Brain Dump

I've just got so much on my mind right now, writing a straightforward blog post isn't going to be easy.

First off, I'm just really preoccupied with trying to diagnose with my limited knowledge of psychology WHAT IS GOING ON. I talk to you on a daily basis, and I swear, it's the same pattern every day. At the start of the day, you're fun to be around, you laugh, and life seems good. Then by the time we're both on MSN, you're just so pissed off at everything, and it's like I'm talking to a different person. Sure, it could medically be a vitamin deficiency or a chemical imbalance, but when you say "but really... i just don't, care in a way", I want to just slap you or something to get you to wake up and see how stupid you're being. But it doesn't work. Why do I try? Why do I care? You should know, you know everything about me.

Then I'm constantly worrying that I'm giving people the wrong impression. I don't want anyone to think that the things I say or do are an attempt to 'flirt' or to make you like me as more than a friend. If something I say comes across that way, it's not. I'm trying to be the best friend that I can be, nothing more.

For those that are wondering, yes, I do like someone, but none of you have met her. I miss her so much. It's been 88 days since I last saw her in person, and I would seriously do anything for one more day. I wish I weren't so pessimistic about love, because I am constantly thinking about how it will never work out. She lives in BC, looking at a career in marine biology or veterinary medicine, and is going to study at UBC. I'm going to go to Mount Royal for two years to pursue theatre production. Is it truly worth it? We've had 20 days together, and they're fading so fast. Once I get a job, my wages will go towards paying off next summer's sailing trip, and a flight to Victoria... *sigh*

And then there's a question of who likes ME... Girls, you are confusing. Very confusing. How am I supposed to know if someone likes me if they don't say anything? I could be ignoring so many signs and not even realize it.

Tech has always been something of a stress release for me. Any time that I'm in the theatre, it's like the rest of the world disappears, and I can create any world that I choose. But now all of a sudden I have so much going on in my life that it's spilling over and tainting things. I love tech, and I always will. People tell me that tech is what stresses me out, and I am really getting tired of hearing that. Anyone who says they're worried about how stressed I am by tech doesn't understand a very basic part of me. Tech is my life, and it is not a cause of stress.

Listen to me, ranting away. Though it feels like a lot more than it probably is, especially since this last bit has been written on my iPod.

Parties always add a new dimension to my life too. I try and tell people (and don't take offence to this next paragraph, this is generic ranting) that I'm really not into parties, butthat doesn't seem to dissuade them much. I think the main reason I got to parties nowadays is for pictures and so that I don't look like the odd one out or moredostant from the group in question. My parents have never been too big on the idea of me attending parties, probably heavily biased by their own experiences. Personally, I think the parties I go to are pretty tame overall. I highly doubt that a Halloween party with 11 attendees (according to FB) is going to escalate to one of those parties with 500 people plus police... Maybe one of the biggest things that keeps me away from parties now is the alcohol factor. Personally, I have no desire whatsoever to drink. Eventually I'm sure I'll take up social drinking of some sort, but just hearing people go on and on about so-and-so being crazy drunk is disgusting, stupid, and immature. I've sampled wine, I don't mind a few sips of white wine at times, but you will never see me drunk. It's just not going to happen. Chances are, I'll be a DD for life. But I also don't want to see my friends drunk. Or maybe I've just been sheltered my whole life, and all I need to do on Friday is get flat out hammered. Because my parents will let me go to tons of parties after that...

Bleagh

11:11 - I wish I could see you again. I wish I could give you one more hug.