I think I realize why I don't blog during shows. I say things too quickly, and don't give them adequate thought.

Ever get that feeling where you know you've said something, but just aren't sure what the repercussions will be? I really don't know what to think anymore, just...



Life, leave me alone.

I'm listening to my sister have a huge tantrum about something upstairs. No idea what it's about, but I have such an urge to go upstairs and scream at all of them to shut up so that I can have some peace. It's not like there's anything particularly bothering me right now, but it seems to be the culmination of a lot of little stresses finding their way into my head all at once.

Let's back up. Last night, I randomly decided that I wanted to watch The Notebook. Now, some guys might think "why the heck would he want to watch a movie like that?" Well, I just decided that I wanted to. I have the whole movie ripped from YouTube (too lazy to rent it), so at about 10:30, I started to watch. Sure, I still had 2 MSN conversations going, but it was really nice. Some great filmmaking right there.

I guess what gets me is that even though it was so beautiful and amazing, that it made my chest ache, and that every part of me screamed in frustration at the fickleness of love, my eyes remained dry for the whole movie. I know, I've complained about it before, but honestly, it gets to you. To not be able to freely express emotion like that really takes a toll, and I miss it so much right now.

The movie finished around 12:30, but the whole night, I just couldn't sleep. I was still awake at 2, and after that, it was still a restless sleep.

Today in general was dull. I helped set up what hopefully was a really amazing date for a friend, but other than that, I just sat at home in front of my computer. It's now 10:15, and my binder is where I put it Friday afternoon. I doubt it'll move until tomorrow morning when I put it in my backpack.

I talked to Julie, the yearbook editor, a little more today, and every time I do, it bothers me, because still, things just aren't looking good for my picture to get into the yearbook. Now, if the picture taken at the beginning of the year were any good, I'd be fine, but it sucks, like honestly. I look like a perverted, gay, grade 10. I don't want my last year to be immortalized by that....

Maybe I complain too much.

I gave some constructive criticism to a younger photographer through honesty box in the nicest way I could, and then he comes back and starts laughing at me, and assuming I know nothing about photography. It just bothers me, because I naturally want to help people, and then this comes back. Well, you be the judge.

I just have a few suggestions for you regarding your photography, take it or leave it.

One thing I've noticed is that you post a lot of photos. Personally, I quite enjoy looking at your work, but I worry at times that it be a little excessive. While it is an entirely personal choice, sometimes it might be better to pick just a few good ones, and only post those, instead of full albums from a single photo-walk.
Another thing is that you many times post only a single photo in an album, which personally, I think is a wee bit of a waste. Maybe you could try combining a few days, or similar themes?
And as much as I enjoy your photos, I don't think you need to advertise with your status quite so much. People who want to see your photos will take a look on their own time, and the people who don't might start to resent you for the continuous barrage of reminders. Post a link on your profile, and let word-of-mouth do the rest.
Haha, and last is just a personal suggestion, in PS if you haven't already, try playing with curves and photo filters (in CS3 it's Image > Adjustments). I randomly played with a few of your photos, and to my eye, I think it really helped bring out some of the character. For example, one of your more recent photos...
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

But yeah, sorry if that sounded harsh or something, not my intention at all. Good luck with the photography!

------

Lol.
I have over 5000 photos. I take over 200 each time I go out.

A good photography picks his top 50, then from the top 50 picks the top 25 or 30.
I post my top 25 usually in an album, and create single themed albums "Photo of the Day"

Ps: The way to edited my photo made it become WAY under exposed and WAY over contrasted.

If you don't like getting my updates, then simply turn them off. It's quite simple, go into the Facebook users settings, notification controls and chose to not get updates from selected user (eg. myself)

------

Hey now, no need to get defensive. I've taken 13466 to date, and that's in a year and 2 months. Average number of shots per shooting day is around 130, maxing out at 600 on a really good day. I'm no stranger to lots of shots, I just weed out all but the VERY best, which is how I choose to do it, and everyone can do what they like. Just personal preference.

Contrast is a relative choice, I like my photos with more, you like yours with less. Just thought I'd show you another method. Actually, check out
http://www.phillprice.com/ . He has a style somewhat similar to your own.

Oh and don't worry, I don't mind updates, and I have more than enough understanding of how to operate Facebook.


And might I add, in response to your most recent status update, I did not say I didn't want updates from you (I turned them off months ago). I use CS3, you use whatever you want to. As for using PS in general, well, let's just say I do have a few years background in it.

(Status and Comments)
Lol. If you don't like getting updates about albums I post on Facebook, go into the Facebook settings, notification control and chose not to get updates from me.
-"Well said."
-"Lol...somebody messaged me and stated I should stop putting so many Photoshop on Facebook and that he doesn't like getting updates so frequently...Then stated I should use CS3. (I prob. know more about CS3 than the person does)

They even took the liberty of editing my photo into this:
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

Underexposed, over-contrasted -.-

I laughed.

It's so simple to not receive updates about photos. Just choose not to receive album updates from a selected user (eg. me)"

I just find it so insulting that someone would say such things when they have no idea who they're talking to. I mean, if you want to have people spread the word about your photography, at least be nice to people, right?

That's my rant for the evening. Maybe I should go to bed sooner rather than later today...

*Gasp*

I've been tagged! Imagine that! Let's skip the usual copy/pasted intro, and dive right into these points.

1. I am going to force myself to only do one of these at a time, and study between each one so that I don't totally waste all my time. You see, I have an awful thing called a math exam tomorrow, and to tell the truth, I'm nowhere near ready. I'm still learning how to use the formulas again, and I need to work on conics, trig, and combinatronics of all things. Maybe a little more on logs too, though I finally cracked them I think. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow though, hopefully it isn't TOO bad...
2. I fail at making deals with myself. Though I did learn the difference of a and b in a hyperbola, so I guess that counts for something. And in the mornings, I'll set my alarm for a reasonable time, but then it doesn't matter what I do, I just cannot get out of bed. I set about 6 more timers after the initial alarm, promising myself that after the next one, I'll get up. And yet, when I finally do get up, it's never as bad as I expect it to be.
3. Excited beyond belief about going to Vancouver over spring break. It's been all I can think about lately, I just...yeah. I need to make a fair chunk of money, but I think that if I can talk my parents into letting me miss 2 days of school (in February no less), then I'll get paid to do 4 shows, and make enough to get me there. Whenever I think about it actually working, about being able to see a dream I've had for so long come true, I just get so...happy. "I just want to see you too :)"
4. To tell the truth, I'm really not looking forward to grad pictures in a way. I know that a lot of people dislike being in front of the camera, and there's not a lot that can be done. I've always hidden behind my camera, taking pictures of other people so they don't take any of me. I've just always had a really hard time liking my appearance, because the thing I see in the mirror does nothing to reflect how I precieve myself from the inside.
5. I have to wear these really annoying clear plastic retainers, and I just keep pulling them off, then putting them back on, etc. They're also really gross right now, because I just had dinner and didn't feel like brushing my teeth for the 4th time today. So now it's just...pleasant.
6. I think I'm allergic to aspartame. Today I had a whole package of gum with aspartame in it (I have a terrible habit of just eating it, and swallowing it in bits until I've had the whole package). And so now I'm starting to have some not-so-pleasant side-effects. No more gum for a while.
7. I am rather scared of a few things, though I don't tell people most of them. I'm horribly afraid of train crossings though. Ever go on YouTube and see those videos of people almost getting hit by trains? Yeah, those scare me a lot. That and I'm scared to give my friends too much relationship advice, because I'm afraid that if they follow my advice, and things go south in their relationships, then they'll become upset with me, whether consciously or unconsciously.
8. I have never kissed someone outside of my family. Some days, that really bothers me. To the point of insanity almost, where seeing anyone, even my best friends, kissing someone, just makes me want to scream. It seems like something so special, so intimate, that I want to just have a bit of it in my life. And I get even more annoyed at the people who don't take it seriously, to either extreme. You get the people who kiss like there's no tomorrow, getting all over each other's faces in the middle of the halls, making lovely sloppy kissing noises while they're at it, and then the people who just take it for granted, not even seeming to notice when they've been kissed. I just want to experience it at some point in my life I guess. Oh, and then other days, I could care less :P
9. I have a strange addiction to Starbucks. And really, it only started this year. I mean, I've dished out hundreds to that delicious company, and it's more than a little stupid. But I just can't help it, I keep going back for more. It's not just the drink either. I'm convinced that a large part of the addiction is psychological. You don't see people getting addicted to Tim Hortons coffee, do you? No, it's because with starbucks you get the psychological bonus of knowing you spent more money, and it makes you feel a little more special when you walk down the street with that signature paper cup (I'm annoyed that they're still using Christmas cups though).
10. I get paranoid really, really easily. If someone texts me something that sounds even a little upset, I instantly assume that I've done something to them. Things like, "sounds good", "alright", "no worries", and even a "you too" at times can set me off. It just feels dismissive in a sense, and I worry that people don't want to talk to me. It's probably not true most of the time, but I get really paranoid.
11. Working on my light show for grade 9 tours right now, and I'm really happy with it so far. I'm doing it to a piece from the Dark Knight soundtrack, and so I'm attempting to light the theatre accordingly. Spent most of the afternoon working on various things to get the light show ready to go, and I'll be spending the next few days in the theatre preparing it for next Thursday.
12. My parents have been pressuring me a lot lately to get a job. Truth is though, I can't handle one right now. Tech is a full time job shoehorned into a part time schedule. As much as I need the money, I don't have the time to take one on. That and I just can't get motivated to go out and get one. I sent in a resume to Vertigo Theatre, but something tells me I won't be hearing from them anytime soon, which is really unfortunate. I was in a rush to go do tech (irony much?), so I didn't bother to write a good cover letter, which probably didn't help my professional appearance much. So hopefully I can actually make enough money to get me out to BC this time around...
13. I have a very full schedule at the moment. Most of it is light show programming at this point (I'm revising my time to work ratio to something more like 10 seconds per hour...). But then again, a fair chunk of it is hanging out with friends, something I'm quite looking forward to.
14. I just got the warm fuzzies :) All it takes is one email to make my day. Thankfully they come on a fairly regular basis, provided I reply.
15. I feel like such a psychologist at times. I ask all these questions to try to understand what's bothering people. I mean, I can almost imagine people lying on a couch, telling me all these things in person rather than through MSN. Me asking all these questions in that soothing voice, encouraging them to explain further. And yet I don't want to be like that. I want to be a friend, not a psychologist.
16. Maybe I'm just going a little insane over here, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Had a nice little Freudian slip whilst typing the word "kidding"...maybe you can figure where that one went. That's a little bit creepy though, isn't it? The fact that it seems to be at the forefront of my mind? I don't want it to be, and I like to think that it isn't.
17. I have a ton of paperwork to do for work experience. I need to do my big booklet of assignments, then finish hour sheets, plus grade 9 tours means a few sheets of paper to be distributed, and then before you know it, we'll be right into Witness. This treadmill never seems to stop.
18. I love photography, but lately I've pretty much cast it off to the wayside for a while. Maybe it's because I've been so busy with tech, but I just haven't taken the time to take any pictures lately. Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey, what can you do?
19. I have grad pictures tomorrow, and I'm kind of wondering what I should wear...I need to find some nicer jeans, pick a tie (yes, I have more than one of my own), and figure out what colour I want. Oh the decisions.
20. And now I'm a little rushed to just get this over with. Gah, I miss her. Post = over!
    

Try to make ends meet

I guess it's been a while since I last posted something. Although to be honest, I'm just avoiding studying math, and being bugged about getting a job, and just human interaction overall. I really have no idea why, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, so I'm sitting alone in my room, being bored.

Online communication overall right now just seems to be lacking a lot. These past few days I've just avoided going online on MSN, but I don't know why. Just not a whole lot to say other than "how goes studying?" I have messages sitting in my inbox that I just haven't felt like replying to, even though there's no reason why I shouldn't. I don't mind hanging out and talking with people in person, it's really quite fun and enjoyable actually, but as soon as we enter the digital realm, I get bored and avoid it.

I was telling someone (you) the other day about how they (you) shouldn't lose heart when they're (you're) in a long distance relationship, and don't hear from their (your) significant other for a few days. And yet, after telling them (you) that, I realized that I'm guilty of the same thing right now. It's been 4 days since I last heard anything from her, and even though I know I shouldn't be bothered by it, that I should just understand that this is how it works, it still gets to me. I guess the biggest problem I have with it is not that she's taking a little longer than usual to reply, but the number of times that I've just been too tired to reply to her.

As soon as I finish this, I think I'll go work on my resume for a bit. My mom somehow found out that the Vertio Theatre is looking for people on their casual crew list, so I'm going to apply and see if they'll take me. Age is one thing that isn't going to be a huge help in this job however. Then I'll also do an application for starbucks, and ask at Best Buy and the Library. Ugh, I hate money.

Applied at Mount Royal and Red Deer yesterday. Really hoping for Mount Royal though, I'd have a really hard time affording res and tuition in Red Deer. And now I need to get working on a portfolio of my work so that I can actually get into the program. Now I'm just wondering if my marks are going to be good enough to get in...

Tomorrow is going to be great, I'm really looking forward to just getting into set building, and finally seeing it all come together. Hopefully my set design actually works the way I want it to

And I guess I haven't really told anyone what's happening with visiting, not that it really matters to most people. Obviously I'm not going next week, it didn't work out, which really bothers me. But as far as can be determined, I think spring break is the aim, meaning I finally have a really big incentive to earn some money.

Bleah, now I'm bored of writing in my blog. This is getting really stupid. I jst want to go to sleep. Maybe I will. Or maybe I'll get bored of sleeping too.

Stress

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.

Last post for a while

I'm going to take a few days off blogging while I sort some things out, and get through these shows. I'm sorry if my posting so much has offended anyone in any way, it's just my way of thinking.

But something is wrong. With me.
I'm starting to realize that every time I talk to anyone through any sort of text format, be it e-mail, texts, facebook messages, or blogs, I can't help but feel like everyone is mad at me. Like I've done something so horribly wrong that the world is now punishing me for it. People who I would never dream would be so terribly angry suddenly come across as if they're accusing me of something.
I got a short e-mail from Ms. Fraser, and honestly, it was like she was reprimanding a problem student, and I know that she doesn't view me that way. But why am I suddenly thinking that everything is like that? Am I so tired that I am now believing that everyone is out to get me?

So can I just say that I'm sorry? I didn't realize it was this bad until now, and I want it to stop. I apologize with all of my heart if I've said things that are hurtful or accusing. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, because each and every person I know has done great things for me, and I don't want to repay it by pushing you away. I'm going to try to stay away from text communication for a few days, but I'd be more than happy to just talk in person, if you so desire.

Dystopia

the vision of a society that is the opposite of utopia. A dystopian society is one in which the conditions of life characterized by human misery, poverty, oppression, violence, disease, and/or pollution.
Could there be a better word for it?

---

Yes, I know I've changed. Heck, who hasn't? Does anything ever stay the same for a second anymore?

I don't know where to turn now. Do I give up or press on?

Oh somebody just shoot me. Please. There's nothing else here for me to live for now. If things really are just going to keep going downhill like they are, might as well quit while I'm still ahead, right?

I'm not going to say anything more until there's been time. Everyone's tired, and it's not going to make anything better if I complain about it rudely. I don't want this to happen, because I'm really not emotionally able to deal with it right now, but I can't make it worse by bugging you about it. I'm sorry, I just can help but feel like something has changed, and I don't like the updated version one bit.

cos[♥] = ?

Here I am, trying to study for my huge math midterm tomorrow, and I just feel like crap. It doesn't matter what I do, I am constantly lapsing into severe depression whenever I'm alone. I talk to my friends, but everything they say seems to come across as a reason for me to believe that they're going to leave me.

I'm so scared that this is going to have me end up losing my best friend. I hardly see him now because of rehearsals, and I just can't connect with him anymore. There's nothing that upsets me more. If I could just know that all it would take is for me to stop working on the shows to get things back to normal, I would. I just can't imagine losing that.

I'm so worried about this world. It's like a blanket, and the end is frayed. Someone is pulling on one of the fibers and everything is unraveling in front of me.

I think I need help. I'm so stressed out, and this hypochondria is really getting to me. Today I convinced myself that I have bipolar disorder. Sure, I might, but how can I know anymore?



I'm just spiraling down. This plane is speeding towards the ground in a huge inferno of flames. I can see the ground in front of me. I can count down the distance to the bottom; a measly 16 days. But how much longer will this plane hold out?

Complaining

Sorry, I guess I've been complaining a lot more than usual lately. It seems that since I'm so tired from all my tech that it leaks into every other facet of my life and taints it.

But really, truly, I am happy.

But I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone wants. Myself included. I'm confused about everything and everyone. And truly, I'm not happy with who I am. Or maybe I'm just not happy with my outward appearance? I need to be happy. What is it that's going to make me truly happy again? Will it come on a plane? Is it already here? Have I been blind?

I wish I knew these things.

Schizophrenia

Have I blogged about this before? I'm too lazy to go back and check...

We're watching "A beautiful mind" in psychology, and the main character suffers from schizophrenia. And honestly, watching psychology movies is really starting to get to me...

I mean, as soon as I walked out of the class, I went right to the drama room, and started working like crazy on an outline of when all the musical theatre rehearsals are so that my techies can know when they'd need to come in. And I swear, I really think my mind started to act like it thinks a schizophrenic would. I can't describe what that was like, but it just felt weird and cheap. I don't get it.


And then of course comes the matter of hat to do with my life. So many paths to choose from, and I just can't figure out which one would be best for me. I'm really starting to worry about if everything I had previously hoped to find in her may in fact be an illusion; that she has somehow changed her mind, and now I'm only chasing her shadow. I look for meaning in all the wrong places -messages, statuses, comments, pictures...it's stupid, but it's all I have. If I'm paranoid, I have something to believe in.

And sure, there are plenty of other relationships I could pursue, but I just don't know which ones are open to that and which ones aren't. Another Shakespeare analog; we're still reading "King Lear", and at one point, one of the men says, "It is better to be openly despised than to be given the impression of being liked while still being despised." And really, it's the same thing in this situation. I would rather just know 100% for sure who likes me and who hates me, and I could move on so much easier with that in mind. But people today just aren't like that, are they?

Gah, and now I feel like I'm falling away from one of my very best friends. What is happening to cause all this? We haven't 'talked' for nearly a week now, and it's really starting to bug me. Curse you musical theatre shows! You have ruined my social life!
I couldn't bear to lose you A, you need to know that. Can't you just tell me what's going on? Is there nothing I can do to help? Why aren't we talking right now?

And then of course there's you, probably the only thing that's actually keeping me somewhat sane at this point...what would I do without you? Thanks for so much today, I really owe you huge right now. It means a lot :)

*sigh*
I actually feel like I could sleep right through the night right now, and everything would be great! But no, I still have a whole scene of King Lear to read, plus studying for a math quiz and e-mails and programming and paperwork and blah blah blah...I need a life...


If I'm paranoid, at least I have something to believe in...

Diganosis

You know what's funny?

Lately in psychology we've been studying abnormal psychology, things like multiple personality disorder. And one thing I've noticed is that I am starting to somewhat convince myself that I have these disorders.

Now, that could be called hypochondria, though not quite as severe.

However, I found a much closer diagnosis. "Medical Students' Disease".

And isn't that ironic? That I'm diagnosing myself with a condition whose symptoms are incorrect diagnosis?


I really am going insane...

Self-Assessment

So today/yesterday/the 15th was my birthday, and I just wanted to do a bit of thinking before heading off to bed.
Overall, not a bad day. The first half really wasn't that great, seeing as I basically just got up, went and had family pictures taken, then got dropped off at the Jubilee. Strike was good, but I was just so tired that I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted. Then a short ride home, and a brief bit of grocery shopping before going to Lauren's.
From there, things got a whole lot better. I mean, I arrive, we go to Montana's, we all talk and joke around for half an hour, eat some really great food, drive back, and hang out with the greatest group of people I could ask for. I just had so much fun.
Now, I do feel really bad that I was as tired as I was at the end. I haven't been sleeping well, but I really hope that I didn't bother anyone by being so tired... Haha, and then people kept saying I would "make a great drunk". Well, I think the one flaw with that idea is that in order for me to be drunk, I kind of have to drink...and at this point, I'm thinking it's not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry if that spoils your entertainment. But really, I hate not having control of who I am. When I'm as tired as I was, I become someone else, and that bugs me. I don't ever like losing control of who I am, but I really started to tonight. Ah well...

I guess that's about it. I'm 17 now. It doesn't mean a thing to me though. 17 is just another number, and honestly, it means very little to me. What counts is the people who I have in my life; the people I can just relax and enjoy myself with. That's what makes it special.

Thank you for that, I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time.

6 Lane Highway

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

Reflections .:. snoitcelfeR

Something has been bugging me a lot lately. More and more, I’m noticing that I have an unconscious tendency to exaggerate. Sensationalism if you will. There is something in me that is constantly thirsting for attention, and it has found a somewhat effective way of achieving that through exaggeration and sensationalism.

Take for example my claim to get blinding headaches when I used 3D glasses for less than a minute in Futureshop one day. Why the heck I said that, I couldn’t tell you. Because I don’t get bad headaches. Yes, my head hurts a little more than normal, and yes I can’t make out a clear image at all through 3D glasses, but I don’t get major headaches or lose some of my ability to walk. I feel so stupid now that I realize that I did that, but more and more I’m realizing that I do it all the time.

Just today as I was leaving Dalhousie, I think I might have done something similar. Problem is, I don’t know if I did. Was something in my subconscious attempting to illicit a reaction from those around me? Did I somehow enter a state where my actions were all in an attempt to achieve something I didn’t know I wanted? Was ‘that look’ the result of an unconscious desire to be noticed through the use of sympathy and concern of onlookers? If it is, I’m really upset all of a sudden…



In other news…

Profile pictures on Facebook. Probably one of the most defining pieces of information you can post to your profile. To me, a profile picture says so much more than anything else.

One of the things I like to do when I’m bored is look at people’s profile picture albums. Why the albums specifically? Because you can see 20 of them all at once. And in that view, a subtle thing sometimes comes out. I believe that if a person uses profile pictures that they like (because it matches their mood) for a long time, a record of their emotions in general will result. Specifically, I look for changes between darker pictures and brighter ones. There are some people that have a whole bunch of dark ones, where their faces are almost all in shadow, and then another bunch later on full of smiles and sunshine. The most interesting thing, however, is when you correlate those emotional snapshots to the people, activities, and circumstances taking place in their lives. For example, one girl may have been single for several months, and was subconsciously upset about that. Then she meets a really amazing guy and couldn’t be happier. Her dark pictures give way to brighter ones, and her emotions are mapped in that way.

Or perhaps a guy is in a transitional period, where he isn’t quite sure who he is or who he wants to be anymore. At the beginning, his pictures might be snapshots of a younger self, seemingly carefree and smiling more often than not. As time goes by though, he may realize that in order to fit into the sub-culture of his choice, he must adopt something of a ‘emo’ look, utilizing harsh lighting and editing techniques. This transition is shown through his profile pictures, giving us a very revealing glance into the life of someone we may hardly know.

The only thing we must be wary of, however, is that you cannot rely completely on lighting and facial expressions. There are some people who prefer being seen in shadow, or will only pick pictures taken at rare emotional highs. But I think that in general, profile pictures can be quite revealing.

In looking at my own profile picture album, I can see trends in my own life, too slow to notice otherwise. My first profile pictures were very solitary and almost thoughtful. However, I choose to ignore the first few pictures, as they are often extraneous to the analysis. Looking at the newer ones though, I think a lot can be observed. The bottom five (oldest) are generally brightly lit, twice featuring my camera (as it was new at the time).
The next 6 show a change though. I see a lot of black, a lot of shadow, and not a single smile. What was going on in my life at that point? What caused this low emotional base?
From there, 7 photos that do not actually show any part of my physical self. That in itself can be very revealing. Is it because I am uncomfortable with what I look like? Do I feel less than photogenic? I think that is actually exactly the case. More often than not, any pictures of me I find to be highly unflattering. Only those that I have complete control over actually please me. In general, I am highly camera-shy, and combat that by taking the power away from people by taking pictures of them instead. What I need to do is somehow find a way to look at myself and be happy with what looks back.

Really, if you want a picture of me, take it when I don’t know you are. Candid shots are always the best of anyone in my opinion.

Hmm, that was very self-reflective…