D:/My Documents/A letter.doc

I wrote a letter a few months back, and I only just found it again. I don't even remember writing it which is the weird part, it seems like something I might remember putting time and effort into.

What it's done is make life more complicated. Lately I've allowed myself to succumb to the bliss of ignorance, and I'm realizing what a mess it's causing. If only you knew.

I thought I had it all figured out, that all I had to do was wait and that when the time finally came, it would be perfect. But the thing about waiting for something to happen, is that time passes before it does. And when time passes, things change.

I feel like I'm looking at two polar opposites. So many different aspects to each scenario, and yet each with so many attractive qualities. Consequences too.

I find myself drifting back and forth, every minute thinking something different, questioning my previous decisions and trying to plan for the things that I have no idea will happen. I want a simple answer, I don't want to have to think about things, it shouldn't have to be multiple choice.

When I read that letter, it pulled me back to a place I had been for a long time, a letter that said in such a concrete manner exactly what I was feeling. There's no denying that it states exactly how I was feeling then, but what about now? I look at all those things I said, and wonder, is it still true?

I don't know where I should take things, and I constantly worry that I'm just going to screw it all up and end up right back where I started. I just want the simplicity of a child, to only have to worry if the tooth-fairy will come tonight, or if I mixed enough finger paints to finish my masterpiece.

I want this. I just hate the fog.
Damned fog...

Propaganda

So I was writing up my speech on why grade 9's should take tech. And to be honest, it felt like half the stuff was just propaganda. Haha, maybe it was?

You can learn to do it all!

Anyways.

Today was really, really great. I absolutely insist that we do it again soon, and I'm more than willing to donate my mattresses to the cause! Hanging out with you two was very excellent, I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow...and the next day...and the many rehearsals and performances after that lol.


Sorry, I hope I didn't seem too pushy with what I said yesterday, but honestly, I think that you need to do what you've told yourself you will (in your good time). Sometime soon we need to have another Starbucks afternoon, ok?


I miss you so much. Did you know that there is a month and 26 days left until March 23rd? Well now you do, and I can't wait for that day (or any day yet to be determined around that time). It's been way too long (5 months 24 days actually), and I don't want to keep going on like this, wondering how long I'll have to wait before I can know and feel it. I guess the things we want the most demand the greatest patience?


Maybe it's because we watched 3 action movies today, but I started to think that everything I said (over MSN at that) sounded deep and intense.

Blah blah blah metaphors about building things up, and the difficulties involved blah blah blah how eventually they all end up falling down anyways blah blah

you have to keep building these things until one of them can stand on it's own.

Oooh, epic!
At least, in my head it was...


Ok, either I'm suddenly really tired, or..I don't even know what. I just suddenly felt like crying? Odd.


Tomorrow will be a good day I think. Perhaps once I finish replying I'll go to bed. That or I could watch another episode of House...can you guess which one?


And of course, I'm obliged to post this. Have at 'er
(Feel free to write more than just the usual point form, because short answer, long answer, and even essay responses are always enjoyed...)


1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me?
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. Have you ever had a crush on me?
19. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be.
20. Your favorite memory of me.
21. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would I would bring?
22. Do I believe in God?
23. Who is my best friend?
24. Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?

:)

Today has been a rather good day in some regards.

Just surpassed 33,000 words, or 82 pages. Wow.
169 days of communication.
176 days since the trip ended.
57 days until spring break!

How am I going to make it that long? I really hope February goes by quickly...

Love and War

I came across this 'animated opera' a few minutes ago whilst being distracted from studying. I just find it so beautiful that, even though it's in a language that I cannot understand at all, I understand it completely.

Try to make ends meet

I guess it's been a while since I last posted something. Although to be honest, I'm just avoiding studying math, and being bugged about getting a job, and just human interaction overall. I really have no idea why, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, so I'm sitting alone in my room, being bored.

Online communication overall right now just seems to be lacking a lot. These past few days I've just avoided going online on MSN, but I don't know why. Just not a whole lot to say other than "how goes studying?" I have messages sitting in my inbox that I just haven't felt like replying to, even though there's no reason why I shouldn't. I don't mind hanging out and talking with people in person, it's really quite fun and enjoyable actually, but as soon as we enter the digital realm, I get bored and avoid it.

I was telling someone (you) the other day about how they (you) shouldn't lose heart when they're (you're) in a long distance relationship, and don't hear from their (your) significant other for a few days. And yet, after telling them (you) that, I realized that I'm guilty of the same thing right now. It's been 4 days since I last heard anything from her, and even though I know I shouldn't be bothered by it, that I should just understand that this is how it works, it still gets to me. I guess the biggest problem I have with it is not that she's taking a little longer than usual to reply, but the number of times that I've just been too tired to reply to her.

As soon as I finish this, I think I'll go work on my resume for a bit. My mom somehow found out that the Vertio Theatre is looking for people on their casual crew list, so I'm going to apply and see if they'll take me. Age is one thing that isn't going to be a huge help in this job however. Then I'll also do an application for starbucks, and ask at Best Buy and the Library. Ugh, I hate money.

Applied at Mount Royal and Red Deer yesterday. Really hoping for Mount Royal though, I'd have a really hard time affording res and tuition in Red Deer. And now I need to get working on a portfolio of my work so that I can actually get into the program. Now I'm just wondering if my marks are going to be good enough to get in...

Tomorrow is going to be great, I'm really looking forward to just getting into set building, and finally seeing it all come together. Hopefully my set design actually works the way I want it to

And I guess I haven't really told anyone what's happening with visiting, not that it really matters to most people. Obviously I'm not going next week, it didn't work out, which really bothers me. But as far as can be determined, I think spring break is the aim, meaning I finally have a really big incentive to earn some money.

Bleah, now I'm bored of writing in my blog. This is getting really stupid. I jst want to go to sleep. Maybe I will. Or maybe I'll get bored of sleeping too.

Stress

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.

Flight Cancelled

I am just so beyond words right now, this is insane.

In about 3 minutes, West Jet's sale on flights is going to end. And I won't have a flight. Why? Because my parents have decided to finally say that I need to pay back certain debts, and to get a job before I can go. Plus, I need to help them get to know her parents a little better somehow, since I'd be staying with them.

Or at least I was.

Now what? I just can't do this. I honestly just want to cry right now, I can't imagine a worse time for this to have to happen. Is it ever going to happen?

And now the sale is closed. Good night.

LDR

I don't know how many people know what that acronym means, I hadn't really known about it for most of my life. But even if you know what it means, do you know what it means? How many people have experienced it themselves?

It's a tricky thing to talk about I guess. Whenever I can, I've avoided it as much as possible in open conversation because it seems...different in a way. When you're in a relationship with someone close by, you can have them standing by you all the time, show them off, and just always have them nearby. But this is different. Maybe none of your friends have ever met them. Maybe you've only known them for a few weeks. The circumstances are infinitely varied.

I'm so happy for you, don't get me wrong. I mean really, welcome to the club.

She doesn't call it a 'relationship' yet, and I guess that's acceptable. We've only been in contact face-to-face for 19 days, and all of those were just while sailing mates, nothing more. From there we keep in touch through facebook, and eventually it's said flat out that we like each other. Simple, right?

Well then it hurts. A lot. Because instead of say, telling them one night, then waking up the next morning and seeing them in person, suddenly you're faced with a horrible period of time where you won't be able to see them, and there's no end to it in sight. Today is day number 156 of not being able to see her. Believe me, it's hard.

So we keep talking, and eventually we hatch a plan to visit each other again. Problem is though, time and money are both a little scarce at the moment. Where's the 300 dollars for a short flight going to come from? What about a taxi? And money for going out for dinner? It's nowhere near as 'simple' as most people have it. It needs to be carefully choreographed so that everything fits together perfectly.

Maybe when I get there it'll feel wrong. Because I haven't had the luxury of seeing her as special to me, maybe when I get there, it just won't work. Am I scared? Heck yes I am. Then again, I'm even more scared of it working. Because if it does, I'm still going to be going to Mount Royal for 2 years, and she's at UVic for 2 or 3, so it's not like it's going to get easier anytime soon. The distance is always going to be there.

I've read stories about other LDR's that have worked (quite helpful actually, really helped to calm some of my fears), and it always sounds like it's right out of a love story.

Maybe it is.

It's scary. It's hard. I'm not going to deny it. It takes a normal relationship and just loads on the extra weight. It can be hard to be trusting, and difficult to believe in yourself. Sometimes it feels like it would just be better to call it off and save your heart the agony.

And yet, every time I get a new e-mail in my inbox with that special label, every time I get a text with a special vibrate, every time I see that name on Facebook, I get a brief flash of happiness.

And when I look at her face before I fall asleep, I can't help but smile in my sleep.

Dollars and cents

WestJet Flight, Round trip
$323.75

Taxi Ride from YVR to Horseshoe Bay
Approx. $50

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Spending Money
$40?

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Taxi Ride from Horseshoe Bay to YVR
Approx. $50


A trip to visit?
Not quite so priceless... :(

Wrong

Something is wrong. I have no idea what it is, but I am so completely depressed right now it's insane. I had a really great afternoon; total reorganization of my room leaves me with tons of space, and coffee/hanging out with Mel was awesome as always. And yet here I sit, bored out of my mind to the point where I can't summon the energy to turn on my laptop or even to just fall asleep. I don't know what it is, but I'm just missing something.

In a week I'll be going back to class, and truthfully, it's a huge relief. At least when we're in school I'm busy. And being busy is nice. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Today I was thinking about Jen. More than usual that is. You see, the last time we actually saw each other face to face was August 3rd, and personally, I think that's a pretty long time (148 days to be exact). To be perfectly honest, the whole thing scares me quite a bit, because it seems so drastic and almost stupid when I really look at it. I mean really, is it really smart to even consider becoming involved with someone who lives so far away? I'm just asking for trouble.

Yes, we talk, and it's one of the few reasons why I still believe there's any hope in my actions. I mean, total length of conversations is 59 pages, or 25,000 words. And while length seems to keep increasing, I just find it harder and harder to keep focus on my goals.

Sorry about babbling on, I just can't sleep, and need to write.

I miss her so much, but I don't know if I can do it. I imagine what it would be like to wake up on January 22nd, drive to the airport, get on a plane and spend 4 days just being happy. But I don't know if it could ever live up to my crazy expectations. I'm scared that it would be awkward really. 20 days knowing her in person, how many in between? How can I be sure that this is right? Yes it's probably best to just take the risk and hope that it all works out, but I just can't shake the feeling that it'd be a waste.

No, that's not it. I'm scared, that's what it is.

What do I want?

I've had the craziest dreams lately, most of which I won't be sharing anytime soon. But things are just so...grrr. I don't know what to think anymore.

The folllwing is written with my etes closed and my head down. I have no idea what buttons I'm pushing only guessing and hoping that I get the right ones. I'm guessing my accuracy so far has been prety good, a positive oucome of spending so much of my life on the computer. I bet if someone walkedin right now it would look quite halarious actually. Me in bed, lying on top of two stacked pillows, my laptop in front of me, my fingers flying like mad across the keyboard, and my head fallen agains my arm. You know how it looks when people fall asleep reading a book? Well that's what I ilook like now, only my fingers are still working. Bleahg. if that made any sense at all, get to a hospital, somthing is probabl wrong with you too. *sigh* Still eyes closed, I'm starting to wonder how long this is. Oh man, that would really suck if I was just off by one key. so that everything I've written is just ginnerish. Heck, I bet a ton of words are totally illeigible because I'm not even going to go back and proofread this. I'm just going insane, that's all/ I guess this is what it's like to be blind... Now I'm going to purpoosely shift my hand over one key, and see what it looks like. \o ,oss jer ps ,igj rogjt mpw. ot's mpt evem gimmy/ \o wpi;f fibr smuyjomh yp drr jrt shsom/ Oh wow, that's a little nuts. Maybe I should get some sleep?

Nah.

I want to just spend some time with someone right now. Anyone really. Just spending time with people is so relaxing, I would give anything to just be able to talk to someone for a while right now. But that's not going to happen, everyone's probably asleep anyways. Once in a while Taryn comes over and we'll watch a movie. That's nice, because of course then we're both just toolazy to get up off the couch and go to sleep, so we end up talking until 1. That's what I could use right now. Gah, why must you bein in Saskatchewan Fergus? I'm disappointed in you.

Or maybe this is me having the drugs leave my system. I've been drug free for what, a week now? It's absolutely killing me. I would give anything for a fix right now, absolutely anything. It keeps me egoing, I'm totally dependent on mt drugs now, and it's likely not good for me at all. But the drugs are so addictive! I deal it too now, so I can see how quickly people get hooked. People come to me for their fix, and I'm all too happy to oblige. (Now read that again. Tech is my drug).

Ooh, I have a muscle! And a bone! And just LOOK at that fingernail...

Lollipop, lollipo, kikkuois,

Facebook!

Sorr, now I'm just being stupid. I'm bored of his, I need something new. I miss her, and I want to be less bored.



I'm scared.

Mellow

I guess it's just been a weird few days/weeks/months/terms...

Lots going on. I think I might just list them as they come to me.

• Recording today in the theatre went awesome. I mean, yeah I've done recordings before, but this just felt so..good. The result was way beyond anything I've ever made before, and I just can't stop listening to it, over and over and over again.
• I'm really having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Less than a week left until Christmas day, and I still haven't given any thought as to what to get my family for presents. Not that I have the money anyways...
• Well, I guess the unanimous result from my poll was pretty conclusive...now to just figure out when. So excited, you actually have no idea at all!
• I'm watching a number of my friends struggle to finish off those physics projects. I help in any way I can, and hey, I'm probably the fastest Google/Wiki searcher you'll find, but honestly, there's not much I can do.
• I definitely failed the math test today. I felt like total crap when I walked out of that room, it was NOT fun. I just couldn't do any of it.
• I sometimes feel bad about being so mean, but honestly, I've done my absolute best to cut the strings in a nice, humane, easy way, but you just keep insist on worming your way back into my life. I just can't handle it, so please, respect that I've asked you to stop.
• It's 11:11
• For some reason I always like to wish right now for that one very special thing.
• And no, it's not starbucks.
  
• I still need to reply to her e-mail, I just always procrastinate on these things, and I shouldn't.
• So, a car ride to the airport, plane ride to Vancouver, taxi or bus to the ferry dock, a ferry ride to the island, and then who knows what. Sucks that travel has to be so expensive. Definitely a limiting factor that I'm NOT looking forward to.
• My favourite picture of Jenna was used in an online magazine recently, I'm quite happy about it :) (The Epoch Times)
• I love piano music. I'm listening to some nice piano solo Christmas carols, and I couldn't ask for better music for the moment. Good fun.
• Tomorrow will be the last day. I'm so sad. I mean, 2 weeks without seeing so many people. And then no theatre? I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I simply don't have enough of a life outside of theatre to fill my time with.
• I'm addicted to Starbucks
• And now adrenalin I think. I realized that I like keeping the intensity going in everything I do, and that sometimes comes across as being angry or annoyed. It's more that I'm just sprinting through life and it looks like everyone else is just crawling. It annoys me when the rest of the world is slower than me.
• I love tech.
• I love a lot of things actually.
• And yet, I don't know if there is anyone outside my immediate family that I can honestly say I love. I know I've said it before, and yeah, I guess I did mean it. I love people as friends, there's no question about that. But romantic love? I don't know yet. Maybe it's waiting for me to arrive at the ferry dock? Maybe I'll be leaving it at the airport? Who knows where it is.
• Oooh, I have to pick colours for my room. I'm looking at a deep, dark red, and one wall in a red that's just a little lighter. Still not sure. Or maybe I liked the brown one? I don't remember.
• Should Alberta be nuclear powered? Hmm
• Oh Facebook, what would I do without you?

Ok, I should stop this now, reply to that e-mail, then get to bed.

Oh great, and I have a vocab quiz tomorrow that I still have to study for. Yay...

Should I go?

I guess I've said that I would, and it's not as if I'm not excited to, I just naturally question every decision I make now, because I'm so much more concerned about other people's opinions and feelings than my own. And that often leaves me in predicaments like these.

I've asked my parents, and they're supportive. I just need to find the money and time, and it'll happen. Problem is, I have hardly any of either.

What would happen once I'm there? Would it be awkward? Would I wish I had never come?

No.

I need to, because if I don't, I'll just get too comfortable with the Berlin Wall of internet, and never be able to fully know if there's any point to it.

A single message makes my day. To see words created by those hands fills me with a sense of joy, and I try to take time to simply focus on them and nothing else. It's a nice break to talk to someone who isn't prejudiced by my social circumstance or physical appearances. At the same time, it's a curse.

----

And yet while I have all those thoughts, I am constantly nagged by thoughts of...


...no, I can't write that. I'll think it instead. Oh dreams, where art thou?

I can't stand this

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?

Want

You know what I want more than anything right now? To be able to tell
someone that I love them, without any danger of pushing them away. I
want to know who it is that I love, because honestly I have no idea. I
want someone to just come right up to me and make it easy for me. I
want there to be something more in my life.

I want to fall asleep every night dreaming of the one I love, not
lying awake wondering what I've done wrong. I want to look into the
eyes and see an entire world inside. I want to hug. I want to kiss. I
want to love.

I want to know. I don't want to be blind. I want to understand. I want
to start. I want to be happy.

I know who I like.
I want to know who I love.

.: iPod :.

I can't believe this

It always seems to come to this. To the point where I'm lying awake in
bed trying to figure you out. And all I do is make things worse.

I know you like someone. I know that no one has told me who yet. I
just need closure. I need to eliminate all the open-ended routes in my
life so that I can just be happy with where I am. I honestly hate
asking, because I feel self centered, and that I'm forcing myself on
others.

I have no definite proof to guide me, just a whole lot of annoying
clues that may or may not in fact be clues.

As a group, we've discussed things such as understanding of the sexes,
and which should ask the other out. Personally, in this case (if there
is a case at all), I think the female should initiate things.

Blah blah blah, I'm really not getting anywhere. Someone clarify this
for me. Please.

.: iPod :.

?

Am I an idiot to think that there could be anyone out there that likes me as more than a friend?
Am I insane to think that you think about me?
Am I stupid to even think about you?
Am I intrusive if I want to know if you're talking about me?
Am I annoying if I am who I am?
Am I doing this to you?
Am I missing every clue that has passed my way?
Am I the usual me?

I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know your intentions.
I don't know who you like.
I don't know what you think.
I don't know if I should like you.
I don't know if this is just a silly thought.
I don't know if I should ask.
I don't know what to say.

I've promised to be a friend.
I've promised to love.
I've promised to visit.
I've promised to be true.

I've failed in being kind.
I've failed at keeping your trust.
I've failed you.
I've failed myself.

I think about you more and more.
I think about you when you sign in.
I think about you when I see you.
I think about you.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it.
The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
The more I think about it, the more I see wrong with it.
The more I think about it, the more I think of you.

I could be wrong.
I could be right.
I could be your friend.
I could be your lover.
I could smile as I do.
I could smile more.
I could be confused.
I could share it with you.
I could be stressed.
I could relax.
I could be content.
I could be happy.
I could be silent.
I could ask.
I could be wrong.

I could be right.

Who?

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Hard to believe

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.


Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...

6 Lane Highway

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

White water rafting

For a few days at least, I was totally sure I knew what I wanted, and
nothing was going to get in my way. But then you sat a little closer,
smiled a little more, and it all flew out the window. Now I'm stuck
with too many choices; all desirable in their own way, yes, but still
more than I care to comprehend. If i've been ignoring you all this
time, I'm sorry.

.: iPod :.