Want

You know what I want more than anything right now? To be able to tell
someone that I love them, without any danger of pushing them away. I
want to know who it is that I love, because honestly I have no idea. I
want someone to just come right up to me and make it easy for me. I
want there to be something more in my life.

I want to fall asleep every night dreaming of the one I love, not
lying awake wondering what I've done wrong. I want to look into the
eyes and see an entire world inside. I want to hug. I want to kiss. I
want to love.

I want to know. I don't want to be blind. I want to understand. I want
to start. I want to be happy.

I know who I like.
I want to know who I love.

.: iPod :.

Found another one!

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station:
Bottle of Coke, and probably 2 chocolate bars

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
Probably either a whale of some sort or an otter.

3. Who's your favorite redhead?
Ms. Frizzle/Mrs. Martin

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?
Never been, sorry.

5. Last book you read?
The manual for the theatre walkie-talkies? Last real book was "Blink".

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear
Can't say I actually pay much attention to them...

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
Last one I remember is when the mic stand pinched my skin. But I could be forgetting many things.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Well, someone who can swim would be nice

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Definitely a symphony. Unless it's something like TSO with amazing lights.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?
Haha, one of the default patterns that comes with the phone.

11. Soda?
Jones?

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
A Arcteryx black base-layer thingy

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Teleportation?

14. Most recent movie you've watched in theatres?
I think it was that one about the CIA agent...oh! Burn after reading.

15. Name an actor/actress you've had the hots for:
First one that comes to mind would be Amanda Bynes. But considering I actually had to go hunting for names on IMDb say something...

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?
SKOR cake!

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Soup I think, but I don't really remember. Am I forgetful or what?

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
iPod, 2 flashes, speaker, bear spray, candle, Starbucks mug again!, keyboard, moose head

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Typically not

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Another thing I can't remember

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
Nope

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Quite likely

23. When's the last time you had a sour gummy worms?
A while ago?

24. Whats your favorite fruit?
A toss up between peaches, strawberries (with chocolate!), and apples

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
Nope

26. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Nope

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Definitely, it's quite delicious

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Dark green (can't wait to get a new bed...)

29. What's your favorite flower?
I'm partial to the delicate beauty of the rose personally. Or maybe wild indian paintbrush.

30. Were you or are you in ballet?
Once actually, in grade 5 I think. Being the only guy SUCKED

31. Do you listen to classical music?
Yep

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
A what?

33. Do you watch Spongebob?
No, hate that show

34. Last food you ate?
Ice cream cake!

35. Do people consider you smart?
In general I'd say yes.

36. What time is it?
11:30PM exactly

37. Is your away message on?
No?

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Nope

39. What curse word do you use the most?
I definitely say "awe crap" a lot

40. Do you own an iPod?
Sure do! Broken iPod club all the way!

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?
I have 4. 6:20, 6:25, 6:45, and 7:30. Each one for a different 'type' of morning.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
I don't have a CD player. But Star Wars is playing on my iPod at the moment.

43. What movie do you know every line to?
Um, none at the moment?

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ranch

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Perhaps. Guess I'd have to meet them first.

46. How old will you be on your next birthday?
18! Isn't that exciting?

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
I definitely do, but I also definitely don't give them out as much as I want to.

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Today I think?

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
I think pretty much every single person who knows me calls me "Gram", but honestly, I don't even notice anymore. Heck, I learned to respond to "Greg" in under a week...

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?
Hmm, that would be interesting...
"Oh look! The Graham did tech for this show!"

I have 15 minutes

Let's see how fast I can do this one...

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Well, I really don't like getting phone calls, because it kills my phone. But if it were a text message...then I guess I would want it to be someone special, even though I know there is very little chance they know my number.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Always, I hate dis-ordered carts

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Depends on the setting, but more often a listener

4. Do you take compliments well?
I try to minimize them I guess, but it depends on who they're from.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
No, I have other things to consume my time

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
What kind of wilderness? I'm pretty sure I could...

7. Do you like to ride horses?
Why not?

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Sure did, but I don't have many memories of it

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Being a SPY!!!

12. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? Can I say it depends? No, actually, I think I wouldn't.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
Precise, Perfectionistic, Quiet

15. Do any songs make you cry?
There are a few that get close, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.
Wait, "Everyday", Rascal Flatts

16. Are you continuing your education?
Theatre Production!!! Woot!

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Theoretically, yes. Practically, no

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
At the moment, my tech binder, laptop, keepsake box and old teddy bear. Oh, and my starbucks of course!

19. How often do you read books?
Do manuals count?

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All three almost equally, but probably the present mainly

21. What is your favorite children's book?
It's really been a long while, can't say I remember

22. What color are your eyes?
Blue (wow, I definitely had to think about that one..)

23. How tall are you?
No idea. Taller than Melissa, that's all that matters :P

24. Where is your dream house located?
Right above the booth

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Nope, but I think that should go on my to-do list

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never?

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Doctors office way out by COP

32. Do you like mustard?
A hint of mustard is ok, but not too much please

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep. I can eat during rehearsals, but I can't sleep

34. Do you look like your mom or your dad?
Probably more like my mom

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
8.5 minutes + 1.5 to dry off = 10 minutes total (and almost exactly too)

36. Can you do the splits?
No, but I can LIMBO!

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Hmmm...Nothing comes to mind, I just wouldn't mind getting out and seeing a movie in general

39. What/who did you do for New Year's?
Same thing I've done for the past 10 years; hang out with two other awesome families, and have a wicked awesome time!

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Sorry, never seen it

42. Do you own a camera phone?
It's a phone, with a camera...yes.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
I doubt it

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
R

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Currently 6 or 6.5, depending on what is going on in the morning

48. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
First thing I do when I get in a car

52. Where do you sleep?
In my super tiny bed

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Well it's a big city, I'm sure stuff happens. We have a newspaper for a reason!

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
1. Pitiful, isn't it?

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope

56. Do you always read people's blogs?
If they permit me to, always

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Either or, but serious with a funny side is great

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Nope

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Sure did!

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I try to avoid them altogether...

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Buy off of iTunes, rip from the library

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Heck no!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Lately my lifestyle (ie, eating, sleeping)

65. Are you a gullible person?
I hope not?

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Not at all. But I think it would be a definite advantage in the happiness department

68. Are you easy to get along with?
I try to be

70. What is your favorite time of day?
3AM, when I'm totally awake, and everything is so completely silent. And it's snowing. And the street lights light up the entire house. I love that time of day/year

I've always felt like doing one of these...

81 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME UNTIL YOU READ THIS:

1, What color is your toothbrush?
Blue, white, silver

2, Name one person that made you smile today
Melissa when I poked her with a 1/4" to XLR converter :P

3, What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Programming lights for LPC, probably somewhere around LQ34

4, What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Writing e-mails to people involved in Musical Theatre shows

5, What is your favorite candy ?
Swedish Berries

6, Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope

7, What is the last thing you said aloud?
Hmm, I guess I didn't [have lunch today]

8, What is the best ice cream flavor?
Neopolitan

9, What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water (how boring is that?)

10, What is the longest you have gone without sleeping?
I'm thinking close to 20 hours.

11, Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
Yes

12, Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Hahahahaha

13, The last sporting event you watched?
Wow, can't even remember...

14, What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Popcorn flavour...?

15, Who is the last person you sent a message to on facebook?
Group "MT Directors" and "Techies"

16, Ever go camping?
Yep, can't wait to go again

17, Do you take vitamins daily?
Nope, but probably should be.

18, Do you go to church every Sunday?
Indeed, sometimes even a few times a weekend!

19,Do you have a tan?
The booth does not really assist in tanning all that much

20, Do you like Chinese food over pizza?
Not usually, no

21, Do you drink your soda with a straw?
I prefer not to

22, What did your last text message say?
"Thank you so much ill explain the reason tomorrow"

23, What are you doing tomorrow?
Oh god, you don't want the whole list...band, school, idol, school, rehearsal

24, Where is your dad?
Who knows? Haven't seen him in 2 days now

25, Look to your left, what do you see?
Starbucks! (Well, an empty Christmas Starbucks mug)

26, What color is your watch?
Invisible!

27,What do you think of when you hear Australia?
I see a face. Don't know whose

28, What is your birthstone?
Topaz

29, Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Well considering I can't drive...

30, What is your favorite number?
Right now, probably 27 and 44. They are very pretty when on at the same time.

31, Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
It's been a LONG while...

32, Any plans today?
Finish this thing, English homework, sleep

34, Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
The fact that there are only 24 hours in a day

35, Last song listened to?
Currently "Red and Black" from the Les Miserables Broadway Soundtrack

36,Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I'm sure I could if someone pointed a gun at my face

37, Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Nope

38, Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
1 Pair does me just fine thanks

39, Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes

40, Is anyone jealous of you?
I think so

41, Do you love anyone?
I wish I could say for sure

42, Do any of your friends have children?
Yep

43, What do you usually do during the day?
Tech, that's about it

44, Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Hate, no. Greatly dislike, yes.

45, Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Of course, who doesn't?

46, What color is your car?
Another invisible paint job!

47, Do you like cats?
Better be careful how I answer this one...yes?

49, Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Nope

50, How did you get your worst scar?
Disturbingly-sized scar free!

51, Last cigarette?
Never had one thanks

52, last CD played?
Don't listen to CD's persay, but last album was the Sweeney Todd movie soundtrack

53, last BUBBLE bath?
Oh my...that was a LONG time ago

54, last time you cried?
5 years ago

54, last meal?
Ice Cream and Raspberries?

55, have you ever dated someone twice?
No

56, have you ever kissed someone & regreted it?:
*Sigh* no

57, have you ever fallen in love?
But of course

58, you ever lost someone?
Indeed

59, have you ever slept until 1pm?:
I wish...

60, Have you ever been drunk and threw up ?
Nope

61, list FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to –
Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Jenna, Brennan

62, list THREE favorite colors/shades —
Dark Green, Black, Steel Blue

63, Laughed until you cried:
Not sure, maybe today?

64, Went behind your parents back:
Rarely, but yes

65, Your last kiss?
*Sigh* No Comment

66, Gay Marriage?
I *should* be against it, but I'm really of no opinion on the matter

67, Lowering the drinking age?
How about raising?

68, Straight, Gay, or Bi?
Straight

69, Who are the best huggers that you know?
Don't get enough hugs to know

70, Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lately, I'm thinking so

71. Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yes, but I can't because of other things I've said, and suddenly it's all getting too complicated...gah

72, What brand of shirt are you wearing?
Old Navy

73, Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
No Comment

74, How many kids do you want to have?
Haven't given it much thought. Two perhaps?

75, Do you want to change your name?
I'm quite happy with it actually

76, Last time you saw your father?
Like I said, about 2 days ago

77, What time did you wake up today?
Well, first time was 3:15AM, then I actually woke up at 6:25AM

76, how old are you?
17

79, What were you doing at midnight last night:
Tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep

80, What is your favorite thing in your room?
This laptop

81, Where is your best friend right now?
One is surfing the internet in their room, the other is either in bed or doing chem homework.

Grief

Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what we know has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen.

Complaining

Sorry, I guess I've been complaining a lot more than usual lately. It seems that since I'm so tired from all my tech that it leaks into every other facet of my life and taints it.

But really, truly, I am happy.

But I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone wants. Myself included. I'm confused about everything and everyone. And truly, I'm not happy with who I am. Or maybe I'm just not happy with my outward appearance? I need to be happy. What is it that's going to make me truly happy again? Will it come on a plane? Is it already here? Have I been blind?

I wish I knew these things.

Schizophrenia

Have I blogged about this before? I'm too lazy to go back and check...

We're watching "A beautiful mind" in psychology, and the main character suffers from schizophrenia. And honestly, watching psychology movies is really starting to get to me...

I mean, as soon as I walked out of the class, I went right to the drama room, and started working like crazy on an outline of when all the musical theatre rehearsals are so that my techies can know when they'd need to come in. And I swear, I really think my mind started to act like it thinks a schizophrenic would. I can't describe what that was like, but it just felt weird and cheap. I don't get it.


And then of course comes the matter of hat to do with my life. So many paths to choose from, and I just can't figure out which one would be best for me. I'm really starting to worry about if everything I had previously hoped to find in her may in fact be an illusion; that she has somehow changed her mind, and now I'm only chasing her shadow. I look for meaning in all the wrong places -messages, statuses, comments, pictures...it's stupid, but it's all I have. If I'm paranoid, I have something to believe in.

And sure, there are plenty of other relationships I could pursue, but I just don't know which ones are open to that and which ones aren't. Another Shakespeare analog; we're still reading "King Lear", and at one point, one of the men says, "It is better to be openly despised than to be given the impression of being liked while still being despised." And really, it's the same thing in this situation. I would rather just know 100% for sure who likes me and who hates me, and I could move on so much easier with that in mind. But people today just aren't like that, are they?

Gah, and now I feel like I'm falling away from one of my very best friends. What is happening to cause all this? We haven't 'talked' for nearly a week now, and it's really starting to bug me. Curse you musical theatre shows! You have ruined my social life!
I couldn't bear to lose you A, you need to know that. Can't you just tell me what's going on? Is there nothing I can do to help? Why aren't we talking right now?

And then of course there's you, probably the only thing that's actually keeping me somewhat sane at this point...what would I do without you? Thanks for so much today, I really owe you huge right now. It means a lot :)

*sigh*
I actually feel like I could sleep right through the night right now, and everything would be great! But no, I still have a whole scene of King Lear to read, plus studying for a math quiz and e-mails and programming and paperwork and blah blah blah...I need a life...


If I'm paranoid, at least I have something to believe in...

Drunk 16

I am completely and utterly disgusted.

I was looking at pictures on facebook, and came across an album from a "Sweet Sixteen <3" party. First photo in the album: "Look how much alcohol we're allowed to have!" I just find is so gross. You're sixteen, and suddenly you've got 2 bottles of vodka, plenty more that I don't even recognize, about 50 plastic shot glasses? I'm sorry, but I just totally lost all respect for everyone one of the grade 11's who attended that party. I mean really, this is why teenagers get a bad rap from the older generation. A number of people our age go and get totally wasted, post numerous (and might I add, of very poor quality) pictures of their exploits for all the world to comment on, and that's what the world sees. I just don't understand this culture that I'm living in.

Mumble

Bleah, soooo bored.

Tonight was good, and then it crapped.

Went to my grandparents house for some pizza, then watched Wall-E (pretty good movie, but I think I've seen better). Of course, then I decide that I'm going to drive home, and my dad sits in the passenger seat.

Gah.

I just can't stand having him telling me to do things constantly. "Turn on your headlights" (which were already on). There's just something about him sitting there beside me that makes me so...grr.

Anyways, enough of that, we should both get some sleep methinks.

Wait!

I still have to program Voulez Vous!

Sleep can wait :P

Diganosis

You know what's funny?

Lately in psychology we've been studying abnormal psychology, things like multiple personality disorder. And one thing I've noticed is that I am starting to somewhat convince myself that I have these disorders.

Now, that could be called hypochondria, though not quite as severe.

However, I found a much closer diagnosis. "Medical Students' Disease".

And isn't that ironic? That I'm diagnosing myself with a condition whose symptoms are incorrect diagnosis?


I really am going insane...

I can't believe this

It always seems to come to this. To the point where I'm lying awake in
bed trying to figure you out. And all I do is make things worse.

I know you like someone. I know that no one has told me who yet. I
just need closure. I need to eliminate all the open-ended routes in my
life so that I can just be happy with where I am. I honestly hate
asking, because I feel self centered, and that I'm forcing myself on
others.

I have no definite proof to guide me, just a whole lot of annoying
clues that may or may not in fact be clues.

As a group, we've discussed things such as understanding of the sexes,
and which should ask the other out. Personally, in this case (if there
is a case at all), I think the female should initiate things.

Blah blah blah, I'm really not getting anywhere. Someone clarify this
for me. Please.

.: iPod :.

?

Am I an idiot to think that there could be anyone out there that likes me as more than a friend?
Am I insane to think that you think about me?
Am I stupid to even think about you?
Am I intrusive if I want to know if you're talking about me?
Am I annoying if I am who I am?
Am I doing this to you?
Am I missing every clue that has passed my way?
Am I the usual me?

I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know your intentions.
I don't know who you like.
I don't know what you think.
I don't know if I should like you.
I don't know if this is just a silly thought.
I don't know if I should ask.
I don't know what to say.

I've promised to be a friend.
I've promised to love.
I've promised to visit.
I've promised to be true.

I've failed in being kind.
I've failed at keeping your trust.
I've failed you.
I've failed myself.

I think about you more and more.
I think about you when you sign in.
I think about you when I see you.
I think about you.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it.
The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
The more I think about it, the more I see wrong with it.
The more I think about it, the more I think of you.

I could be wrong.
I could be right.
I could be your friend.
I could be your lover.
I could smile as I do.
I could smile more.
I could be confused.
I could share it with you.
I could be stressed.
I could relax.
I could be content.
I could be happy.
I could be silent.
I could ask.
I could be wrong.

I could be right.

Who?

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Self-Assessment

So today/yesterday/the 15th was my birthday, and I just wanted to do a bit of thinking before heading off to bed.
Overall, not a bad day. The first half really wasn't that great, seeing as I basically just got up, went and had family pictures taken, then got dropped off at the Jubilee. Strike was good, but I was just so tired that I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted. Then a short ride home, and a brief bit of grocery shopping before going to Lauren's.
From there, things got a whole lot better. I mean, I arrive, we go to Montana's, we all talk and joke around for half an hour, eat some really great food, drive back, and hang out with the greatest group of people I could ask for. I just had so much fun.
Now, I do feel really bad that I was as tired as I was at the end. I haven't been sleeping well, but I really hope that I didn't bother anyone by being so tired... Haha, and then people kept saying I would "make a great drunk". Well, I think the one flaw with that idea is that in order for me to be drunk, I kind of have to drink...and at this point, I'm thinking it's not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry if that spoils your entertainment. But really, I hate not having control of who I am. When I'm as tired as I was, I become someone else, and that bugs me. I don't ever like losing control of who I am, but I really started to tonight. Ah well...

I guess that's about it. I'm 17 now. It doesn't mean a thing to me though. 17 is just another number, and honestly, it means very little to me. What counts is the people who I have in my life; the people I can just relax and enjoy myself with. That's what makes it special.

Thank you for that, I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time.

Hard to believe

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.


Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...

6 Lane Highway

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

c90n93n96afrs24

So I've been programming lights on and off for about 3 hours now, and it's starting to make my head hurt. So many cues, so many lights to memorize.

c3n7n22n23n28t30a75rq1i1
= Channel 3 and 7 and 22 and 23 and 28 thru 30 at 75% record cue 1 upfade time 1
= SR Wash @ 75, fading over 1 second

Much as I love it, I can't believe there's less than a month now until these shows go up. I'm so far behind...

White water rafting

For a few days at least, I was totally sure I knew what I wanted, and
nothing was going to get in my way. But then you sat a little closer,
smiled a little more, and it all flew out the window. Now I'm stuck
with too many choices; all desirable in their own way, yes, but still
more than I care to comprehend. If i've been ignoring you all this
time, I'm sorry.

.: iPod :.

My week...yay!

Sunday
Church
Tech paperwork/Programming
Orchestra

Monday
My one day off so far...

Tuesday
Amazingly Awesome Techieness! (aka, t-shirts!)

Wednesday
Mamma Mia! Lights Run-through
Coffee House Concert
Faust

Thursday
Band Practice
Driving Lesson
Able Making
Orchestra

Friday
I know there's something...but WHAT???

Saturday
Jubilee Strike
Party!

J

You know, this whole experience has been a great trial of my patience and ability to be happy. I’m really starting to see where my weaknesses lie, and what I need to fix so as to not affect negatively those around me.

I’ve decided to stop counting the days it’s been. Knowing a number isn’t going to change a single thing, so why bother? Does a number of days quantify my longing for you? Does it make things better? 80 days is really no different from 90 or 100 days, so why do I need to worry about one more? In the end, I’m simply going to miss you all the greater, regardless of how time passes. Perhaps I miss you as much as I did on the first day, perhaps more, and maybe even less. But does it matter? I still miss you with all my heart; the past is gone, and all I want to think about is the present and future.

For my birthday, I think there is only one thing I want. You can probably guess what that is. Sure I hardly have time for anything anymore, but this is one thing I would MAKE time for. To see you again, with fresh knowledge of how I look in your eyes would be simply the greatest thing. To look at you, to see your mouth articulate the words that I have only been able to read on a screen for so long would be a miracle beyond description.

“Nothing almost sees miracles, but misery”
- William Shakespeare, King Lear

For those of you who aren’t totally in love with Shakespeare, what is being said is that when faced with misery, even the smallest and most insignificant things can be seen as miracles.

To see your smile, hear your laugh, watch you talk; they are such small things that you would hardly take notice – until you lose them. To touch your arm, look in your eyes, feel your warmth; those are miracles.

I sometimes feel as if I am being disloyal to the one I love, giving thought to how others view me instead of simply being happy with your acceptance. But you’ve said yourself, multiple times, that you are not ‘involved’ with anyone at the moment. Well, define involved! Are you just as unsure about this road as I am?

And then, do I really love you? Can I truthfully say it? I’ve said it once before, and perhaps that was the reason that it didn’t last? I will likely never know truly what caused it, nor do I think there is really an answer. But I still stumble when I think about truly loving someone. At the time, I meant it with all my heart, even if my definition of love was incorrect. But now I can’t help but wonder if I have perhaps too quickly jumped to the conclusion of ‘love’?

Our adult counterparts often belittle youthful relationships as not being serious, viewing them as “puppy love”, and do not give them the full appreciation I believe they deserve. If we are truly not loving now, when will we truly learn what love is? Is there some magic time when a false feeling of love turns into something real? Does the love fairy come and visit adolescents in the night, bestowing upon them feelings of love?

Am I being silly in wanting to go visit someone I don’t know extremely well? To want to book a flight out to Vancouver Island to see someone who I as of yet can’t say I’m in love with? Will I be viewed as the romantic fool who threw away his life for love? Or will people look upon it as being a wise choice, putting love as the number one priority?

I have very few pictures of you. And as much as I don’t want to be a creeper, I try and stay connected to your life in the only way I can – Facebook. Yes, I found the most amazing picture of you, and I now carry it with me everywhere I go, and will happily show it to those who truly desire to see what I am so fascinated by. Those eyes…a miracle.

A promise – I said that I will come and visit you. I said that I will give you a hug on sight. That is all I desire.

I mentioned in one of my e-mails that I see your face everywhere. And that’s not a lie by any means. I see someone with a sweater like you have, I see someone with short hair, I see someone wearing a turk’s head. And my heart just leaps for joy, believing that she has at last come to make my life complete. But alas, it is never you. I long to see your face in all it’s living, non-photographic glory, but will that ever happen?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy, when skies are grey,

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you,

So please don’t take, my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, while I was sleeping,

I dreamt I held you in my arms,

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,

So I hung, my head, and I cried…”

And I really did dream of you. I never dream, and then suddenly, out of the blue, there you are. Right in front of me. Sure the dream was full of symbolism that I still have not been able to figure out, but it was the greatest dream I have ever had. Why? I got to kiss you.

I continue to miss you more than words can describe. I wake up in the morning, and I look at a picture of you, and it is the highlight of my day. To see you smile is a miracle I shall never forget.

Your eyes like great jewels radiating beauty,

Evermore shall glow within my soul,

Warming the very core of this hollow shell,

Until it is but a shimmering pool of love.

(Weak attempt at Shakespearian poetry...)

A, I’m sorry if you don’t like a specific physical attribute of hers, but please, kindly keep it to yourself. I just find it a little rude, ok? Thanks.

I was watching Faust last night, and there was a single scene that really got to me. I didn’t get to see all of it, though I really hope to see it in full soon, because it was just such a beautiful love scene that I wanted to cry. I am consistently amazed at how there are people who can so accurately put into words just how love feels, and this is yet another beautiful example. (We simply MUST go, or else)

You said you liked me. I said I liked you. Now what?

O how my heart longs to hear it’s love’s song…

Cos(life)

You know, there are times when I really don't know what to think anymore. It's nothing new that my mind jumps to conclusions way more often than it needs to, but I don't know, maybe once in a while it's right?

I've been trying to make it totally clear that I want nothing more than what we have right now. I do everything I can to keep it from looking like anything else, but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough. My emotions are basically a cosine graph; up and down, up and down, up and down. In fact, a lot of things about my life are parallelled by the cosine graph.

My longing for her? y= 0.5cosx+0.45
My energy? y= 3cosx-1
My overall happiness? y= 2cos(2x)
My paranoia? y= 0.1cosx+10

*sigh*

I guess right now, I'm realizing that I had a dream. And that dream will never come to fruition, and I've accepted that. But somehow, I see that exact dream being fulfilled in someone else's life, to such a high degree of accuracy, it doesn't matter if it's all a stupid scrap of paranoia, it's slowly tearing of a piece of my heart.
A while ago, I dreamt of how my life could look, and how it would all work out perfectly. Of course, the one little detail that was needed to put it all together decided not to show up for roll call, and it never happened. Time passed, and I was pretty much able to put it behind me. But then I see the thing that I wanted so badly starting to happen right in front of my eyes, and it's tearing me in two. (Then again, I could be seeing things, which wouldn't be too far off base).
One part of me couldn't be happier, seeing great people who deserve great things.
Then the other part loathes the happiness, and thinks that no one but Graham should be happy. I hate that part of myself, and I suppress it as much as I possibly can, but I'm sorry, it's not easy at all.

I really just wish you could fill in the blanks, I'm going crazy trying to guess at the answers.

:(

Whywhywhywhywhywhy?

Oh my god.
I am completely and utterly screwed now.

I have been relying on my iPod to manage my utterly hectic calendar, and NOW LOOK AT ME.

It's all gone. You've seen what my calendar looks like. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have something begging for my time. That's why I meticulously write each and every thing down - so I don't forget anything.

And now I'm relying completely on faint memories of appointments I've agreed to make. Rehearsals, practises, events, birthdays....it's all gone!

I just want to cry, my life is just falling apart. It sounds melodramatic I'm sure, but I have always prided myself with being punctual and organized. And then THIS happens, and I'm left stranded without any idea of where to go next. What is it that I've committed to doing tomorrow? I hardly know anymore! GAH

Everything revolves around that one unit. I had instructed it to backup to Outlook in case something DID happen, but now I'm realizing that it never did. As far as I know, my contacts book is gone as well, meaning the meticulously compiled database of information is now lost, and I have to go hunting for everything all over again. All my settings are messed up, my wi-fi passwords gone, everything I had done to make it work just right for me is now thrown out, and I'm stuck waiting for it to transfer 2013 songs to the portable library. I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE MUSIC!!!!!!!! It's my life we're talking about here!

Wahhhh....
I can't decide which would help more - crying or Advil...or maybe both...

Sorry, that probably seemed really stupid that I'm so upset about losing a calendar, but you have no idea how much of my life was in there...

What to say

Wow, I just....can't stop wanting to say thank you.

Today sucked. Probably one of the worst afternoons I've had in a really long time. A little argument escalated to an all out fight, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I left for Nose Hill, not sure what was going to happen next.

I honestly can't tell you where I would be right now without you. It's because of you that I've met so many amazing people. And those people are what's keeping me going each day.

While I was on Nose Hill, I started writing a blog entry, bemoaning my life and how it was all falling apart. "Life is a multiple choice test; since when is death an answer?" I think of the 2 and a half hours I was walking, I was contemplating the pros and cons of life the entire time. And you know what? The biggest pro on my list was you. There is so little else left holding me together now, as much as I try to cover it up. I have fallen completely away from my family and beliefs, so that now all I have are a few good friends. It's pitiful how I get myself into this cycle of self-pity so often, but I know what it is that keeps me going now.

I'm going to keep doing the best that I can, it's really all I can do I guess. But thank you, you have always been there for me, and it's the greatest gift in the world.