Cos(life)

You know, there are times when I really don't know what to think anymore. It's nothing new that my mind jumps to conclusions way more often than it needs to, but I don't know, maybe once in a while it's right?

I've been trying to make it totally clear that I want nothing more than what we have right now. I do everything I can to keep it from looking like anything else, but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough. My emotions are basically a cosine graph; up and down, up and down, up and down. In fact, a lot of things about my life are parallelled by the cosine graph.

My longing for her? y= 0.5cosx+0.45
My energy? y= 3cosx-1
My overall happiness? y= 2cos(2x)
My paranoia? y= 0.1cosx+10

*sigh*

I guess right now, I'm realizing that I had a dream. And that dream will never come to fruition, and I've accepted that. But somehow, I see that exact dream being fulfilled in someone else's life, to such a high degree of accuracy, it doesn't matter if it's all a stupid scrap of paranoia, it's slowly tearing of a piece of my heart.
A while ago, I dreamt of how my life could look, and how it would all work out perfectly. Of course, the one little detail that was needed to put it all together decided not to show up for roll call, and it never happened. Time passed, and I was pretty much able to put it behind me. But then I see the thing that I wanted so badly starting to happen right in front of my eyes, and it's tearing me in two. (Then again, I could be seeing things, which wouldn't be too far off base).
One part of me couldn't be happier, seeing great people who deserve great things.
Then the other part loathes the happiness, and thinks that no one but Graham should be happy. I hate that part of myself, and I suppress it as much as I possibly can, but I'm sorry, it's not easy at all.

I really just wish you could fill in the blanks, I'm going crazy trying to guess at the answers.