Who?

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Self-Assessment

So today/yesterday/the 15th was my birthday, and I just wanted to do a bit of thinking before heading off to bed.
Overall, not a bad day. The first half really wasn't that great, seeing as I basically just got up, went and had family pictures taken, then got dropped off at the Jubilee. Strike was good, but I was just so tired that I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted. Then a short ride home, and a brief bit of grocery shopping before going to Lauren's.
From there, things got a whole lot better. I mean, I arrive, we go to Montana's, we all talk and joke around for half an hour, eat some really great food, drive back, and hang out with the greatest group of people I could ask for. I just had so much fun.
Now, I do feel really bad that I was as tired as I was at the end. I haven't been sleeping well, but I really hope that I didn't bother anyone by being so tired... Haha, and then people kept saying I would "make a great drunk". Well, I think the one flaw with that idea is that in order for me to be drunk, I kind of have to drink...and at this point, I'm thinking it's not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry if that spoils your entertainment. But really, I hate not having control of who I am. When I'm as tired as I was, I become someone else, and that bugs me. I don't ever like losing control of who I am, but I really started to tonight. Ah well...

I guess that's about it. I'm 17 now. It doesn't mean a thing to me though. 17 is just another number, and honestly, it means very little to me. What counts is the people who I have in my life; the people I can just relax and enjoy myself with. That's what makes it special.

Thank you for that, I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time.

Hard to believe

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.


Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...

6 Lane Highway

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

c90n93n96afrs24

So I've been programming lights on and off for about 3 hours now, and it's starting to make my head hurt. So many cues, so many lights to memorize.

c3n7n22n23n28t30a75rq1i1
= Channel 3 and 7 and 22 and 23 and 28 thru 30 at 75% record cue 1 upfade time 1
= SR Wash @ 75, fading over 1 second

Much as I love it, I can't believe there's less than a month now until these shows go up. I'm so far behind...

White water rafting

For a few days at least, I was totally sure I knew what I wanted, and
nothing was going to get in my way. But then you sat a little closer,
smiled a little more, and it all flew out the window. Now I'm stuck
with too many choices; all desirable in their own way, yes, but still
more than I care to comprehend. If i've been ignoring you all this
time, I'm sorry.

.: iPod :.

My week...yay!

Sunday
Church
Tech paperwork/Programming
Orchestra

Monday
My one day off so far...

Tuesday
Amazingly Awesome Techieness! (aka, t-shirts!)

Wednesday
Mamma Mia! Lights Run-through
Coffee House Concert
Faust

Thursday
Band Practice
Driving Lesson
Able Making
Orchestra

Friday
I know there's something...but WHAT???

Saturday
Jubilee Strike
Party!

J

You know, this whole experience has been a great trial of my patience and ability to be happy. I’m really starting to see where my weaknesses lie, and what I need to fix so as to not affect negatively those around me.

I’ve decided to stop counting the days it’s been. Knowing a number isn’t going to change a single thing, so why bother? Does a number of days quantify my longing for you? Does it make things better? 80 days is really no different from 90 or 100 days, so why do I need to worry about one more? In the end, I’m simply going to miss you all the greater, regardless of how time passes. Perhaps I miss you as much as I did on the first day, perhaps more, and maybe even less. But does it matter? I still miss you with all my heart; the past is gone, and all I want to think about is the present and future.

For my birthday, I think there is only one thing I want. You can probably guess what that is. Sure I hardly have time for anything anymore, but this is one thing I would MAKE time for. To see you again, with fresh knowledge of how I look in your eyes would be simply the greatest thing. To look at you, to see your mouth articulate the words that I have only been able to read on a screen for so long would be a miracle beyond description.

“Nothing almost sees miracles, but misery”
- William Shakespeare, King Lear

For those of you who aren’t totally in love with Shakespeare, what is being said is that when faced with misery, even the smallest and most insignificant things can be seen as miracles.

To see your smile, hear your laugh, watch you talk; they are such small things that you would hardly take notice – until you lose them. To touch your arm, look in your eyes, feel your warmth; those are miracles.

I sometimes feel as if I am being disloyal to the one I love, giving thought to how others view me instead of simply being happy with your acceptance. But you’ve said yourself, multiple times, that you are not ‘involved’ with anyone at the moment. Well, define involved! Are you just as unsure about this road as I am?

And then, do I really love you? Can I truthfully say it? I’ve said it once before, and perhaps that was the reason that it didn’t last? I will likely never know truly what caused it, nor do I think there is really an answer. But I still stumble when I think about truly loving someone. At the time, I meant it with all my heart, even if my definition of love was incorrect. But now I can’t help but wonder if I have perhaps too quickly jumped to the conclusion of ‘love’?

Our adult counterparts often belittle youthful relationships as not being serious, viewing them as “puppy love”, and do not give them the full appreciation I believe they deserve. If we are truly not loving now, when will we truly learn what love is? Is there some magic time when a false feeling of love turns into something real? Does the love fairy come and visit adolescents in the night, bestowing upon them feelings of love?

Am I being silly in wanting to go visit someone I don’t know extremely well? To want to book a flight out to Vancouver Island to see someone who I as of yet can’t say I’m in love with? Will I be viewed as the romantic fool who threw away his life for love? Or will people look upon it as being a wise choice, putting love as the number one priority?

I have very few pictures of you. And as much as I don’t want to be a creeper, I try and stay connected to your life in the only way I can – Facebook. Yes, I found the most amazing picture of you, and I now carry it with me everywhere I go, and will happily show it to those who truly desire to see what I am so fascinated by. Those eyes…a miracle.

A promise – I said that I will come and visit you. I said that I will give you a hug on sight. That is all I desire.

I mentioned in one of my e-mails that I see your face everywhere. And that’s not a lie by any means. I see someone with a sweater like you have, I see someone with short hair, I see someone wearing a turk’s head. And my heart just leaps for joy, believing that she has at last come to make my life complete. But alas, it is never you. I long to see your face in all it’s living, non-photographic glory, but will that ever happen?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy, when skies are grey,

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you,

So please don’t take, my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, while I was sleeping,

I dreamt I held you in my arms,

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,

So I hung, my head, and I cried…”

And I really did dream of you. I never dream, and then suddenly, out of the blue, there you are. Right in front of me. Sure the dream was full of symbolism that I still have not been able to figure out, but it was the greatest dream I have ever had. Why? I got to kiss you.

I continue to miss you more than words can describe. I wake up in the morning, and I look at a picture of you, and it is the highlight of my day. To see you smile is a miracle I shall never forget.

Your eyes like great jewels radiating beauty,

Evermore shall glow within my soul,

Warming the very core of this hollow shell,

Until it is but a shimmering pool of love.

(Weak attempt at Shakespearian poetry...)

A, I’m sorry if you don’t like a specific physical attribute of hers, but please, kindly keep it to yourself. I just find it a little rude, ok? Thanks.

I was watching Faust last night, and there was a single scene that really got to me. I didn’t get to see all of it, though I really hope to see it in full soon, because it was just such a beautiful love scene that I wanted to cry. I am consistently amazed at how there are people who can so accurately put into words just how love feels, and this is yet another beautiful example. (We simply MUST go, or else)

You said you liked me. I said I liked you. Now what?

O how my heart longs to hear it’s love’s song…

Cos(life)

You know, there are times when I really don't know what to think anymore. It's nothing new that my mind jumps to conclusions way more often than it needs to, but I don't know, maybe once in a while it's right?

I've been trying to make it totally clear that I want nothing more than what we have right now. I do everything I can to keep it from looking like anything else, but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough. My emotions are basically a cosine graph; up and down, up and down, up and down. In fact, a lot of things about my life are parallelled by the cosine graph.

My longing for her? y= 0.5cosx+0.45
My energy? y= 3cosx-1
My overall happiness? y= 2cos(2x)
My paranoia? y= 0.1cosx+10

*sigh*

I guess right now, I'm realizing that I had a dream. And that dream will never come to fruition, and I've accepted that. But somehow, I see that exact dream being fulfilled in someone else's life, to such a high degree of accuracy, it doesn't matter if it's all a stupid scrap of paranoia, it's slowly tearing of a piece of my heart.
A while ago, I dreamt of how my life could look, and how it would all work out perfectly. Of course, the one little detail that was needed to put it all together decided not to show up for roll call, and it never happened. Time passed, and I was pretty much able to put it behind me. But then I see the thing that I wanted so badly starting to happen right in front of my eyes, and it's tearing me in two. (Then again, I could be seeing things, which wouldn't be too far off base).
One part of me couldn't be happier, seeing great people who deserve great things.
Then the other part loathes the happiness, and thinks that no one but Graham should be happy. I hate that part of myself, and I suppress it as much as I possibly can, but I'm sorry, it's not easy at all.

I really just wish you could fill in the blanks, I'm going crazy trying to guess at the answers.

:(