All I ask of you

RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...

Brain Dump

I've just got so much on my mind right now, writing a straightforward blog post isn't going to be easy.

First off, I'm just really preoccupied with trying to diagnose with my limited knowledge of psychology WHAT IS GOING ON. I talk to you on a daily basis, and I swear, it's the same pattern every day. At the start of the day, you're fun to be around, you laugh, and life seems good. Then by the time we're both on MSN, you're just so pissed off at everything, and it's like I'm talking to a different person. Sure, it could medically be a vitamin deficiency or a chemical imbalance, but when you say "but really... i just don't, care in a way", I want to just slap you or something to get you to wake up and see how stupid you're being. But it doesn't work. Why do I try? Why do I care? You should know, you know everything about me.

Then I'm constantly worrying that I'm giving people the wrong impression. I don't want anyone to think that the things I say or do are an attempt to 'flirt' or to make you like me as more than a friend. If something I say comes across that way, it's not. I'm trying to be the best friend that I can be, nothing more.

For those that are wondering, yes, I do like someone, but none of you have met her. I miss her so much. It's been 88 days since I last saw her in person, and I would seriously do anything for one more day. I wish I weren't so pessimistic about love, because I am constantly thinking about how it will never work out. She lives in BC, looking at a career in marine biology or veterinary medicine, and is going to study at UBC. I'm going to go to Mount Royal for two years to pursue theatre production. Is it truly worth it? We've had 20 days together, and they're fading so fast. Once I get a job, my wages will go towards paying off next summer's sailing trip, and a flight to Victoria... *sigh*

And then there's a question of who likes ME... Girls, you are confusing. Very confusing. How am I supposed to know if someone likes me if they don't say anything? I could be ignoring so many signs and not even realize it.

Tech has always been something of a stress release for me. Any time that I'm in the theatre, it's like the rest of the world disappears, and I can create any world that I choose. But now all of a sudden I have so much going on in my life that it's spilling over and tainting things. I love tech, and I always will. People tell me that tech is what stresses me out, and I am really getting tired of hearing that. Anyone who says they're worried about how stressed I am by tech doesn't understand a very basic part of me. Tech is my life, and it is not a cause of stress.

Listen to me, ranting away. Though it feels like a lot more than it probably is, especially since this last bit has been written on my iPod.

Parties always add a new dimension to my life too. I try and tell people (and don't take offence to this next paragraph, this is generic ranting) that I'm really not into parties, butthat doesn't seem to dissuade them much. I think the main reason I got to parties nowadays is for pictures and so that I don't look like the odd one out or moredostant from the group in question. My parents have never been too big on the idea of me attending parties, probably heavily biased by their own experiences. Personally, I think the parties I go to are pretty tame overall. I highly doubt that a Halloween party with 11 attendees (according to FB) is going to escalate to one of those parties with 500 people plus police... Maybe one of the biggest things that keeps me away from parties now is the alcohol factor. Personally, I have no desire whatsoever to drink. Eventually I'm sure I'll take up social drinking of some sort, but just hearing people go on and on about so-and-so being crazy drunk is disgusting, stupid, and immature. I've sampled wine, I don't mind a few sips of white wine at times, but you will never see me drunk. It's just not going to happen. Chances are, I'll be a DD for life. But I also don't want to see my friends drunk. Or maybe I've just been sheltered my whole life, and all I need to do on Friday is get flat out hammered. Because my parents will let me go to tons of parties after that...

Bleagh

11:11 - I wish I could see you again. I wish I could give you one more hug.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It us the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

- William Shakespeare

--------

In terms of true love, there are no problems too great to overcome.
It cannot be called love if it changes when the loved changes, or ends
in death.
Love is constant and unchanging.
Love sees challenges and is not afraid.
Love is infinite.
Love does not waver with time, even when beauty is affected by time.
Love is everlasting, and will last until the very end of time.
And if all that I have said can be proven wrong,
Then no one has ever been in love.

.: iPod :.

What did I do?

You know, I really don't care what you say about guys being difficult to understand. Even if we are, girls are still extremely difficult to make sense of.

Yes, I know that over this past week I've been so busy that I have spent a lot less than adequate time with my friends, but is that something I should be punished for? It's my life, and I'm trying to make the most of it that I can. So forgive me if I haven't had all the time I'd like to. But that doesn't resolve the question of what's wrong. I don't know if I should ask you of everything is alright, or if I should just give you space. How the hell am I to know if you're just having a bad week or are genuinely mad at me? All this week I've been getting mixed signals, and I'm having an awful time trying to figure out if I'm reading you right or not. Are you angry or tired? What is it that I've done to get this reaction from you? I'm trying my best, but we all know that even my best leaves a LOT to be desired... So please, have I done something wrong? And what can I do to fix it? I don't want this to happen.

I miss you. Where have you gone? Where have I gone?

sorry

if, by some stupid chance a blog post starting with "a week ago, my life changed.", please ignore it. Don't read it. It's not a happy post, and it has a good chance of hurting some people. And to the person who already read it, I'm so sorry. I can't understand why you still put up with me after I put you through so much crap... Thanks.

Bleagh

I absolutely hate migraines. They always seem to come at the worst possible times, and leave me totally drained of energy.

Plus anytime I get one, I get an overly jingle-ified version of "This little light of mine..." stuck in my head from an old Advil commercial, and it drives me NUTS!

I need to finish all this psych homework in little less than half an hour, go and set up for a play for who knows how many hours, and then come home and sleep for a few before getting up again. Now I desperately need some caffeine...

(Did you know that you can sing the last paragraph to the tune of "This little light"? I think I might be going crazy...)

I need to finish all this psych homework,
In little less than half an hour,
Go and set up for a play,
For who knows how many hours,
Then come home and sleep for a few,
Before getting up again,
Now I des-perately need some caffeine...

(Save me from this pit of insanity starbucks...)

Reflections .:. snoitcelfeR

Something has been bugging me a lot lately. More and more, I’m noticing that I have an unconscious tendency to exaggerate. Sensationalism if you will. There is something in me that is constantly thirsting for attention, and it has found a somewhat effective way of achieving that through exaggeration and sensationalism.

Take for example my claim to get blinding headaches when I used 3D glasses for less than a minute in Futureshop one day. Why the heck I said that, I couldn’t tell you. Because I don’t get bad headaches. Yes, my head hurts a little more than normal, and yes I can’t make out a clear image at all through 3D glasses, but I don’t get major headaches or lose some of my ability to walk. I feel so stupid now that I realize that I did that, but more and more I’m realizing that I do it all the time.

Just today as I was leaving Dalhousie, I think I might have done something similar. Problem is, I don’t know if I did. Was something in my subconscious attempting to illicit a reaction from those around me? Did I somehow enter a state where my actions were all in an attempt to achieve something I didn’t know I wanted? Was ‘that look’ the result of an unconscious desire to be noticed through the use of sympathy and concern of onlookers? If it is, I’m really upset all of a sudden…



In other news…

Profile pictures on Facebook. Probably one of the most defining pieces of information you can post to your profile. To me, a profile picture says so much more than anything else.

One of the things I like to do when I’m bored is look at people’s profile picture albums. Why the albums specifically? Because you can see 20 of them all at once. And in that view, a subtle thing sometimes comes out. I believe that if a person uses profile pictures that they like (because it matches their mood) for a long time, a record of their emotions in general will result. Specifically, I look for changes between darker pictures and brighter ones. There are some people that have a whole bunch of dark ones, where their faces are almost all in shadow, and then another bunch later on full of smiles and sunshine. The most interesting thing, however, is when you correlate those emotional snapshots to the people, activities, and circumstances taking place in their lives. For example, one girl may have been single for several months, and was subconsciously upset about that. Then she meets a really amazing guy and couldn’t be happier. Her dark pictures give way to brighter ones, and her emotions are mapped in that way.

Or perhaps a guy is in a transitional period, where he isn’t quite sure who he is or who he wants to be anymore. At the beginning, his pictures might be snapshots of a younger self, seemingly carefree and smiling more often than not. As time goes by though, he may realize that in order to fit into the sub-culture of his choice, he must adopt something of a ‘emo’ look, utilizing harsh lighting and editing techniques. This transition is shown through his profile pictures, giving us a very revealing glance into the life of someone we may hardly know.

The only thing we must be wary of, however, is that you cannot rely completely on lighting and facial expressions. There are some people who prefer being seen in shadow, or will only pick pictures taken at rare emotional highs. But I think that in general, profile pictures can be quite revealing.

In looking at my own profile picture album, I can see trends in my own life, too slow to notice otherwise. My first profile pictures were very solitary and almost thoughtful. However, I choose to ignore the first few pictures, as they are often extraneous to the analysis. Looking at the newer ones though, I think a lot can be observed. The bottom five (oldest) are generally brightly lit, twice featuring my camera (as it was new at the time).
The next 6 show a change though. I see a lot of black, a lot of shadow, and not a single smile. What was going on in my life at that point? What caused this low emotional base?
From there, 7 photos that do not actually show any part of my physical self. That in itself can be very revealing. Is it because I am uncomfortable with what I look like? Do I feel less than photogenic? I think that is actually exactly the case. More often than not, any pictures of me I find to be highly unflattering. Only those that I have complete control over actually please me. In general, I am highly camera-shy, and combat that by taking the power away from people by taking pictures of them instead. What I need to do is somehow find a way to look at myself and be happy with what looks back.

Really, if you want a picture of me, take it when I don’t know you are. Candid shots are always the best of anyone in my opinion.

Hmm, that was very self-reflective…

.: 15 :.

Been a while since I've uploaded one of these...

Ok

So I feel so cliche writing this now, but it's the truth, and I haven't thought about it more than now.

You're my best friend, my "BFF", and no one can understand me more than you do.

I have never felt emotions as raw as this in my life. When you first told me, I didn't believe you. Maybe the mind does it automatically, to cushion the blow. Surely this is some joke; someone stole his phone and decided to mess with my head. Or a dream, so realistic and with a ridiculous plot twist. And yet the evidence stacks up.

How long have you known? How many hints have I totally ignored? Why?

3 phone calls, 24 texts, 1 dying battery. (Priceless...).

The eerie silence of the parking lot as I arrive. No sound at all. Just footfalls.

I sat in your room for half an hour apparently. I didn't notice actually. They say you can lose track of time, and I believe it now. Watching those numbers rise and fall...

That top one, the one in green. Heart rate. I've never been happier to see a number before in my life. Showing me that it's all going to be ok somehow.

Who knows if it'll go back to normal. What's normal anymore????

Driving home, it's like frames from a time lapse. 1 new message. I can't take this. Fuck. Walking home. Incoming call. A voice that sounds how I feel. Charge phone. Wait for news. Doesn't remind me. Typing. Blaming. Telling. Driving.
Silence. Park. Automatic doors. Line. Wait. Unsure smiles. Not sure what to say. Hallway. X-Ray. Sterile. 26. Wood. Shoes. Red light. You. Sit. What to say? Watch. 118. 21. 14. 98. Blood pressure. Heart rate. Butterflies. Paper. Joking. Look around. Sharps container. Princess. Beep. Alarm. Nurse. House. Cane. Shoes. Electrode. Why? Leave. What to say? Goodbye. Walk. Cold. Van. Warm. Shivering. Red light. Street light. Fire department. Home. Breathe.

There was a street light I saw when we were at a stop light. It wasn't on, but there were little blue flashes barely visible inside. Faster and faster, until it was a constant light. Trying so hard to do what it's supposed to - give light. I find myself wanting so much for that street light to shine. What potential.

I'm ranting, but I don't care. I need to write.

I still have that piece of paper. I have no idea why.

"Slow and sweetly, like never, before...." Stuck in my head all night for some reason.

I hope it doesn't bother you that I told L and M. I wasn't sure if it was my place, but I felt they deserved to know. If I was in their place, I would want to know no matter what. We all care about you so much. Never forget that. Please.

There's a song I found that I wanted to save for a special moment. A time when it would have an impact. I think now is as good as any time. I'm not a huge fan of it musically, but the lyrics definitely say what I have been trying to say for the longest time. And this isn't just for you A, it's also for all the rest of you who read this (and I do know who actually reads this, and this is directed at you).

Let me show you the way

I'm looking at you
Old friend of mine
It's no use pretending
That everything's fine

So don't be so brave
Don't be so proud
I want you to know that
I'm here for you now

I can see you hurting and it's hurting me
It doesn't have to be this way

Chorus:
If you'd let me hold you
Closer
Let me know you
Let me show you the way

(Cantor during chorus)
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna see you right.

I'm feeling for you
Feeling so much
When this heart is big enough
For the both of us

I'll give you my love
If you give me your pain
I'll hold it inside of me
Til you're stronger again

Well I hate seeing you so far away
When not a word can say enough

CHORUS w/ cantor

I'll be your rock for this day
When I hear you calling out my name
Cause I know you'd only do the same for me

Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna see you right

I guess if there's anything I could say, it's just that I care about you, and I don't want to ever lose my best friend. Look back to "Tick time to tick time to...", Part 2 (A). Same goes for you, bucko.

Get well soon...

Shell-shocked

I don't even know what that means, but it sounds appropriate...

You know that feeling when you're having a dream, and in it you're walking down a street, when all of a sudden you trip or stumble or mis-step? And it jolts you awake all of a sudden, your heart is rushing, and half the time you can't even remember why? Like you just did a mini free-fall, and landed in your bed.

I think that about describes this moment.