Shoot me now. Please

I never wanted any of this.

The drama, the hurt feelings, and the anger.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now, but I don't like it. I'm lying in bed, just trying to make sense of all the things going on, but I just can't. Everything is so jumbled, and it's so confusing.

I wanted it to be simple and easy, I didn't want to have to deal with this sort of thing. I found amazing friends, and I thought it would be great, but now I find that it comes at a cost.

I need a break from it all, and that's why I'm looking forward to this so much. I just want to have time when no one is going to bug me, when I can just be myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. Lately I have no idea what I'm thinking, or where I'm going, I just wander in circles until I bump into something that makes sense.

I want to hug someone, and feel their warmth, and just to cry with them and understand what all is going on.

I've been hurt so much by all of these things going on, and I don't even know who's to blame. I don't know what hurts.

I want to scream in frustration so much right now. I want to just sob until my eyes run dry. I'm such an emotional wreck right now.

I feel like I've lost everything.

I'm paranoid beyond belief.

I want everything to revolve around ME.

I need to understand why I'm still feeling this way.


I still haven't given up those feelings, and I wish I could. If you asked me today, in all seriousness, I think I'd say yes. I will never, ever ask. But there's that tiny part, the 0.001% error inside of me that hasn't given up yet, that's going to fight until the day I die. And it hurts, so much. Sharp, hot blades as you press them into my chest, surrounded by the anaesthetic of the other, gentle words. They still hurt, they still leave a mark.

I want this so badly, I'm dreaming of it day and night. It's what keeps me awake during the day, and when I'm trying to sleep. I've waited longer than anyone should ever have to wait, and now, at last, I seem to be on my way.

But what if my destination isn't what I'm expecting? I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, and it scares me.

And I'm scared that I'm just doing this for the feeling.

Am I going to be ok with the challenges, the time, the distance?

I am so messed up. I need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat, go into a coma for a day, and wake up refreshed and ready to do shows. But that's not going to happen. I'm going to struggle to finish each of these horribly long days, sleeping in classes and exhausting myself to the breaking point.

I'm stupid and I'm fucked.

I have no idea what I should do about all of this now. Tomorrow will probably be extremely awkward, and I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest. I honestly just want to be over and done with this show so we can all move on and get back to our lives. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it!

Why do I find myself hating him? Like, complete and utter loathing?

Because I still can't shake that feeling. Of getting second place.

Of being REplaced.

I want to smash something again.

All those guys who went all postal at their schools? I think I can finally associate with them. It's this kind of untamed anger and frustration that is just so awful that you need to let it go.

And something needs to give.

A tiny bit escaped today, that tiny little rant about why things played out as they did.

Yes, the tiny rant. There's more where that came from. This is a part of it.

You know, I'm still really angry about a lot of things. Like why I still have no idea why certain things had to happen, when they happened. Or why I never get explanations, just apologies. Or how people assume that I just know everything, or that I don't want them around, or that they're being annoying.

Seriously, if I don't want you around, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL.

I'm very good at hiding. I hide many things.

Lots of things.

I don't know what to say to any of you. I want to go into the back back room and bang my head repeatedly against the cement wall. I want to climb to the top of the pillar and jump down, and feel the stinging pain shoot up my legs from the impact. I want to hit my finger with a hammer, and feel that hot searing pain wash over my body. I want to know what a kiss feels like for once in my life. I want to be shocked by an electrical outlet and have the tingle in my arms. I want to have the wind knocked out of me and ache all over. I want to block out the entire world.

I shouldn't post any of this.

I'll be taken away to a mental institute for sure.