Ok

So I feel so cliche writing this now, but it's the truth, and I haven't thought about it more than now.

You're my best friend, my "BFF", and no one can understand me more than you do.

I have never felt emotions as raw as this in my life. When you first told me, I didn't believe you. Maybe the mind does it automatically, to cushion the blow. Surely this is some joke; someone stole his phone and decided to mess with my head. Or a dream, so realistic and with a ridiculous plot twist. And yet the evidence stacks up.

How long have you known? How many hints have I totally ignored? Why?

3 phone calls, 24 texts, 1 dying battery. (Priceless...).

The eerie silence of the parking lot as I arrive. No sound at all. Just footfalls.

I sat in your room for half an hour apparently. I didn't notice actually. They say you can lose track of time, and I believe it now. Watching those numbers rise and fall...

That top one, the one in green. Heart rate. I've never been happier to see a number before in my life. Showing me that it's all going to be ok somehow.

Who knows if it'll go back to normal. What's normal anymore????

Driving home, it's like frames from a time lapse. 1 new message. I can't take this. Fuck. Walking home. Incoming call. A voice that sounds how I feel. Charge phone. Wait for news. Doesn't remind me. Typing. Blaming. Telling. Driving.
Silence. Park. Automatic doors. Line. Wait. Unsure smiles. Not sure what to say. Hallway. X-Ray. Sterile. 26. Wood. Shoes. Red light. You. Sit. What to say? Watch. 118. 21. 14. 98. Blood pressure. Heart rate. Butterflies. Paper. Joking. Look around. Sharps container. Princess. Beep. Alarm. Nurse. House. Cane. Shoes. Electrode. Why? Leave. What to say? Goodbye. Walk. Cold. Van. Warm. Shivering. Red light. Street light. Fire department. Home. Breathe.

There was a street light I saw when we were at a stop light. It wasn't on, but there were little blue flashes barely visible inside. Faster and faster, until it was a constant light. Trying so hard to do what it's supposed to - give light. I find myself wanting so much for that street light to shine. What potential.

I'm ranting, but I don't care. I need to write.

I still have that piece of paper. I have no idea why.

"Slow and sweetly, like never, before...." Stuck in my head all night for some reason.

I hope it doesn't bother you that I told L and M. I wasn't sure if it was my place, but I felt they deserved to know. If I was in their place, I would want to know no matter what. We all care about you so much. Never forget that. Please.

There's a song I found that I wanted to save for a special moment. A time when it would have an impact. I think now is as good as any time. I'm not a huge fan of it musically, but the lyrics definitely say what I have been trying to say for the longest time. And this isn't just for you A, it's also for all the rest of you who read this (and I do know who actually reads this, and this is directed at you).

Let me show you the way

I'm looking at you
Old friend of mine
It's no use pretending
That everything's fine

So don't be so brave
Don't be so proud
I want you to know that
I'm here for you now

I can see you hurting and it's hurting me
It doesn't have to be this way

Chorus:
If you'd let me hold you
Closer
Let me know you
Let me show you the way

(Cantor during chorus)
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna see you right.

I'm feeling for you
Feeling so much
When this heart is big enough
For the both of us

I'll give you my love
If you give me your pain
I'll hold it inside of me
Til you're stronger again

Well I hate seeing you so far away
When not a word can say enough

CHORUS w/ cantor

I'll be your rock for this day
When I hear you calling out my name
Cause I know you'd only do the same for me

Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna see you right

I guess if there's anything I could say, it's just that I care about you, and I don't want to ever lose my best friend. Look back to "Tick time to tick time to...", Part 2 (A). Same goes for you, bucko.

Get well soon...