every improve from where he's standing
He vows to completely forget about the girl that he loved.
And so he sets out, trying to find something to fill that gap
a few months pass, and he happens to meet another girl
totally different from the last one
and it's love all over again
he can't stop thinking about her, talking to her, singing about her...he's smitten
Eventually he asks her out on a date, and they meet at a classy restaurant - a table for two
Everything seems perfect
he can see that glint in her eye, he knows that he can't go wrong
They talk, and the more they do, the more he realizes that she's just as in love with him as he is with her
Their conversation starts getting serious
Suddenly, between bites of chicken and penne with alfredo sauce, she tells him flat out that she is in love with him
He doesn't know what to say
It's the thing he's wanted all his life
He would jump up and down for joy if it weren't for the snobby waiter decanting the bottle of 1974 Merlot two tables over
All his internal organs rearrange into the shape of a heart
he can't help but smile
They realize that this is what true love is meant to be!
They talk more, and the weather starts to change
He doesn't notice it at first, but the barometric pressure of his heart is dropping, and it's picking up speed.
What is it that's causing this?
Then he understands everything
that table that the waiter poured the merlot for?
His ex is sitting at the table
she nibbles at a chef salad
as he watches, suddenly all the suppressed memories come flooding back to him, like the first sip of water a man has when he escapes a desert
He continues talking to the woman in front of him, but he realizes that it's not the same
Nothing can change the desires of the unconscious
As much as he wants to love this woman, the one who has come right out and told him that she is madly in love with him
he can't do it
He stops talking
He doesn't know why this is happening.
All he can do is stare at his medium rare steak soaking in it's own blood.
Does the woman notice his change?
He knows that he can't pretend
How can he say it to her?
That maybe there's something two tables over?
He looks at the woman he thought he loved, hunting for that spark in her eyes that captured his heart such a short time ago
trying to find the reason that he fell in love with her
but she has become transparent

I'm confused...are you confused?

Every once in a while, you hit a point where there's just too much to comprehend. Life is just flying past you at a whirlwind pace, and it's all you can do to just randomly guess where your next step should be. It's like trying to run around a merry-go-round when it's spinning at 100km/h.

Some people laugh at me when I pull out my iPod calendar to input a seemingly straightforward and easy to remember date. They wonder why I'm so incessant about putting in people's appointments and anniversaries, their birthdays and vacations, and every single rehearsal for every production I'm involved in. Well, take a closer look then. Month of September: 4 days with no appointments (yet).

If I didn't write everything down, the chances of me remembering are drastically lessened. For most people, forgetting about that club meeting or your parents anniversary might not seem too big, because really, you go to school, you go to work, and you hang out with people. My life operates on a completely different plane.

7 Shows!

1. Witness for the Prosecution (Beginning of March 2009)
2. Mamma Mia (December 2008)
3. The Jungle Book (December 2008)
4. I Love you, you're perfect, now change (December 2008)
5. The Producers (December 2009)
6. Faust Opera Job Shadow (November 2008)
7. Hockey Dad (October/November 2008)

The number of rehearsals is staggering, and I can't afford to miss out on one that I've agreed to attend. Add to that being in Symphonic band and Church Orchestra, with all their related performances, driver training, school, a social life, medical appointments, clubs, and sleep...I'm kinda busy. The only way I get anything done is by being meticulous. I have to write everything down; it's what I do.

That's everything I can actually write down in a calendar, because there's a set date and time for each. But what about the things that go on constantly? The things that I lie awake at night thinking about, the things that keep me from paying attention in class...the things that make me suddenly start crying during the middle of a math test?

To all my friends, I really do think about you all. When I sign out at night, it's not like I just shut off the computer and go to sleep. I shut off all the lights in the house, I walk downstairs, plug in my iPod, listen to some songs, and just relive some of the memories of the day. Sometimes I write letters. Heck, I probably have 2 or 3 letters to all of you, if not more.

Once in a while I over-think things too. For example, a blog post directed at someone specific, though unnamed in the post, and unknown to the reader. Sure it's obvious that it's directed at someone in particular, and sure it has obvious clues that could lead you to the identity of the unnamed person, but how can you know? And what if that post is written to you? Do you go right out and ask the person? Do you wait and see what they do? All I ever end up doing is printing off endless numbers of blog posts, highlighting and underlining key sentences, and burying myself in more thinking than I ever should. I try to analyze, but there's no simple equation. So I continue on, watching closer, and doing everything in my power to not burn my bridges. It's my only safety net.

Or what if someone just seems to have a cheery disposition around you? They're not someone you typically associate with, they just happen to have some mutual friends. Then all of a sudden they're showing up and hanging out with you during your spare, laughing at everything you say, and just being totally flirty around you. What then? And more importantly, what if you have no intention of starting any sort of relationship with them? How do I know if someone just wants to be friends, or if they want to pursue something more?

Another scenario: You know you have feelings for a person, but because of some situation or another, you just can't bring yourself to tell them. Then you wake up one morning to find an e-mail in your inbox telling you that they really like you, and want to know if you do too. Suddenly you're wide awake, and can't even commit the mental energy to forming coherent sentences. Suddenly all you can think about for the rest of the day is how to respond to that in the most poetic and truthful manner possible, and how you should go about working a relationship into your schedule and budget.

But what if you're still wondering about the feelings of blog poster? Sure you have some feelings for them, but can you really afford to wait around for something that may or may not ever materialize? You know you only have so much time to reply to that e-mail, but you don't want to rush it, because that one e-mail could drastically alter the course of your life forever. And you don't want to hurt anyone, because you know what it's like to be turned down. So you're suddenly stuck trying to decide between a positive return of feelings and a possible return of feelings. Add to that, say, 1200km of distance between you and the e-mailer, and you have a pretty complex equation. Now plug it into your graphing calculator.

Eventually you just decide that you've waited long enough, and respond to e-mailer, confirming that you have thought about them every day for a month and a half. You proceed to communicate via instant messenger, and begin to question yourself.

Suddenly, blogger signs in, and in your heightened emotional state, notice trace signs that could mean anything in the things they say. You begin to wonder if you've totally screwed everything up.

Thankfully, you at least have one person with a clear head, who thinks on the exact same plane of conciousness as you. They talk to you about pros and cons, about what to say and what not to, and offer some of the best emotional support possible.

Communication with e-mailer seems slow, and you're worried that what seemed so wonderful a few hours ago might be burning up on re-entry into reality. Blogger asks about a generalized affection status, and when you give a vague answer, 7 minutes of silence ensues. It's getting really hard to figure out where everything is going at this point.

Time to step away from the situation and look at it logically. Simplest thing to do is one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. And if you slip, back up, and try again. Maybe you'll end up taking a completely different path that you never anticipated needing before, but how can you know how it's going to end?

Basically, that's what life looks like now. From overjoyed at 6:30 in the morning to utterly lost at 8 at night, it's confusing. Some people would probably take this as an opportunity to shed a few tears. You have NO idea how much I wish I could. I'm phyisically unable to cry now. I'm totally convinced of that. It doesn't matter if I watch the saddest movie in the world, listen to the most beautiful song ever composed, or experience the worst grief I have in a long while, I still have not shed true tears in 5 years. It's very frustrating actually.

So there you go, a snapshot of my life. I'm confused. Are you?

.: 14 :.

I see the moon, and the moon sees me
The moon sees somebody I want to see
God bless the moon, and God bless me
And God bless the somebody I want to see...

Fine.

And I was just about to write a new one anyways. So here you go, a new post!

Really, I want to rant more than anything. Maybe not a long rant, but I'm just kind of bothered by band right now (alliteration!)

Today after school we picked up our band folders with most of the music we'll be playing this coming year, and more importantly, finding out what part we'll play (1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc) and who the section leader is.

So basically, I go in, and lo and behold, I get section leader.

BUT!!

Gah.

I'm second horn. Every minute I think about it more, I get bothered by it even more. Why is some grade 11 taking first? BUGS ME SO MUCH.

I commit to two groups; the school band, and my church orchestra.

>>Side rant: My annoying band teachers have been invited to the orchestra concerts MANY TIMES, and have yet to come. I think they underestimate the quality of the music.

Anyways, two groups. I do a lot of practicing.

And get this!

Our orchestra performs on a very regular basis - sometimes every other week! So I perform in front of about 3000 people on a weekend. Doesn't even bother me anymore, I hardly realize I'm on stage. The thing is, we sometimes get music as we're walking on stage. And we play it. For practices, we will sight-read a piece once, and it already sounds crazy amazing. For many performances, our total rehearsal time on a single piece is about half an hour. Then we get on stage, all eyes are on us, and we do an amazing job. Every time.

So here I am, getting my music, and everything has figgin' SECOND PART on it. I could scream right now! I'm actually feeling really insulted by it!

Is it range? Does crazy asian girl have better range than me? ie, can she hit a high, high C? After 2 months of not playing? Can she play for 4 continuous hours over a weekend? With BRACES???

I want to do my audition over again. Take back all the horn music please. Make Lindsey girl wait her turn!!! Make us do a cold read of some music. Let us see the piece 10 seconds before they expect us to play it. Test our endurance. Take into account the fact that I hadn't CUT MY LIPS BACK INTO SHAPE.

Honestly, with braces, the only way to play is to practice HARD for a few hours, pushing to hit every high note, until you have blood coming out your mouth. The entire inside of your mouth burns with pain, and you can hardly feel your lips. AND THEN you let it heal a bit, but KEEP PRACTICING. Then you build up callouses on your lips, so that within a few weeks, you can play just as well as a person without.

Really, I'm just totally angry at the way this turned out. If it's because of the braces, give me a pair of pliers, and we'll see what they have to say then.

Otherwise, maybe I might just, you know....quit band? I've got orchestra, who needs Eviloff?

Wordle

http://wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/166235/.%3A_Consider_the_Following_%3A.

So I took all the text in my blog, put it all into one document (76 pages), and had Wordle pick the top 400 words and arrange them all pretty like. Interesting what words I use the most...

I'm.....

(Copied from Jasmine Star Photography Blog, click title for link)

I am sitting in the drama room
I want to get started on some shows!
I have a venti vanilla earl grey tea misto from Starbucks, but I only paid for a grande!
I keep a record of all the money come goes in and out of my bank account
I wish I could fly to Vancouver Island this weekend
I hate how short my spare is
I fear screwing up all the wonderful things I have right now
I hear grade 11's talking about their lives, music by Hans Zimmer from my iPod
I don't think I should have spent so much money this weekend
I regret not being more open about my emotions
I love being myself, being happy
I am not sure what path I should walk down at this point. I'm on the median....
I dance in my room, most often a nice solo waltz to a happy song
I sing more than ever before, and I don't care what people think about that
I never accept mediocrity
I rarely come to class late
I cry when I listen to a certain few songs, and think about how great my friends are
I am not always sure of myself
I hate that I'm so indecisive when it comes to relationships
I'm confused about what you're intentions are
I need some food, advice, money
I should do something productive on my spare one of these days...

Nostalgia

Yes, I should be working on homework rather than texting to my blog, but I just want to write...something. I found three old photographs of me as a kid from years ago. Amazing how we change, isn't it? "Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." Looking at these pictures, I have no emotional connection to that person. Even pictures just a few weeks old seem distant. I look in the mirror, and it's like I don't know who it is. And yet, I know who I want to be, and really, that's good enough for me. .:&:.

You've received a Message from a TELUS phone. For more information on TELUS Mobility's Picture or Video Messaging, visit telusmobility.com/snap. If you don't hear or see the file, download the Quick Time player.

Vous avez reçu un Message d'un téléphone TELUS. Pour obtenir plus d'information sur la messagerie photo ou vidéo de TELUS, allez à telusmobilite.com/clic. Si vous ne voyez ni n'entendez le fichier, veuillez télécharger QuickTime.

.: 13 :.

When cameras take self-portraits...