Lookin' for a breakthrough

What's it going to take? So many things still to do, to say, to be.

I just wish I could show you how much you've missed. Please just don't end the great thing you already have.

Another *sigh*

Of course, I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it, but to tell the truth, that's fine by me. I just hope that I'm not leading my friends astray.

Hardly know her

I don't think we've ever really met, and yet here I am at home, just feeling devastated that something like this could happen to even an acquaintance of mine. You have some really great friends, and I know they care so much about you, and so in turn I guess I care about you too.

I don't know any details, I only get snippets on how you're doing from time to time. I don't even know what you look like apart from a few glimpses in the halls. But I hope with all my heart, that you would be fine. I am praying for you constantly, and I know many others are too.

I don't ask why, because I know I'll never understand the answer. Bad things happen to good people, and it hurts when it happens. There's a reason, I'm sure, but I know we can trust that things are in His hands, and continue to pray for your healing.

And I don't know why but thank you for opening my eyes. Somehow, you helped make things just a little bit more clear for me.


I know that everything will happen as it is supposed to.

Stress

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.

Another one? Fine

Random
You like ketchup

Challenge
Try starting your own blog

Colour
Dark Green/Camo

Appreciate
You've stuck around for a really long time. I mean, I've known you longer than most people, which is pretty sweet if you ask me. It's been what...10 years? 11? 12?

Memory
Attempting to build an elevator in your basement for our hot wheels cars

Animal
A fox, not really sure why

Question
How serious are you about joining the armed forces? Is it for sure what you want to do, or are you looking into other options?

Because I can write in full sentences

Random
*poke* = random noise = hilarious

Challenge
I challenge you to try pepperoni pizza...with whipped cream on top! hehehehe

Colour
It is a very, interesting colour, and I will always associate it with you because of that one day when we randomly hung out in the mall, then went and had lunch with your mom at cheescake. Everything was Orange!

Appreciate
There really are quite a few to be honest, such as how you listen better than anyone else I know, or how you put up with my flaws, or how I know that I'll always be able to count on you if I need to talk.

Memory
Guess it would have to be the fire drill, but also math class, and walking on nose hill, and being more excited, and seeing Elizabeth, and days and weeks and months and years of awesomeness!

Animal
I'm sorry, I've just never really associated animals with people... I guess maybe a bird of some sort, because of how insanely fast you talk when you get hyper :P

Question
Honestly, what did I ever do to deserve a friend as great as you? I look back at old conversations, previous blog entries, expired pictures, and what do I see? Someone who has been there day in and out, always there to make me smile, to give me a dose of reality, to give me that little extra push when things are tough. I've got so much crap in my life, I've screwed up so much more than anyone will ever know, and yet somehow you walked into my life, and I still can't believe it. To be given complete trust, to be totally open, to be accepted for the messed up person that I am; it astounds me. Honestly, why me? So many other people would have packed up and left ages ago, and yet somehow you're still here, closer than ever. From the highest to the lowest, I have always been able to count on you, and hopefully, you on me. So thank you.

Liability

And since I simply must copy and paste a few words by order of the great M, here is the great questionnaire:

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your own profile.

Hehe

I really should be asleep, and yet I have to (again) write something down. Maybe it'll never be fully understood, but the meaning is here.

I guess there are just times when things can't be said directly for one reason or another. I really should suck it up and say things, but I never do.

Why do I always try to be sneaky?
Because it makes me feel smart for some reason.
Do I somehow think I'm going to gain something out of it?
Yes.


I do all kinds of random things.
That last quiz you just copied?
I love it when people don't even notice.
Yeah, I made it.
Sometimes I even do things with great intentions!
It was actually a trick of sorts
I have wonderful reasons, at least in my mind..
I wanted to know if you were mad at me
Things don't always work out according to plan unfortunately.
So I made up a quiz that answered what I wanted to know
There are times when my purposes are leaked.
and share.
People sometimes see through my scheming.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but I needed to know.
Many times they don't.
I felt like I had lost my best friend in the world.
I don't like coming across as insincere or dishonest
A title you deserve in so many ways.
Maybe I should just stop this game and be open.
I want you to be happy. That's honestly all that's left.
If I want to make things work, maybe it's time to reveal.
Above anything else.
Maybe it's time to just be concise.

Deja

I don't really think it could accurately be described at true "deja vu", because it never actually happened. And yet for some reason, today I suddenly found myself in a place that was somewhat familiar, and I was pulled back to a, well, very stressful moment in my life.

(To be 'clear', I mentally linked a number of various locations and words together at one moment in time, and experienced a very strange, near deja vu feeling.)

For obvious reasons (though only obvious to me, because I'm not going to give enough clues so that you know what I'm talking about), I can't mention names or occurrences, but I just feel like writing this out.

We were driving up a main road, and at one point there's a stop sign, and you can either go left or straight. To the left is a huge residential area, and ahead is just more road, with houses further up. None of that is important. What got me was that someone mentioned something (I'm calling it X for now, anything more and it would make sense), and it was like I got stuck inside a blender. You see, X had caused some pretty major problems for me and a number of other people a few months back, and so now any mention of X whatsoever just kills me.

I mean, maybe it's stupid, but I just can't shake it, even to this day. I know the time, the date, and every single word. I can recall every detail. And I really don't want to.

Mention X, and it's all I can think of. Why? Because X changed my life. Thankfully it didn't have as much effect as it could have, but it still changed me. I can hardly dare to imagine what would have happened if X had taken it's full effect.

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but it scares me to this day. Seriously. You say you're going to sleep now, and mention X, and my head goes haywire. I have to calm myself down and just reply with a typical and pre-programmed answer just to keep it hidden away.

Gah, it's so stupid, but I can't seem to change it.

*sigh*

I'm scared of X, not because of what it did, but of what it could have done.

(And I'm fine talking to anyone about the 'true identity' of X in private, I just don't think this is the place for it.)


In fact I think it might actually be nice to talk about it.

Who knows anymore.

My god do I ever miss her...

And I have to agree...I really love that picture too

Wrong

Something is wrong. I have no idea what it is, but I am so completely depressed right now it's insane. I had a really great afternoon; total reorganization of my room leaves me with tons of space, and coffee/hanging out with Mel was awesome as always. And yet here I sit, bored out of my mind to the point where I can't summon the energy to turn on my laptop or even to just fall asleep. I don't know what it is, but I'm just missing something.

In a week I'll be going back to class, and truthfully, it's a huge relief. At least when we're in school I'm busy. And being busy is nice. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Today I was thinking about Jen. More than usual that is. You see, the last time we actually saw each other face to face was August 3rd, and personally, I think that's a pretty long time (148 days to be exact). To be perfectly honest, the whole thing scares me quite a bit, because it seems so drastic and almost stupid when I really look at it. I mean really, is it really smart to even consider becoming involved with someone who lives so far away? I'm just asking for trouble.

Yes, we talk, and it's one of the few reasons why I still believe there's any hope in my actions. I mean, total length of conversations is 59 pages, or 25,000 words. And while length seems to keep increasing, I just find it harder and harder to keep focus on my goals.

Sorry about babbling on, I just can't sleep, and need to write.

I miss her so much, but I don't know if I can do it. I imagine what it would be like to wake up on January 22nd, drive to the airport, get on a plane and spend 4 days just being happy. But I don't know if it could ever live up to my crazy expectations. I'm scared that it would be awkward really. 20 days knowing her in person, how many in between? How can I be sure that this is right? Yes it's probably best to just take the risk and hope that it all works out, but I just can't shake the feeling that it'd be a waste.

No, that's not it. I'm scared, that's what it is.

What do I want?

I've had the craziest dreams lately, most of which I won't be sharing anytime soon. But things are just so...grrr. I don't know what to think anymore.

The folllwing is written with my etes closed and my head down. I have no idea what buttons I'm pushing only guessing and hoping that I get the right ones. I'm guessing my accuracy so far has been prety good, a positive oucome of spending so much of my life on the computer. I bet if someone walkedin right now it would look quite halarious actually. Me in bed, lying on top of two stacked pillows, my laptop in front of me, my fingers flying like mad across the keyboard, and my head fallen agains my arm. You know how it looks when people fall asleep reading a book? Well that's what I ilook like now, only my fingers are still working. Bleahg. if that made any sense at all, get to a hospital, somthing is probabl wrong with you too. *sigh* Still eyes closed, I'm starting to wonder how long this is. Oh man, that would really suck if I was just off by one key. so that everything I've written is just ginnerish. Heck, I bet a ton of words are totally illeigible because I'm not even going to go back and proofread this. I'm just going insane, that's all/ I guess this is what it's like to be blind... Now I'm going to purpoosely shift my hand over one key, and see what it looks like. \o ,oss jer ps ,igj rogjt mpw. ot's mpt evem gimmy/ \o wpi;f fibr smuyjomh yp drr jrt shsom/ Oh wow, that's a little nuts. Maybe I should get some sleep?

Nah.

I want to just spend some time with someone right now. Anyone really. Just spending time with people is so relaxing, I would give anything to just be able to talk to someone for a while right now. But that's not going to happen, everyone's probably asleep anyways. Once in a while Taryn comes over and we'll watch a movie. That's nice, because of course then we're both just toolazy to get up off the couch and go to sleep, so we end up talking until 1. That's what I could use right now. Gah, why must you bein in Saskatchewan Fergus? I'm disappointed in you.

Or maybe this is me having the drugs leave my system. I've been drug free for what, a week now? It's absolutely killing me. I would give anything for a fix right now, absolutely anything. It keeps me egoing, I'm totally dependent on mt drugs now, and it's likely not good for me at all. But the drugs are so addictive! I deal it too now, so I can see how quickly people get hooked. People come to me for their fix, and I'm all too happy to oblige. (Now read that again. Tech is my drug).

Ooh, I have a muscle! And a bone! And just LOOK at that fingernail...

Lollipop, lollipo, kikkuois,

Facebook!

Sorr, now I'm just being stupid. I'm bored of his, I need something new. I miss her, and I want to be less bored.



I'm scared.

Something new

It's that time (day) of year again, where everyone finds a way to find a little bit more hope and happiness in their daily lives in the midst of overwhelming darkness. We celebrate Christmas, a cocktail mix of religious celebration, crass commercialism, and annual tradition, with such overwhelming gusto that we have to start in November just to fit it all in. I'm not complaining, I just think that people need to take a bit of a deeper look into why they even celebrate Christmas (something I won't be doing this evening).

As you have probably already noticed, I've pretty drastically changed the look of my blog, and I think I'll be sticking with it for a while. Really just a new look to keep me awake more than anything lol.

But now, I think it's time I did some Christmas greetings. Much the same as last year's, written way down in Phoenix. This year it's coming to you all the way from my bed. How lucky are you?

1 - To my most faithful reader, and one of my greatest friends, it's been another great year. I think if we mapped out the year, it'd be a nice simple tan graph (fitting, isn't it?) and I love where the equilibrium has put us. I don't tire of saying how much you've changed my life, and I hope we can stay friends for many, many years to come. I hope that the new year will find you love and happiness, peace and rest, and above all else, tech and gaff. I'm always going to be here for you, just as you have always been for me. Hope it's been a great Christmas for you, and get better soon! (Can't wait for Monday!)

2 - Another year of thinking alike greatly, and I must say...I just never got around to finishing this. Figures :P

Last post for a while

I'm going to take a few days off blogging while I sort some things out, and get through these shows. I'm sorry if my posting so much has offended anyone in any way, it's just my way of thinking.

But something is wrong. With me.
I'm starting to realize that every time I talk to anyone through any sort of text format, be it e-mail, texts, facebook messages, or blogs, I can't help but feel like everyone is mad at me. Like I've done something so horribly wrong that the world is now punishing me for it. People who I would never dream would be so terribly angry suddenly come across as if they're accusing me of something.
I got a short e-mail from Ms. Fraser, and honestly, it was like she was reprimanding a problem student, and I know that she doesn't view me that way. But why am I suddenly thinking that everything is like that? Am I so tired that I am now believing that everyone is out to get me?

So can I just say that I'm sorry? I didn't realize it was this bad until now, and I want it to stop. I apologize with all of my heart if I've said things that are hurtful or accusing. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, because each and every person I know has done great things for me, and I don't want to repay it by pushing you away. I'm going to try to stay away from text communication for a few days, but I'd be more than happy to just talk in person, if you so desire.

Dystopia

the vision of a society that is the opposite of utopia. A dystopian society is one in which the conditions of life characterized by human misery, poverty, oppression, violence, disease, and/or pollution.
Could there be a better word for it?

---

Yes, I know I've changed. Heck, who hasn't? Does anything ever stay the same for a second anymore?

I don't know where to turn now. Do I give up or press on?

Oh somebody just shoot me. Please. There's nothing else here for me to live for now. If things really are just going to keep going downhill like they are, might as well quit while I'm still ahead, right?

I'm not going to say anything more until there's been time. Everyone's tired, and it's not going to make anything better if I complain about it rudely. I don't want this to happen, because I'm really not emotionally able to deal with it right now, but I can't make it worse by bugging you about it. I'm sorry, I just can help but feel like something has changed, and I don't like the updated version one bit.

cos[♥] = ?

Here I am, trying to study for my huge math midterm tomorrow, and I just feel like crap. It doesn't matter what I do, I am constantly lapsing into severe depression whenever I'm alone. I talk to my friends, but everything they say seems to come across as a reason for me to believe that they're going to leave me.

I'm so scared that this is going to have me end up losing my best friend. I hardly see him now because of rehearsals, and I just can't connect with him anymore. There's nothing that upsets me more. If I could just know that all it would take is for me to stop working on the shows to get things back to normal, I would. I just can't imagine losing that.

I'm so worried about this world. It's like a blanket, and the end is frayed. Someone is pulling on one of the fibers and everything is unraveling in front of me.

I think I need help. I'm so stressed out, and this hypochondria is really getting to me. Today I convinced myself that I have bipolar disorder. Sure, I might, but how can I know anymore?



I'm just spiraling down. This plane is speeding towards the ground in a huge inferno of flames. I can see the ground in front of me. I can count down the distance to the bottom; a measly 16 days. But how much longer will this plane hold out?

I can't stand this

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?

I can't believe this

It always seems to come to this. To the point where I'm lying awake in
bed trying to figure you out. And all I do is make things worse.

I know you like someone. I know that no one has told me who yet. I
just need closure. I need to eliminate all the open-ended routes in my
life so that I can just be happy with where I am. I honestly hate
asking, because I feel self centered, and that I'm forcing myself on
others.

I have no definite proof to guide me, just a whole lot of annoying
clues that may or may not in fact be clues.

As a group, we've discussed things such as understanding of the sexes,
and which should ask the other out. Personally, in this case (if there
is a case at all), I think the female should initiate things.

Blah blah blah, I'm really not getting anywhere. Someone clarify this
for me. Please.

.: iPod :.

?

Am I an idiot to think that there could be anyone out there that likes me as more than a friend?
Am I insane to think that you think about me?
Am I stupid to even think about you?
Am I intrusive if I want to know if you're talking about me?
Am I annoying if I am who I am?
Am I doing this to you?
Am I missing every clue that has passed my way?
Am I the usual me?

I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know your intentions.
I don't know who you like.
I don't know what you think.
I don't know if I should like you.
I don't know if this is just a silly thought.
I don't know if I should ask.
I don't know what to say.

I've promised to be a friend.
I've promised to love.
I've promised to visit.
I've promised to be true.

I've failed in being kind.
I've failed at keeping your trust.
I've failed you.
I've failed myself.

I think about you more and more.
I think about you when you sign in.
I think about you when I see you.
I think about you.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it.
The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
The more I think about it, the more I see wrong with it.
The more I think about it, the more I think of you.

I could be wrong.
I could be right.
I could be your friend.
I could be your lover.
I could smile as I do.
I could smile more.
I could be confused.
I could share it with you.
I could be stressed.
I could relax.
I could be content.
I could be happy.
I could be silent.
I could ask.
I could be wrong.

I could be right.

Who?

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Hard to believe

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.


Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...