Every once in a while, you hit a point where there's just too much to comprehend. Life is just flying past you at a whirlwind pace, and it's all you can do to just randomly guess where your next step should be. It's like trying to run around a merry-go-round when it's spinning at 100km/h.
Some people laugh at me when I pull out my iPod calendar to input a seemingly straightforward and easy to remember date. They wonder why I'm so incessant about putting in people's appointments and anniversaries, their birthdays and vacations, and every single rehearsal for every production I'm involved in. Well, take a closer look then. Month of September: 4 days with no appointments (yet).
Some people laugh at me when I pull out my iPod calendar to input a seemingly straightforward and easy to remember date. They wonder why I'm so incessant about putting in people's appointments and anniversaries, their birthdays and vacations, and every single rehearsal for every production I'm involved in. Well, take a closer look then. Month of September: 4 days with no appointments (yet).
If I didn't write everything down, the chances of me remembering are drastically lessened. For most people, forgetting about that club meeting or your parents anniversary might not seem too big, because really, you go to school, you go to work, and you hang out with people. My life operates on a completely different plane.
7 Shows!
That's everything I can actually write down in a calendar, because there's a set date and time for each. But what about the things that go on constantly? The things that I lie awake at night thinking about, the things that keep me from paying attention in class...the things that make me suddenly start crying during the middle of a math test?
To all my friends, I really do think about you all. When I sign out at night, it's not like I just shut off the computer and go to sleep. I shut off all the lights in the house, I walk downstairs, plug in my iPod, listen to some songs, and just relive some of the memories of the day. Sometimes I write letters. Heck, I probably have 2 or 3 letters to all of you, if not more.
Once in a while I over-think things too. For example, a blog post directed at someone specific, though unnamed in the post, and unknown to the reader. Sure it's obvious that it's directed at someone in particular, and sure it has obvious clues that could lead you to the identity of the unnamed person, but how can you know? And what if that post is written to you? Do you go right out and ask the person? Do you wait and see what they do? All I ever end up doing is printing off endless numbers of blog posts, highlighting and underlining key sentences, and burying myself in more thinking than I ever should. I try to analyze, but there's no simple equation. So I continue on, watching closer, and doing everything in my power to not burn my bridges. It's my only safety net.
Or what if someone just seems to have a cheery disposition around you? They're not someone you typically associate with, they just happen to have some mutual friends. Then all of a sudden they're showing up and hanging out with you during your spare, laughing at everything you say, and just being totally flirty around you. What then? And more importantly, what if you have no intention of starting any sort of relationship with them? How do I know if someone just wants to be friends, or if they want to pursue something more?
Another scenario: You know you have feelings for a person, but because of some situation or another, you just can't bring yourself to tell them. Then you wake up one morning to find an e-mail in your inbox telling you that they really like you, and want to know if you do too. Suddenly you're wide awake, and can't even commit the mental energy to forming coherent sentences. Suddenly all you can think about for the rest of the day is how to respond to that in the most poetic and truthful manner possible, and how you should go about working a relationship into your schedule and budget.
But what if you're still wondering about the feelings of blog poster? Sure you have some feelings for them, but can you really afford to wait around for something that may or may not ever materialize? You know you only have so much time to reply to that e-mail, but you don't want to rush it, because that one e-mail could drastically alter the course of your life forever. And you don't want to hurt anyone, because you know what it's like to be turned down. So you're suddenly stuck trying to decide between a positive return of feelings and a possible return of feelings. Add to that, say, 1200km of distance between you and the e-mailer, and you have a pretty complex equation. Now plug it into your graphing calculator.
Eventually you just decide that you've waited long enough, and respond to e-mailer, confirming that you have thought about them every day for a month and a half. You proceed to communicate via instant messenger, and begin to question yourself.
Suddenly, blogger signs in, and in your heightened emotional state, notice trace signs that could mean anything in the things they say. You begin to wonder if you've totally screwed everything up.
Thankfully, you at least have one person with a clear head, who thinks on the exact same plane of conciousness as you. They talk to you about pros and cons, about what to say and what not to, and offer some of the best emotional support possible.
Communication with e-mailer seems slow, and you're worried that what seemed so wonderful a few hours ago might be burning up on re-entry into reality. Blogger asks about a generalized affection status, and when you give a vague answer, 7 minutes of silence ensues. It's getting really hard to figure out where everything is going at this point.
Time to step away from the situation and look at it logically. Simplest thing to do is one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. And if you slip, back up, and try again. Maybe you'll end up taking a completely different path that you never anticipated needing before, but how can you know how it's going to end?
Basically, that's what life looks like now. From overjoyed at 6:30 in the morning to utterly lost at 8 at night, it's confusing. Some people would probably take this as an opportunity to shed a few tears. You have NO idea how much I wish I could. I'm phyisically unable to cry now. I'm totally convinced of that. It doesn't matter if I watch the saddest movie in the world, listen to the most beautiful song ever composed, or experience the worst grief I have in a long while, I still have not shed true tears in 5 years. It's very frustrating actually.
So there you go, a snapshot of my life. I'm confused. Are you?
7 Shows!
- Witness for the Prosecution (Beginning of March 2009)
- Mamma Mia (December 2008)
- The Jungle Book (December 2008)
- I Love you, you're perfect, now change (December 2008)
- The Producers (December 2009)
- Faust Opera Job Shadow (November 2008)
- Hockey Dad (October/November 2008)
That's everything I can actually write down in a calendar, because there's a set date and time for each. But what about the things that go on constantly? The things that I lie awake at night thinking about, the things that keep me from paying attention in class...the things that make me suddenly start crying during the middle of a math test?
To all my friends, I really do think about you all. When I sign out at night, it's not like I just shut off the computer and go to sleep. I shut off all the lights in the house, I walk downstairs, plug in my iPod, listen to some songs, and just relive some of the memories of the day. Sometimes I write letters. Heck, I probably have 2 or 3 letters to all of you, if not more.
Once in a while I over-think things too. For example, a blog post directed at someone specific, though unnamed in the post, and unknown to the reader. Sure it's obvious that it's directed at someone in particular, and sure it has obvious clues that could lead you to the identity of the unnamed person, but how can you know? And what if that post is written to you? Do you go right out and ask the person? Do you wait and see what they do? All I ever end up doing is printing off endless numbers of blog posts, highlighting and underlining key sentences, and burying myself in more thinking than I ever should. I try to analyze, but there's no simple equation. So I continue on, watching closer, and doing everything in my power to not burn my bridges. It's my only safety net.
Or what if someone just seems to have a cheery disposition around you? They're not someone you typically associate with, they just happen to have some mutual friends. Then all of a sudden they're showing up and hanging out with you during your spare, laughing at everything you say, and just being totally flirty around you. What then? And more importantly, what if you have no intention of starting any sort of relationship with them? How do I know if someone just wants to be friends, or if they want to pursue something more?
Another scenario: You know you have feelings for a person, but because of some situation or another, you just can't bring yourself to tell them. Then you wake up one morning to find an e-mail in your inbox telling you that they really like you, and want to know if you do too. Suddenly you're wide awake, and can't even commit the mental energy to forming coherent sentences. Suddenly all you can think about for the rest of the day is how to respond to that in the most poetic and truthful manner possible, and how you should go about working a relationship into your schedule and budget.
But what if you're still wondering about the feelings of blog poster? Sure you have some feelings for them, but can you really afford to wait around for something that may or may not ever materialize? You know you only have so much time to reply to that e-mail, but you don't want to rush it, because that one e-mail could drastically alter the course of your life forever. And you don't want to hurt anyone, because you know what it's like to be turned down. So you're suddenly stuck trying to decide between a positive return of feelings and a possible return of feelings. Add to that, say, 1200km of distance between you and the e-mailer, and you have a pretty complex equation. Now plug it into your graphing calculator.
Eventually you just decide that you've waited long enough, and respond to e-mailer, confirming that you have thought about them every day for a month and a half. You proceed to communicate via instant messenger, and begin to question yourself.
Suddenly, blogger signs in, and in your heightened emotional state, notice trace signs that could mean anything in the things they say. You begin to wonder if you've totally screwed everything up.
Thankfully, you at least have one person with a clear head, who thinks on the exact same plane of conciousness as you. They talk to you about pros and cons, about what to say and what not to, and offer some of the best emotional support possible.
Communication with e-mailer seems slow, and you're worried that what seemed so wonderful a few hours ago might be burning up on re-entry into reality. Blogger asks about a generalized affection status, and when you give a vague answer, 7 minutes of silence ensues. It's getting really hard to figure out where everything is going at this point.
Time to step away from the situation and look at it logically. Simplest thing to do is one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. And if you slip, back up, and try again. Maybe you'll end up taking a completely different path that you never anticipated needing before, but how can you know how it's going to end?
Basically, that's what life looks like now. From overjoyed at 6:30 in the morning to utterly lost at 8 at night, it's confusing. Some people would probably take this as an opportunity to shed a few tears. You have NO idea how much I wish I could. I'm phyisically unable to cry now. I'm totally convinced of that. It doesn't matter if I watch the saddest movie in the world, listen to the most beautiful song ever composed, or experience the worst grief I have in a long while, I still have not shed true tears in 5 years. It's very frustrating actually.
So there you go, a snapshot of my life. I'm confused. Are you?
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