iPod 004

Sitting in psych class, waiting for the results from a unit final that
took about 25 minutes...
This is definitely boring. I just finished writing an introductory
paragraph for an eassy on this thing too, so now I just need to find a
moment to go print it off. Or, worst case scenario, I guess I could
just forward it to my teacher. We'll see though.

Can you believe it's October already? This year has gone by crazy
fast, I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.

Sweet, 82% on the test. I love instant results like that. Nothing
worse than getting a mark for a test you took so long ago you don't
even remember taking it...nice that I didn't even study for the test
(I love common sense classes).

Anyways, we're about to watch "one flew over the cukoos nest" (sp?),
so I should probably put this away.

Sent from my iPod

Love and Marriage

http://www.jasminestarblog.com/

Looking at these pictures, I don't know, I guess I just have this intense desire to know what it is those people are feeling. I mean, what would it take to experience a joy as great as this?

Stargazing

You really got me to thinking about the stars... You make it sound so amazing!

*

Life is good. I'm finally seeing doors that I never knew existed.

*

I saw "Burn after reading" last night, and it was really good. But there's one thing that sticks out to me. The guy Ted (Richard Jenkins) is in love with Linda (Frances McDormand), but she doesn't realize it. So Linda is constantly hunting for love, and totally failing to see that Ted is trying so hard to tell her. It's probably the saddest thing I've ever seen. And then he goes and dies for her. That's one thing that I'm really overly paranoid about. I can't stand the idea of that happening to me, because I can't even imagine how much it would hurt. Then again...no. I know it hurts, and I don't want to ever do that to another person. I'm just so scared that I might do that to someone, and I never, ever want to.

*

I could probably rant about so many things right now. If I could somehow translate my falling-asleep thoughts into a text document, and transfer them over to the computer, it would be so amazing. Because there are so many things I have to say that just never get the airtime they deserve.

*

Maybe what I need right now is some free time. Time to just talk to a few people and let it out. To relax and not have to say anything at all. To feel totally at peace. To not have to be preoccupied with directing my thoughts. To not worry about what others will think of me. To not be concerned about worrying that people with think I have ulterior motives, when I really don't. To just close my eyes and not have to think. To open them again and see a smile.

*

I miss someone.
I want to hang out with someone.
I might like someone.
I'm happy when I'm around someone.
I laugh with someone.
I'm sort of jealous of someone I don't even know.
I want to talk to someone.
I want to hug someone.
I want to make someone happy.
I want to think about someone so much it hurts.
I want to see someone right now.
I want to "speak now" before I forever have to hold my peace.
I'm so glad to have someone as a friend.
I have so many regrets.
I wish I had made goodbye a little more special.
I can't wait for that next hello.

C-train

Riding the train babk from the photo expo, and there is the cutest kid sitting across from me. She's working the felt jacket with red scarf, and some pink earbuds running up to her head. Totally bobbing her head to whatever she's listening to. Total smile the whole ride. What a perfect image of childhood innocance. Maybe her mom is busy wondering how they're going to pay this month's rent, or where the next meal will come from, but that little girl is going to keep on smiling :)

CC

That's right, post number 200!!
It's been a long time coming, but we've finally made it. And there's a distince reason that I say 'we''. What would be the point of a blog with no readers? All it would be is silent HTML using up server space. So thank you to everyone who takes the time to read through what I write on the weird schedule that I keep. It's highly relaxing really, to be able to rant at an invisible audience.
In fact, right now I am sitting at the computer, but I'm not looking at the screen. In fact, my eyes are closed, and I'm writing this all just by feel. I guess it's probably a sign that I spend too much time on the computer when I can type at a really good speed without looking at the screen OR the keyboard. I'm kinda impressed with myself actually!
*sigh*
It's been fun. Life fluctuates between happiness and sadness, excitement and boredom. But it's good, I'm quite happy with where I am. I have some of the most amazing friends I could ever hope for, and they are always there to support me when I need it (and believe me, I've needed it a lot lately).
Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do next , because there are just so many different choices. I could pursue education in technical theatre, or I could travel, or I could live the life of a bum on the streets. Who knows where I'll be in 5 years? Who knows where I'll be tomorrow? It's very difficult to pin down even what it is that you WANT, because in order to know that, you need to know everything about youself. And not many people know it all.

That sort of reminds me of something I was reading in a book a while ago (sorry, I'm practically asleep right now, I'm just blogging for the sake of writing something). We spend billions of dollars in research in space, trying to find out everything we could possibly want to know about this crazy big amount of nothingness that surrounds us. And that's fine. And yet, we don't even know some extremely basice things about the Earth! We don't have highly detailed maps of the terrain of the ocean bottom, we don't know a fraction of all the possible life forms populating our planet, heck, we don't even know exactly how the ground we're standing on is changing. We can look up, but sometimes, it's more difficult to lookd around and down at where we are.

Is this getting random yet? Probably. Meh, I'm not even going to proof-read this post. I really just want to sleep.

I was thinking today about writing some letters to a few people. More importantly, letters to be given to those people in the (hopefully) unlikely event that something happens to me. Because for some reason, it's easier to be sincere and write what you really feel when you know people can't respond, that they will read it with the full intensity that you wrote it with. Because really, if you got a ltetter from a friend of yours who just died, you're not going to brush it off and laugh, are you? No, it's going to be a treasured possetion that you will keep forever.

That and I want my box of keep-sakes burned. And I don't want anyone reading anything in there. I am the only one who understands the full reason behind the objects in that box, and I don't want anyone spoiling that. It's very private, andyeah. You wouldn't understand.

Enough of that, time for some sleep.

Thanks again for reading!

*kiss*

This is just one of those pictures that keeps drawing me back, over and over again. It's so amazingly composed, perfectly exposed, the framing is great, and the subjects seem perfectly comfortable being photographed. When the picture was captured, it all came together, and it lives on in those megapixels. Before we go any further, I must state that I have no claim to taking this photo. It was taken by the highly talented Kyle Hauser of OneLook Photography. One of those pictures that I can only dream of taking...

↑date

Where am I at right now?
My computer.
Life has been pretty interesting lately actually. I'm sure I could write a whole essay, but I'm just not up to it at all, and I've been lacking in the sleep department lately.

Now Playing: S Club Party
Sometimes you just need something upbeat. Nothing better than some pop!

Today:
Wake up at 6:45AM, keep on rolling over until 7:20AM.
Get up, shower, feed dog, grab an apple, pack backpack, depart at 7:50AM.
Drop off CD's at the library.
Backtrack to Starbucks.
Venti Vanilla Earl Grey Tea Misto.
Wi-fi for e-mails, weather, random online apps.
Grab free song card.
Arrive at the school.
Say good morning, drop stuff off in locker.
Head to theatre with M, watch Bohemian rehearsal.
Spare.
Tech for drama 20 scene.
Program Bohemian light show.
Bell rings.
Head to Psych.
Watch "Touching the Void".
Try to stay awake.
Lunch.
Meet M outside SS class.
Walk to cafeteria.
Spot A in business office.
Wait for him to come out.
Watch people eat their lunches.
Pore over Bohemian cue sheet.
Run to talk to Fraser.
Come back, seat taken.
Keep working.
Listen to the usual random chatter.
Accept offer for more Starbucks.
Head to English.
Listen to MORE presentations.
Struggle to 'evaluate' said presentations.
Bell rings (thankfully).
Find holders of Starbucks beverage.
Accept tasty caffeine.
Head to math.
Shaking starts.
Pretty pink string thing!
Laugh and giggle through double-nappe cone lecture.
Receive text from L.
Pretend to care about doing homework.
Leave math class.
Say goodbye to those leaving immediately.
Stick around, ready to leave for Starbucks.
Go to bathroom, download e-mails from Perfect Blend wi-fi.
Come out, shaking like crazy now.
Walk to Starbucks with M and B.
Order 6 drinks.
Ignore stares of other patrons.
Download free starbucks song.
Carry drinks back to theatre.
Deliver deliciousness.
Get money.
Go to booth.
Half-hearted prep for Bohemian.
Control Room speakers still not operational.
Mad rush to get Bohemian actors ready.
Laugh through Bohemian.
Hang around until all auditions finished.
Listen to directors barter for actors.
Head to Subway so M can get dinner.
More Perfect Blend wi-fi!
Nibble on cookies.
Play random iPod games.
Co-write blog post (see below).
Get called home for dinner.
Wait around for dad.
Arrive home.
Eat dinner.
Head to computer.
Investigate National Theatre School of Canada.
See that it's way out of my league.
Random computer surfing.
Try to understand the human mind.
Worry about depressed friend.
Play with flight simulator app for iPod.
Chat more.
Open up blogger.
Start this blog entry.
Write "Where am I at right now?"


"I've never had a dream come true, until the day that I found you."


Well, that's a day. A pretty good one in my opinion.

The only thing that's not so great isn't really to do with my life, except that it parallels mine in many, many ways.

I don't know what I can say to you, or what it is that's eating you up. All I want is for you to be happy again. You know that you can tell me anything, and that I never have and never will share it. It kills me to see you so depressed all the time, I want nothing more than for you to see through the clouds. Sometimes things don't go exactly how we want them to, but please, just look past that. It's going to happen, so find some way to work it to your advantage! Grade 12 is super crazy, and managing school as well as a social life and relationship isn't the easiest thing by any stretch of the imagination. But I know you have it in you. Please, bring back my best friend! I miss him...

subway

subway
A word
E
Cookie
Mamma Mia!
Oven
Shoelace
Lethbridge
Ford
Fail
:(
Happiness
:D
Lame
:P
Omg
Lol!
Lolrus flying a roflcopter
Crash landing
Ireland
Sailing!
Woot
Money
Gift
Lucky
Sure am
Job time
Blockbuster
Stampede
Rides
Pictures!
Party
Fire
Hot tub
Chlorine
Chocolate
Nom nom!
Confused
Lolcats
Caffeine
Dinner
Home
Msn!
Later
Tata

Sent from my iPod

Wow, I feel so self-centered having written that.
I hope you can sort of understand where I'm coming from...

iPod #3

I think I need to put some context into the mix. Help it all to stick
together.

Sailing was fun. 10 days of the greatest mental, emotional, and
physical freedom you will ever know. A time to let yourself go, to get
back to who you are. And when you're in that raw stage, where it's
just you without any other baggage, I guess things happen at a faster
pace. You see people for who they really are. And so now it's been
nearly two months, and we still keep daily communication. It's not as
great as face to face, but you make do with what you have.
My problem now is that I'm finding myself drawing further and further
away from what I thought I had wanted, getting distracted from the oh-
so-twisty road.
Do you have any idea how scary it is to even contemplate a long-
distance relationship? Your emotions spread thin across all that open
land and sea. To not see someone you think you could love for months
at a time is not fun at all. And what does the future hold? How I wish
I knew...

And then I'm back at home, living life as usual, trying to make sense
of it all. I begin to wonder about how other people feel towards me.
"Does she like me?"

Then I start noticing little tiny things that probably mean nothing at
all, but I store them none-the-less. I try and figure out what it is
that you want. I probably read much too far into everything you write,
but I just can't help it. Eventually I notice that the long-suppressed
feelings are trying to coax me into letting them loose for a while.
But I don't know where you stand, and the last thing I want to do is
put you in an awkward situation again. So I just sit and wait, letting
the ideas flow freely through my head.
That goes on for weeks. Then one day, while talking to one of my best
friends, he drops, right in the middle of the conversation, "she
apparently has no feelings for you outside of being friends." It's a
shock I guess, because I was following a path that I was feeling was
going the right way. That statement ruined a good few hours, and it
really didn't need to.
Later on we meet up, and it was just an all-around nice time. I'm
feeling like I can handle this again, and it's all going smoothly.
Then the kicker. A blog post that I had the good fortune of reading in
a slightly less-than-excellent mood because of extraneous
circumstances. I took it personally. It was like suddenly the weight
of every lie in the world came tumbling down on top of me. I was about
ready to call it all quits then and there.
Do you remember when we had that misunderstanding after one of your
parties? You said "I'm sorry that I wrote what I did but I was
hurt..." I can finally understand how you felt. I got surrounded by
assumptions, and that nearly threw me overboard. The description
played on all my insecurities, and I just went into the mental fetal
position.
I guess I just need to say this as clearly as possible. I want this to
be as unawkward as it can be, so please don't take this the wrong way.
I value this friendship more than anything. I want you to be happy. I
wouldn't be able to survive without you. Again, please don't take this
the wrong way, I just need to be clear with myself and everyone else.
If you were talking about me in the first half, then please tell me.
If it's me, I would have no problem with it. If not, I have the
greatest friend in the world. It's the fabled win-win situation! And
whoever he is, he's the luckiest guy in the world.

Sent from my iPod