I can't stand this

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?