Stress

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.