iPod #3

I think I need to put some context into the mix. Help it all to stick
together.

Sailing was fun. 10 days of the greatest mental, emotional, and
physical freedom you will ever know. A time to let yourself go, to get
back to who you are. And when you're in that raw stage, where it's
just you without any other baggage, I guess things happen at a faster
pace. You see people for who they really are. And so now it's been
nearly two months, and we still keep daily communication. It's not as
great as face to face, but you make do with what you have.
My problem now is that I'm finding myself drawing further and further
away from what I thought I had wanted, getting distracted from the oh-
so-twisty road.
Do you have any idea how scary it is to even contemplate a long-
distance relationship? Your emotions spread thin across all that open
land and sea. To not see someone you think you could love for months
at a time is not fun at all. And what does the future hold? How I wish
I knew...

And then I'm back at home, living life as usual, trying to make sense
of it all. I begin to wonder about how other people feel towards me.
"Does she like me?"

Then I start noticing little tiny things that probably mean nothing at
all, but I store them none-the-less. I try and figure out what it is
that you want. I probably read much too far into everything you write,
but I just can't help it. Eventually I notice that the long-suppressed
feelings are trying to coax me into letting them loose for a while.
But I don't know where you stand, and the last thing I want to do is
put you in an awkward situation again. So I just sit and wait, letting
the ideas flow freely through my head.
That goes on for weeks. Then one day, while talking to one of my best
friends, he drops, right in the middle of the conversation, "she
apparently has no feelings for you outside of being friends." It's a
shock I guess, because I was following a path that I was feeling was
going the right way. That statement ruined a good few hours, and it
really didn't need to.
Later on we meet up, and it was just an all-around nice time. I'm
feeling like I can handle this again, and it's all going smoothly.
Then the kicker. A blog post that I had the good fortune of reading in
a slightly less-than-excellent mood because of extraneous
circumstances. I took it personally. It was like suddenly the weight
of every lie in the world came tumbling down on top of me. I was about
ready to call it all quits then and there.
Do you remember when we had that misunderstanding after one of your
parties? You said "I'm sorry that I wrote what I did but I was
hurt..." I can finally understand how you felt. I got surrounded by
assumptions, and that nearly threw me overboard. The description
played on all my insecurities, and I just went into the mental fetal
position.
I guess I just need to say this as clearly as possible. I want this to
be as unawkward as it can be, so please don't take this the wrong way.
I value this friendship more than anything. I want you to be happy. I
wouldn't be able to survive without you. Again, please don't take this
the wrong way, I just need to be clear with myself and everyone else.
If you were talking about me in the first half, then please tell me.
If it's me, I would have no problem with it. If not, I have the
greatest friend in the world. It's the fabled win-win situation! And
whoever he is, he's the luckiest guy in the world.

Sent from my iPod