Where to begin?

I'm really starting to wonder who I am now. I can't count on anything to be the same, nor can I cound on myself to deal with the changes. I'm second guessing myself about every decision I make, which keeps me from doing anything really...

Of anything in the world, it's my friends I want to value the most. In all honesty, I take my family and beliefs for granted, because I have always had them. Not so for friends. I care about you more than anything, and honestly, I would do anything for you. I've mentioned a few times that you can (and should) text me any time, day or night. I would gladly talk to you at three in the morning, even go find coffee somewhere if you wanted. There is nothing more important in my life than you.

More than ever, I feel like I've really messed up. All it takes is one little thing, and I'm way off the edge. Talking openly to my friends is one of the few things that can calm me down.

For example, I went sailing for ten days, as you have obviously heard. The night before I left, I felt like I should make a special point of saying goodbye to my closest friends. A was on MSN, so I said bye to him, but M was not. I sent her a text message saying goodbye, and also just checking that everything was going well. So I guess I was more than a little disappointed when I still hadn't received a reply the next day. Of course, I had already warned that my phone would be off for the duration of the trip, so it was my fault really. Either way, it left me feeling like a friendship was being threatened, and I snapped. When I returned to our cabin, I wrote about my trip and all, but in my final paragraph, concluded with the statement, "maybe I got my revenge though, because for once, I hardly thought about you."

Someone slap me already!!!

I didn't mean it, I wrote while I was angry, and I am so sorry. I did think about you specifically, and I really wish you could have been there. You would have loved it. All it took was for me to just have some time talking to friends, and I completely forgot about the whole thing. Now I feel like a jerk all over again. I am so sorry, and I really don't want this to become a habit...

Another major life change that took place on the boat was that I got to see Jenny again. A very wise person noted that a lot can change in a year. A lot does. And yet, thankfully there are things that also stay the same. This was one instance of that. I really don't know if there are words that can adequately express my feelings of grief and loss now that we are thousands of miles apart. I had to constantly remind myself of this in order to keep myself from taking actions that would undoubtedly hurt me in the near future. Yet whenever we sang that happy refrain of,
"I would walk 500 miles,
And I would walk 500 more,
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door..."
I found that something in me wasn't just singing the words, but that I was actually singing them to her, with complete and utter honesty. Now the memories are fading like a sunset, and no matter how many pictures I take, it will never be quite like being there.


And now I'm at Shuswap, disconnected from all those I miss the most, and entering the uncomfortable spiral of self-pity that is going to kill me one of these days. If there were a viable way for me to come home right this instant, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. I want nothing more than to give you a hug, and to just have, at the very least, a day to hang out with my very best friends. If you feel so inclined, the sound of an incoming text is music to my ears. Other than that, I'll just continue sitting in this tent, longing for the day that I come home.