.: Consider the following :.

2010-03-04T15:00:00.001-07:00

To whom it may concern;

I'm writing more on www.bloggingbackstage.com now, though with all my theatre stuff, it's getting more and more difficult to keep it updated...

2010-01-08T01:35:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who is a special kind of insane. One who thinks like no one I have ever met, whose logic can either solidify or shatter their own arguments, and greatest shortcoming is their very own mind. He is the kind of genius we reserve for films and fiction, yet he is living in this very world. I sometimes wonder, though, if that is the kind of man the world needs.

He was once a much closer friend than he is now. To say that he is even a friend now could be to push the boundaries of exaggeration. The name sits idly by in contact lists and friend feeds, but behind the mask of relative silence and slow progression, I know there is a bubbling mass of thought that I could only hope to cultivate.

I need not tell you his name, though perhaps by the end of this description you will know who it is that I am talking about. For those of you who think it could be myself I speak of, fear not, for I am not that vain and self centred to write about myself in such a fashion. No, he is but merely a satellite about my life, but one which still carries significant information.

Unaware, he may be, of my writing of him at this very minute, but knowing me as he full well does, I would expect that he has picked up the subtleties of this text and realized full well that it is him that I speak of. You see, I keep an extensive collection of information at my fingertips at all time. Emails numbering in the thousands, text messages in a steady stream, and hundreds of megabytes of data stream through the air to my laptop. I also have subscriptions to the casual writings of various people I have encountered, and keep track of each one through the system of RSS. Now I'm sure I have bored most of you to tears with that, so let's get back to the main argument.

This man, this genius, and friend, may have all but forgotten I exist.

He will also one day, I believe, change the world.

You see, radical thinking is paramount in this economy, yet no one seems to take any part in it! That is why I often read, with much trepidation, each and every published word from this man. To think, that he could, on a whim, end a relationship without even knowing the true reason behind it?

I suppose I cannot fully comment on the situation, seeing as I have not been briefed on the details, but I suggest that it was simply a complete and utter faith in his own self that it came from. To sense a feeling within oneself, and to fully and completely trust it, and to act on it, is something extremely exciting, to me at least.

I must, however, leave this analysis for another time. To my friend, a drink or two, perhaps?

2009-11-09T00:06:00.002-07:00

In retrospect, there are a lot of things that could have been done a whole lot better. But oh well, too late for that now, guess I've got to clean up the mess and try all over. Somehow I always end up the villain in my mind.

2009-10-19T22:43:00.002-06:00

So I've finally found someone who can actually put into words (and video) the complete story of my life. It's sad, though a little comforting, to know that there are at least others out there in my shoes. But still, what the hell? Could everyone in the world (or at least those who read this) take a break from facebooking and just watch this three part thing? Might help you understand what a lot of guys go through.

Part one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI

2009-10-15T23:23:00.000-06:00

Imagine, if you will, that I am confused. A horribly impossible thought for you I'm sure.

I haven't been swimming in months. Actually, I think that, other than hot tubbing (which I don't count as swimming any more than I do a shower) the last time I was swimming was on the summer sailing trip. That's not that important really. What I'm getting at is that it feels a little like I'm swimming through life right now, and not in the happy perfect world sort of way.

It all started where many things in life start. The end. The completion of a year of my life with a girl I loved very much, and had enjoyed a great deal of time with, both virtually and physically. Now this post is not a complaint about this either, there's enough of that out there. Even on this blog.

What I'm very laboriously getting at is that I've lost my direction following that incident. Yes, I'm still chasing the theatre dream, and that's not going anywhere, but there is more to life than just school and future careers. I'm really concerned about my relationships with others right now, there's been too much sudden change, and I don't think all is well.

The crappy part about being in school is that no one else is. That's a lie I suppose, but it's like, the people who aren't there are the ones I think about and miss the most. I've drifted from two of the three closest people in my life, and I don't know how I can fix that. I'm doing my best to work step by step to recover from that, but I don't know where to start. I try to make the time, I really do. Everyone knows how insane my schedule is, I'm honest to goodness booking in December right now, it's that nuts. However, the inner nucleus of my orbital friend sphere should know that they get top booking in that calendar; nearly any appointment can be moved...

Tech has been interesting. I'm back in the "like-them-but-not-sure-what-they're-thinking" mode yet again, and it's so exhausting! Figures I'd be the organized one, and assign numbers derived from how long I've liked them for... Number one, well, I'm just waiting on a status report. Number two, you're looking to be the best bet so far, but you're switching diversities back and forth worse than the Sennheiser during Witness! (Techie joke, translated means: giving different impressions back and forth all the time). If only I had the balls to just ask you and get this whole thing just sorted out. Number three, well, I think you're just being friendly. Besides, you already have a boyfriend.

And then number zero (? not liking that notation), I wish that had gone a whole lot better, now I just feel awkward for saying anything. Yeaaaahhhh.... (wtf?)

Wow, anger Graham, let's tone it down

I wish there was some way I could tell people the truth about who I am, and yet the arguments for and against are nowhere near finished battling it out. More discussion on this in certain other forums later. Not that you know what that means (except you, the exception to the rule).

I suppose I could continue blogging on the bb.com site, but I just seriously don't feel like it anymore. Night all

2009-09-20T00:16:00.000-06:00

Just like that, a new blog is born!

I have a pretty good feeling that this blog will pretty much cease to exist following this post, but we'll see where I end up. I'm also considering purchasing a domain name, but again, things come with time. But enough about that, and on to the blog!

http://bloggingbackstage.blogspot.com

More upgrades!

2009-09-19T22:48:00.003-06:00

It's interesting to see that, even after months of not a thing being written on this blog, people still visit in the off chance that there may be something new. So, I guess with all the free time I have now (yeah right) I might as well do some writing.

Question is, what about? There are billions of blogs; what's going to set mine apart? Sure, complaining about my love life can be entertaining to read, but really, there's enough of that. I could start a food blog, but I have a feeling at least one reader would give me a death glare. So why not just do with what I do best? Wait, now I'm trying to figure out what that is...

I do a lot of tech. My life is about to become very much all about tech. So, I think it's time I start a new blog. Something...gaffy. I'll repost when I know what that looks like...

2009-09-14T22:48:00.002-06:00

Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? Am I just not understanding some invisible signs around me?

Now that I'm really thinking about it, maybe something really is wrong. I really don't want to jump to any conclusions on anything, but maybe I should be trusting my gut on this one. Has it really, truly come to this? I mean, c'mon, less than 48 hours away from 365 days, and this is where we are? I mean, sure I'm no expert in these things, but surely this isn't what is supposed to be happening right?

If I'm totally off base with this, please, I'm begging you, yank me out of my misery, set me back on track. I know that sometimes my head plays games with me, so if it's a lie please let me know.

But the more I think about it, the more real it becomes. I would much rather have a broken heart than a broken relationship, but it seems that is what it's come to. I'm sure many of the thoughts in my head are simply misunderstandings and over-exaggerations, but I can't help but see application to them. Maybe it really is over. TELL ME, PLEASE.

I have no idea what's going on. I've very clearly laid out my emotions on the table, I've thrown away every last shard of dignity in the hope that it would complete things, but perhaps it has come too late, or worse, has done more harm than good.

I told you I love you, and they are the truest words I have ever said. Yet if you decide that you cannot love me, then have at the very least the kindness to inform me of it.

I really hope I'm wrong.

Bleagh

2009-06-24T01:20:00.003-06:00

I just got home from a crazy hilarious movie, "The Hangover", and now
I feel like total shit. I am completely phych-drunk. It seems to
happen a lot when people around me are drunk and enjoying themselves.
Problem is, it's now almost 1 in the morning, I said I'd be at the
school by 9, and I am so totally wired it's insane. I had an awesome
afternoon, hanging out with my best friend and just doing whatever.
Now I'm wishing I could turn it off and go to sleep. Stupid sour
cherry blaster candies, you make me sick...

In other news, I really can't think of a lot else to say, but I'm
going to keep writing until I can't anymore. Like right about now,
okay? C'mon Graham, you can do this, fall asleep now!

You know how much I'd love to talk to someone..anyone right now? I
just...bleagh. No stupid ipod, I'm not saying bleach, I'm saying
bleagh, it's an expression of how I'm feeling. And I'm totally pissed
off that I forgot my sunglasses at the theatre. Like, c'mon, how
stupid is that?

Grr. I feel so crappy right now I want to puke. What is going on with
me? I need to make my brain shut up some days. Like, seriously, where
do some of my ideas come from?

Not going to England. Kind of glad about that actually, I gives me a
lot more freedom this summer. Well, 2 weeks anyways. And hopefully,
that freedom might yield a visit! Gah, I'm so excited...

Still wide awake, time is 1:10AM. I wonder if anyone is awake right
this moment. And of course I'm too scared to text anyone in case I
wake them up, because seriously, other than feeling like crap, there's
nothing wrong. My heartbeat is through the roof, my chest aches, and
my head is throbbing, plus the disgusting pit of gross-ness that is my
stomach churning away in my gut. I'm just a perfectly happy camper,
aren't I?

So I just updated my status, maybe, hopefully there's someone out
there who will see it and will text me. Melissa, why aren't you
reading my mind???

I seriously don't know why I go on like this all the time. But hey,
you're entertained aren't you? Considering it's my first post in...ages?

Meh, I've had enough of this. There might be more another time or in
another place, but don't worry if that maketh no sense, you will find
out all you need to know in due course.

Graham Kingsley
Sir Winston Churchill High School
(403) 809-9544
CanadianScouter@gmail.com

2009-05-26T22:46:00.001-06:00

And since you're reading this, now would be an acceptable time to text me so I can attempt to explain that better... ;)

2009-05-26T21:21:00.002-06:00

So I've been wary of saying anything at all about this because I know that it could be mis-construed so easily, or taken the wrong way, or cause a change, and I don't want any of that. But sometimes I think the best way I'm going to figure this out is to just write a huge long rant and see what happens. So let's see what happens.

Today marks the 60 day anniversary of not seeing each other. Yay me!

That's right folks, I'm in a relationship, and I haven't seen her in 60 whole days! Or 1440 Hours! Or 5 184 000 seconds!

To be perfectly honest, it's brutal. But totally not in the way you'd expect. But this is where we enter the Bermuda Triangle of me-trying-not-to-fuck-everything-up-by-saying-the-wrong-thing-on-my-blog.

The hardest part for me is seeing other couples. That's pretty much it.

I love that some of my closest friends have found someone, and I smile every time I see how happy they are. I feel like some sort of proud parent who is watching their kid grow up, and they've finally found something that makes them truly happy.

For the most part, I can contain it and life moves on as normal. Everything kept in check.

But now things have gone off the deep end a bit, and I'm losing my grip.

Grad was probably when it started. The combination of grad dates, hookups and make outs has driven me ever closer to that line of totally gone. I love seeing two really nice people dressed up and looking their best, walking around enjoying themselves and each other, and having a great time. Grad is a very significant time of our lives, and we're all going to remember it for the rest of our lives. The thing is, I'm a little miffed that I can't spend the 3rd most important day of my life with the person that I care about the most! (For the record, getting married and the grand opening of my theatre are tied for first place). I would have enjoyed the night that much more if I could have just cuddled by that fire pit with her rather than being the one who pours more shots and keeps the fire going.

And with it being spring and all, those other relationships just seem to come out of the woodwork like nobody's business. Not that I mind, heck, I'm probably the biggest closet romantic around. But for some reason seeing a couple making out on a bench, or kissing before going to class, or holding hands as they slowly walk down the sidewalk is just...difficult. I do my very best to just ignore it (as much as is acceptable), because I know that if I were in their position, I wouldn't want to have to stop. Frankly, I think it would bother me more if people stopped doing those things out of respect or compassion or whatever you want to call it, for me, than if they continued doing it. That probably makes no sense.

I just miss her, and seeing other people enjoying what I have but can't enjoy is murder some days. Like today.

I've pretty much planned out everything I want to say and do, but now I have to wait. If I can get my parents to let us drive, it'll be another 43 days. Can you imagine over 100 days without seeing the one you love? At least it's shorter than last time, a whole 230 days...

I don't know what else there is to say. Simply put, I'm tired, and that's making me angry at people being able to hold hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend. But I would also be just as mad, if not more so, if people stopped. Therefore the whole argument is moot and I just made you lose brain cells for no reason whatsoever. So that was stupid.

I'm Yours

2009-04-30T20:11:00.003-06:00

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours

And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

Home

2009-04-27T21:08:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking back to that trip a lot lately, remembering little moments that, at the time, just pass you by.

Walking around the island, noticing that our steps are always in sync, that our pace is identical.

The moment of "this is right"

Seeing her for the first time in months, walking into the airport, shaking all the way down the escalator, so unsure of what's behind the frosted doors.

The first hug, the last hug.

I would love to even just be able to play back those few days, and relive every moment. To sleep in a room a few thousand millimeters away instead of a few thousand kilometers. To just feel every moment again and again.

This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
(This Is Home, Switchfoot)

I so desperately want this to work, and I want to be happy with every moment of it.

2009-04-14T20:08:00.002-06:00

So I recently updated a part of my information box on Facebook. When you think about it, how significant can it be? It's only Facebook, right?

Well, maybe, but I choose to believe otherwise.

♥ Graham is in a relationship with Jenny Fo · Comment · Like

To me, that's pretty much the only way that I can really publicly say that it's there. Obviously I don't feel the need to make every single person in the world know what's going on in my life, but I do want there to be some understanding, some semblance of order in my life.

What I'm trying to get at is this. Yes it's a long distance relationship. Yes it's hard. Yes she's my girlfriend. Yes I miss her more than anything.

But because we can't be side by side every moment of every day, what is there anchoring me to reality? How can I make it clear to people that I'm not just making this up, that it exists?

For me, I like having things in writing. I like it when it's stated totally clear, when there's no doubts anywhere, and when there's something to read and look at. By making that one change on Facebook, it's a tiny way for me to say, "yeah, this is real, that's the truth."

When I can look and see that, it just gives me an ever so brief moment of heart pounding joy

230

2009-03-21T22:00:00.002-06:00

It's been 230 days since I last heard your voice. Today, just before I picked up the phone, I tried to remember what it sounded like, and I honestly couldn't remember. I was so concerned that I wouldn't recognize it when I heard it.

I'm so phobic of talking on the phone for some reason, and it took so long to finally dial that number. Sorry, I was shaking a little, and I just wanted to pass the phone along to my parents as quick as possible. Now I wish I had stayed and talked...

But there were a few seconds where I could hear your voice again, and it made me so happy. I miss you so much :)

My Dream

2009-03-15T14:33:00.002-06:00

You know, for the past few days, there's something I've thought about a lot (besides spring break!), and that is my idea of owning a theatre. I honestly can't shake the idea of having a place that I own, where I can do exactly what I want on my own terms.

There are people who want to be doctors, for example. They work so hard in school to have the training and certification to be able to call themselves doctors, and then they go out into the world, in an attempt to turn their passion into a career. Many of these doctors will go to work in a hospital or a clinic, or maybe go to another country and provide medical assistance there. There are also those who decide instead to start up their own practice, and to have an office with their name on the front door that they own themselves.

That's what I want. I want to pick a city or town, buy a plot of land, and literally start from scratch. I want to build a gigantic theatre that every touring production will want to visit, one with the greatest hand-picked crews, one with only the very best equipment, a theatre with a residence built right on the side where crew and performers can stay in comfort.

It would be a theatre where you never know what to expect. The entrance is at the top of a set of stairs, lit by classical streetlamps with big warm white christmas lights strung between them. You would arrive at the front entrance and be invited in by large polished brass doors. Immediately when you enter, there is a sense of warmth and belonging, and you are transported to a world where anything is possible.

Your ticket is carefully torn by a smiling usher, as you will want to keep the stub as a memento for years to come. In the lobby, people are generally milling about, though in no rush to get anywhere. Portraits and biographies of the cast and crew are hung on the walls, and guests are entertained by the humorous tidbits they find in each one, and the biographies are changed nearly every show so that even regular patrons have something new to look at. Plush chairs and couches are scattered throughout the lobby, and a few patrons decide to sit in them for a few minutes before the show begins.

The walls are various warm earth tones, but the floor and ceiling are a different matter. The floor is a beautiful ebony hardwood that has been meticulously polished, reflecting back the wide-eyed face of the young child who is entranced by his surroundings. The ceiling shimmers like millions of stars, and the ethereal swoop of the aurora borealis lightly dances among the stars. A delicate chandeliere hangs in the center of the lobby, casting a warm glow on the expectant audience.

At the appointed hour, a set of ushers begin their choreographed house opening procedure. 5 sets of magnificent oak doors are pulled open, and the lights inside the the theatre fade on, beckoning the audience to enter. More ushers, ready to help guests to their seats, stand smiling at their posts all the way down the hall. Feeling the pull of the theatre, the audience quiets to an awed whisper as they find their seats, looking all around them at the lofty ceiling, and the thick red curtains that conceal the show they are so looking forward to seeing.

Once the audience has been seated, and starting time has been reached, the house lights begin their practiced fade, and the energy in the theatre intensifies exponentially. The show has begun.

Backstage, actors have spent the past few hours preparing for yet another show, and are quietly waiting in the wings for their entrance. Video monitors are at various points where the actors congregate, allowing them to watch and listen for their entrance. They have practiced for months now, and know every cue and line by heart.

The tech crew is calmly awaiting their first cues that will come through their lightweight personal wireless headsets. A fly crew is ready and waiting on the 60 line-set fly rail, thinking through the actions they've done thousands of times already. The running crew are invisible as they stand against the wall in their blacks, listening to the usual pre-show headset chatter, and ensuring that all their props are in position. Their movements have been practiced day in and day out, and they never miss a change or a cue, and will never make a sound. The follow spot operators are flexing their fingers, ready for the lightning fast follows they'll have to do, and the quick changers are checking every stitch for the hundredth time, ensuring that no costume goes onstage torn.

The lighting booth is serene as the finger of the lighting op hovers over the GO button on a pristine ETC Congo, a list of cues meticulously programmed ready to go. They check the dimmer status module again, watching the temperatures as they hover right where they always do in the green. They reach into their filing cabinet and pull out a single Bernard Callebeaut chocolate that they silently savor.

The sound op brings up his first show cue, and the sliders silently jump to their programmed positions, anticipating all the levels they'll need to set in the coming hours. Carefully chosen house music moves the audience closer and closer to a musical climax in expectation of the performance, and the green indicator lights of wireless microphones flash excitedly, silently translating the excited words of actors further backstage.

The stage manager peers at yet another video feed, watching the man running from his taxi into the lobby, where ushers kindly then show him to his seat. An infrared camera shows that all the actors are in their places, and another in the orchestra pit confirms the same of the musicians. The SM gently presses the call button, which emits a gentle buzz that immediately stops all the headset conversations. Giving the maestro the cue, the orchestra tunes a third time, and the calls being.

Ready all cues
Orchestra begins
Light cue 4 Go
Fly cue 1 Go

The red drapes gently lift off from the stage, and to the awe of the audience, this staged world is suddenly reality.

Light cue 5 Go
Actors On
Sound cue 1 Ready

The play begins, actors enter and leave the stage, lights fade up and down, the audience laughs and cries, running crews sneak on and off, and this reality is suspended, held by the commitment of the performers and crew, and accepted by the awed audience.

At the end, the actors make their bows, followed by the technicians. A standing ovation continues for several minutes as the actors and crew bow repeatedly, beaming in happiness at the outstanding performance.

And when that is all over, the audience leaves, back through those oak doors, across the ebony floor, down the stairs, and into their cars, where they excitedly talk about the show they just saw.

The performers applaud one for another outstanding performance, put their costumes carefully away in the wardrobe room, and slowly make their way towards the backstage bar. Family and friends cheer when they see the actors and crew enter, and everyone takes a seat in the room, enjoying a drink to cool them down after the show. The conversations grow louder as time wears on, until the stage manager steps onto a raised platform, and the hubub quickly dies out. Notes are given en mass, and for 15 minutes everyone is completely focused on the notes the SM is giving. The microphone is then passed onto another member of the group, who gives a short speech of praise for a fellow actor/technician, and then awards them the trophy that passes between every person in the room at some time or another.

With all the official business finished, cast and crew begin to say goodnight and disperse to their dormitories, where they will be able to sleep comfortably in anticipation of another performance the next day.

Everyone is completely committed to the performance, and will do whatever it takes to make it totally amazing.

And with the theatre silent, the owner walks through his theatre, flipping up that one seat that didn't quite make it all the way up, putting away the roll of gaff someone mistakenly left out, and stands centre stage. Looking out at his theatre, he brings his watch up, checks the time, and at exactly 1AM, the lights fade out, leaving a single bright night light casting a faint glow on the entire theatre. He turns, walks offstage, says goodnight to the few runners still chatting outside the bar, rings the elevator, and pushes the button for his room. The elevator pulls him up to the top floor where he disembarks, and quietly gets changes for sleep.

Another day in the theatre.

Shoot me now. Please

2009-03-02T22:34:00.003-07:00

I never wanted any of this.

The drama, the hurt feelings, and the anger.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now, but I don't like it. I'm lying in bed, just trying to make sense of all the things going on, but I just can't. Everything is so jumbled, and it's so confusing.

I wanted it to be simple and easy, I didn't want to have to deal with this sort of thing. I found amazing friends, and I thought it would be great, but now I find that it comes at a cost.

I need a break from it all, and that's why I'm looking forward to this so much. I just want to have time when no one is going to bug me, when I can just be myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. Lately I have no idea what I'm thinking, or where I'm going, I just wander in circles until I bump into something that makes sense.

I want to hug someone, and feel their warmth, and just to cry with them and understand what all is going on.

I've been hurt so much by all of these things going on, and I don't even know who's to blame. I don't know what hurts.

I want to scream in frustration so much right now. I want to just sob until my eyes run dry. I'm such an emotional wreck right now.

I feel like I've lost everything.

I'm paranoid beyond belief.

I want everything to revolve around ME.

I need to understand why I'm still feeling this way.

I still haven't given up those feelings, and I wish I could. If you asked me today, in all seriousness, I think I'd say yes. I will never, ever ask. But there's that tiny part, the 0.001% error inside of me that hasn't given up yet, that's going to fight until the day I die. And it hurts, so much. Sharp, hot blades as you press them into my chest, surrounded by the anaesthetic of the other, gentle words. They still hurt, they still leave a mark.

I want this so badly, I'm dreaming of it day and night. It's what keeps me awake during the day, and when I'm trying to sleep. I've waited longer than anyone should ever have to wait, and now, at last, I seem to be on my way.

But what if my destination isn't what I'm expecting? I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, and it scares me.

And I'm scared that I'm just doing this for the feeling.

Am I going to be ok with the challenges, the time, the distance?

I am so messed up. I need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat, go into a coma for a day, and wake up refreshed and ready to do shows. But that's not going to happen. I'm going to struggle to finish each of these horribly long days, sleeping in classes and exhausting myself to the breaking point.

I'm stupid and I'm fucked.

I have no idea what I should do about all of this now. Tomorrow will probably be extremely awkward, and I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest. I honestly just want to be over and done with this show so we can all move on and get back to our lives. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it!

Why do I find myself hating him? Like, complete and utter loathing?

Because I still can't shake that feeling. Of getting second place.

Of being REplaced.

I want to smash something again.

All those guys who went all postal at their schools? I think I can finally associate with them. It's this kind of untamed anger and frustration that is just so awful that you need to let it go.

And something needs to give.

A tiny bit escaped today, that tiny little rant about why things played out as they did.

Yes, the tiny rant. There's more where that came from. This is a part of it.

You know, I'm still really angry about a lot of things. Like why I still have no idea why certain things had to happen, when they happened. Or why I never get explanations, just apologies. Or how people assume that I just know everything, or that I don't want them around, or that they're being annoying.

Seriously, if I don't want you around, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL.

I'm very good at hiding. I hide many things.

Lots of things.

I don't know what to say to any of you. I want to go into the back back room and bang my head repeatedly against the cement wall. I want to climb to the top of the pillar and jump down, and feel the stinging pain shoot up my legs from the impact. I want to hit my finger with a hammer, and feel that hot searing pain wash over my body. I want to know what a kiss feels like for once in my life. I want to be shocked by an electrical outlet and have the tingle in my arms. I want to have the wind knocked out of me and ache all over. I want to block out the entire world.

I shouldn't post any of this.

I'll be taken away to a mental institute for sure.

Hehe

2009-03-01T19:00:00.003-07:00

I got a little pissed off at the person who created the group attacking a certain person who broke up with another certain person. I don't know the whole story, but I don't think anyone deserves to be called a 'bitch', especially if it's obvious that the people who made the group don't know the whole story either.

So I saw that the creator had left the group, leaving no admins, so I joined, then deleted the group. Ha!

2009-02-26T22:41:00.003-07:00

I think I realize why I don't blog during shows. I say things too quickly, and don't give them adequate thought.

Ever get that feeling where you know you've said something, but just aren't sure what the repercussions will be? I really don't know what to think anymore, just...

Life, leave me alone.

D:/My Documents/A letter.doc

2009-02-15T16:06:00.003-07:00

I wrote a letter a few months back, and I only just found it again. I don't even remember writing it which is the weird part, it seems like something I might remember putting time and effort into.

What it's done is make life more complicated. Lately I've allowed myself to succumb to the bliss of ignorance, and I'm realizing what a mess it's causing. If only you knew.

I thought I had it all figured out, that all I had to do was wait and that when the time finally came, it would be perfect. But the thing about waiting for something to happen, is that time passes before it does. And when time passes, things change.

I feel like I'm looking at two polar opposites. So many different aspects to each scenario, and yet each with so many attractive qualities. Consequences too.

I find myself drifting back and forth, every minute thinking something different, questioning my previous decisions and trying to plan for the things that I have no idea will happen. I want a simple answer, I don't want to have to think about things, it shouldn't have to be multiple choice.

When I read that letter, it pulled me back to a place I had been for a long time, a letter that said in such a concrete manner exactly what I was feeling. There's no denying that it states exactly how I was feeling then, but what about now? I look at all those things I said, and wonder, is it still true?

I don't know where I should take things, and I constantly worry that I'm just going to screw it all up and end up right back where I started. I just want the simplicity of a child, to only have to worry if the tooth-fairy will come tonight, or if I mixed enough finger paints to finish my masterpiece.

I want this. I just hate the fog.
Damned fog...

2009-02-08T22:07:00.002-07:00

I'm listening to my sister have a huge tantrum about something upstairs. No idea what it's about, but I have such an urge to go upstairs and scream at all of them to shut up so that I can have some peace. It's not like there's anything particularly bothering me right now, but it seems to be the culmination of a lot of little stresses finding their way into my head all at once.

Let's back up. Last night, I randomly decided that I wanted to watch The Notebook. Now, some guys might think "why the heck would he want to watch a movie like that?" Well, I just decided that I wanted to. I have the whole movie ripped from YouTube (too lazy to rent it), so at about 10:30, I started to watch. Sure, I still had 2 MSN conversations going, but it was really nice. Some great filmmaking right there.

I guess what gets me is that even though it was so beautiful and amazing, that it made my chest ache, and that every part of me screamed in frustration at the fickleness of love, my eyes remained dry for the whole movie. I know, I've complained about it before, but honestly, it gets to you. To not be able to freely express emotion like that really takes a toll, and I miss it so much right now.

The movie finished around 12:30, but the whole night, I just couldn't sleep. I was still awake at 2, and after that, it was still a restless sleep.

Today in general was dull. I helped set up what hopefully was a really amazing date for a friend, but other than that, I just sat at home in front of my computer. It's now 10:15, and my binder is where I put it Friday afternoon. I doubt it'll move until tomorrow morning when I put it in my backpack.

I talked to Julie, the yearbook editor, a little more today, and every time I do, it bothers me, because still, things just aren't looking good for my picture to get into the yearbook. Now, if the picture taken at the beginning of the year were any good, I'd be fine, but it sucks, like honestly. I look like a perverted, gay, grade 10. I don't want my last year to be immortalized by that....

Maybe I complain too much.

I gave some constructive criticism to a younger photographer through honesty box in the nicest way I could, and then he comes back and starts laughing at me, and assuming I know nothing about photography. It just bothers me, because I naturally want to help people, and then this comes back. Well, you be the judge.

I just have a few suggestions for you regarding your photography, take it or leave it.

One thing I've noticed is that you post a lot of photos. Personally, I quite enjoy looking at your work, but I worry at times that it be a little excessive. While it is an entirely personal choice, sometimes it might be better to pick just a few good ones, and only post those, instead of full albums from a single photo-walk.
Another thing is that you many times post only a single photo in an album, which personally, I think is a wee bit of a waste. Maybe you could try combining a few days, or similar themes?
And as much as I enjoy your photos, I don't think you need to advertise with your status quite so much. People who want to see your photos will take a look on their own time, and the people who don't might start to resent you for the continuous barrage of reminders. Post a link on your profile, and let word-of-mouth do the rest.
Haha, and last is just a personal suggestion, in PS if you haven't already, try playing with curves and photo filters (in CS3 it's Image > Adjustments). I randomly played with a few of your photos, and to my eye, I think it really helped bring out some of the character. For example, one of your more recent photos...
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

But yeah, sorry if that sounded harsh or something, not my intention at all. Good luck with the photography!

------

Lol.
I have over 5000 photos. I take over 200 each time I go out.

A good photography picks his top 50, then from the top 50 picks the top 25 or 30.
I post my top 25 usually in an album, and create single themed albums "Photo of the Day"

Ps: The way to edited my photo made it become WAY under exposed and WAY over contrasted.

If you don't like getting my updates, then simply turn them off. It's quite simple, go into the Facebook users settings, notification controls and chose to not get updates from selected user (eg. myself)

------

Hey now, no need to get defensive. I've taken 13466 to date, and that's in a year and 2 months. Average number of shots per shooting day is around 130, maxing out at 600 on a really good day. I'm no stranger to lots of shots, I just weed out all but the VERY best, which is how I choose to do it, and everyone can do what they like. Just personal preference.

Contrast is a relative choice, I like my photos with more, you like yours with less. Just thought I'd show you another method. Actually, check out
http://www.phillprice.com/ . He has a style somewhat similar to your own.

Oh and don't worry, I don't mind updates, and I have more than enough understanding of how to operate Facebook.

And might I add, in response to your most recent status update, I did not say I didn't want updates from you (I turned them off months ago). I use CS3, you use whatever you want to. As for using PS in general, well, let's just say I do have a few years background in it.

(Status and Comments)
Lol. If you don't like getting updates about albums I post on Facebook, go into the Facebook settings, notification control and chose not to get updates from me.
-"Well said."
-"Lol...somebody messaged me and stated I should stop putting so many Photoshop on Facebook and that he doesn't like getting updates so frequently...Then stated I should use CS3. (I prob. know more about CS3 than the person does)

They even took the liberty of editing my photo into this:
http://tinyurl.com/b8hue4

Underexposed, over-contrasted -.-

I laughed.

It's so simple to not receive updates about photos. Just choose not to receive album updates from a selected user (eg. me)"

I just find it so insulting that someone would say such things when they have no idea who they're talking to. I mean, if you want to have people spread the word about your photography, at least be nice to people, right?

That's my rant for the evening. Maybe I should go to bed sooner rather than later today...

Readers

2009-02-04T23:06:00.002-07:00

So I was literally just about to go to bed, when my nose suddenly tickled, and a small red drop fell from its tip and landed on my desk. For the second time today, a nosebleed.

Yeah, I'm writing this all with one hand, since I don't want to just sit around doing nothing for the next 18 minutes.

make that 17

I've had a few people ask me sort of timidly if it's alright that they read my blog. Honestly, I'm more than happy to have you as a reader. Having an audience of any size is so much better than having none at all.

11:11, anyone want to guess what I wished for?

(besides this nosebleed stopping...)

It's nice when someone acknowledges the effort that goes into a blog such as this, either through conversation or a comment. To know that someone actually takes the time (or is bored enough) to read what I have to say, it means a lot.

Now, if you have a blog if your own, and only if you want me to, I'd love to read it. Hearing about the lives of my friends is really great.

another 10 minutes, ugh

Yeah, so really, I love having people read my blog, and being able to talk about it too.

(Of course, one of you should remember that I did ask you to stop reading my blog when you asked me to not read yours, and I would ask that you respect that...you know who you are)

Schedule

2009-02-03T22:07:00.002-07:00

I have found the most amazing way to trap myself. Time.

Currently, my dilemma is this; I have agreed to go to Llyodminster (5 hours driving distance from Calgary for those who don't know) from the 19th to the 22nd of February (Thursday to Sunday). I will be setting up and programming/designing for a small play called "Hockey Dad", one I've worked on before, and feel a sort of responsibility to. Plus, the building being used apparently only has moving lights, so I'm really the only one on the team who would know how to program them.

Other side of the coin.

Found out today that I have a band festival first thing in the morning on Sunday, February 22nd. My parents feel that I have a commitment to the band, and I highly doubt they would permit me missing something as big as a band festival (haven't asked, but not sure if I want t0).

So, something has to bend.

If I were to ask my dad to drive up Saturday, see the show, then drive me back, that is a horrible amount of driving. 10 hours? Ouch.
One way ticket on the greyhound? With student discount, comes to just under 100 bucks.
I've already been quite clear with Jamie, the director/actor in "Hockey Dad" that I would be available, and I really don't want to bail on him if I can manage it. Honestly, if I could, I would just tell Ms. Wishloff to deal without me, seeing as she already thinks I'm only good enough to play second horn anyways, and enjoy doing some tech, and being paid to do so. This tech is what's going to pay for me being able to go to Vancouver. Without it, I can't go, simple as that. I'm not willing to wait another few months, I'm going to go.

So really, I guess I have two choices.

1 - Screw band and take the mark deduction that'll go with it. It hurts, but hey, tech is my future, music isn't.

2 - Figure out some way to get from Lloydminster to Calgary by 8:30 Sunday morning.

Yeah, that's my predicament in terms of not having enough time.

Other than that, talk about a hectic semester. I had no idea I would miss having a spare so much, already I feel like there's more to do that I'll ever get done. I've got a massive headache right now from trying to learn social on my own (14.5 mintues she's been gone, and only 2 days? Gah), and I still have to study for a safety quiz in chem tomorrow.

L, I haven't really heard much about your condition, besides what you apparently have. I really hope you're doing alright, if it is imm. deff., then hopefully you'll be able to take visitors soon. Heck, you wouldn't be reading my blog anyways, so this won't mean much. Meh. Remind me to give you all my chem notes when you get back, I'll do my best to help walk you through what you've missed. Get better soon :)

You know, I don't even know if you read my blog or not. I have visitor tracking, and I've had a lot of visits from Vancouver, but I guess you've never said either way. I guess since you're reading this though, you do, so problem solved! I wish I could take the time to reply tonight, but with this headache and my chem still to do, I guess it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe I'll take a bit of time to myself during rehearsal or something. ~45 days :)
Do you still find this at all surreal? That somehow we beat the odds and have made this work for who knows how long, and that in a few short weeks, we'll see each other again? It just makes me so happy to think about it, that I could be so lucky as to have met you...

Hope everyone is feeling well, and I look forward to talking to all of you very soon.

Propaganda

2009-01-27T22:19:00.002-07:00

So I was writing up my speech on why grade 9's should take tech. And to be honest, it felt like half the stuff was just propaganda. Haha, maybe it was?

You can learn to do it all!

Anyways.

Today was really, really great. I absolutely insist that we do it again soon, and I'm more than willing to donate my mattresses to the cause! Hanging out with you two was very excellent, I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow...and the next day...and the many rehearsals and performances after that lol.

Sorry, I hope I didn't seem too pushy with what I said yesterday, but honestly, I think that you need to do what you've told yourself you will (in your good time). Sometime soon we need to have another Starbucks afternoon, ok?

I miss you so much. Did you know that there is a month and 26 days left until March 23rd? Well now you do, and I can't wait for that day (or any day yet to be determined around that time). It's been way too long (5 months 24 days actually), and I don't want to keep going on like this, wondering how long I'll have to wait before I can know and feel it. I guess the things we want the most demand the greatest patience?

Maybe it's because we watched 3 action movies today, but I started to think that everything I said (over MSN at that) sounded deep and intense.

Blah blah blah metaphors about building things up, and the difficulties involved blah blah blah how eventually they all end up falling down anyways blah blah

you have to keep building these things until one of them can stand on it's own.

Oooh, epic!
At least, in my head it was...

Ok, either I'm suddenly really tired, or..I don't even know what. I just suddenly felt like crying? Odd.

Tomorrow will be a good day I think. Perhaps once I finish replying I'll go to bed. That or I could watch another episode of House...can you guess which one?

And of course, I'm obliged to post this. Have at 'er
(Feel free to write more than just the usual point form, because short answer, long answer, and even essay responses are always enjoyed...)

1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me?
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. Have you ever had a crush on me?
19. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be.
20. Your favorite memory of me.
21. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would I would bring?
22. Do I believe in God?
23. Who is my best friend?
24. Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?

:)

2009-01-25T21:51:00.002-07:00

Today has been a rather good day in some regards.

Just surpassed 33,000 words, or 82 pages. Wow.
169 days of communication.
176 days since the trip ended.
57 days until spring break!

How am I going to make it that long? I really hope February goes by quickly...

In no particular order

2009-01-25T16:16:00.014-07:00

Lookin' for a breakthrough

2009-01-20T22:53:00.002-07:00

What's it going to take? So many things still to do, to say, to be.

I just wish I could show you how much you've missed. Please just don't end the great thing you already have.

Let's listen to 'em all

2009-01-19T18:17:00.008-07:00

Working on listening to every song on my iPod, here's my progress so far

A-Tisket, A-Tasket; Ella Fitzgerald; Best of Big Bands
Abandoned Masquerade; Diana Krall; The Girl in the Other Room
Above All; Michael W. Smith; Worship
Above All; Michael W. Smith; Worship (2 versions? Odd..)
Across the Universe; Jim Sturgess; Across the Universe OST
Ad Arcana; Hans Zimmer; The Da Vinci Code
Adagio Molto E Cantabile; Cleveland Orchestra; Symphony No.9 (Since when do I have this?)
Adeste Fideles; Boston Brass; Stan Kenton Christmas Carols
African Rundown; David Arnold; Casino Royale
Against the Wind; Bob Seger; Forrest Gump Soundtrack
Agent of Chaos; Hans Zimmer; The Dark Knight
Aggressive Expansion; Hans Zimmer; The Dark Knight
Agnus Dei; Michael W. Smith; Worship
Agnus Dei; Third Day; Exodus
Agnus Dei I; Canadian Brass; Sacred Brass
Agnus Dei II; Canadian Brass; Sacred Brass (See a pattern by any chance?)
Ain't Misbehavin'; Louis Armstrong; 16 Most Requested Songs
Ain't No Sunshine; Eva Cassidy; Time After Time
Ain't Nobody But Me; Supetramp; The Very Best Of Supertramp
Air On A G String; Canadian Brass; Amazing Brass
Alive; Melissa O'Neil; Melissa O'Neil
Alive; S Club 7; BEST (Shut up Aaron...)
All I Ask of You; Andrew Lloyd Webber; Phantom of the Opera
All I Ask of You (Reprise); Andrew Lloyd Webber; Phantom of the Opera
All I Care About; James Naughton & Girls; Chicago
All I Have To Give; Backstreet Boys; Backstreet's Back
All My Bells Are Ringing; Lenka; The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs
All My Loving; Jim Sturgess; Across the Universe
All of Me; Louis Armstrong; 16 Most Requested Songs
All Of Them!; Hans Zimmer; King Arthur
All Or Nothing At All; Diana Krall; Love Scenes
All Right Here; Sara Groves; All Right Here
All Right Now; Free; 70s Gold
All That Jazz; Bebe Neuwirth & Company; Chicago
All The Drains Lead To The Ocean; Thomas Newman; Finding Nemo
All the Things You Never Wanted; Peirson Ross; All the Things You Never Wanted
All The Way To Kingdom Come; Rich Mullins; The Jesus Record
All You Need Is Love; 1; The Beatles
Allegro Ma Non Troppo E Un Poco Maestoso; Cleveland Orchestra; Symphony No.9

Gasp

2009-01-18T21:20:00.002-07:00

I've been tagged! Imagine that! Let's skip the usual copy/pasted intro, and dive right into these points.

I am going to force myself to only do one of these at a time, and study between each one so that I don't totally waste all my time. You see, I have an awful thing called a math exam tomorrow, and to tell the truth, I'm nowhere near ready. I'm still learning how to use the formulas again, and I need to work on conics, trig, and combinatronics of all things. Maybe a little more on logs too, though I finally cracked them I think. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow though, hopefully it isn't TOO bad...
I fail at making deals with myself. Though I did learn the difference of a and b in a hyperbola, so I guess that counts for something. And in the mornings, I'll set my alarm for a reasonable time, but then it doesn't matter what I do, I just cannot get out of bed. I set about 6 more timers after the initial alarm, promising myself that after the next one, I'll get up. And yet, when I finally do get up, it's never as bad as I expect it to be.
Excited beyond belief about going to Vancouver over spring break. It's been all I can think about lately, I just...yeah. I need to make a fair chunk of money, but I think that if I can talk my parents into letting me miss 2 days of school (in February no less), then I'll get paid to do 4 shows, and make enough to get me there. Whenever I think about it actually working, about being able to see a dream I've had for so long come true, I just get so...happy. "I just want to see you too :)"
To tell the truth, I'm really not looking forward to grad pictures in a way. I know that a lot of people dislike being in front of the camera, and there's not a lot that can be done. I've always hidden behind my camera, taking pictures of other people so they don't take any of me. I've just always had a really hard time liking my appearance, because the thing I see in the mirror does nothing to reflect how I precieve myself from the inside.
I have to wear these really annoying clear plastic retainers, and I just keep pulling them off, then putting them back on, etc. They're also really gross right now, because I just had dinner and didn't feel like brushing my teeth for the 4th time today. So now it's just...pleasant.
I think I'm allergic to aspartame. Today I had a whole package of gum with aspartame in it (I have a terrible habit of just eating it, and swallowing it in bits until I've had the whole package). And so now I'm starting to have some not-so-pleasant side-effects. No more gum for a while.
I am rather scared of a few things, though I don't tell people most of them. I'm horribly afraid of train crossings though. Ever go on YouTube and see those videos of people almost getting hit by trains? Yeah, those scare me a lot. That and I'm scared to give my friends too much relationship advice, because I'm afraid that if they follow my advice, and things go south in their relationships, then they'll become upset with me, whether consciously or unconsciously.
I have never kissed someone outside of my family. Some days, that really bothers me. To the point of insanity almost, where seeing anyone, even my best friends, kissing someone, just makes me want to scream. It seems like something so special, so intimate, that I want to just have a bit of it in my life. And I get even more annoyed at the people who don't take it seriously, to either extreme. You get the people who kiss like there's no tomorrow, getting all over each other's faces in the middle of the halls, making lovely sloppy kissing noises while they're at it, and then the people who just take it for granted, not even seeming to notice when they've been kissed. I just want to experience it at some point in my life I guess. Oh, and then other days, I could care less :P
I have a strange addiction to Starbucks. And really, it only started this year. I mean, I've dished out hundreds to that delicious company, and it's more than a little stupid. But I just can't help it, I keep going back for more. It's not just the drink either. I'm convinced that a large part of the addiction is psychological. You don't see people getting addicted to Tim Hortons coffee, do you? No, it's because with starbucks you get the psychological bonus of knowing you spent more money, and it makes you feel a little more special when you walk down the street with that signature paper cup (I'm annoyed that they're still using Christmas cups though).
I get paranoid really, really easily. If someone texts me something that sounds even a little upset, I instantly assume that I've done something to them. Things like, "sounds good", "alright", "no worries", and even a "you too" at times can set me off. It just feels dismissive in a sense, and I worry that people don't want to talk to me. It's probably not true most of the time, but I get really paranoid.
Working on my light show for grade 9 tours right now, and I'm really happy with it so far. I'm doing it to a piece from the Dark Knight soundtrack, and so I'm attempting to light the theatre accordingly. Spent most of the afternoon working on various things to get the light show ready to go, and I'll be spending the next few days in the theatre preparing it for next Thursday.
My parents have been pressuring me a lot lately to get a job. Truth is though, I can't handle one right now. Tech is a full time job shoehorned into a part time schedule. As much as I need the money, I don't have the time to take one on. That and I just can't get motivated to go out and get one. I sent in a resume to Vertigo Theatre, but something tells me I won't be hearing from them anytime soon, which is really unfortunate. I was in a rush to go do tech (irony much?), so I didn't bother to write a good cover letter, which probably didn't help my professional appearance much. So hopefully I can actually make enough money to get me out to BC this time around...
I have a very full schedule at the moment. Most of it is light show programming at this point (I'm revising my time to work ratio to something more like 10 seconds per hour...). But then again, a fair chunk of it is hanging out with friends, something I'm quite looking forward to.
I just got the warm fuzzies :) All it takes is one email to make my day. Thankfully they come on a fairly regular basis, provided I reply.
I feel like such a psychologist at times. I ask all these questions to try to understand what's bothering people. I mean, I can almost imagine people lying on a couch, telling me all these things in person rather than through MSN. Me asking all these questions in that soothing voice, encouraging them to explain further. And yet I don't want to be like that. I want to be a friend, not a psychologist.
Maybe I'm just going a little insane over here, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Had a nice little Freudian slip whilst typing the word "kidding"...maybe you can figure where that one went. That's a little bit creepy though, isn't it? The fact that it seems to be at the forefront of my mind? I don't want it to be, and I like to think that it isn't.
I have a ton of paperwork to do for work experience. I need to do my big booklet of assignments, then finish hour sheets, plus grade 9 tours means a few sheets of paper to be distributed, and then before you know it, we'll be right into Witness. This treadmill never seems to stop.
I love photography, but lately I've pretty much cast it off to the wayside for a while. Maybe it's because I've been so busy with tech, but I just haven't taken the time to take any pictures lately. Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey, what can you do?
I have grad pictures tomorrow, and I'm kind of wondering what I should wear...I need to find some nicer jeans, pick a tie (yes, I have more than one of my own), and figure out what colour I want. Oh the decisions.
And now I'm a little rushed to just get this over with. Gah, I miss her. Post = over!

Love and War

2009-01-18T21:15:00.004-07:00

I came across this 'animated opera' a few minutes ago whilst being distracted from studying. I just find it so beautiful that, even though it's in a language that I cannot understand at all, I understand it completely.

Another sigh

2009-01-17T21:16:00.001-07:00

Of course, I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it, but to tell the truth, that's fine by me. I just hope that I'm not leading my friends astray.

Try to make ends meet

2009-01-15T18:06:00.003-07:00

I guess it's been a while since I last posted something. Although to be honest, I'm just avoiding studying math, and being bugged about getting a job, and just human interaction overall. I really have no idea why, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, so I'm sitting alone in my room, being bored.

Online communication overall right now just seems to be lacking a lot. These past few days I've just avoided going online on MSN, but I don't know why. Just not a whole lot to say other than "how goes studying?" I have messages sitting in my inbox that I just haven't felt like replying to, even though there's no reason why I shouldn't. I don't mind hanging out and talking with people in person, it's really quite fun and enjoyable actually, but as soon as we enter the digital realm, I get bored and avoid it.

I was telling someone (you) the other day about how they (you) shouldn't lose heart when they're (you're) in a long distance relationship, and don't hear from their (your) significant other for a few days. And yet, after telling them (you) that, I realized that I'm guilty of the same thing right now. It's been 4 days since I last heard anything from her, and even though I know I shouldn't be bothered by it, that I should just understand that this is how it works, it still gets to me. I guess the biggest problem I have with it is not that she's taking a little longer than usual to reply, but the number of times that I've just been too tired to reply to her.

As soon as I finish this, I think I'll go work on my resume for a bit. My mom somehow found out that the Vertio Theatre is looking for people on their casual crew list, so I'm going to apply and see if they'll take me. Age is one thing that isn't going to be a huge help in this job however. Then I'll also do an application for starbucks, and ask at Best Buy and the Library. Ugh, I hate money.

Applied at Mount Royal and Red Deer yesterday. Really hoping for Mount Royal though, I'd have a really hard time affording res and tuition in Red Deer. And now I need to get working on a portfolio of my work so that I can actually get into the program. Now I'm just wondering if my marks are going to be good enough to get in...

Tomorrow is going to be great, I'm really looking forward to just getting into set building, and finally seeing it all come together. Hopefully my set design actually works the way I want it to

And I guess I haven't really told anyone what's happening with visiting, not that it really matters to most people. Obviously I'm not going next week, it didn't work out, which really bothers me. But as far as can be determined, I think spring break is the aim, meaning I finally have a really big incentive to earn some money.

Bleah, now I'm bored of writing in my blog. This is getting really stupid. I jst want to go to sleep. Maybe I will. Or maybe I'll get bored of sleeping too.

2009-01-12T20:06:00.001-07:00

Hmm, I just realized it's been a whole 2 days since I last wrote in this.

Hardly know her

2009-01-10T14:10:00.002-07:00

I don't think we've ever really met, and yet here I am at home, just feeling devastated that something like this could happen to even an acquaintance of mine. You have some really great friends, and I know they care so much about you, and so in turn I guess I care about you too.

I don't know any details, I only get snippets on how you're doing from time to time. I don't even know what you look like apart from a few glimpses in the halls. But I hope with all my heart, that you would be fine. I am praying for you constantly, and I know many others are too.

I don't ask why, because I know I'll never understand the answer. Bad things happen to good people, and it hurts when it happens. There's a reason, I'm sure, but I know we can trust that things are in His hands, and continue to pray for your healing.

And I don't know why but thank you for opening my eyes. Somehow, you helped make things just a little bit more clear for me.

I know that everything will happen as it is supposed to.

Stress

2009-01-08T21:34:00.002-07:00

I'm getting really stressed out all of a sudden. And to be honest, it has nothing to do with exams. It still hasn't 'hit me', and I'm worried that it never will.

My parents are pressuring me like crazy to get a job. It's getting to the point where I can't leave the house if I don't fill out an online application, or if I forgot to ask if it was received on my way home. It's driving me so insane, I just don't know how to handle it all right now.

I wasn't allowed to borrow money from them to fund my flight when it was cheapest, so now it's gone up, and I have three options now. I can find a job in the next few days and work myself to death trying to make enough money in time, or I can call off the trip and wait a few more months to go, or I can revisit the option of the two of us splitting the cost.

But now I've got deadlines. She needs to know if it's happening or not, I have exams and commitments to make, and things just aren't working out. I feel like shit because I've left it later than I should have. Maybe it'd be better to postpone the whole thing? I honestly don't know anymore.

So far my job ideas have been Starbucks (though I submitted an application and never heard anything), Best Buy (same thing, been meaning to ask if they got it), and the Library (just not really a place I want to work to be honest). It's all just been coming at me too fast. I want to scream at my mom right now for constantly bugging me about this when I have so much to deal with, but in the end, she's probably right to do so anyways. I miss how easy things were when we were kids, when these things were no concern at all. What happened?

I should probably just go to bed right now. I mean, I'm practically on the verge of emotional breakdown..no, I passed that. It's all getting a little out of control. If I were to go, I would be there in under 2 weeks. That's...impossible to fathom. That I could see her with my own eyes again would be so amazing, but I just don't know if I can do it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I just can't seem to make things work inside of me. Those who have seen me in the theatre know I'm not lacking in work ethic, if I were hired I can promise I'd be a model employee. But something about me can't ask for help. And to me, asking for a job is like asking to be accepted, to be given money; that gets degenerated to asking for help in my messed up head, and I find it so hard to do. And really, I'm dreading the idea of asking to split the cost with her. I mean, it's not like it would be wrong, we've already talked about it, and there's no problem with it. But I just...can't. If I were paid by the hour for self-pity, well, I'd pick up the bill every time.

And as all this goes on, I still haven't even started on studying for exams. Frick, I'm going to fail. I have low seventies in math, and low eighties in english, and my parents are far from happy, meaning I can't be happy. I owe them money, though that's counterbalanced by the birthday money they owe me..I think I've got 150 bucks to my name. So if we split the cost halfway, I could do it. Work my ass off for my dad a few weekends, and maybe I could afford a taxi.

God help me. There's too much to do.

Flight Cancelled

2009-01-06T23:54:00.003-07:00

I am just so beyond words right now, this is insane.

In about 3 minutes, West Jet's sale on flights is going to end. And I won't have a flight. Why? Because my parents have decided to finally say that I need to pay back certain debts, and to get a job before I can go. Plus, I need to help them get to know her parents a little better somehow, since I'd be staying with them.

Or at least I was.

Now what? I just can't do this. I honestly just want to cry right now, I can't imagine a worse time for this to have to happen. Is it ever going to happen?

And now the sale is closed. Good night.

Updates

2009-01-06T23:27:00.003-07:00

I've just been doing a little bit of maintenance on my blog over the past few days, not sure if you've noticed much or not.

Topics/Tags have been added to the most recent 100 posts I think, so if you're looking for something on a certain topic, there's a list on the right hand side. As well, the label is below each post (for example, this post is a "Random Thoughts/Bored" post).
Whenever I feel bored, I'll probably change the image at the top. Why? No reason.

And yeah, that's about it for now!

What time is it?

2009-01-06T20:46:00.002-07:00

Random
What a gosh-darned cunt

Challenge
Come over sometime soon so we can make london fog's and do some of my film education

Colour
The four colours in your scarf; Red White Grey and Black (but mostly the red)

Appreciate
How perfectly natural I feel when I'm around you

Memory
Wow, so many... How about TGJD? That has to be my clearest memory

Animal
I'm so bad at this question, so how about a ferret? (None of the creepy characteristics mind you, it's just the first animal that came to mind. Plus, then we could build wings for you!)

Question
Are you bored?

LDR

2009-01-05T18:36:00.002-07:00

I don't know how many people know what that acronym means, I hadn't really known about it for most of my life. But even if you know what it means, do you know what it means? How many people have experienced it themselves?

It's a tricky thing to talk about I guess. Whenever I can, I've avoided it as much as possible in open conversation because it seems...different in a way. When you're in a relationship with someone close by, you can have them standing by you all the time, show them off, and just always have them nearby. But this is different. Maybe none of your friends have ever met them. Maybe you've only known them for a few weeks. The circumstances are infinitely varied.

I'm so happy for you, don't get me wrong. I mean really, welcome to the club.

She doesn't call it a 'relationship' yet, and I guess that's acceptable. We've only been in contact face-to-face for 19 days, and all of those were just while sailing mates, nothing more. From there we keep in touch through facebook, and eventually it's said flat out that we like each other. Simple, right?

Well then it hurts. A lot. Because instead of say, telling them one night, then waking up the next morning and seeing them in person, suddenly you're faced with a horrible period of time where you won't be able to see them, and there's no end to it in sight. Today is day number 156 of not being able to see her. Believe me, it's hard.

So we keep talking, and eventually we hatch a plan to visit each other again. Problem is though, time and money are both a little scarce at the moment. Where's the 300 dollars for a short flight going to come from? What about a taxi? And money for going out for dinner? It's nowhere near as 'simple' as most people have it. It needs to be carefully choreographed so that everything fits together perfectly.

Maybe when I get there it'll feel wrong. Because I haven't had the luxury of seeing her as special to me, maybe when I get there, it just won't work. Am I scared? Heck yes I am. Then again, I'm even more scared of it working. Because if it does, I'm still going to be going to Mount Royal for 2 years, and she's at UVic for 2 or 3, so it's not like it's going to get easier anytime soon. The distance is always going to be there.

I've read stories about other LDR's that have worked (quite helpful actually, really helped to calm some of my fears), and it always sounds like it's right out of a love story.

Maybe it is.

It's scary. It's hard. I'm not going to deny it. It takes a normal relationship and just loads on the extra weight. It can be hard to be trusting, and difficult to believe in yourself. Sometimes it feels like it would just be better to call it off and save your heart the agony.

And yet, every time I get a new e-mail in my inbox with that special label, every time I get a text with a special vibrate, every time I see that name on Facebook, I get a brief flash of happiness.

And when I look at her face before I fall asleep, I can't help but smile in my sleep.

Another one? Fine

2009-01-05T18:18:00.002-07:00

Random
You like ketchup

Challenge
Try starting your own blog

Colour
Dark Green/Camo

Appreciate
You've stuck around for a really long time. I mean, I've known you longer than most people, which is pretty sweet if you ask me. It's been what...10 years? 11? 12?

Memory
Attempting to build an elevator in your basement for our hot wheels cars

Animal
A fox, not really sure why

Question
How serious are you about joining the armed forces? Is it for sure what you want to do, or are you looking into other options?

My Perfect World

2009-01-03T23:28:00.002-07:00

The smiley face is no longer necessary in typed conversations, because everyone is always smiling anyways :)
Text messages are free, and come and go with no delay whatsoever
Everyone owns their own laptop, and knows how to use it
People don't talk during movies or plays
Music plays constantly through invisible speakers, and it somehow never gets boring or dull, too loud or quiet, and everyone likes it.
Travel is simple and uncomplicated
People can see the long term outcomes of their actions before they make them
Facebook is an optional distraction
Tech has a final exam
Academics don't
Winter break is warm and long
People make snow angels without snow going down their back
The snow is always the perfect consistency
Cookies never burn
The day never ends before it needs to
Gaff grows on trees...in blackout
Everyone has a blog that they update on a regular basis
People are unafraid to just do what they should
Every morning you wake up and breakfast is waiting for you
Classes start at 11
And end at 11:30
Electronics never break
Love is a prerequisite
Broken hearts are replaceable
The world becomes a musical 3 times a month
The techies are in charge of the world
Starbucks is free
And everywhere
And Super-venti exists
People are fully rested, no matter how long they sleep for
English projects are due when you're done them
Your theme song never gets old
Anyone can go wherever they want in the world, without worrying about money, etc
Tech is the pinnacle of intelligence; lawyers have nothing on the techies

Among other things...

Because I can write in full sentences

2009-01-03T22:52:00.002-07:00

Random
*poke* = random noise = hilarious

Challenge
I challenge you to try pepperoni pizza...with whipped cream on top! hehehehe

Colour
It is a very, interesting colour, and I will always associate it with you because of that one day when we randomly hung out in the mall, then went and had lunch with your mom at cheescake. Everything was Orange!

Appreciate
There really are quite a few to be honest, such as how you listen better than anyone else I know, or how you put up with my flaws, or how I know that I'll always be able to count on you if I need to talk.

Memory
Guess it would have to be the fire drill, but also math class, and walking on nose hill, and being more excited, and seeing Elizabeth, and days and weeks and months and years of awesomeness!

Animal
I'm sorry, I've just never really associated animals with people... I guess maybe a bird of some sort, because of how insanely fast you talk when you get hyper :P

Question
Honestly, what did I ever do to deserve a friend as great as you? I look back at old conversations, previous blog entries, expired pictures, and what do I see? Someone who has been there day in and out, always there to make me smile, to give me a dose of reality, to give me that little extra push when things are tough. I've got so much crap in my life, I've screwed up so much more than anyone will ever know, and yet somehow you walked into my life, and I still can't believe it. To be given complete trust, to be totally open, to be accepted for the messed up person that I am; it astounds me. Honestly, why me? So many other people would have packed up and left ages ago, and yet somehow you're still here, closer than ever. From the highest to the lowest, I have always been able to count on you, and hopefully, you on me. So thank you.

Liability

2009-01-03T20:01:00.002-07:00

And since I simply must copy and paste a few words by order of the great M, here is the great questionnaire:

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your own profile.

Dollars and cents

2008-12-30T22:02:00.002-07:00

WestJet Flight, Round trip
$323.75

Taxi Ride from YVR to Horseshoe Bay
Approx. $50

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Spending Money
$40?

BC Ferries Adult Passenger One Way
$7.35

Taxi Ride from Horseshoe Bay to YVR
Approx. $50

A trip to visit?
Not quite so priceless... :(

Hehe

2008-12-30T00:09:00.002-07:00

I really should be asleep, and yet I have to (again) write something down. Maybe it'll never be fully understood, but the meaning is here.

I guess there are just times when things can't be said directly for one reason or another. I really should suck it up and say things, but I never do.

Why do I always try to be sneaky?
Because it makes me feel smart for some reason.
Do I somehow think I'm going to gain something out of it?
Yes.

I do all kinds of random things.
That last quiz you just copied?
I love it when people don't even notice.
Yeah, I made it.
Sometimes I even do things with great intentions!
It was actually a trick of sorts
I have wonderful reasons, at least in my mind..
I wanted to know if you were mad at me
Things don't always work out according to plan unfortunately.
So I made up a quiz that answered what I wanted to know
There are times when my purposes are leaked.
and share.
People sometimes see through my scheming.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but I needed to know.
Many times they don't.
I felt like I had lost my best friend in the world.
I don't like coming across as insincere or dishonest
A title you deserve in so many ways.
Maybe I should just stop this game and be open.
I want you to be happy. That's honestly all that's left.
If I want to make things work, maybe it's time to reveal.
Above anything else.
Maybe it's time to just be concise.

Deja

2008-12-29T23:53:00.005-07:00

I don't really think it could accurately be described at true "deja vu", because it never actually happened. And yet for some reason, today I suddenly found myself in a place that was somewhat familiar, and I was pulled back to a, well, very stressful moment in my life.

(To be 'clear', I mentally linked a number of various locations and words together at one moment in time, and experienced a very strange, near deja vu feeling.)

For obvious reasons (though only obvious to me, because I'm not going to give enough clues so that you know what I'm talking about), I can't mention names or occurrences, but I just feel like writing this out.

We were driving up a main road, and at one point there's a stop sign, and you can either go left or straight. To the left is a huge residential area, and ahead is just more road, with houses further up. None of that is important. What got me was that someone mentioned something (I'm calling it X for now, anything more and it would make sense), and it was like I got stuck inside a blender. You see, X had caused some pretty major problems for me and a number of other people a few months back, and so now any mention of X whatsoever just kills me.

I mean, maybe it's stupid, but I just can't shake it, even to this day. I know the time, the date, and every single word. I can recall every detail. And I really don't want to.

Mention X, and it's all I can think of. Why? Because X changed my life. Thankfully it didn't have as much effect as it could have, but it still changed me. I can hardly dare to imagine what would have happened if X had taken it's full effect.

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but it scares me to this day. Seriously. You say you're going to sleep now, and mention X, and my head goes haywire. I have to calm myself down and just reply with a typical and pre-programmed answer just to keep it hidden away.

Gah, it's so stupid, but I can't seem to change it.

*sigh*

I'm scared of X, not because of what it did, but of what it could have done.

(And I'm fine talking to anyone about the 'true identity' of X in private, I just don't think this is the place for it.)

In fact I think it might actually be nice to talk about it.

Who knows anymore.

My god do I ever miss her...

And I have to agree...I really love that picture too

Wrong

2008-12-28T00:52:00.002-07:00

Something is wrong. I have no idea what it is, but I am so completely depressed right now it's insane. I had a really great afternoon; total reorganization of my room leaves me with tons of space, and coffee/hanging out with Mel was awesome as always. And yet here I sit, bored out of my mind to the point where I can't summon the energy to turn on my laptop or even to just fall asleep. I don't know what it is, but I'm just missing something.

In a week I'll be going back to class, and truthfully, it's a huge relief. At least when we're in school I'm busy. And being busy is nice. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Today I was thinking about Jen. More than usual that is. You see, the last time we actually saw each other face to face was August 3rd, and personally, I think that's a pretty long time (148 days to be exact). To be perfectly honest, the whole thing scares me quite a bit, because it seems so drastic and almost stupid when I really look at it. I mean really, is it really smart to even consider becoming involved with someone who lives so far away? I'm just asking for trouble.

Yes, we talk, and it's one of the few reasons why I still believe there's any hope in my actions. I mean, total length of conversations is 59 pages, or 25,000 words. And while length seems to keep increasing, I just find it harder and harder to keep focus on my goals.

Sorry about babbling on, I just can't sleep, and need to write.

I miss her so much, but I don't know if I can do it. I imagine what it would be like to wake up on January 22nd, drive to the airport, get on a plane and spend 4 days just being happy. But I don't know if it could ever live up to my crazy expectations. I'm scared that it would be awkward really. 20 days knowing her in person, how many in between? How can I be sure that this is right? Yes it's probably best to just take the risk and hope that it all works out, but I just can't shake the feeling that it'd be a waste.

No, that's not it. I'm scared, that's what it is.

What do I want?

I've had the craziest dreams lately, most of which I won't be sharing anytime soon. But things are just so...grrr. I don't know what to think anymore.

The folllwing is written with my etes closed and my head down. I have no idea what buttons I'm pushing only guessing and hoping that I get the right ones. I'm guessing my accuracy so far has been prety good, a positive oucome of spending so much of my life on the computer. I bet if someone walkedin right now it would look quite halarious actually. Me in bed, lying on top of two stacked pillows, my laptop in front of me, my fingers flying like mad across the keyboard, and my head fallen agains my arm. You know how it looks when people fall asleep reading a book? Well that's what I ilook like now, only my fingers are still working. Bleahg. if that made any sense at all, get to a hospital, somthing is probabl wrong with you too. *sigh* Still eyes closed, I'm starting to wonder how long this is. Oh man, that would really suck if I was just off by one key. so that everything I've written is just ginnerish. Heck, I bet a ton of words are totally illeigible because I'm not even going to go back and proofread this. I'm just going insane, that's all/ I guess this is what it's like to be blind... Now I'm going to purpoosely shift my hand over one key, and see what it looks like. \o ,oss jer ps ,igj rogjt mpw. ot's mpt evem gimmy/ \o wpi;f fibr smuyjomh yp drr jrt shsom/ Oh wow, that's a little nuts. Maybe I should get some sleep?

Nah.

I want to just spend some time with someone right now. Anyone really. Just spending time with people is so relaxing, I would give anything to just be able to talk to someone for a while right now. But that's not going to happen, everyone's probably asleep anyways. Once in a while Taryn comes over and we'll watch a movie. That's nice, because of course then we're both just toolazy to get up off the couch and go to sleep, so we end up talking until 1. That's what I could use right now. Gah, why must you bein in Saskatchewan Fergus? I'm disappointed in you.

Or maybe this is me having the drugs leave my system. I've been drug free for what, a week now? It's absolutely killing me. I would give anything for a fix right now, absolutely anything. It keeps me egoing, I'm totally dependent on mt drugs now, and it's likely not good for me at all. But the drugs are so addictive! I deal it too now, so I can see how quickly people get hooked. People come to me for their fix, and I'm all too happy to oblige. (Now read that again. Tech is my drug).

Ooh, I have a muscle! And a bone! And just LOOK at that fingernail...

Lollipop, lollipo, kikkuois,

Facebook!

Sorr, now I'm just being stupid. I'm bored of his, I need something new. I miss her, and I want to be less bored.

I'm scared.

We want crisps

2008-12-27T23:04:00.002-07:00

Well, I'm just sitting in bed, in a very open and clean room, with absolutely nothing to do.

That's not true I guess, but there's nothing that I want to do...

On my iPod there's an application called "Tap Tap Revenge". It's pretty much just guitar hero for your fingers, and I'm practically addicted. One of the fun things that I like doing is playing online - I can play the songs against a few different people in real time, and see how I do in comparison to other people. Stupid probably, but hey, it's fun :P

I have another 7 minutes before the next song, and now I'm bored. It's 11:00, and I really should just go to sleep, but it's almost like I'm too bored to sleep. That and I'm still having a text conversation with M, and I just don't feel like cutting off quite yet. So we'll get my heart pumping with a few Tap Tap songs, and go from there. 6 more minutes. Let's go on facebook...

Light Show

2008-12-26T17:54:00.003-07:00

I just feel like writing down how I work on light shows, and specifically, my light show for the grade 9 tours.

1: Visualization
I start by making a playlist of the one song that I will be using (August's Rhapsody), put it on repeat, shut off all the lights, and just listen. In the dark I imagine what the theatre looks like, and I see different lights turning on and off with the music. I see pulsating lights at one point, a flash here, spinning colours and so on. I know the technical limitations of the theatre through my past experience, and can visualize what things I'm capable of doing. I get general ideas of what each thematic section of the piece will look like, and silently conduct my invisible orchestra in the dark. I would be put away in a mental institute if anyone saw me during this step, I'm sure.

2: Write it down
I play the piece again, and quickly type what I've been thinking. This keeps me centered around my original idea. However, this is more just to help me lock into the ideas more than an actual reference, because once I get programming, it's all inside my head.

3: Data
Since everything I do has to do with time, I need to know how fast the piece goes. I find the bpm values of sections, and find out how many tenths of a second I'll use (the smallest value of time on the light board).

4: Randomly start
I don't like to waste much time, so I pretty much just dive right into programming. I start at the beginning, and work my way through to save some numerical hassle later on. Perhaps it's slower that way, but it works fine for me...

5: Get tired of blogging, leave it, then post it when bugged by a nagging reader lol

Something new

2008-12-24T21:51:00.003-07:00

It's that time (day) of year again, where everyone finds a way to find a little bit more hope and happiness in their daily lives in the midst of overwhelming darkness. We celebrate Christmas, a cocktail mix of religious celebration, crass commercialism, and annual tradition, with such overwhelming gusto that we have to start in November just to fit it all in. I'm not complaining, I just think that people need to take a bit of a deeper look into why they even celebrate Christmas (something I won't be doing this evening).

As you have probably already noticed, I've pretty drastically changed the look of my blog, and I think I'll be sticking with it for a while. Really just a new look to keep me awake more than anything lol.

But now, I think it's time I did some Christmas greetings. Much the same as last year's, written way down in Phoenix. This year it's coming to you all the way from my bed. How lucky are you?

1 - To my most faithful reader, and one of my greatest friends, it's been another great year. I think if we mapped out the year, it'd be a nice simple tan graph (fitting, isn't it?) and I love where the equilibrium has put us. I don't tire of saying how much you've changed my life, and I hope we can stay friends for many, many years to come. I hope that the new year will find you love and happiness, peace and rest, and above all else, tech and gaff. I'm always going to be here for you, just as you have always been for me. Hope it's been a great Christmas for you, and get better soon! (Can't wait for Monday!)

2 - Another year of thinking alike greatly, and I must say...I just never got around to finishing this. Figures :P

Mellow

2008-12-18T22:56:00.002-07:00

I guess it's just been a weird few days/weeks/months/terms...

Lots going on. I think I might just list them as they come to me.

Recording today in the theatre went awesome. I mean, yeah I've done recordings before, but this just felt so..good. The result was way beyond anything I've ever made before, and I just can't stop listening to it, over and over and over again.
I'm really having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Less than a week left until Christmas day, and I still haven't given any thought as to what to get my family for presents. Not that I have the money anyways...
Well, I guess the unanimous result from my poll was pretty conclusive...now to just figure out when. So excited, you actually have no idea at all!
I'm watching a number of my friends struggle to finish off those physics projects. I help in any way I can, and hey, I'm probably the fastest Google/Wiki searcher you'll find, but honestly, there's not much I can do.
I definitely failed the math test today. I felt like total crap when I walked out of that room, it was NOT fun. I just couldn't do any of it.
I sometimes feel bad about being so mean, but honestly, I've done my absolute best to cut the strings in a nice, humane, easy way, but you just keep insist on worming your way back into my life. I just can't handle it, so please, respect that I've asked you to stop.
It's 11:11
For some reason I always like to wish right now for that one very special thing.
And no, it's not starbucks.
I still need to reply to her e-mail, I just always procrastinate on these things, and I shouldn't.
So, a car ride to the airport, plane ride to Vancouver, taxi or bus to the ferry dock, a ferry ride to the island, and then who knows what. Sucks that travel has to be so expensive. Definitely a limiting factor that I'm NOT looking forward to.
My favourite picture of Jenna was used in an online magazine recently, I'm quite happy about it :) (The Epoch Times)
I love piano music. I'm listening to some nice piano solo Christmas carols, and I couldn't ask for better music for the moment. Good fun.
Tomorrow will be the last day. I'm so sad. I mean, 2 weeks without seeing so many people. And then no theatre? I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I simply don't have enough of a life outside of theatre to fill my time with.
I'm addicted to Starbucks
And now adrenalin I think. I realized that I like keeping the intensity going in everything I do, and that sometimes comes across as being angry or annoyed. It's more that I'm just sprinting through life and it looks like everyone else is just crawling. It annoys me when the rest of the world is slower than me.
I love tech.
I love a lot of things actually.
And yet, I don't know if there is anyone outside my immediate family that I can honestly say I love. I know I've said it before, and yeah, I guess I did mean it. I love people as friends, there's no question about that. But romantic love? I don't know yet. Maybe it's waiting for me to arrive at the ferry dock? Maybe I'll be leaving it at the airport? Who knows where it is.
Oooh, I have to pick colours for my room. I'm looking at a deep, dark red, and one wall in a red that's just a little lighter. Still not sure. Or maybe I liked the brown one? I don't remember.
Should Alberta be nuclear powered? Hmm
Oh Facebook, what would I do without you?

Ok, I should stop this now, reply to that e-mail, then get to bed.

Oh great, and I have a vocab quiz tomorrow that I still have to study for. Yay...

I'm a bit of a copy cat... (hehe, cat)

2008-12-18T20:37:00.002-07:00

I read this on one of the blogs/photography websites I follow on a regular basis, and it kind of made me realize one of the reasons why I still can't think of anything that I would like for Christmas.

2008: I don't know what's in store, but I do know one thing: I am happy. I honestly don't want a single gift this year because I have everything that truly matters. A healthy family, a hopeful future, an amazing husband, fabulous friends, and the world's most adorable dog. I couldn't ask for more.

Full Post here

Should I go?

2008-12-15T22:21:00.002-07:00

I guess I've said that I would, and it's not as if I'm not excited to, I just naturally question every decision I make now, because I'm so much more concerned about other people's opinions and feelings than my own. And that often leaves me in predicaments like these.

I've asked my parents, and they're supportive. I just need to find the money and time, and it'll happen. Problem is, I have hardly any of either.

What would happen once I'm there? Would it be awkward? Would I wish I had never come?

No.

I need to, because if I don't, I'll just get too comfortable with the Berlin Wall of internet, and never be able to fully know if there's any point to it.

A single message makes my day. To see words created by those hands fills me with a sense of joy, and I try to take time to simply focus on them and nothing else. It's a nice break to talk to someone who isn't prejudiced by my social circumstance or physical appearances. At the same time, it's a curse.

----

And yet while I have all those thoughts, I am constantly nagged by thoughts of...

...no, I can't write that. I'll think it instead. Oh dreams, where art thou?

Sick at home, and very very bored

2008-12-15T08:27:00.003-07:00

1. Where is your cell phone? Sitting on my stomach, waiting for it's next message.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Don't think it could be called that yet.
3. Your hair? Boring and flat.
4. Work? School/Tech theatre
5. Your father? Working on putting new floors in our basement.
6. Your favorite thing? Tech and friends
7. Your dream last night? No idea, I hardly ever remember nowadays
8. Your favorite drink? Venti Vanilla Earl Grey Tea Misto
9. Your dream car? One that works? I could care less about cars
10. The room you’re in? Living room/temporary bedroom/furniture storage room
11. Your pet? World's greatest dog, Jenna
12. Your fears? Loss
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Technical Director, or something of that sort
14. Where did you hang out last night? In the chapel at church with all the other choir and orchestra people
15. What you’re not good at? Many things, like keeping my mouth shut when necessary
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex? Depends on the person
17. One of your wish list items? Laptop, plane ticket
18. Where you grew up? Calgary, aka, Brentwood
19. The last thing you did? Went to school to drop off the math project and find out what I would miss.
20. What are you wearing? Jeans, shirt, hoodie, blanket
21. what aren’t you wearing? A parka?
23. Your computer? Belongs to the school
24. Your life? Up and down
25. Your mood? Bored, annoyed
26. Missing? Health, certain people
27. Who are you thinking about right now? Anyone who has read my blog for the past few months would know.
28. Your car? Don't have one just yet
29. Your work? Again, school and tech
30. Your summer? Could have been better, and the beginning of something I hope will be great
31. Your relationship status? Wish I knew, it's iffy at the moment
32. Your favorite colour? Green and or Black
33. When is the last time you laughed? This morning when I messed up the days of Christmas
34. Last time you cried? Full out? Grade 5 I think
35. School? Should be canceled today
************************

MOUTHOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Major chain would be A&W
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? The KEG, Cheesecake
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it? Starbucks
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Meat of most types
What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter and grape jam
What is your favorite type of gum? Don't really have a favourite, but I like minty/cold gum. Fruity is nice too.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer? My French Horn
How many televisions are in your house? 2
Do you use a laptop or desktop? Laptop at the moment, but desktop from time to time too

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Do you like your smile? Nope
What’s your best feature? I don't really know. I like my eyes...
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, and lots of them
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Sight, but hearing is really good too
When was the last time you had a cavity? Few years ago
What is the heaviest item you lifted last? Not sure, probably sand bags in the theatre, or my backpack.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Not that I know of

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die? I think it would be helpful for the planning of the rest of my life, so yes
Is love for real? Absolutely. I just don't know if I've ever known it for sure
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't
What color do you think looks best on you? Black or dark brown
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Maybe, I don't recall
Have you ever saved someone’s life? On the spot, I don't think so, but maybe in other ways I have.
Has someone ever saved yours? Yes

DAREOLOGY

Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000? Unlikely
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Depends on who, but sure
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000? Not a chance
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Definitely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? No
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? I'd consider it
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Heck yes! I don't watch it as it is...

DUMBOLOGY

What is in your left pocket? My knife and random change
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Haven't seen it in a while, but I didn't really like it
Do you sit or stand in the shower? Who sits?
Could you live with roommates? I guess so, depends on the person/people
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? None
Where were you born? Kingston, Ontario
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Never have actually
What do you want to be when you grow up? See 13...

LASTOLOGY

Friend you talked to? Melissa via text
Last person you called? Ms. Fraser about the cast pictures being printed
Person you kissed? Apart from my family, never.
………………………………

When? N/A
Would you kiss that person again? N/A

FAVORITOLOGY

Number? Meh, I've never had one
Seasons? Summer

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone? Yes
Mood? Still bored
Listening to? My heater keeping me warm
Worrying about? Dress rehearsal today, and if I should go or not

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning? Bathroom, at about 2
What can you not wait to do? Do something other than lie in bed
What’s the last movie you saw? Just watched an old episode of House actually
Do you smile often? Depends
Are you a friendly person? I always try to be, yes

Good, the first half is over, now have some more fun:

1. Where is the boy/girl you like now? On an island, probably in her room
2. What were you doing Friday night? Watching Dark Knight with Taryn
3. Name something you did yesterday? Orchestra
4. Last person you text messaged? Melissa
5. Who was the last person to call you? Mr. Riegel, because the concert had been cancelled
6. What are you doing right now? Um, this quiz?
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? Who knows? Probably Ireland.
8. What color are your eyes? Blue
9. Are you allergic to anything? Not that I'm aware of
10. Are you dating the last person you kissed? Refer to Lastology
11. Last place you ordered food from? Cheesecake
12. Who was the last person you shared a dinner with? All the awesome techies at Cheesecake
13. What color is your hair? Plain-old brown
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Sure
15. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Refer to Lastology
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? Don't have many secrets
17. When was the last time you lied? Haha, in the last question
18. Do you like fire? It's pretty :)
19. Did you have a nap today? Sort of, I was half-awake for a few hours this morning
20. What is your favorite drink? Refer to question 8
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans, don't even own sweats
(The person I got this from cut out a bunch of questions...)
25. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing now? Old Navy
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? If I could teach tech theatre, sure

28. Is anyone jealous of you? Perhaps

30. Have any regrets? Definitely, though I try not to dwell on them
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? Same place I am now, in bed
32. Where were you 8 hours ago? Again, still in bed

35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Yes

37. Is cheating ever okay? No
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom, this morning
39. What are you looking forward to? Dress Rehearsal/going back to school

41. Have you kissed anyone in the past week? No! enough about the kissing, ok?

43. What are you listening to? Refer to Currentology

45. Favorite Sports Team? Could care less. Flames and Hitmen
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? Not sure yet
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, that hurts
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? Not sure yet
50. What woke you up this morning? Pain

52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Not a chance, band concert :(
53. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Once again, no

55. How many myspace accounts do you have? None
56. Do or did you like school? Some aspects of it, yes
56. Would you take a bullet for anyone? Yes
57. Where would you like to live? In the theatre
58. Do long distance relationships work? Oh I wish I knew...
59. Does your crush like you? Says she does, but now I'm wondering again
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In a theatre
61. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? No
62. Does a kiss make your cuts feel better? Not that I know of
63. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? Nada
64. Can you cook? Definitely
65. What shoe do you put on first, left or right? Depends, normally my left
66. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? No
67. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? Heck no
68. Have you ever thought about your death? Yeah
69. Whats your hair color? Refer to 13.
70. Where do you put your towel after taking a shower? On an old tripod that has become my towel rack
71. What color is your shower curtain? Plain white
72. Have you ever had stitches? Not that I know of
73. Are you straight? Yes
74. Did you believe that girls have cooties? Nope, I was never a part of that fad
75. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Not well
76. Can you finish the phrase, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants?

79. Who was the last person you couldn’t take your eyes off of? That's between my eyes and me
80. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No
81. Have you ever run over an animal? Nope
82. What is your favourite cereal? Haven't had cereal in months
83. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? Nope
84. Have you gotten a text today? Sure have
85. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Meh, go for it if you like
86. Where’s your favorite place to be? In the theatre of course

88. It’s Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Witness rehearsal
89. Who are the last four people to send you a text message? Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Brian

91. What are you listening to? Refer back to any of the repeats
92. Your christmas list consists of? Nothing at the moment
93. Your ex just asked you out and you say? I say I've worked so hard to finish things that I couldn't do it.
94. You’re going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? A map store
95. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Old Navy likely
96. How do you feel about your hair? Refer to question 3.
97. What time do you wake up for school? I didn't...hehehe
98. What movie is in your DVD player? Probably a House dvd
99. Last two numbers in your phone number? 44
100. Who calls you by a nickname? I think lots of people call me Gram, but I can't tell the difference anymore
101. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The top side
102. Do you like roller coasters? Been a while, but sure
103. Favorite T.V. show? House
104. Your last IM was from? Alex
105. Favorite Beverage? Again???? VVEGTM
106. When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone of the opposite sex? Who knows these things?
107. What do your pants look like? Jeans?
108. Are you tired? Of this quiz, yes
109. Do you have to pee? Nope
110. Would you kiss the cook of tonights dinner? Sure, she's my mom, why not?
111. Laugh much? Not as much as I'd like to
112. What are your plans for Saturday? Once again, nothing yet

114. Favorite sit down restaurant? Stop repeating yourself
115. Bubble gum flavor of choice? See above
116. What do you want to be when you grow up? See Above
117. The most excitement you had this week? What a boring week this has been...
118. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? Never been
119. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? Nope, never seen it
120. When was the last time you were up all night? Long time ago I think
121. Where is your favorite place? See above (The theatre)
122. Do you ever think about the price of gasoline? Not really
123. Do you sleep with a fan on? Wish I could, but can't
124. What’s the best thing about winter? The pretty snow
125. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? I try to from time to time, but many times it slips
126. How many states have you been to? 3 I think
127. Are you currently planning a trip? Yes, to Vancouver, assuming all goes as planned/hoped
128. Who was the last person you read something out loud to? Don't remember
129. Last time you forced yourself to do something? Today, to wake up
130. Have you ever googled your name and found somebody? I think so
140. Who’s your number one? The person before my number two
141. Can you drive? Sort of
142. What makes you feel like you are young again? Being the young person that I am
143. Do you ever type “kik” or “;p’;” instead of “lol”? um, sure?
144. Do you know how to play chess? Nope, not yet
145. Whats on your mind right now? Publishing this so I can go back to school

Last post for a while

2008-12-07T21:26:00.003-07:00

I'm going to take a few days off blogging while I sort some things out, and get through these shows. I'm sorry if my posting so much has offended anyone in any way, it's just my way of thinking.

But something is wrong. With me.
I'm starting to realize that every time I talk to anyone through any sort of text format, be it e-mail, texts, facebook messages, or blogs, I can't help but feel like everyone is mad at me. Like I've done something so horribly wrong that the world is now punishing me for it. People who I would never dream would be so terribly angry suddenly come across as if they're accusing me of something.
I got a short e-mail from Ms. Fraser, and honestly, it was like she was reprimanding a problem student, and I know that she doesn't view me that way. But why am I suddenly thinking that everything is like that? Am I so tired that I am now believing that everyone is out to get me?

So can I just say that I'm sorry? I didn't realize it was this bad until now, and I want it to stop. I apologize with all of my heart if I've said things that are hurtful or accusing. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, because each and every person I know has done great things for me, and I don't want to repay it by pushing you away. I'm going to try to stay away from text communication for a few days, but I'd be more than happy to just talk in person, if you so desire.

Here we go again...

2008-12-06T22:45:00.003-07:00

1. What should you be doing right now?
Likely going to bed, I said I would about 15 minutes ago...

2. Is there any particular reason you do these interviews?
Because they take time, it's something to put on my blog, and it gives me a chance to look at myself objectively in certain areas.

3. Do you like someone?
Yes, I do. I haven't seen her in months now, but I'm hoping to change that in a few weeks. I have no idea where it's going, but I can hope that it will lead to something, right?

4. Do they like you back?
They say they do, and I have no reason do doubt it in any way. I guess the only way to know for sure is to actually see her again.

5. Are you angry at someone?
I'm really trying not to be, because I know it's not going to help at all. And yet I just feel wronged in a way, and as much as that feels wrong and stupid, it's just how I'm feeling. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, because that's the least of my intentions, but something else is driving this car right now.

6. Are they angry at you?
I honestly couldn't tell you. They might be now, but I don't think they were mad first. I really wish I knew.

7. What's bugging you right now?
So many things. Mainly the shows taking over my life, and Christmas in general. I'm such a scrooge, but I honestly don't want to think about Christmas right now.

8. Would you change who you are if it would make someone accept you?
Not so much accept as much as just return. I would change anything to go back to the way things were.

9. What are you longing for the most?
Probably money, but also sleep and understanding.

10. What are you apprehensive about?
Asking my parents if I can fly to Vancouver alone to meet someone they don't know.

11. First thing on your left:
Rosco Gel swatch

12. First thing on your right:
Paperwork for college applications

13. One thing in your pocket:
Mini slotted screwdriver (fixing twist-lock plug)

14. Something flammable near you:
Box of 250 matches! Yay for flammable photography!

15. Last thing you had to drink:
Koala Springs pop

16. Last time you were outside:
About 2 hours ago, bringing laminate flooring inside

17. How many tabs/windows open in your browser?
11 tabs lol...maybe I should close a few

18. How many friends online?
4

19. How many texts today?
None :(

20. Last e-mail?
Right now, a Facebook message notification from Graeme, talking about what to get Witness secret santas...guess I should get working on that

How Many:
21: Facebook Friends?
317! W00t!

22: MSN Contacts?
Hahaha, 15

23: Cell Phone Contacts?
41, but 204 in my iPod

24: How many songs on your iPod/MP3?
2041

25: Texts in your inbox?
45 (default cleanup level)

26: E-mails in your inbox?
6711 lol, mostly from Facebook

27: Unread e-mails?
Zippo, I read them all

28: Voicemails?
None, I don't use the phone much at all

29: MSN Conversations going on right now?
Just the one with my main man Alex

30: Hours have you been awake?
14...that's about 4 too long at the moment

31. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Either a text message, a plane ticket, or a bag of Swedish Berries

32. One song that's stuck in your head
Haha, "Danny Boy" for some reason

33. Last thing you bought?
"Every Day is Exactly the Same" - NIN

34. What are you going to do tomorrow?
Attempt to sleep until around 7:30, get up, shower, go to classes, get the theatre ready to go in 3 hours, run shows, come home, complain about my life, sleep.

35. What time is it?
Exactly midnight. Definitely time for sleep...

36. If you knew you were going to die in exactly 24 hours, what would you do?
Well I wouldn't sleep, that's for sure! I'd do everything I could to make sure the shows still run smoothly, sort out all my differences, consider booking a flight to say goodbye (4 of my last hours well spent? I would hope so...) and just generally allow myself to leave well.

37. Why don't you do these things now?
Well, explanations then:
Shows: well, the only reason I'd have to work on it is because I wouldn't be there.
Differences: Can I just say I'm doing everything I can already?
Flight: In progress, just not in such a rushed manner
Leave well: Isn't that what we all want?

38. If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?
Oh wow, um, a toss up between two things. Either the distance between us so I wouldn't have to do the whole LDR thing and worry about booking flights, or to resolve whatever is going on between my friend and I, or at least to understand why it's ending so abruptly.

39. One wish for everyone in the world
That everyone would be able to see the long term consequences (both positive and negative) of their actions, before they make those decisions.

40. One picture that you find very meaningful/special/beautiful
I have a few (don't take that the wrong way), but the last one that really 'spoke' to me was on Post Secret:

Photo

Dystopia

2008-12-06T19:21:00.002-07:00

the vision of a society that is the opposite of utopia. A dystopian society is one in which the conditions of life characterized by human misery, poverty, oppression, violence, disease, and/or pollution.
Could there be a better word for it?

---

Yes, I know I've changed. Heck, who hasn't? Does anything ever stay the same for a second anymore?

I don't know where to turn now. Do I give up or press on?

Oh somebody just shoot me. Please. There's nothing else here for me to live for now. If things really are just going to keep going downhill like they are, might as well quit while I'm still ahead, right?

No

2008-12-05T07:54:00.002-07:00

I'm not going to say anything more until there's been time. Everyone's tired, and it's not going to make anything better if I complain about it rudely. I don't want this to happen, because I'm really not emotionally able to deal with it right now, but I can't make it worse by bugging you about it. I'm sorry, I just can help but feel like something has changed, and I don't like the updated version one bit.

cos[♥] = ?

2008-12-02T21:24:00.002-07:00

Here I am, trying to study for my huge math midterm tomorrow, and I just feel like crap. It doesn't matter what I do, I am constantly lapsing into severe depression whenever I'm alone. I talk to my friends, but everything they say seems to come across as a reason for me to believe that they're going to leave me.

I'm so scared that this is going to have me end up losing my best friend. I hardly see him now because of rehearsals, and I just can't connect with him anymore. There's nothing that upsets me more. If I could just know that all it would take is for me to stop working on the shows to get things back to normal, I would. I just can't imagine losing that.

I'm so worried about this world. It's like a blanket, and the end is frayed. Someone is pulling on one of the fibers and everything is unraveling in front of me.

I think I need help. I'm so stressed out, and this hypochondria is really getting to me. Today I convinced myself that I have bipolar disorder. Sure, I might, but how can I know anymore?

I'm just spiraling down. This plane is speeding towards the ground in a huge inferno of flames. I can see the ground in front of me. I can count down the distance to the bottom; a measly 16 days. But how much longer will this plane hold out?

I can't stand this

2008-12-01T20:59:00.002-07:00

It's 9:00PM, and I'm trying in vain to do some studying for the big math cumulative exam on Wednesday. And everywhere I look, I see signs of burnout. It's really getting to me.

My life is such a mess.

For the past month and a half, everything about my life has revolved around getting 4 shows ready to go before an audience. And that's not easy at all. I am completely drained; physically and emotionally. I've grown distant from friends and family, and my life has become a routine.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I get up at 6:25, shower, eat, walk to school, go to rehearsal, go to classes, go to rehearsal, walk home, power up my laptop, eat dinner, waste time, sleep.

I hate this.

Everything comes in short waves, followed by complete and utter calm. I can be happy for a few minutes, but then it passes, and I just continue on with the drone of life. I'll have a conversation with someone, and it can go on for a while, but then it fades and it's quiet again.

Am I lonely?

Things appear to be progressing with her, but how am I to know? I don't have physical confirmation, just various combinations of 26 letters. And while it might work out to visit sometime soon, I can't help but be apprehensive. It just seems like such a huge step, like I've skipped a chapter somewhere along the line. I don't know if I can be happy with it, as much as I want to. Thinking about it can make me smile, and I really can't think of anything else that I would like more than to just see her again, but I just don't know.

Yes, I am.

What would I give for just a little spark of anything beyond my routine? Something to make tech second best, to give me something to make it worth it all.

But what can I do?

I would give anything just for any sort of human interaction right now. But I don't think I'm physically capable of doing that right now. I want to sleep right through until noon. I want to not have to worry about re-programming cues or hanging banners or making sure every single little nitpicky thing that no one but me can do gets fixed. I need to take a break.

I want more.

"It is better to be openly hated than to outwardly be flattered while still being hated".
From King Lear (translated to English obviously).
I'm really annoyed by MT Directors calling me a "God", on so many levels. As a person, I try to remain as modest as possible, and I'm terrible at taking compliments. But being called a "God" 20 times a day is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

But who do I want?

I can't help but think what would happen if I suddenly decided to quit and disappear. I could walk out of the booth with my disks and script, and refuse to provide any technical assistance. I would be so utterly hated, but at least it would be openly. And what would happen to the shows? Who would stick with me and walk away? Who would try to fix it?

I can't do this anymore.

People tell me the shows next year are going to be disastrous next year without me. Shut the **** up. They've happened before I got here, and they'll keep on happening after I leave. I go above and beyond the standards, yes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others who are capable of programming a few shows with flashy lights here and there.

I'm just so frustrated with life.

Maybe I should go to bed and get some sleep? But what will that get me? Sure I might get an hour or two more rest, but then I won't get any studying done for math. Then again, am I really going to do anything tonight? I'll likely just end up moping for the rest of the night anyways.

I need some sort of a release.

I could always just fail this math test. It wouldn't be the first time. I mean, really, just so long as I get a passing mark, I can get my diploma and move on with my life. Heck, I don't even officially need to go to school after high school. I could just be a techie. Maybe road crew for Phantom? Throw away my whole life to live in theatres all around the world for the rest of my life? Sounds good to me.

This isn't helping either of us.

Stupid depression. It just HAD to come at this moment. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DRESS REHEARSALS!!!! What am I going to do now? There's literally nothing I've found that alleviates the depression but time, and it takes a few weeks to cycle.

Maybe I should just go to bed...

It's December. The month of red and green, of candy canes and spending. What a Scrooge I am; I actually really hate Christmas music right now. I want the whole world to just disappear right now and let me live in peace.

Nah.

I could become a recluse! Live out my life in a lonely old house, become a genius who churns out amazing light shows without ever seeing them in real life. Like Beethoven, composing symphonies without hearing what they sounded like.

Exponents and Logarithms. Yay.

I want to talk to someone. Anyone. What I wouldn't give for a text message or e-mail right now. I need something to snap me out of this idiotic depression.

Enough of that.

Maybe in January I'll be 'normal' again. Or maybe I'm just dreaming. No, that can't be it...Graham doesn't dream anymore. Nothing to dream about but light cues.

Time for bed.

Maybe I should just give up on it all. Find something else?

Want

2008-11-29T23:56:00.002-07:00

You know what I want more than anything right now? To be able to tell
someone that I love them, without any danger of pushing them away. I
want to know who it is that I love, because honestly I have no idea. I
want someone to just come right up to me and make it easy for me. I
want there to be something more in my life.

I want to fall asleep every night dreaming of the one I love, not
lying awake wondering what I've done wrong. I want to look into the
eyes and see an entire world inside. I want to hug. I want to kiss. I
want to love.

I want to know. I don't want to be blind. I want to understand. I want
to start. I want to be happy.

I know who I like.
I want to know who I love.

.: iPod :.

Found another one!

2008-11-29T23:16:00.002-07:00

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station:
Bottle of Coke, and probably 2 chocolate bars

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
Probably either a whale of some sort or an otter.

3. Who's your favorite redhead?
Ms. Frizzle/Mrs. Martin

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?
Never been, sorry.

5. Last book you read?
The manual for the theatre walkie-talkies? Last real book was "Blink".

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear
Can't say I actually pay much attention to them...

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
Last one I remember is when the mic stand pinched my skin. But I could be forgetting many things.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Well, someone who can swim would be nice

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Definitely a symphony. Unless it's something like TSO with amazing lights.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?
Haha, one of the default patterns that comes with the phone.

11. Soda?
Jones?

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
A Arcteryx black base-layer thingy

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Teleportation?

14. Most recent movie you've watched in theatres?
I think it was that one about the CIA agent...oh! Burn after reading.

15. Name an actor/actress you've had the hots for:
First one that comes to mind would be Amanda Bynes. But considering I actually had to go hunting for names on IMDb say something...

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?
SKOR cake!

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Soup I think, but I don't really remember. Am I forgetful or what?

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
iPod, 2 flashes, speaker, bear spray, candle, Starbucks mug again!, keyboard, moose head

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Typically not

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Another thing I can't remember

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
Nope

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Quite likely

23. When's the last time you had a sour gummy worms?
A while ago?

24. Whats your favorite fruit?
A toss up between peaches, strawberries (with chocolate!), and apples

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
Nope

26. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Nope

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Definitely, it's quite delicious

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Dark green (can't wait to get a new bed...)

29. What's your favorite flower?
I'm partial to the delicate beauty of the rose personally. Or maybe wild indian paintbrush.

30. Were you or are you in ballet?
Once actually, in grade 5 I think. Being the only guy SUCKED

31. Do you listen to classical music?
Yep

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
A what?

33. Do you watch Spongebob?
No, hate that show

34. Last food you ate?
Ice cream cake!

35. Do people consider you smart?
In general I'd say yes.

36. What time is it?
11:30PM exactly

37. Is your away message on?
No?

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Nope

39. What curse word do you use the most?
I definitely say "awe crap" a lot

40. Do you own an iPod?
Sure do! Broken iPod club all the way!

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?
I have 4. 6:20, 6:25, 6:45, and 7:30. Each one for a different 'type' of morning.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
I don't have a CD player. But Star Wars is playing on my iPod at the moment.

43. What movie do you know every line to?
Um, none at the moment?

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ranch

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Perhaps. Guess I'd have to meet them first.

46. How old will you be on your next birthday?
18! Isn't that exciting?

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
I definitely do, but I also definitely don't give them out as much as I want to.

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Today I think?

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
I think pretty much every single person who knows me calls me "Gram", but honestly, I don't even notice anymore. Heck, I learned to respond to "Greg" in under a week...

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?
Hmm, that would be interesting...
"Oh look! The Graham did tech for this show!"

I have 15 minutes

2008-11-28T23:42:00.002-07:00

Let's see how fast I can do this one...

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Well, I really don't like getting phone calls, because it kills my phone. But if it were a text message...then I guess I would want it to be someone special, even though I know there is very little chance they know my number.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Always, I hate dis-ordered carts

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Depends on the setting, but more often a listener

4. Do you take compliments well?
I try to minimize them I guess, but it depends on who they're from.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
No, I have other things to consume my time

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
What kind of wilderness? I'm pretty sure I could...

7. Do you like to ride horses?
Why not?

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Sure did, but I don't have many memories of it

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Being a SPY!!!

12. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? Can I say it depends? No, actually, I think I wouldn't.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
Precise, Perfectionistic, Quiet

15. Do any songs make you cry?
There are a few that get close, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.
Wait, "Everyday", Rascal Flatts

16. Are you continuing your education?
Theatre Production!!! Woot!

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Theoretically, yes. Practically, no

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
At the moment, my tech binder, laptop, keepsake box and old teddy bear. Oh, and my starbucks of course!

19. How often do you read books?
Do manuals count?

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All three almost equally, but probably the present mainly

21. What is your favorite children's book?
It's really been a long while, can't say I remember

22. What color are your eyes?
Blue (wow, I definitely had to think about that one..)

23. How tall are you?
No idea. Taller than Melissa, that's all that matters :P

24. Where is your dream house located?
Right above the booth

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Nope, but I think that should go on my to-do list

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never?

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Doctors office way out by COP

32. Do you like mustard?
A hint of mustard is ok, but not too much please

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep. I can eat during rehearsals, but I can't sleep

34. Do you look like your mom or your dad?
Probably more like my mom

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
8.5 minutes + 1.5 to dry off = 10 minutes total (and almost exactly too)

36. Can you do the splits?
No, but I can LIMBO!

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Hmmm...Nothing comes to mind, I just wouldn't mind getting out and seeing a movie in general

39. What/who did you do for New Year's?
Same thing I've done for the past 10 years; hang out with two other awesome families, and have a wicked awesome time!

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Sorry, never seen it

42. Do you own a camera phone?
It's a phone, with a camera...yes.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
I doubt it

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
R

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Currently 6 or 6.5, depending on what is going on in the morning

48. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
First thing I do when I get in a car

52. Where do you sleep?
In my super tiny bed

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Well it's a big city, I'm sure stuff happens. We have a newspaper for a reason!

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
1. Pitiful, isn't it?

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope

56. Do you always read people's blogs?
If they permit me to, always

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Either or, but serious with a funny side is great

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Nope

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Sure did!

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I try to avoid them altogether...

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Buy off of iTunes, rip from the library

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Heck no!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Lately my lifestyle (ie, eating, sleeping)

65. Are you a gullible person?
I hope not?

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Not at all. But I think it would be a definite advantage in the happiness department

68. Are you easy to get along with?
I try to be

70. What is your favorite time of day?
3AM, when I'm totally awake, and everything is so completely silent. And it's snowing. And the street lights light up the entire house. I love that time of day/year

I've always felt like doing one of these...

2008-11-26T21:41:00.002-07:00

81 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME UNTIL YOU READ THIS:

1, What color is your toothbrush?
Blue, white, silver

2, Name one person that made you smile today
Melissa when I poked her with a 1/4" to XLR converter :P

3, What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Programming lights for LPC, probably somewhere around LQ34

4, What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Writing e-mails to people involved in Musical Theatre shows

5, What is your favorite candy ?
Swedish Berries

6, Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope

7, What is the last thing you said aloud?
Hmm, I guess I didn't [have lunch today]

8, What is the best ice cream flavor?
Neopolitan

9, What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water (how boring is that?)

10, What is the longest you have gone without sleeping?
I'm thinking close to 20 hours.

11, Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
Yes

12, Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Hahahahaha

13, The last sporting event you watched?
Wow, can't even remember...

14, What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Popcorn flavour...?

15, Who is the last person you sent a message to on facebook?
Group "MT Directors" and "Techies"

16, Ever go camping?
Yep, can't wait to go again

17, Do you take vitamins daily?
Nope, but probably should be.

18, Do you go to church every Sunday?
Indeed, sometimes even a few times a weekend!

19,Do you have a tan?
The booth does not really assist in tanning all that much

20, Do you like Chinese food over pizza?
Not usually, no

21, Do you drink your soda with a straw?
I prefer not to

22, What did your last text message say?
"Thank you so much ill explain the reason tomorrow"

23, What are you doing tomorrow?
Oh god, you don't want the whole list...band, school, idol, school, rehearsal

24, Where is your dad?
Who knows? Haven't seen him in 2 days now

25, Look to your left, what do you see?
Starbucks! (Well, an empty Christmas Starbucks mug)

26, What color is your watch?
Invisible!

27,What do you think of when you hear Australia?
I see a face. Don't know whose

28, What is your birthstone?
Topaz

29, Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Well considering I can't drive...

30, What is your favorite number?
Right now, probably 27 and 44. They are very pretty when on at the same time.

31, Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
It's been a LONG while...

32, Any plans today?
Finish this thing, English homework, sleep

34, Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
The fact that there are only 24 hours in a day

35, Last song listened to?
Currently "Red and Black" from the Les Miserables Broadway Soundtrack

36,Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I'm sure I could if someone pointed a gun at my face

37, Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Nope

38, Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
1 Pair does me just fine thanks

39, Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes

40, Is anyone jealous of you?
I think so

41, Do you love anyone?
I wish I could say for sure

42, Do any of your friends have children?
Yep

43, What do you usually do during the day?
Tech, that's about it

44, Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Hate, no. Greatly dislike, yes.

45, Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Of course, who doesn't?

46, What color is your car?
Another invisible paint job!

47, Do you like cats?
Better be careful how I answer this one...yes?

49, Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Nope

50, How did you get your worst scar?
Disturbingly-sized scar free!

51, Last cigarette?
Never had one thanks

52, last CD played?
Don't listen to CD's persay, but last album was the Sweeney Todd movie soundtrack

53, last BUBBLE bath?
Oh my...that was a LONG time ago

54, last time you cried?
5 years ago

54, last meal?
Ice Cream and Raspberries?

55, have you ever dated someone twice?
No

56, have you ever kissed someone & regreted it?:
*Sigh* no

57, have you ever fallen in love?
But of course

58, you ever lost someone?
Indeed

59, have you ever slept until 1pm?:
I wish...

60, Have you ever been drunk and threw up ?
Nope

61, list FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to –
Melissa, Alex, Lauren, Jenna, Brennan

62, list THREE favorite colors/shades —
Dark Green, Black, Steel Blue

63, Laughed until you cried:
Not sure, maybe today?

64, Went behind your parents back:
Rarely, but yes

65, Your last kiss?
*Sigh* No Comment

66, Gay Marriage?
I *should* be against it, but I'm really of no opinion on the matter

67, Lowering the drinking age?
How about raising?

68, Straight, Gay, or Bi?
Straight

69, Who are the best huggers that you know?
Don't get enough hugs to know

70, Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lately, I'm thinking so

71. Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yes, but I can't because of other things I've said, and suddenly it's all getting too complicated...gah

72, What brand of shirt are you wearing?
Old Navy

73, Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
No Comment

74, How many kids do you want to have?
Haven't given it much thought. Two perhaps?

75, Do you want to change your name?
I'm quite happy with it actually

76, Last time you saw your father?
Like I said, about 2 days ago

77, What time did you wake up today?
Well, first time was 3:15AM, then I actually woke up at 6:25AM

76, how old are you?
17

79, What were you doing at midnight last night:
Tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep

80, What is your favorite thing in your room?
This laptop

81, Where is your best friend right now?
One is surfing the internet in their room, the other is either in bed or doing chem homework.

Grief

2008-11-25T22:00:00.001-07:00

Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what we know has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen.

Complaining

2008-11-25T20:47:00.007-07:00

Sorry, I guess I've been complaining a lot more than usual lately. It seems that since I'm so tired from all my tech that it leaks into every other facet of my life and taints it.

But really, truly, I am happy.

But I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone wants. Myself included. I'm confused about everything and everyone. And truly, I'm not happy with who I am. Or maybe I'm just not happy with my outward appearance? I need to be happy. What is it that's going to make me truly happy again? Will it come on a plane? Is it already here? Have I been blind?

I wish I knew these things.

Schizophrenia

2008-11-24T19:02:00.002-07:00

Have I blogged about this before? I'm too lazy to go back and check...

We're watching "A beautiful mind" in psychology, and the main character suffers from schizophrenia. And honestly, watching psychology movies is really starting to get to me...

I mean, as soon as I walked out of the class, I went right to the drama room, and started working like crazy on an outline of when all the musical theatre rehearsals are so that my techies can know when they'd need to come in. And I swear, I really think my mind started to act like it thinks a schizophrenic would. I can't describe what that was like, but it just felt weird and cheap. I don't get it.

And then of course comes the matter of hat to do with my life. So many paths to choose from, and I just can't figure out which one would be best for me. I'm really starting to worry about if everything I had previously hoped to find in her may in fact be an illusion; that she has somehow changed her mind, and now I'm only chasing her shadow. I look for meaning in all the wrong places -messages, statuses, comments, pictures...it's stupid, but it's all I have. If I'm paranoid, I have something to believe in.

And sure, there are plenty of other relationships I could pursue, but I just don't know which ones are open to that and which ones aren't. Another Shakespeare analog; we're still reading "King Lear", and at one point, one of the men says, "It is better to be openly despised than to be given the impression of being liked while still being despised." And really, it's the same thing in this situation. I would rather just know 100% for sure who likes me and who hates me, and I could move on so much easier with that in mind. But people today just aren't like that, are they?

Gah, and now I feel like I'm falling away from one of my very best friends. What is happening to cause all this? We haven't 'talked' for nearly a week now, and it's really starting to bug me. Curse you musical theatre shows! You have ruined my social life!
I couldn't bear to lose you A, you need to know that. Can't you just tell me what's going on? Is there nothing I can do to help? Why aren't we talking right now?

And then of course there's you, probably the only thing that's actually keeping me somewhat sane at this point...what would I do without you? Thanks for so much today, I really owe you huge right now. It means a lot :)

*sigh*
I actually feel like I could sleep right through the night right now, and everything would be great! But no, I still have a whole scene of King Lear to read, plus studying for a math quiz and e-mails and programming and paperwork and blah blah blah...I need a life...

If I'm paranoid, at least I have something to believe in...

Drunk 16

2008-11-23T23:37:00.002-07:00

I am completely and utterly disgusted.

I was looking at pictures on facebook, and came across an album from a "Sweet Sixteen <3" party. First photo in the album: "Look how much alcohol we're allowed to have!" I just find is so gross. You're sixteen, and suddenly you've got 2 bottles of vodka, plenty more that I don't even recognize, about 50 plastic shot glasses? I'm sorry, but I just totally lost all respect for everyone one of the grade 11's who attended that party. I mean really, this is why teenagers get a bad rap from the older generation. A number of people our age go and get totally wasted, post numerous (and might I add, of very poor quality) pictures of their exploits for all the world to comment on, and that's what the world sees. I just don't understand this culture that I'm living in.

Mumble

2008-11-22T22:12:00.003-07:00

Bleah, soooo bored.

Tonight was good, and then it crapped.

Went to my grandparents house for some pizza, then watched Wall-E (pretty good movie, but I think I've seen better). Of course, then I decide that I'm going to drive home, and my dad sits in the passenger seat.

Gah.

I just can't stand having him telling me to do things constantly. "Turn on your headlights" (which were already on). There's just something about him sitting there beside me that makes me so...grr.

Anyways, enough of that, we should both get some sleep methinks.

Wait!

I still have to program Voulez Vous!

Sleep can wait :P

Diganosis

2008-11-20T20:10:00.003-07:00

You know what's funny?

Lately in psychology we've been studying abnormal psychology, things like multiple personality disorder. And one thing I've noticed is that I am starting to somewhat convince myself that I have these disorders.

Now, that could be called hypochondria, though not quite as severe.

However, I found a much closer diagnosis. "Medical Students' Disease".

And isn't that ironic? That I'm diagnosing myself with a condition whose symptoms are incorrect diagnosis?

I really am going insane...

I can't believe this

2008-11-19T23:39:00.001-07:00

It always seems to come to this. To the point where I'm lying awake in
bed trying to figure you out. And all I do is make things worse.

I know you like someone. I know that no one has told me who yet. I
just need closure. I need to eliminate all the open-ended routes in my
life so that I can just be happy with where I am. I honestly hate
asking, because I feel self centered, and that I'm forcing myself on
others.

I have no definite proof to guide me, just a whole lot of annoying
clues that may or may not in fact be clues.

As a group, we've discussed things such as understanding of the sexes,
and which should ask the other out. Personally, in this case (if there
is a case at all), I think the female should initiate things.

Blah blah blah, I'm really not getting anywhere. Someone clarify this
for me. Please.

.: iPod :.

?

2008-11-19T22:03:00.002-07:00

Am I an idiot to think that there could be anyone out there that likes me as more than a friend?
Am I insane to think that you think about me?
Am I stupid to even think about you?
Am I intrusive if I want to know if you're talking about me?
Am I annoying if I am who I am?
Am I doing this to you?
Am I missing every clue that has passed my way?
Am I the usual me?

I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know your intentions.
I don't know who you like.
I don't know what you think.
I don't know if I should like you.
I don't know if this is just a silly thought.
I don't know if I should ask.
I don't know what to say.

I've promised to be a friend.
I've promised to love.
I've promised to visit.
I've promised to be true.

I've failed in being kind.
I've failed at keeping your trust.
I've failed you.
I've failed myself.

I think about you more and more.
I think about you when you sign in.
I think about you when I see you.
I think about you.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it.
The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
The more I think about it, the more I see wrong with it.
The more I think about it, the more I think of you.

I could be wrong.
I could be right.
I could be your friend.
I could be your lover.
I could smile as I do.
I could smile more.
I could be confused.
I could share it with you.
I could be stressed.
I could relax.
I could be content.
I could be happy.
I could be silent.
I could ask.
I could be wrong.

I could be right.

Who?

2008-11-18T22:13:00.003-07:00

Who did this to you? You know I hate to see any of my friends in pain, and it's obvious that you are. Sure we don't exactly talk a ton (though that's suddenly changed as of now), but we're still good friends, right?

And of course, I get really self-centered in times like this but...did I? See, I'm a very oblivious person at times, so who knows, maybe I've missed something?

Self-Assessment

2008-11-16T01:47:00.002-07:00

So today/yesterday/the 15th was my birthday, and I just wanted to do a bit of thinking before heading off to bed.
Overall, not a bad day. The first half really wasn't that great, seeing as I basically just got up, went and had family pictures taken, then got dropped off at the Jubilee. Strike was good, but I was just so tired that I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted. Then a short ride home, and a brief bit of grocery shopping before going to Lauren's.
From there, things got a whole lot better. I mean, I arrive, we go to Montana's, we all talk and joke around for half an hour, eat some really great food, drive back, and hang out with the greatest group of people I could ask for. I just had so much fun.
Now, I do feel really bad that I was as tired as I was at the end. I haven't been sleeping well, but I really hope that I didn't bother anyone by being so tired... Haha, and then people kept saying I would "make a great drunk". Well, I think the one flaw with that idea is that in order for me to be drunk, I kind of have to drink...and at this point, I'm thinking it's not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry if that spoils your entertainment. But really, I hate not having control of who I am. When I'm as tired as I was, I become someone else, and that bugs me. I don't ever like losing control of who I am, but I really started to tonight. Ah well...

I guess that's about it. I'm 17 now. It doesn't mean a thing to me though. 17 is just another number, and honestly, it means very little to me. What counts is the people who I have in my life; the people I can just relax and enjoy myself with. That's what makes it special.

Thank you for that, I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time.

Hard to believe

2008-11-11T00:25:00.002-07:00

that this is post number 234. Have I really written that much?

I was thinking tonight (among other things) about trust. I don't really think I thanked you for it, but I want to do it now. Thank you. There was one moment where you said flat out "I trust you". That meant so much to me, it's so amazing what a few little words can do. You basically gave me a key to so much of your life, knowing full well that I could wreak havoc with it, but knowing and trusting that I would not. So thank you, it meant so much to me.

Am I insane to think that there is even a flicker of something existing there? I honestly can't read you at all, as much as I try. All my tactics fail when in proximity to you, and I just can't comprehend what is going on in your head. You are my kryptonite.
Sitting there again, just feeling your warmth...what am I supposed to get from that? Is this the over-analyzing Graham taking control? Or have I somehow tapped into the stream of understanding? I guess the whole idea is feasible, yes, but I just don't know anymore...couldn't you at least give me something concrete? Like maybe saying something? I'm not going to be weirded out if you say something, it will simply let me understand you better and help break the language barrier. I don't know if Destination 1 is right for me, but please, at least be a little more obvious? I really doubt anything will come of it otherwise...

6 Lane Highway

2008-11-10T15:46:00.003-07:00

So last night was an interesting one...I really didn't sleep well, seeing as I had a fair bit on my mind. Time to vent methinks.

Lane 1: Long Distance Express (Far Left)
This just so happens to be the lane I'm currently driving in (at least, I think I am...the fog is pretty thick). From what I can tell from the signage along this lane, if I keep following this one, I'll eventually make it to Destination J. I don't know a whole lot about Destination J, but the bits and pieces I've heard about it make it sound like a good choice. So I might stick in this one for a while, unless I find reason to switch otherwise.

Lane 2: Extended Road Trip Lane
Lane 2 has been in existence longer than any other lane. Even while I was on the gravel lanes beside it, lane 2 has always been just sitting there, totally independent from most of my life. I've casually dismissed it as just a service lane, one that I can fall back on for aide if ever required, but never as a fully-fledged travel lane. It leads to Destination 1, which I've visited many, many times, but I've never given thought to actually living there...but now the flashing signs are trying to grab my attention, and Destination 1 is actually sounding quite accommodating; just so long as I'm not ostracized by the locals for even considering moving there...
I guess that's the problem with Destination 1. I can't decide if the locals want me to just visit a lot and be a great tourist that knows the place really well but never actually lives there, or if they want me to drop everything and take up residence right in the center of their beautiful little town. They're a very confusing society unfortunately.

Lane 3: Freshly Paved
So this car of mine is just about 17 years old (a beater, I know), and most of the lanes were paved around the same time I got this car. This lane though was paved just a little later, about a year if the highway statistics are to be believed. Apparently, if I stay in this lane, I should be able to end up at Destination 2, a bright and vibrant metropolitan city full of great people. Now I can't say I know all that much about Destination 2, just that it is a very warm and welcoming city that never fails to invite me to visit. My only problem with Destination 2 is that I'm not sure I would survive in that upbeat metropolitan community. None the less, I have lane 3 highlighted on my map so as to not miss it when the time comes.

Lane 4: Local Access Road
I guess I haven't given much description at to where I'm coming from, have I? Well, I first departed many, many years ago from Location X, and have slowly been driving along this highway ever since. At one point, I believed I had found the place for me at Destination M, but it turned out to be the wrong one, and I packed up and kept on driving. From Destination M, there is a short Local Access Road to Destination 3 (seeing as the two towns are very close to each other), and that road happens to be lane 4. Now, Destination 3 has always been an interesting one, because they are very particular about who they choose to let into their gates, but are overall very secretive about who they want to have visit and who they don't want to. I have been watching closely for signs that may indicate if they want me to move in, but so far it has been very flat, and I cannot tell one way or another if I should switch over to that lane or not. Even in talking to my contacts in other destinations, I cannot tell what the desires of the people of Destination 3 are, so I have, for the moment, given is less thought. I really just wish they would be clearer about who they want to have live in their town.

Lane 5: Road to nowhere and everywhere
Of course, these are just 4 lanes of the millions that cover our planet. Lane 5 is the one that won't end until my car can't go any further. Lane 5 branches off to thousands of other lanes, many of them just brief flashes of a possibility, many too fast for me to react too. Some are steep uphill climbs, some deadly drops off the side of a ravine; some are freshly paved, and a pleasure to drive on, while some are filled with potholes, making for the most uncomfortable of rides. If I follow Lane 5, who knows what I'll find?

Lane 6: Exiting now
Lane 6 is by far the scariest of lanes. I've seen people take this lane before, and the results are not appealing. I've only been told of where the exit leads really.
People sometimes resort to the exit, but suddenly swerve back onto the lanes when they see where it leads. Others have crashed into so many cars in their lanes that all they have left is the exit. I've never actually been down the exit ramp, though it has always been there, coming closer and closer. But really, I have all these lanes to choose from, plus all kinds of towns and cities to visit whenever I want, why would I want to take the exit?

So for now, it's a 6 lane highway, and I need to pick my lane.

c90n93n96afrs24

2008-11-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

So I've been programming lights on and off for about 3 hours now, and it's starting to make my head hurt. So many cues, so many lights to memorize.

c3n7n22n23n28t30a75rq1i1
= Channel 3 and 7 and 22 and 23 and 28 thru 30 at 75% record cue 1 upfade time 1
= SR Wash @ 75, fading over 1 second

Much as I love it, I can't believe there's less than a month now until these shows go up. I'm so far behind...

White water rafting

2008-11-10T01:00:00.002-07:00

For a few days at least, I was totally sure I knew what I wanted, and
nothing was going to get in my way. But then you sat a little closer,
smiled a little more, and it all flew out the window. Now I'm stuck
with too many choices; all desirable in their own way, yes, but still
more than I care to comprehend. If i've been ignoring you all this
time, I'm sorry.

.: iPod :.

My week...yay!

2008-11-08T22:58:00.002-07:00

Sunday
Church
Tech paperwork/Programming
Orchestra

Monday
My one day off so far...

Tuesday
Amazingly Awesome Techieness! (aka, t-shirts!)

Wednesday
Mamma Mia! Lights Run-through
Coffee House Concert
Faust

Thursday
Band Practice
Driving Lesson
Able Making
Orchestra

Friday
I know there's something...but WHAT???

Saturday
Jubilee Strike
Party!

J

2008-11-07T17:25:00.001-07:00

You know, this whole experience has been a great trial of my patience and ability to be happy. I’m really starting to see where my weaknesses lie, and what I need to fix so as to not affect negatively those around me.

I’ve decided to stop counting the days it’s been. Knowing a number isn’t going to change a single thing, so why bother? Does a number of days quantify my longing for you? Does it make things better? 80 days is really no different from 90 or 100 days, so why do I need to worry about one more? In the end, I’m simply going to miss you all the greater, regardless of how time passes. Perhaps I miss you as much as I did on the first day, perhaps more, and maybe even less. But does it matter? I still miss you with all my heart; the past is gone, and all I want to think about is the present and future.

For my birthday, I think there is only one thing I want. You can probably guess what that is. Sure I hardly have time for anything anymore, but this is one thing I would MAKE time for. To see you again, with fresh knowledge of how I look in your eyes would be simply the greatest thing. To look at you, to see your mouth articulate the words that I have only been able to read on a screen for so long would be a miracle beyond description.

“Nothing almost sees miracles, but misery”
- William Shakespeare, King Lear

For those of you who aren’t totally in love with Shakespeare, what is being said is that when faced with misery, even the smallest and most insignificant things can be seen as miracles.

To see your smile, hear your laugh, watch you talk; they are such small things that you would hardly take notice – until you lose them. To touch your arm, look in your eyes, feel your warmth; those are miracles.

I sometimes feel as if I am being disloyal to the one I love, giving thought to how others view me instead of simply being happy with your acceptance. But you’ve said yourself, multiple times, that you are not ‘involved’ with anyone at the moment. Well, define involved! Are you just as unsure about this road as I am?

And then, do I really love you? Can I truthfully say it? I’ve said it once before, and perhaps that was the reason that it didn’t last? I will likely never know truly what caused it, nor do I think there is really an answer. But I still stumble when I think about truly loving someone. At the time, I meant it with all my heart, even if my definition of love was incorrect. But now I can’t help but wonder if I have perhaps too quickly jumped to the conclusion of ‘love’?

Our adult counterparts often belittle youthful relationships as not being serious, viewing them as “puppy love”, and do not give them the full appreciation I believe they deserve. If we are truly not loving now, when will we truly learn what love is? Is there some magic time when a false feeling of love turns into something real? Does the love fairy come and visit adolescents in the night, bestowing upon them feelings of love?

Am I being silly in wanting to go visit someone I don’t know extremely well? To want to book a flight out to Vancouver Island to see someone who I as of yet can’t say I’m in love with? Will I be viewed as the romantic fool who threw away his life for love? Or will people look upon it as being a wise choice, putting love as the number one priority?

I have very few pictures of you. And as much as I don’t want to be a creeper, I try and stay connected to your life in the only way I can – Facebook. Yes, I found the most amazing picture of you, and I now carry it with me everywhere I go, and will happily show it to those who truly desire to see what I am so fascinated by. Those eyes…a miracle.

A promise – I said that I will come and visit you. I said that I will give you a hug on sight. That is all I desire.

I mentioned in one of my e-mails that I see your face everywhere. And that’s not a lie by any means. I see someone with a sweater like you have, I see someone with short hair, I see someone wearing a turk’s head. And my heart just leaps for joy, believing that she has at last come to make my life complete. But alas, it is never you. I long to see your face in all it’s living, non-photographic glory, but will that ever happen?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy, when skies are grey,

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you,

So please don’t take, my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, while I was sleeping,

I dreamt I held you in my arms,

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,

So I hung, my head, and I cried…”

And I really did dream of you. I never dream, and then suddenly, out of the blue, there you are. Right in front of me. Sure the dream was full of symbolism that I still have not been able to figure out, but it was the greatest dream I have ever had. Why? I got to kiss you.

I continue to miss you more than words can describe. I wake up in the morning, and I look at a picture of you, and it is the highlight of my day. To see you smile is a miracle I shall never forget.

Your eyes like great jewels radiating beauty,

Evermore shall glow within my soul,

Warming the very core of this hollow shell,

Until it is but a shimmering pool of love.
(Weak attempt at Shakespearian poetry...)

A, I’m sorry if you don’t like a specific physical attribute of hers, but please, kindly keep it to yourself. I just find it a little rude, ok? Thanks.

I was watching Faust last night, and there was a single scene that really got to me. I didn’t get to see all of it, though I really hope to see it in full soon, because it was just such a beautiful love scene that I wanted to cry. I am consistently amazed at how there are people who can so accurately put into words just how love feels, and this is yet another beautiful example. (We simply MUST go, or else)

You said you liked me. I said I liked you. Now what?

O how my heart longs to hear it’s love’s song…

Cos(life)

2008-11-05T22:12:00.003-07:00

You know, there are times when I really don't know what to think anymore. It's nothing new that my mind jumps to conclusions way more often than it needs to, but I don't know, maybe once in a while it's right?

I've been trying to make it totally clear that I want nothing more than what we have right now. I do everything I can to keep it from looking like anything else, but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough. My emotions are basically a cosine graph; up and down, up and down, up and down. In fact, a lot of things about my life are parallelled by the cosine graph.

My longing for her? y= 0.5cosx+0.45
My energy? y= 3cosx-1
My overall happiness? y= 2cos(2x)
My paranoia? y= 0.1cosx+10

*sigh*

I guess right now, I'm realizing that I had a dream. And that dream will never come to fruition, and I've accepted that. But somehow, I see that exact dream being fulfilled in someone else's life, to such a high degree of accuracy, it doesn't matter if it's all a stupid scrap of paranoia, it's slowly tearing of a piece of my heart.
A while ago, I dreamt of how my life could look, and how it would all work out perfectly. Of course, the one little detail that was needed to put it all together decided not to show up for roll call, and it never happened. Time passed, and I was pretty much able to put it behind me. But then I see the thing that I wanted so badly starting to happen right in front of my eyes, and it's tearing me in two. (Then again, I could be seeing things, which wouldn't be too far off base).
One part of me couldn't be happier, seeing great people who deserve great things.
Then the other part loathes the happiness, and thinks that no one but Graham should be happy. I hate that part of myself, and I suppress it as much as I possibly can, but I'm sorry, it's not easy at all.

I really just wish you could fill in the blanks, I'm going crazy trying to guess at the answers.

:(

2008-11-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

Whywhywhywhywhywhy?

2008-11-03T20:48:00.002-07:00

Oh my god.
I am completely and utterly screwed now.

I have been relying on my iPod to manage my utterly hectic calendar, and NOW LOOK AT ME.

It's all gone. You've seen what my calendar looks like. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have something begging for my time. That's why I meticulously write each and every thing down - so I don't forget anything.

And now I'm relying completely on faint memories of appointments I've agreed to make. Rehearsals, practises, events, birthdays....it's all gone!

I just want to cry, my life is just falling apart. It sounds melodramatic I'm sure, but I have always prided myself with being punctual and organized. And then THIS happens, and I'm left stranded without any idea of where to go next. What is it that I've committed to doing tomorrow? I hardly know anymore! GAH

Everything revolves around that one unit. I had instructed it to backup to Outlook in case something DID happen, but now I'm realizing that it never did. As far as I know, my contacts book is gone as well, meaning the meticulously compiled database of information is now lost, and I have to go hunting for everything all over again. All my settings are messed up, my wi-fi passwords gone, everything I had done to make it work just right for me is now thrown out, and I'm stuck waiting for it to transfer 2013 songs to the portable library. I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE MUSIC!!!!!!!! It's my life we're talking about here!

Wahhhh....
I can't decide which would help more - crying or Advil...or maybe both...

Sorry, that probably seemed really stupid that I'm so upset about losing a calendar, but you have no idea how much of my life was in there...

What to say

2008-11-02T23:01:00.002-07:00

Wow, I just....can't stop wanting to say thank you.

Today sucked. Probably one of the worst afternoons I've had in a really long time. A little argument escalated to an all out fight, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I left for Nose Hill, not sure what was going to happen next.

I honestly can't tell you where I would be right now without you. It's because of you that I've met so many amazing people. And those people are what's keeping me going each day.

While I was on Nose Hill, I started writing a blog entry, bemoaning my life and how it was all falling apart. "Life is a multiple choice test; since when is death an answer?" I think of the 2 and a half hours I was walking, I was contemplating the pros and cons of life the entire time. And you know what? The biggest pro on my list was you. There is so little else left holding me together now, as much as I try to cover it up. I have fallen completely away from my family and beliefs, so that now all I have are a few good friends. It's pitiful how I get myself into this cycle of self-pity so often, but I know what it is that keeps me going now.

I'm going to keep doing the best that I can, it's really all I can do I guess. But thank you, you have always been there for me, and it's the greatest gift in the world.

All I ask of you

2008-10-30T21:53:00.001-06:00

RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...

Brain Dump

2008-10-29T21:35:00.003-06:00

I've just got so much on my mind right now, writing a straightforward blog post isn't going to be easy.

First off, I'm just really preoccupied with trying to diagnose with my limited knowledge of psychology WHAT IS GOING ON. I talk to you on a daily basis, and I swear, it's the same pattern every day. At the start of the day, you're fun to be around, you laugh, and life seems good. Then by the time we're both on MSN, you're just so pissed off at everything, and it's like I'm talking to a different person. Sure, it could medically be a vitamin deficiency or a chemical imbalance, but when you say "but really... i just don't, care in a way", I want to just slap you or something to get you to wake up and see how stupid you're being. But it doesn't work. Why do I try? Why do I care? You should know, you know everything about me.

Then I'm constantly worrying that I'm giving people the wrong impression. I don't want anyone to think that the things I say or do are an attempt to 'flirt' or to make you like me as more than a friend. If something I say comes across that way, it's not. I'm trying to be the best friend that I can be, nothing more.

For those that are wondering, yes, I do like someone, but none of you have met her. I miss her so much. It's been 88 days since I last saw her in person, and I would seriously do anything for one more day. I wish I weren't so pessimistic about love, because I am constantly thinking about how it will never work out. She lives in BC, looking at a career in marine biology or veterinary medicine, and is going to study at UBC. I'm going to go to Mount Royal for two years to pursue theatre production. Is it truly worth it? We've had 20 days together, and they're fading so fast. Once I get a job, my wages will go towards paying off next summer's sailing trip, and a flight to Victoria... *sigh*

And then there's a question of who likes ME... Girls, you are confusing. Very confusing. How am I supposed to know if someone likes me if they don't say anything? I could be ignoring so many signs and not even realize it.

Tech has always been something of a stress release for me. Any time that I'm in the theatre, it's like the rest of the world disappears, and I can create any world that I choose. But now all of a sudden I have so much going on in my life that it's spilling over and tainting things. I love tech, and I always will. People tell me that tech is what stresses me out, and I am really getting tired of hearing that. Anyone who says they're worried about how stressed I am by tech doesn't understand a very basic part of me. Tech is my life, and it is not a cause of stress.

Listen to me, ranting away. Though it feels like a lot more than it probably is, especially since this last bit has been written on my iPod.

Parties always add a new dimension to my life too. I try and tell people (and don't take offence to this next paragraph, this is generic ranting) that I'm really not into parties, butthat doesn't seem to dissuade them much. I think the main reason I got to parties nowadays is for pictures and so that I don't look like the odd one out or moredostant from the group in question. My parents have never been too big on the idea of me attending parties, probably heavily biased by their own experiences. Personally, I think the parties I go to are pretty tame overall. I highly doubt that a Halloween party with 11 attendees (according to FB) is going to escalate to one of those parties with 500 people plus police... Maybe one of the biggest things that keeps me away from parties now is the alcohol factor. Personally, I have no desire whatsoever to drink. Eventually I'm sure I'll take up social drinking of some sort, but just hearing people go on and on about so-and-so being crazy drunk is disgusting, stupid, and immature. I've sampled wine, I don't mind a few sips of white wine at times, but you will never see me drunk. It's just not going to happen. Chances are, I'll be a DD for life. But I also don't want to see my friends drunk. Or maybe I've just been sheltered my whole life, and all I need to do on Friday is get flat out hammered. Because my parents will let me go to tons of parties after that...

Bleagh

11:11 - I wish I could see you again. I wish I could give you one more hug.

Sonnet 116

2008-10-28T07:59:00.001-06:00

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It us the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

- William Shakespeare

--------

In terms of true love, there are no problems too great to overcome.
It cannot be called love if it changes when the loved changes, or ends
in death.
Love is constant and unchanging.
Love sees challenges and is not afraid.
Love is infinite.
Love does not waver with time, even when beauty is affected by time.
Love is everlasting, and will last until the very end of time.
And if all that I have said can be proven wrong,
Then no one has ever been in love.

.: iPod :.

What did I do?

2008-10-26T15:23:00.003-06:00

You know, I really don't care what you say about guys being difficult to understand. Even if we are, girls are still extremely difficult to make sense of.

Yes, I know that over this past week I've been so busy that I have spent a lot less than adequate time with my friends, but is that something I should be punished for? It's my life, and I'm trying to make the most of it that I can. So forgive me if I haven't had all the time I'd like to. But that doesn't resolve the question of what's wrong. I don't know if I should ask you of everything is alright, or if I should just give you space. How the hell am I to know if you're just having a bad week or are genuinely mad at me? All this week I've been getting mixed signals, and I'm having an awful time trying to figure out if I'm reading you right or not. Are you angry or tired? What is it that I've done to get this reaction from you? I'm trying my best, but we all know that even my best leaves a LOT to be desired... So please, have I done something wrong? And what can I do to fix it? I don't want this to happen.

I miss you. Where have you gone? Where have I gone?

sorry

2008-10-22T22:54:00.002-06:00

if, by some stupid chance a blog post starting with "a week ago, my life changed.", please ignore it. Don't read it. It's not a happy post, and it has a good chance of hurting some people. And to the person who already read it, I'm so sorry. I can't understand why you still put up with me after I put you through so much crap... Thanks.

Bleagh

2008-10-19T15:04:00.001-06:00

I absolutely hate migraines. They always seem to come at the worst possible times, and leave me totally drained of energy.

Plus anytime I get one, I get an overly jingle-ified version of "This little light of mine..." stuck in my head from an old Advil commercial, and it drives me NUTS!

I need to finish all this psych homework in little less than half an hour, go and set up for a play for who knows how many hours, and then come home and sleep for a few before getting up again. Now I desperately need some caffeine...

(Did you know that you can sing the last paragraph to the tune of "This little light"? I think I might be going crazy...)

I need to finish all this psych homework,
In little less than half an hour,
Go and set up for a play,
For who knows how many hours,
Then come home and sleep for a few,
Before getting up again,
Now I des-perately need some caffeine...

(Save me from this pit of insanity starbucks...)

Reflections .:. snoitcelfeR

2008-10-18T20:33:00.002-06:00

Something has been bugging me a lot lately. More and more, I’m noticing that I have an unconscious tendency to exaggerate. Sensationalism if you will. There is something in me that is constantly thirsting for attention, and it has found a somewhat effective way of achieving that through exaggeration and sensationalism.

Take for example my claim to get blinding headaches when I used 3D glasses for less than a minute in Futureshop one day. Why the heck I said that, I couldn’t tell you. Because I don’t get bad headaches. Yes, my head hurts a little more than normal, and yes I can’t make out a clear image at all through 3D glasses, but I don’t get major headaches or lose some of my ability to walk. I feel so stupid now that I realize that I did that, but more and more I’m realizing that I do it all the time.

Just today as I was leaving Dalhousie, I think I might have done something similar. Problem is, I don’t know if I did. Was something in my subconscious attempting to illicit a reaction from those around me? Did I somehow enter a state where my actions were all in an attempt to achieve something I didn’t know I wanted? Was ‘that look’ the result of an unconscious desire to be noticed through the use of sympathy and concern of onlookers? If it is, I’m really upset all of a sudden…

In other news…

Profile pictures on Facebook. Probably one of the most defining pieces of information you can post to your profile. To me, a profile picture says so much more than anything else.

One of the things I like to do when I’m bored is look at people’s profile picture albums. Why the albums specifically? Because you can see 20 of them all at once. And in that view, a subtle thing sometimes comes out. I believe that if a person uses profile pictures that they like (because it matches their mood) for a long time, a record of their emotions in general will result. Specifically, I look for changes between darker pictures and brighter ones. There are some people that have a whole bunch of dark ones, where their faces are almost all in shadow, and then another bunch later on full of smiles and sunshine. The most interesting thing, however, is when you correlate those emotional snapshots to the people, activities, and circumstances taking place in their lives. For example, one girl may have been single for several months, and was subconsciously upset about that. Then she meets a really amazing guy and couldn’t be happier. Her dark pictures give way to brighter ones, and her emotions are mapped in that way.

Or perhaps a guy is in a transitional period, where he isn’t quite sure who he is or who he wants to be anymore. At the beginning, his pictures might be snapshots of a younger self, seemingly carefree and smiling more often than not. As time goes by though, he may realize that in order to fit into the sub-culture of his choice, he must adopt something of a ‘emo’ look, utilizing harsh lighting and editing techniques. This transition is shown through his profile pictures, giving us a very revealing glance into the life of someone we may hardly know.

The only thing we must be wary of, however, is that you cannot rely completely on lighting and facial expressions. There are some people who prefer being seen in shadow, or will only pick pictures taken at rare emotional highs. But I think that in general, profile pictures can be quite revealing.

In looking at my own profile picture album, I can see trends in my own life, too slow to notice otherwise. My first profile pictures were very solitary and almost thoughtful. However, I choose to ignore the first few pictures, as they are often extraneous to the analysis. Looking at the newer ones though, I think a lot can be observed. The bottom five (oldest) are generally brightly lit, twice featuring my camera (as it was new at the time).
The next 6 show a change though. I see a lot of black, a lot of shadow, and not a single smile. What was going on in my life at that point? What caused this low emotional base?
From there, 7 photos that do not actually show any part of my physical self. That in itself can be very revealing. Is it because I am uncomfortable with what I look like? Do I feel less than photogenic? I think that is actually exactly the case. More often than not, any pictures of me I find to be highly unflattering. Only those that I have complete control over actually please me. In general, I am highly camera-shy, and combat that by taking the power away from people by taking pictures of them instead. What I need to do is somehow find a way to look at myself and be happy with what looks back.

Really, if you want a picture of me, take it when I don’t know you are. Candid shots are always the best of anyone in my opinion.

Hmm, that was very self-reflective…

.: 15 :.

2008-10-17T19:28:00.000-06:00

Been a while since I've uploaded one of these...

Ok

2008-10-15T21:32:00.004-06:00

So I feel so cliche writing this now, but it's the truth, and I haven't thought about it more than now.

You're my best friend, my "BFF", and no one can understand me more than you do.

I have never felt emotions as raw as this in my life. When you first told me, I didn't believe you. Maybe the mind does it automatically, to cushion the blow. Surely this is some joke; someone stole his phone and decided to mess with my head. Or a dream, so realistic and with a ridiculous plot twist. And yet the evidence stacks up.

How long have you known? How many hints have I totally ignored? Why?

3 phone calls, 24 texts, 1 dying battery. (Priceless...).

The eerie silence of the parking lot as I arrive. No sound at all. Just footfalls.

I sat in your room for half an hour apparently. I didn't notice actually. They say you can lose track of time, and I believe it now. Watching those numbers rise and fall...

That top one, the one in green. Heart rate. I've never been happier to see a number before in my life. Showing me that it's all going to be ok somehow.

Who knows if it'll go back to normal. What's normal anymore????

Driving home, it's like frames from a time lapse. 1 new message. I can't take this. Fuck. Walking home. Incoming call. A voice that sounds how I feel. Charge phone. Wait for news. Doesn't remind me. Typing. Blaming. Telling. Driving.
Silence. Park. Automatic doors. Line. Wait. Unsure smiles. Not sure what to say. Hallway. X-Ray. Sterile. 26. Wood. Shoes. Red light. You. Sit. What to say? Watch. 118. 21. 14. 98. Blood pressure. Heart rate. Butterflies. Paper. Joking. Look around. Sharps container. Princess. Beep. Alarm. Nurse. House. Cane. Shoes. Electrode. Why? Leave. What to say? Goodbye. Walk. Cold. Van. Warm. Shivering. Red light. Street light. Fire department. Home. Breathe.

There was a street light I saw when we were at a stop light. It wasn't on, but there were little blue flashes barely visible inside. Faster and faster, until it was a constant light. Trying so hard to do what it's supposed to - give light. I find myself wanting so much for that street light to shine. What potential.

I'm ranting, but I don't care. I need to write.

I still have that piece of paper. I have no idea why.

"Slow and sweetly, like never, before...." Stuck in my head all night for some reason.

I hope it doesn't bother you that I told L and M. I wasn't sure if it was my place, but I felt they deserved to know. If I was in their place, I would want to know no matter what. We all care about you so much. Never forget that. Please.

There's a song I found that I wanted to save for a special moment. A time when it would have an impact. I think now is as good as any time. I'm not a huge fan of it musically, but the lyrics definitely say what I have been trying to say for the longest time. And this isn't just for you A, it's also for all the rest of you who read this (and I do know who actually reads this, and this is directed at you).

Let me show you the way

I'm looking at you
Old friend of mine
It's no use pretending
That everything's fine

So don't be so brave
Don't be so proud
I want you to know that
I'm here for you now

I can see you hurting and it's hurting me
It doesn't have to be this way

Chorus:
If you'd let me hold you
Closer
Let me know you
Let me show you the way

(Cantor during chorus)
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold you head up
Somebody gonna see you right.

I'm feeling for you
Feeling so much
When this heart is big enough
For the both of us

I'll give you my love
If you give me your pain
I'll hold it inside of me
Til you're stronger again

Well I hate seeing you so far away
When not a word can say enough

CHORUS w/ cantor

I'll be your rock for this day
When I hear you calling out my name
Cause I know you'd only do the same for me

Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna show you the light
Somebody gonna hold your head up
Somebody gonna see you right

I guess if there's anything I could say, it's just that I care about you, and I don't want to ever lose my best friend. Look back to "Tick time to tick time to...", Part 2 (A). Same goes for you, bucko.

Get well soon...

Shell-shocked

2008-10-15T18:49:00.002-06:00

I don't even know what that means, but it sounds appropriate...

You know that feeling when you're having a dream, and in it you're walking down a street, when all of a sudden you trip or stumble or mis-step? And it jolts you awake all of a sudden, your heart is rushing, and half the time you can't even remember why? Like you just did a mini free-fall, and landed in your bed.

I think that about describes this moment.

Confusing

2008-10-14T21:21:00.002-06:00

First of all, let me just say that my stance on the guys/girls issue is that girls are more difficult to understand. Here's why:

As a guy, it is only natural to have a better understanding of how guys think and act than that of a girl, because you live those same thoughts and actions in your daily life. That is my primary reason for saying that girls are more confusing; I'm not a girl, therefore I would have a harder time understanding them.

The 'languages' of emotions for guys and girls are drastically different. Guys can speak and understand that language, and have lived with it their entire life. They have also been surrounded by the language of girls for their entire lives, but they are far from fluent, and can easily get caught up in the nuances of the dialect. Because it is so different from the language that they speak, can you really blame guys for having trouble understanding girls?

There are many times when a guy is unsure of how to react to female emotions. To a guy, it seems ambiguous and vague. At best, it's a guessing match, trying to figure out if she's upset or just tired; interested or not. Methods of dealing with their emotions vary, and it's difficult to determine how best to approach the subject.

Also take into account the verbal paradoxes that are so very common in the female language. Most common is the "nothing is wrong" line. How do you deal with that? Well, here's the advice of someone who is fluent in the language:

"...but usually when a girl says nothing is wrong there usually is so give her time and just let her know you're there for her and she'll feel better about telling you what's wrong."

Ok, so she says nothing is wrong, but something actually IS wrong, so you should give her time so that she'll eventually reveal that something IS wrong so that you can address the problem of what was wrong in the first place! That's totally simple!

And how would you define giving a girl "time"? Does that mean you should just gently avoid the topic? Not bug her about it? If so, then how is she to know that you still care about her and the things she's going through? Yes, I can say I'm there for someone, but if I give it time by ignoring it, it doesn't really work, does it?

I think that in general, guys are like smarties. Or eggs. Pick your metaphor.

A hard outer shell, barren of emotions. A shield, armour, anything to protect what is inside, to disguise the vulnerable emotions inside.

You see, guys in today's culture are heavily conditioned to be 'tough'. It's an idea criticized by many groups, but you can't deny it. Guys today are expected to fit into the mold, and to project the standard image of toughness. Argue all you want, but that idea is totally prevalent in our culture today.

However, just because there is an image of being tough, that doesn't mean that the inside has gone totally solid as well. It is my opinion that inside each and every man, there is at least a tiny portion of them that has an intense desire to be loved. For some, they may have been wearing their shell for so long that they don't even realize that part of them still exists, but it does. And really, isn't that desire to be loved what drives us all?

.: Thankful 7 :.

2008-10-12T22:16:00.001-06:00

For photography

.: Thankful 5 :.

2008-10-12T22:15:00.003-06:00

For Love

.: Thankful 6 :.

2008-10-12T22:15:00.002-06:00

For Jenna

.: Thankful 4 :.

2008-10-12T22:10:00.001-06:00

For Smiles

.: Thankful 3 :.

2008-10-12T22:09:00.001-06:00

For Cookies

.: Consider the following :.

More upgrades!

Bleagh

I'm Yours

Home

230

My Dream

Shoot me now. Please

Hehe

D:/My Documents/A letter.doc

Readers

Schedule

Propaganda

:)

In no particular order

Lookin' for a breakthrough

Let's listen to 'em all

*Gasp*

Love and War

Another *sigh*

Try to make ends meet

Hardly know her

Stress

Flight Cancelled

Updates

What time is it?

LDR

Another one? Fine

My Perfect World

Because I can write in full sentences

Liability

Dollars and cents

Hehe

Deja

Wrong

We want crisps

Light Show

Something new

Mellow

I'm a bit of a copy cat... (hehe, cat)

Should I go?

Sick at home, and very very bored

Last post for a while

Here we go again...

Dystopia

No

cos[♥] = ?

I can't stand this

Want

Found another one!

I have 15 minutes

I've always felt like doing one of these...

Grief

Complaining

Schizophrenia

Drunk 16

Mumble

Diganosis

I can't believe this

?

Who?

Self-Assessment

Hard to believe

6 Lane Highway

c90n93n96afrs24

White water rafting

My week...yay!

J

Cos(life)

:(

Whywhywhywhywhywhy?

What to say

All I ask of you

Brain Dump

Sonnet 116

What did I do?

sorry

Bleagh

Reflections .:. snoitcelfeR

.: 15 :.

Gasp

Another sigh