To whom it may concern;

I'm writing more on www.bloggingbackstage.com now, though with all my theatre stuff, it's getting more and more difficult to keep it updated...

I have a friend who is a special kind of insane. One who thinks like no one I have ever met, whose logic can either solidify or shatter their own arguments, and greatest shortcoming is their very own mind. He is the kind of genius we reserve for films and fiction, yet he is living in this very world. I sometimes wonder, though, if that is the kind of man the world needs.

He was once a much closer friend than he is now. To say that he is even a friend now could be to push the boundaries of exaggeration. The name sits idly by in contact lists and friend feeds, but behind the mask of relative silence and slow progression, I know there is a bubbling mass of thought that I could only hope to cultivate.

I need not tell you his name, though perhaps by the end of this description you will know who it is that I am talking about. For those of you who think it could be myself I speak of, fear not, for I am not that vain and self centred to write about myself in such a fashion. No, he is but merely a satellite about my life, but one which still carries significant information.

Unaware, he may be, of my writing of him at this very minute, but knowing me as he full well does, I would expect that he has picked up the subtleties of this text and realized full well that it is him that I speak of. You see, I keep an extensive collection of information at my fingertips at all time. Emails numbering in the thousands, text messages in a steady stream, and hundreds of megabytes of data stream through the air to my laptop. I also have subscriptions to the casual writings of various people I have encountered, and keep track of each one through the system of RSS. Now I'm sure I have bored most of you to tears with that, so let's get back to the main argument.

This man, this genius, and friend, may have all but forgotten I exist.

He will also one day, I believe, change the world.


You see, radical thinking is paramount in this economy, yet no one seems to take any part in it! That is why I often read, with much trepidation, each and every published word from this man. To think, that he could, on a whim, end a relationship without even knowing the true reason behind it?

I suppose I cannot fully comment on the situation, seeing as I have not been briefed on the details, but I suggest that it was simply a complete and utter faith in his own self that it came from. To sense a feeling within oneself, and to fully and completely trust it, and to act on it, is something extremely exciting, to me at least.

I must,  however, leave this analysis for another time. To my friend, a drink or two, perhaps?

In retrospect, there are a lot of things that could have been done a whole lot better. But oh well, too late for that now, guess I've got to clean up the mess and try all over. Somehow I always end up the villain in my mind.

So I've finally found someone who can actually put into words (and video) the complete story of my life. It's sad, though a little comforting, to know that there are at least others out there in my shoes. But still, what the hell? Could everyone in the world (or at least those who read this) take a break from facebooking and just watch this three part thing? Might help you understand what a lot of guys go through.

Part one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI

Imagine, if you will, that I am confused. A horribly impossible thought for you I'm sure.

I haven't been swimming in months. Actually, I think that, other than hot tubbing (which I don't count as swimming any more than I do a shower) the last time I was swimming was on the summer sailing trip. That's not that important really. What I'm getting at is that it feels a little like I'm swimming through life right now, and not in the happy perfect world sort of way.

It all started where many things in life start. The end. The completion of a year of my life with a girl I loved very much, and had enjoyed a great deal of time with, both virtually and physically. Now this post is not a complaint about this either, there's enough of that out there. Even on this blog.

What I'm very laboriously getting at is that I've lost my direction following that incident. Yes, I'm still chasing the theatre dream, and that's not going anywhere, but there is more to life than just school and future careers. I'm really concerned about my relationships with others right now, there's been too much sudden change, and I don't think all is well.

The crappy part about being in school is that no one else is. That's a lie I suppose, but it's like, the people who aren't there are the ones I think about and miss the most. I've drifted from two of the three closest people in my life, and I don't know how I can fix that. I'm doing my best to work step by step to recover from that, but I don't know where to start. I try to make the time, I really do. Everyone knows how insane my schedule is, I'm honest to goodness booking in December right now, it's that nuts. However, the inner nucleus of my orbital friend sphere should know that they get top booking in that calendar; nearly any appointment can be moved...

Tech has been interesting. I'm back in the "like-them-but-not-sure-what-they're-thinking" mode yet again, and it's so exhausting! Figures I'd be the organized one, and assign numbers derived from how long I've liked them for... Number one, well, I'm just waiting on a status report. Number two, you're looking to be the best bet so far, but you're switching diversities back and forth worse than the Sennheiser during Witness! (Techie joke, translated means: giving different impressions back and forth all the time). If only I had the balls to just ask you and get this whole thing just sorted out. Number three, well, I think you're just being friendly. Besides, you already have a boyfriend.

And then number zero (? not liking that notation), I wish that had gone a whole lot better, now I just feel awkward for saying anything. Yeaaaahhhh.... (wtf?)

Wow, anger Graham, let's tone it down

I wish there was some way I could tell people the truth about who I am, and yet the arguments for and against are nowhere near finished battling it out. More discussion on this in certain other forums later. Not that you know what that means (except you, the exception to the rule).

I suppose I could continue blogging on the bb.com site, but I just seriously don't feel like it anymore. Night all

Just like that, a new blog is born!

I have a pretty good feeling that this blog will pretty much cease to exist following this post, but we'll see where I end up. I'm also considering purchasing a domain name, but again, things come with time. But enough about that, and on to the blog!

http://bloggingbackstage.blogspot.com

More upgrades!

It's interesting to see that, even after months of not a thing being written on this blog, people still visit in the off chance that there may be something new. So, I guess with all the free time I have now (yeah right) I might as well do some writing.

Question is, what about? There are billions of blogs; what's going to set mine apart? Sure, complaining about my love life can be entertaining to read, but really, there's enough of that. I could start a food blog, but I have a feeling at least one reader would give me a death glare. So why not just do with what I do best? Wait, now I'm trying to figure out what that is...

I do a lot of tech. My life is about to become very much all about tech. So, I think it's time I start a new blog. Something...gaffy. I'll repost when I know what that looks like...

Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? Am I just not understanding some invisible signs around me?

Now that I'm really thinking about it, maybe something really is wrong. I really don't want to jump to any conclusions on anything, but maybe I should be trusting my gut on this one. Has it really, truly come to this? I mean, c'mon, less than 48 hours away from 365 days, and this is where we are? I mean, sure I'm no expert in these things, but surely this isn't what is supposed to be happening right?

If I'm totally off base with this, please, I'm begging you, yank me out of my misery, set me back on track. I know that sometimes my head plays games with me, so if it's a lie please let me know.

But the more I think about it, the more real it becomes. I would much rather have a broken heart than a broken relationship, but it seems that is what it's come to. I'm sure many of the thoughts in my head are simply misunderstandings and over-exaggerations, but I can't help but see application to them. Maybe it really is over. TELL ME, PLEASE.

I have no idea what's going on. I've very clearly laid out my emotions on the table, I've thrown away every last shard of dignity in the hope that it would complete things, but perhaps it has come too late, or worse, has done more harm than good.

I told you I love you, and they are the truest words I have ever said. Yet if you decide that you cannot love me, then have at the very least the kindness to inform me of it.

I really hope I'm wrong.

Bleagh

I just got home from a crazy hilarious movie, "The Hangover", and now
I feel like total shit. I am completely phych-drunk. It seems to
happen a lot when people around me are drunk and enjoying themselves.
Problem is, it's now almost 1 in the morning, I said I'd be at the
school by 9, and I am so totally wired it's insane. I had an awesome
afternoon, hanging out with my best friend and just doing whatever.
Now I'm wishing I could turn it off and go to sleep. Stupid sour
cherry blaster candies, you make me sick...

In other news, I really can't think of a lot else to say, but I'm
going to keep writing until I can't anymore. Like right about now,
okay? C'mon Graham, you can do this, fall asleep now!

You know how much I'd love to talk to someone..anyone right now? I
just...bleagh. No stupid ipod, I'm not saying bleach, I'm saying
bleagh, it's an expression of how I'm feeling. And I'm totally pissed
off that I forgot my sunglasses at the theatre. Like, c'mon, how
stupid is that?

Grr. I feel so crappy right now I want to puke. What is going on with
me? I need to make my brain shut up some days. Like, seriously, where
do some of my ideas come from?

Not going to England. Kind of glad about that actually, I gives me a
lot more freedom this summer. Well, 2 weeks anyways. And hopefully,
that freedom might yield a visit! Gah, I'm so excited...

Still wide awake, time is 1:10AM. I wonder if anyone is awake right
this moment. And of course I'm too scared to text anyone in case I
wake them up, because seriously, other than feeling like crap, there's
nothing wrong. My heartbeat is through the roof, my chest aches, and
my head is throbbing, plus the disgusting pit of gross-ness that is my
stomach churning away in my gut. I'm just a perfectly happy camper,
aren't I?

So I just updated my status, maybe, hopefully there's someone out
there who will see it and will text me. Melissa, why aren't you
reading my mind???

I seriously don't know why I go on like this all the time. But hey,
you're entertained aren't you? Considering it's my first post in...ages?

Meh, I've had enough of this. There might be more another time or in
another place, but don't worry if that maketh no sense, you will find
out all you need to know in due course.

Graham Kingsley
Sir Winston Churchill High School
(403) 809-9544
CanadianScouter@gmail.com

And since you're reading this, now would be an acceptable time to text me so I can attempt to explain that better... ;)